LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Who am I when all the world of perception falls away and I go in, deep within, who remains? What remains? Who is it that is aware of what remains? There is a nothingness inspired by everythingness. And I laugh with every cell of my being. I'm free, always. The bondage was never real. Everything is energy and love is the only truth.
What are you looking for at LU?
If awakening is rebirth, I was a breach baby. A beautifully painful and traumatic rebirth. I was loved and supported by those who could not understand and kept calling me back to "reality". It was emotional whiplash - depression to bliss and back again. Which one was real? Psychosis or spiritual awakening? I want to hold and be held in a space of unconditional love in the delivery room of awakening. It is not help as we understood it, simply understanding, support and love.
What do you expect from a guided conversation?
18 months after the big shift in consciousness, I am now ready to be in the world. I want to be engaged and to support individuals as we evolve, each in our own beautiful way. As I begin to reengage, I recognize that I need support. To give is to receive it, and to receive is to give - not even two sides of a coin but one in the same. I want to live in and from truth. I want to share in the experience with others.
What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Looking back with a fresh perspective, I see that it all started well before I recognized. My practice seems to have evolved from a discipline to a delight. I enjoy sitting in meditation and find that I am the meditation regardless of what I am doing or not doing. A bit like mystics would say that life is a prayer. Inquiry is the nature of the internal dialogue - thoughts and questions present in the intellect, answers arise from the stillness through the heart.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?: 11
true love energy
Re: true love energy
Hi there,
My name is Kathy and I will be your guide. It sounds like you may have already passed through what is referred to here as the gateless gate. So can you give me a bit of story, what happened, what changed, what was that pushed you over to seeing? Also what shall I all you?
Have a wonderful day!
Kathy
My name is Kathy and I will be your guide. It sounds like you may have already passed through what is referred to here as the gateless gate. So can you give me a bit of story, what happened, what changed, what was that pushed you over to seeing? Also what shall I all you?
Have a wonderful day!
Kathy
Re: true love energy
Hello Kathy,
Thanks for helping me get connected with LU and asking me to share my story with you.
On October 30, 2005, I had just passed through the front door of my house on my way to a pharmacy and liquor store with a forged prescription in my hand. In that moment, the weight of my situation hit me like a ton of bricks. In total despair, I said to myself, "Oh, my God, I'm Fucked". "I'm never going to get and stay sober and I can't live like this anymore". I had been in and out of AA for the past 4 years and had been relapsing every few months and had always maintained a confidence that I would recover. That confidence left completely in that moment on my front stoop. It was a dark and lonely place and I was trapped. I couldn't even suicide because my wife was 7 months pregnant with our first child, a girl. A dark cloud followed me for the next 9 months until in one particularly difficult 9th step amends, I felt as though I was being filled from foot to head with warm water. I described it to myself in that moment as "a dignity had been restored that I didn't know was missing". Life got easier and 7 years of sobriety ensued along with the ups and downs of life. Blessed with 2 wonderful children.
In Spring, 2012, I started having severe lower back pain. I struggled to maintain sobriety and after surgery and battling constant pain and pain killers, I wound up in rehab in February, 2014. I was introduced to meditation and yoga and something profound shifted but all I knew is that life felt easier again. I actually had days at a time where I enjoyed living which was a novelty for me who had become used to just pretending.
In Spring of 2015, still practicing yoga and meditation, life still going well, I became aware that I was often not in control of my thinking and behavior. I remember complaining to my therapist that I was a marionette doll without a clue of who was pulling my strings. I wanted control back. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD - childhood stuff. Things went south in a hurry. Panic attacks, flashbacks, night terrors, relapse. After one particularly disturbing flashback, I cracked. I was taken to the hospital, evaluated by a psychiatrist and released. Soon after, I checked into residential treatment for PTSD and substance abuse. I went deeply into my yoga and meditation for about 40 or so days. It helped to escape but one day, the "tormentor" came back and I said, "Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore". I threw in the towel and refused to do anything. After 2 or 3 days of just being miserable, something very strange happened.
At first, I thought that I had a stroke or a seizure. But I didn't care because in an instant, all the suffering fell away like a thick plaster of paris skin. What remained was sheer bliss. As tears streamed from my wide open eyes to a shit eating grin, I said out loud, "I'm okay... It's all okay". Evertyhing became brighter, my peripheral vision seemed to open up and colors popped like I was shrooming. The space in between things was infused with energy and it was somehow clear that it was love. Sounds were crisp and the silence in between sounds gushed with the same love energy. I asked the man I was with, "Is this real?" He smiled indicating, yes, as if he somehow knew. I seemed to float as I walked. Trees were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. Everything was energy. How could I not have noticed this before? Other people emanated a light from their chest. I was tripping. A voice said, "don't resist, don't cling. Just enjoy". It expanded and contracted and eventually seemed to diminish after about 2 1/2 months. I felt naked, like a turtle without a shell. Bliss like I had never thought possible and then nihilistic fear, then bliss. I called it whiplash. I lost my job, my wife asked me to leave, and my financial situation imploded.
That was 18 months ago. I haven't had a job and I'm on the door of bankruptcy and while my experience of the expansion and contraction of life continues, I abide in peace and joy, almost without interruption. I'm ready to reengage in the world but have no idea what or how to do it. I feel like an adolescent trying to determine my place in a strange world.
Absolutely nothing is what I thought it was but I couldn't begin to describe what it is (not for lack of trying). Everything seems to be nothing more than a metaphor of a vibrating energy and it keeps getting curiouser and curiouser as the vibration seems to bet getting faster and faster. The only thing I seem to know for sure is that if it is not love, it is not real. That is my mantra and my guide (for now).
xoxo,
Peter
Thanks for helping me get connected with LU and asking me to share my story with you.
On October 30, 2005, I had just passed through the front door of my house on my way to a pharmacy and liquor store with a forged prescription in my hand. In that moment, the weight of my situation hit me like a ton of bricks. In total despair, I said to myself, "Oh, my God, I'm Fucked". "I'm never going to get and stay sober and I can't live like this anymore". I had been in and out of AA for the past 4 years and had been relapsing every few months and had always maintained a confidence that I would recover. That confidence left completely in that moment on my front stoop. It was a dark and lonely place and I was trapped. I couldn't even suicide because my wife was 7 months pregnant with our first child, a girl. A dark cloud followed me for the next 9 months until in one particularly difficult 9th step amends, I felt as though I was being filled from foot to head with warm water. I described it to myself in that moment as "a dignity had been restored that I didn't know was missing". Life got easier and 7 years of sobriety ensued along with the ups and downs of life. Blessed with 2 wonderful children.
In Spring, 2012, I started having severe lower back pain. I struggled to maintain sobriety and after surgery and battling constant pain and pain killers, I wound up in rehab in February, 2014. I was introduced to meditation and yoga and something profound shifted but all I knew is that life felt easier again. I actually had days at a time where I enjoyed living which was a novelty for me who had become used to just pretending.
In Spring of 2015, still practicing yoga and meditation, life still going well, I became aware that I was often not in control of my thinking and behavior. I remember complaining to my therapist that I was a marionette doll without a clue of who was pulling my strings. I wanted control back. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD - childhood stuff. Things went south in a hurry. Panic attacks, flashbacks, night terrors, relapse. After one particularly disturbing flashback, I cracked. I was taken to the hospital, evaluated by a psychiatrist and released. Soon after, I checked into residential treatment for PTSD and substance abuse. I went deeply into my yoga and meditation for about 40 or so days. It helped to escape but one day, the "tormentor" came back and I said, "Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore". I threw in the towel and refused to do anything. After 2 or 3 days of just being miserable, something very strange happened.
At first, I thought that I had a stroke or a seizure. But I didn't care because in an instant, all the suffering fell away like a thick plaster of paris skin. What remained was sheer bliss. As tears streamed from my wide open eyes to a shit eating grin, I said out loud, "I'm okay... It's all okay". Evertyhing became brighter, my peripheral vision seemed to open up and colors popped like I was shrooming. The space in between things was infused with energy and it was somehow clear that it was love. Sounds were crisp and the silence in between sounds gushed with the same love energy. I asked the man I was with, "Is this real?" He smiled indicating, yes, as if he somehow knew. I seemed to float as I walked. Trees were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. Everything was energy. How could I not have noticed this before? Other people emanated a light from their chest. I was tripping. A voice said, "don't resist, don't cling. Just enjoy". It expanded and contracted and eventually seemed to diminish after about 2 1/2 months. I felt naked, like a turtle without a shell. Bliss like I had never thought possible and then nihilistic fear, then bliss. I called it whiplash. I lost my job, my wife asked me to leave, and my financial situation imploded.
That was 18 months ago. I haven't had a job and I'm on the door of bankruptcy and while my experience of the expansion and contraction of life continues, I abide in peace and joy, almost without interruption. I'm ready to reengage in the world but have no idea what or how to do it. I feel like an adolescent trying to determine my place in a strange world.
Absolutely nothing is what I thought it was but I couldn't begin to describe what it is (not for lack of trying). Everything seems to be nothing more than a metaphor of a vibrating energy and it keeps getting curiouser and curiouser as the vibration seems to bet getting faster and faster. The only thing I seem to know for sure is that if it is not love, it is not real. That is my mantra and my guide (for now).
xoxo,
Peter
Re: true love energy
Dear Peter,
Thank you for sharing so much about your path to where you are today.
xoxo,
Kathy
Thank you for sharing so much about your path to where you are today.
How do you feel about the concept of control today? Are you in control today?" I became aware that I was often not in control of my thinking and behavior. I remember complaining to my therapist that I was a marionette doll without a clue of who was pulling my strings. I wanted control back."
Was this you that refused to do anything? Did you have a choice in this?"Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore". I threw in the towel and refused to do anything.
This sounds like an interesting time for you. How do you see this working playing out? Do you have to do it? Can you choose what is next for you?"I'm ready to reengage in the world but have no idea what or how to do it. I feel like an adolescent trying to determine my place in a strange world. "
xoxo,
Kathy
Re: true love energy
How do you feel about the concept of control today? Are you in control today?
What a fun question. I hadn’t really thought about this. I can say that control used to be a desperate game I played with the external world. There were times when I felt out of control and it was scary and uncomfortable. Then there were times when I felt in control but it never lasted so does that mean that actual control and the perception of control are different things? It must be so. Perhaps the feeling of being in control was simply being okay with the circumstances of my life, in temporary, circumstantial acceptance. The circumstances of life are always shifting and changing but my perception of my circumstances was even more volatile. I remember noting to myself that while nothing of any significance had changed from one day to the next, my attitude about it would shift wildly, unexplainably. Honestly, I sometimes wonder how that poor man survived with the way he thought, the way her perceived and interacted in the world. The seeking of control was the very thing that made me feel out of control. Paradox seems to be the nature of all things meaningful. Seek and ye shall find may be a bit misleading. Perhaps it should read, “seek so that you can recognize the futility of seeking, and only then will you find what was never lost”. Less elegant I guess.
I realize now that everything I pursued was in essence a manipulation for control – love, money, reputation, sex, comfort… My relationship or emotional attachments to these things did not fade overnight; has not faded. I observe that gravitational pull or magnetism in me every day. I guess, in a way, this is what my past 18 months has been about. Recognizing the fraudulence of their promise, it seemed important, imperative even, to disengage from the illusion. I honestly thought that if I allowed myself to be fooled again, I might not survive it. The pain of the broken promise is so profound that I feared I might suicide.
Wow, this is such an interesting exercise.
Then your question is, “Are you in control today?” I still observe doubt and fear arising but they are subtle and by Grace, I resist the temptation to give them my energy. I am not out of control today and I am rarely disturbed. What miracle this is!
_______________________________
"Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore". I threw in the towel and refused to do anything.
Was this you that refused to do anything? Did you have a choice in this?
Yes, it was me who refused, the person. The one who was scared and confused was perhaps inspired by the other one – the one behind the veil. I am finding it difficult to articulate but there is the one who was inspired and found the audacious courage to surrender and the one who welcomed him home. Did I have a choice? A man jumps from the 50th floor of a burning building. Does he have a choice? Yes and no. Even better, I saw this video with my children last week and just found the clip on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxGuNJ-nEYg Does the barnacle gosling have a choice to jump?
It became almost immediately clear to me that I no longer had a choice or at least that the choice was obvious – suffer or surrender. I had suffered quite enough, thank you. That is not to say that surrender was easy. Like the gosling, it was terrifying and painful. I was dogged by incessant doubt and fear, the kind that brought panic and terror. It seemed so real. Everybody around me thought I’d lost my mind and pleaded with me to get my shit together. But now there was a knowing that gave me the courage to untangle myself, to free myself of the tentacles of my old life. I would free myself and then find myself tangled and trapped again. It was a long period of vacillating between feelings of unimaginable bliss and claustrophobic despair. Although I waivered in the extremes, I somehow maintained a determined resolve to see the truth and to reside here. In retrospect, it seems that all of it was done for me and that all I had to do was let go. It now seems like an oscillation that was quickening. It started slow, gross and painful but the faster it vibrated the more stable I felt. Like a quarter, perhaps. On one side, the head representing bliss, the tail representing pain. I stare at either and feel its full impact. I spin the quarter on its edge and the sides blur past recognition. The quarter itself seems to change beyond recognition as it spins. The bliss and the pain seemed to become one experience and both are simultaneous and somehow fused into a subtle, powerful joy. Not sure that makes sense.
_________________________________
"I'm ready to reengage in the world but have no idea what or how to do it. I feel like an adolescent trying to determine my place in a strange world. "
This sounds like an interesting time for you. How do you see this working playing out? Do you have to do it? Can you choose what is next for you?
The short answer is, I don’t know. I’m aware of lingering echoes of the egoman. There is a desire to hold a space for others to heal. When I awoke, I recognized an ability to direct healing energy and when I experimented, I saw the ego take the credit, so I stopped. I’ve started again recently and hear the ego ask if it’s real or imagined. If it’s real, does that make me a healer? Maybe. Does that make me special? No. Is this my new identity. No and no. No more identities. No more reinventing myself. I guess I’m still practicing the subtle nature of being in flow. To be with whatever arises and to do or don’t do as guided by the heart. I spend most of my time alone these days. I’m not unhappy and I’m not lonely but I would like things to speed up. I want to be useful and engaged in the world. I think I’m ready. I know I’m ready. But ready for what? Why hasn’t it presented yet? If the universe is conspiring for my benefit, I must be stuck for a reason. Is there still a buried belief holding me hostage, imposing limitations? I’ve found peace and joy in not doing. How do move into doing? So I simply be, observe and inquire. But I want more. Where is the invitation to come serve? Please God, let me be useful. Show me where to go.
Going to meditate on that now...
What a fun question. I hadn’t really thought about this. I can say that control used to be a desperate game I played with the external world. There were times when I felt out of control and it was scary and uncomfortable. Then there were times when I felt in control but it never lasted so does that mean that actual control and the perception of control are different things? It must be so. Perhaps the feeling of being in control was simply being okay with the circumstances of my life, in temporary, circumstantial acceptance. The circumstances of life are always shifting and changing but my perception of my circumstances was even more volatile. I remember noting to myself that while nothing of any significance had changed from one day to the next, my attitude about it would shift wildly, unexplainably. Honestly, I sometimes wonder how that poor man survived with the way he thought, the way her perceived and interacted in the world. The seeking of control was the very thing that made me feel out of control. Paradox seems to be the nature of all things meaningful. Seek and ye shall find may be a bit misleading. Perhaps it should read, “seek so that you can recognize the futility of seeking, and only then will you find what was never lost”. Less elegant I guess.
I realize now that everything I pursued was in essence a manipulation for control – love, money, reputation, sex, comfort… My relationship or emotional attachments to these things did not fade overnight; has not faded. I observe that gravitational pull or magnetism in me every day. I guess, in a way, this is what my past 18 months has been about. Recognizing the fraudulence of their promise, it seemed important, imperative even, to disengage from the illusion. I honestly thought that if I allowed myself to be fooled again, I might not survive it. The pain of the broken promise is so profound that I feared I might suicide.
Wow, this is such an interesting exercise.
Then your question is, “Are you in control today?” I still observe doubt and fear arising but they are subtle and by Grace, I resist the temptation to give them my energy. I am not out of control today and I am rarely disturbed. What miracle this is!
_______________________________
"Fuck it, I'm not doing this anymore". I threw in the towel and refused to do anything.
Was this you that refused to do anything? Did you have a choice in this?
Yes, it was me who refused, the person. The one who was scared and confused was perhaps inspired by the other one – the one behind the veil. I am finding it difficult to articulate but there is the one who was inspired and found the audacious courage to surrender and the one who welcomed him home. Did I have a choice? A man jumps from the 50th floor of a burning building. Does he have a choice? Yes and no. Even better, I saw this video with my children last week and just found the clip on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxGuNJ-nEYg Does the barnacle gosling have a choice to jump?
It became almost immediately clear to me that I no longer had a choice or at least that the choice was obvious – suffer or surrender. I had suffered quite enough, thank you. That is not to say that surrender was easy. Like the gosling, it was terrifying and painful. I was dogged by incessant doubt and fear, the kind that brought panic and terror. It seemed so real. Everybody around me thought I’d lost my mind and pleaded with me to get my shit together. But now there was a knowing that gave me the courage to untangle myself, to free myself of the tentacles of my old life. I would free myself and then find myself tangled and trapped again. It was a long period of vacillating between feelings of unimaginable bliss and claustrophobic despair. Although I waivered in the extremes, I somehow maintained a determined resolve to see the truth and to reside here. In retrospect, it seems that all of it was done for me and that all I had to do was let go. It now seems like an oscillation that was quickening. It started slow, gross and painful but the faster it vibrated the more stable I felt. Like a quarter, perhaps. On one side, the head representing bliss, the tail representing pain. I stare at either and feel its full impact. I spin the quarter on its edge and the sides blur past recognition. The quarter itself seems to change beyond recognition as it spins. The bliss and the pain seemed to become one experience and both are simultaneous and somehow fused into a subtle, powerful joy. Not sure that makes sense.
_________________________________
"I'm ready to reengage in the world but have no idea what or how to do it. I feel like an adolescent trying to determine my place in a strange world. "
This sounds like an interesting time for you. How do you see this working playing out? Do you have to do it? Can you choose what is next for you?
The short answer is, I don’t know. I’m aware of lingering echoes of the egoman. There is a desire to hold a space for others to heal. When I awoke, I recognized an ability to direct healing energy and when I experimented, I saw the ego take the credit, so I stopped. I’ve started again recently and hear the ego ask if it’s real or imagined. If it’s real, does that make me a healer? Maybe. Does that make me special? No. Is this my new identity. No and no. No more identities. No more reinventing myself. I guess I’m still practicing the subtle nature of being in flow. To be with whatever arises and to do or don’t do as guided by the heart. I spend most of my time alone these days. I’m not unhappy and I’m not lonely but I would like things to speed up. I want to be useful and engaged in the world. I think I’m ready. I know I’m ready. But ready for what? Why hasn’t it presented yet? If the universe is conspiring for my benefit, I must be stuck for a reason. Is there still a buried belief holding me hostage, imposing limitations? I’ve found peace and joy in not doing. How do move into doing? So I simply be, observe and inquire. But I want more. Where is the invitation to come serve? Please God, let me be useful. Show me where to go.
Going to meditate on that now...
Re: true love energy
Dear Peter,
Thank you so much for your generous responses. It's great to get a clear understanding of where you are coming from.
Let's try these exercises my guide gave me. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
Let’s examine control some more, so sit, relax and follow these exercises. It is best to read one fully, complete it and note your observations before reading the next one.
1. Becoming attentive to what happens, think of a number between 20 and 67. Try to notice the exact point when the choice is made. Did you know what number would be chosen before it appeared? Or was it more like waiting…and then the number became clear?
2. Sit with both hands in front of you – resting on a desk or your laps. Have a look at both. Then raise one whilst remaining attentive. Did you choose which hand to raise? Or was it the case that a hand raised “somehow” and then thoughts kicked in, perhaps congratulating “you” on making the right choice ☺ Keep playing with this until it becomes clear.
3. If you are unable to perform this exercise, please let me know and I will revert with another. Get up and start to walk quickly in any direction. Then change direction, walk a few more steps. Then do it again…then again…then again….are you choosing the direction to walk in or are the choices happening prior to you thinking which direction to walk in?
Please send me clear results, only from your direct experience.
Looking forward to your results of your personal experiment/experience!
love & light,
Kathy
Thank you so much for your generous responses. It's great to get a clear understanding of where you are coming from.
Is it possible that when things are going (ie as you like with them to) you have a sense of control and when they are not going well you have a sense of being out of control? Meaning your perception shifts as your agreement with reality shifts?I hadn’t really thought about this. I can say that control used to be a desperate game I played with the external world. There were times when I felt out of control and it was scary and uncomfortable. Then there were times when I felt in control but it never lasted so does that mean that actual control and the perception of control are different things? It must be so"
Let's try these exercises my guide gave me. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
Let’s examine control some more, so sit, relax and follow these exercises. It is best to read one fully, complete it and note your observations before reading the next one.
1. Becoming attentive to what happens, think of a number between 20 and 67. Try to notice the exact point when the choice is made. Did you know what number would be chosen before it appeared? Or was it more like waiting…and then the number became clear?
2. Sit with both hands in front of you – resting on a desk or your laps. Have a look at both. Then raise one whilst remaining attentive. Did you choose which hand to raise? Or was it the case that a hand raised “somehow” and then thoughts kicked in, perhaps congratulating “you” on making the right choice ☺ Keep playing with this until it becomes clear.
3. If you are unable to perform this exercise, please let me know and I will revert with another. Get up and start to walk quickly in any direction. Then change direction, walk a few more steps. Then do it again…then again…then again….are you choosing the direction to walk in or are the choices happening prior to you thinking which direction to walk in?
Please send me clear results, only from your direct experience.
Looking forward to your results of your personal experiment/experience!
love & light,
Kathy
Re: true love energy
Thanks Kathy,
Interesting exercise, thank you. Yes, it's clear that decisions are not the rational exercise we once thought they were. LIfe offers its own profound lessons demonstrating lack of control. I once thought I was so clever as I attempted to manipulate people to suit what I thought I wanted and needed. The problem was that I was unaware of what lurked deep in the subconscious. That I wasn't enough, unlovable, vulnerable and desperately afraid. Nobody could have convinced me of any of this because I was certain that I was calling my own shots. When it "went wrong", I tried harder, invented new strategies for control. One peak behind the veil and that dynamic was exposed. The whole thing became clear. None of it was real. It was all an elaborate fiction and I laughed with joy at the absurdity of it. I am free of that today. I don't have to live like that anymore.
I'm enjoying this process with you. Thank you.
Interesting exercise, thank you. Yes, it's clear that decisions are not the rational exercise we once thought they were. LIfe offers its own profound lessons demonstrating lack of control. I once thought I was so clever as I attempted to manipulate people to suit what I thought I wanted and needed. The problem was that I was unaware of what lurked deep in the subconscious. That I wasn't enough, unlovable, vulnerable and desperately afraid. Nobody could have convinced me of any of this because I was certain that I was calling my own shots. When it "went wrong", I tried harder, invented new strategies for control. One peak behind the veil and that dynamic was exposed. The whole thing became clear. None of it was real. It was all an elaborate fiction and I laughed with joy at the absurdity of it. I am free of that today. I don't have to live like that anymore.
I'm enjoying this process with you. Thank you.
Re: true love energy
Hi Peter,
Thanks you for your response. In LU, we work with direct experience. While it sounds like you believe you do no have control now, it is possible to share with me your experience from the exercise?
1. (answer the questions in it)
2.
3.
We just want to look at your actual experience today when you did the exercises.
Thanks Peter!
With love,
Kathy
Thanks you for your response. In LU, we work with direct experience. While it sounds like you believe you do no have control now, it is possible to share with me your experience from the exercise?
1. (answer the questions in it)
2.
3.
We just want to look at your actual experience today when you did the exercises.
Thanks Peter!
With love,
Kathy
Re: true love energy
1. The first time, the number 43 came to me almost instantly. There wasn’t much to it other than that.
The second time, I went into 3rd eye and saw numbers swirling around, all with different weight or vibration – not sure how to explain. The number 26 arrived with a sort of resonance and it seemed to lock in.
The third time, no numbers came at all. A small speck of blue light but that was it.
2. This was interesting. As I sat staring at my hands, thinking about how contrived this exercise is, I noticed my hand had gone to my brow to scratch an itch quite before I realized there was an itch. I laughed at how despite resistance, the exercise had its way with me anyway.
I tried again several times. I raised my right hand 3 times in a row and seemed to me that it did so because I asked it to. I tried the left hand and noticed the same. I did not perceive anything other than my hand moving at my direction. It did however, feel more “correct” when I lifted my right hand the first 2 times. When I raised my left hand, it felt off somehow.
3. The first time I stood up, I walked forward a few steps and turned to the right. Nothing much observed or felt. I sat back down and settled into deeper presence, rose again, took 3 steps forward, turned to the left, stopped because it somehow felt wrong, did a 180 and took several steps in that new direction. Somehow, right seemed right.
When I sat again, I noticed that my first step was with my left foot each time. I just sat there, eyes closed, contemplating how almost all the time, the body moves without conscious instruction. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, rolling over in bed at night. And as I was sitting there contemplating, my right hand reached behind my neck to scratch another itch. Awareness of the movement caught on to the movement at the 2nd or 3rd pass of the fingernails over the itch.
I tried one more time and the next thing I knew, I was stark naked walking down the street with a slice of pizza in my hand. “I don’t even like pepperoni” was the first thought that arose.
The second time, I went into 3rd eye and saw numbers swirling around, all with different weight or vibration – not sure how to explain. The number 26 arrived with a sort of resonance and it seemed to lock in.
The third time, no numbers came at all. A small speck of blue light but that was it.
2. This was interesting. As I sat staring at my hands, thinking about how contrived this exercise is, I noticed my hand had gone to my brow to scratch an itch quite before I realized there was an itch. I laughed at how despite resistance, the exercise had its way with me anyway.
I tried again several times. I raised my right hand 3 times in a row and seemed to me that it did so because I asked it to. I tried the left hand and noticed the same. I did not perceive anything other than my hand moving at my direction. It did however, feel more “correct” when I lifted my right hand the first 2 times. When I raised my left hand, it felt off somehow.
3. The first time I stood up, I walked forward a few steps and turned to the right. Nothing much observed or felt. I sat back down and settled into deeper presence, rose again, took 3 steps forward, turned to the left, stopped because it somehow felt wrong, did a 180 and took several steps in that new direction. Somehow, right seemed right.
When I sat again, I noticed that my first step was with my left foot each time. I just sat there, eyes closed, contemplating how almost all the time, the body moves without conscious instruction. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, rolling over in bed at night. And as I was sitting there contemplating, my right hand reached behind my neck to scratch another itch. Awareness of the movement caught on to the movement at the 2nd or 3rd pass of the fingernails over the itch.
I tried one more time and the next thing I knew, I was stark naked walking down the street with a slice of pizza in my hand. “I don’t even like pepperoni” was the first thought that arose.
Re: true love energy
Hi Peter,
Your last comment had me cracking up. Nice one!
Peter, I have some more questions please answer fully, honestly (and simply) and from your own direct experience and seeing.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?
xox
Kathy
Your last comment had me cracking up. Nice one!
Peter, I have some more questions please answer fully, honestly (and simply) and from your own direct experience and seeing.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?
xox
Kathy
Re: true love energy
Hi Peter, just checking in to see if you are still with us. Hope you are well! xoxo
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