Olenko,
Know that I am forever going to remember you, bless your name, and be grateful that you have freely taken your time to watch over this caterpillar.
1.)
Is there a separate entity ‘self’, ‘me’ ‘I’, at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?
The deeply unsatisfactory but true answer is; I do not know!
The simple answer is; there is no self, me, I, at all anywhere, in any way shape or form, and never was! (see, so if there is no I, then I cannot know!)
The non-simple answer is; and by way of undertaking a more elaborative approach, I will attempt to answer this question within a context involving the other two questions with each question detailing one of the 3 aspects of tri-partite man. The tri-part man is one who relates to the world, of his own imaginations and illusions, by 3 faculties. Those three faculties are thinking, feeling, and willing. The nature and relationship of these 3 faculties is often (not always) experienced in terms of accessibility such that the most accessible to least accessible is in the same order already mentioned, i.e., thinking, feeling, and willing. Thinking will be emphasized in question 1, feeling in question 2, and finally willing in question 3.
The thinking argument then is the most accessible, and the argument most commonly put forth is to utilize logic to refute self-existence. To cut to the chase on this one, knowing by any means expressible through the intellect is refuted by reducing all thoughts to (minimally) once removed abstractions of perceptions, and perceptions are refuted by being only capable of categorization thru abstractions. This circular logic is deemed ludicrous, and therefore certain to be false via the deployment of a further analogy that all knowing, and thinking is only upheld by its own faculty. Knowing self is upheld on the back of the turtle of thinking, and what holds up that turtle is another turtle (of thinking) until it is nothing but turtles all the way down – forever. The primacy of thinking is enshrined as the penultimate a priori (turtle) by Descartes’s observation, “I think therefore I am”, (another turtle!).
That from within the realm of thinking, arguments and examples can be explored ad infinitum is easily attested by the volumes of threads posted within the Gate forum, and I choose not to fall into that rabbit hole. Perhaps it may come close to what may be true to say Descartes must ultimately be reversed in stages (or not!) to become; I am therefore I think, but what thinks? I am! What is I am? Awareness! Whose awareness? Awareness is of itself! And where am I in this? Nowhere! Awareness is, but awareness needs appearance, which is itself false, only such that awareness which is wholly self-referent can only be said to be by deploying the falsity of awareness. Otherwise awareness is, but is unknowably inexpressible. {hence; how does one know what one does not know?}
Within Jed McKenna’s book “Dream State”, on page 45 of the advance reading copy is a yin yang Taoist symbol. He calls the black appearance (Maya), and the White is called awareness (Atman). He claims, taken together the symbol is who we take ourselves to be – a self,…. and the infinite white background (Brahman) it is placed upon is as we really are – no self. I “looked” at that for some time, and I came to conclude this; the black is appearance and false, nonexistent but seeable in contrast to the white field (it helps to squint your eyes tight with this while “knowing” the false is false ). The white field is again awareness - real and true but unknowable (in any way expressible) and indistinguishable from the field of awareness containing it,…… except for …………… drum roll please!!................ the imaginary, shadow line used to distinguish the white awareness from the white field of awareness (containing it) – such that -- that which Jed calls self, then is separated from that which Jed calls no self, by an imaginary shadowy line that is meant to be unnoticed, un-named, and unimportant! I posit that same imaginary, unnamed, shadowy line that is meant to be unnoticed, and unimportant is as close to representing in abstraction both what the self is “thought” to be, and concurrently what the self is not (as non-existent)! {If this is obtuse, I hope it is at least understood that this is meant to further diminish even the abstracted symbolic representational presentation of self by Jed to a lesser more purely imaginative and fanciful impossibility (while admitting of it only a functional role in the realm of duality for the purpose of defining what is true and real, but unknowable – awareness.} (by the way,….. if the explanation of the possibly obtuse is too obtuse, then we are all sh_t outta luck).
And, so from the POV of the false tri-part man faculty of thinking I have nothing further to say about the existence and/or nonexistence of the self, except that were it left to the thinking faculty alone I likely would not have realized no-self.
By the way there is an enlifened form of thinking. It uses white ink letters, i.e.
O.K?
Carry on, ….as above, so below……, let’s get out of the thinking “head” realm and journey down below (hint;…… follow me now to next question/answer)
2.)
Explain in detail what the illusion of a separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
For me, the illusion of a separate self is largely experienced through feelings (tri-part man’s second faculty). A sense of self as separate moment to moment is initiated when energy moves (e-motion) from the centering still-point of equanimity. The further from center it moves, the more energy it has. The energy utilized is life-force, which is to say, once again, we are in an unknowable realm of abstraction. So, when observations, occurrences, and or perceptions call out my life-force I give up that which I am, no self – and take on a self that then seeks to reclaim its presumed ownership of life-force. When anything is perceived as a threat, inculcates a fear, then that same fear is an expression of non-existence, death of self – hence the release of life-force. With no sense of self there is no sense of a possible loss of self and so far (lately) there is precious little that moves me from the still point of balance where life-force is not lost.
When life-force is not lost, it is found. It is found in an existence of being with that which is. There is no fear, no anxiety, all is as it “should” be.
From here the slide down the rabbit hole is inevitable. Grace grabs you (wasn’t it Grace that sang about the white rabbit? Ooohhh that’s a slick one!)
3.)
How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Finally, it is the faculty of will forces that brings thinking and feeling into a new realm. This is where a full tri-partite incorporation of the sensibility of no self is expressed in full fruition and experienced as an existence in the NOW.
As said previously the will faculties are the least accessible, and least knowable of the 3 faculties. My experience is that the will forces are that which moves you. What puts you (me) in motion? That which is, in the moment. The experience of this is such that, that which is before me informs me and moves me as it needs to. It engages me, until for some reason it does not, and then that which is newly before me in a new moment engages me, and I find myself not assuming ownership of what comes before me. This will faculty is the will faculty of the One, administered, received, and freely given by Grace.
Being moved in the now, has proven extremely difficult to write about. I have made several attempts and every time I realize that what I might write (say) to someone other than myself will just come off as wholly ordinary, ---- with all the same sensibilities anyone would experience, and then I recognized, …..right, well…. everyone is in the now, always, there is no choice for anyone about that, like it or not. That, then is what I realized is different. I don’t,……….like it or not,……. I do not have anything to do with it. I just find myself deeply immersed in a doing. For one example; I almost sigh when I have to stop washing dishes or folding laundry. The activities seem to utterly absorb me. And you need to know, a month ago my wife couldn’t get me to do those things without hitting me with a broom.
As for those differences since starting this dialogue; 1 month ago I had some very unrealistic expectations of what a sense of separated self would be like. I thought it would be an ongoing experience akin to some very deep “mystical” experiences I have had, that would result in some big-time adjustments just to regain a functional existence. I thought an enlifened one would never express anger or upset, and learned otherwise. I made a statement about what my remaining sense of self was like, and then I spent hours questioning that sensibility. This was the statement;
I feel ……….. a pleasant, soft, alive, and aware space from above, around, and in my head and down, but not quite to the area of my heart – it is a high heart area , an ovular area, and my image is of a translucent permeable weightless membrane – there is no me in it or outside it --- a place of no words, empty, very content ……. yes.
The image was like a soap bubble, it notably didn’t encompass my heart, it was localized around the upper half of me (notably excluding all the --- down below), and it, though, permeable was none the less a boundary and limitation of the all that is. That was what I had to work with. I went deep ,deep, deep. I slept on it. I dreamed about it. I contemplated it at length. I posited possibilities, and I then ran those posits through a process of feeling out the truth of them. What little sense of self I held onto was (1) to avoid giving up superiority over the many people I have been highly critical of. & (2) To not let go of a masculine identity that needs to put forth and be in charge. I had to learn to be very comfortable with surrender and yielding and not knowing! Neither of these postulates of condition were new, or previously unconsidered. What was new was the relentless probing into the depths of the fears that had kept me from letting go of these useless concepts! This involved stepping off a cliff, so to speak, … a final letting go which I visualized and breathed into. So that I eventually saw the soap bubble extended into the heart, and then encompassed all of me before popping.
[The statement to follow is purely wild ass speculation, but] …. that work was an extended moment when thinking, feeling , and willing joined with Grace to bring forward an enlifened equanimity (described in question 2’s answer), and a surrender to the Will of What Is, experienced as living in the moment (question 3’s answer).
And NOW there is a bedrock certainty. I have reported that I have had dream experiences of dying in which I experienced moments of movement into awareness without appearance. This sensibility appears to be my solace. “I” can touch the face of that. That is home. I do not experience being down so much as occasionally being disoriented. I wonder if this is all I thought it was cracked up to be. I ponder being passionate and defensive about something, having a goal – seeking it, and acquiring it,… AND I KNOW that shit’s gone -- gone-- gone,……. I’ve tried to get some of that back – BUT …… the wizard’s balloon ride back to Kansas up and ran O-F-T!! No highs, but also no lows,…….There is just this that is before me.
My wife says. “So why did you want that? Why, did you seek after that for all these years?”,….. and my only answer is;………… I didn’t know there was a choice not to!