The Gate

Hi Tanya,

Thank you so much for your response.

There are my replies to your questions:

1. Yes, I agree to post at least once a day.
2. Yes, I will respond to your questions
3. Yes, I will give the most honest answers
4. I will look at my direct experiences not philosophical understanding when giving the answer
5. I will put aside all other teaching while we have this dialogue.
6. I checked the link how to use quote function. I usually type in word document to avoid spelling mistakes.

Thank you , Divya

Breaking an illusion of separateness through direct seeing and experiencing.

It feels like clarity, completeness, fullness, the end of searching . Being at home.

Go through all the expectations one-by-one. While you read them, please pay attention to what arises in the body. Is there any resistance to any of it?

Every expectation is a ‘hindrance’ in realizing what IS. Expectations are about the future. But liberation cannot be found in the future.

In the moment of writing this email I feel a lot of sensation in my chest area. It is a sensation of sadness, and when I go deeper I feel pain. I went through my list of expectations and I found difficult at the moment to connect with the essence of these words (clarity, completeness, fullness, end of searching, being at home). They feel sweet on a surface but I feel pain right now. I am not sure what these words really mean at the moment. I had an emotional reaction to “being at home”. I started to cry. I felt longing for something ….for a rest… for losing a need to protect myself.

I had also reaction to these words. I felt hopelessness of being trapped in expectations. I experienced strong sensation in the center of my chest – like sharp aching. I felt a strong need to hold to the hope as the way of surviving. I felt tension in the whole body.

But you don’t have to do anything with these expectations. Don’t try to push them away, change them, manipulate them. Don’t do anything with them, don’t touch them, just observe them. These are nothing more than the content of arising thoughts, here and now. That’s all; nothing more, nothing serious, nothing ‘real’

Just by noticing this you're unattaching from these sensations and thoughts. Bringing light to them

Happiness or peace is a state, and no states are permanent, they are all subject to change

Liberation is not about not having any ‘bad’ or uncomfortable feelings any more. Rather it’s about encompassing all emotions, accepting whatever is arising in this moment.

Many seekers believe that liberation is a completely different state that they are currently having, with some special qualities (happiness, bliss, constant peace or whatever). However, this is not the case.

Seeing through the illusion that there is a separate entity ‘self’ is not a state. When it is SEEN it, the knowledge becomes factual.

Did you ever once believe that Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy was real? If you did at one point, and don't now, does the experience of discovery last? Or is it that the knowledge that there is no such thing as Santa or Tooth Fairy is just another ‘fact’?

So is there an expectation (belief) that after seeing through the illusion of the self the illusion SHOULD STOP APPEARING with no more identification with the I-thought and stories?

The illusion won’t stop, it will continue to appear, but it is seen only as an illusion, not as a ‘reality’.
Let’s say you are in a desert and there is a mirage in the distance.
Does the mirage go away just because it is seen as a mirage and not believed to be an oasis?
Or the illusion of the mirage still appears, and the only difference that it is not believed to be ‘real’?
When the mirage is seen only as an illusion, does it matter whether it is there or not?

your email clarified a few things for me.

I can see this. Sometimes the attention/noticing identify with these mental concepts and sometimes does not. It is a bit of moving backwards and forwards for me at the moment.

Yes, I can see/experience that noticing keeps me in a neutral position. If I add mental concepts to this noticing it takes me into an unfolding story and I can easily lose this non-judgmental position. But I can also see that sometimes the story unfolds and there is still noticing of it. What did you mean by saying “bringing light to them”. Is it about the light energy of not attachment? I am guessing it is not about bringing the light concept to this noticing.

Yes, this has been my experience and realization for sometime now. It is clear to me that all sates, feelings, thoughts, concepts, etc are continuously changing. Knowing/experiencing this actually brings easiness in experiencing it.

This is still an intellectual understanding of liberation in my case. I can say that I believe what you said. However, on some very deeper level there is an intuitive resonance that this is truth

I can humbly say that this has been my belief too.

I am noticing nostalgia after reading these words. Ok, I am connecting now with the reality expressed by these words. Yes, the experience of my discovery didn’t last but the realization reminded.

Yes, I can see the fantasy of this belief. The example with Santa Claus helped me to connect with experience of what remains when the illusion drops. I still see Santa Claus over Christmas and I love seeing him. It would just never be possible to believe that he is real, even if I want him so much to be real.

yes, these words just confirms my discovery. I can see this clearly.

I really enjoyed going through your email and checking how your words are reflected in my experiences. I feel that i got some clarification here.

Can you see though that although the attention seems to come and go that YOU don't? Having a look at thoughts will help with this.

Does the habit of referring back to thoughts about ‘me’ indicate an entity, or a ‘driver’ of any kind in ‘reality’? Or have you merely accepted the apparent implication that language produces that if there is an action then there must be a doer or a driver? Go to the actual experience and check it.

Can you find a notice or is there just noticing? Is there anything separate noticing?

Is there any difference between knowing and experiencing?

There is an underlying peace under all emotions whether they are 'good' or 'bad'. 'Good' and 'bad' are just labels thought puts on sensations felt in the body. You could look at this over the next day or so staying with strong sensations without buying into the thoughts that accompany them.

Life or outer circumstances won’t change with seeing through the self. Life is always is as it is. Only the perception changes. So everything will be the same, although everything might look different.It is important to know that this is not about self-improvement. The result won’t be a better version of ‘me’. Expecting this is a huge obstacle.

Do you mean the realization remained?

So we can only say that a self cannot be found, except as a thought. So, is there an 'I' right here, right now in this moment other than a thought?

Another thing I wanted to mention is if anything I write resonates with you it is not because there is a ‘teacher’ and ‘student’ relationship, that would imply duality. It resonates because it’s recognised that you’ve known it innately all along. This inquiry is not about ‘becoming’ something at a ‘future/time’.

This is still a bit tricky. I spent a bit of time looking at this. The attention is moving from one place to another place – that is clear. Sometimes focus is on thoughts, sometimes on feelings, sensations, it seems to move slower or faster. It seems to identify or not …It also seems like something sees this. I am not sure what that is , knowing now that is not “I – thought”. There is still an impression that IT is not always present, especially when the attention identifies with thoughts, feelings or sensation, experience etc. However, while doing this investigation in slow motions, I can see that my previous statement is illogical because Something sees identifications too so it is always there. It is very interesting. I would like to explore this further if have another pointers to IT.

This truth expressed in your words has become factual to me. I have been investigating “this entity – I/ME for a while and I can’t find it. I investigated how “I – subject” function without “I thought” and life seems to go on with its challenges and enjoyment, giving an impression that it doesn’t need “ME thought” to unfold. Things are done or not done but it seems like they don’t depend on “ME – subject”. There is still a slight bizarreness in this experience and I won’t be able to give a confident answer of who I am because truly I don’t know. I feel aliveness so I assume I must exist in some way, ha, ha...

This is also a bit tricky/unclear. There is noticing, like seeing, thinking, feeling, experiencing , etc but it feels like there is something else because that “something” can see it. Does this “something else” come only from the mind? The true answer is I don't know .

This spots my confusion which I expressed in my previous fragment. It feels like experience is flow of life, movement with many different flavours, doesn’t have a purpose or meaning, it is unpredictable. Knowing feels like awareness of these experiences. I am not sure about my last sentences as it may came form the mind which tries to put a meaning to experiences.

Yes, I am looking at this. I want to look at this over next week or longer as I want to go through different states and see how much I am buying into the thoughts that accompany my experience. At the moment if feels like most of the time there is a story attached to experiences.

I am glad that this expectation has been challenged within me. I can see that expectation is another illusion or any projections of the future outcome is only an obstacle of true seeing. I can see that any experience is actually unknown and it is only the mind that attaches an interpretation of it.

Yes, I am not English so please ask if something is unclear or misspelled.

So, if I experience a self as “don’t know”, it is because it can’t be found? It can appear as a thought but it seems not to be its true expression as it is true expression is unknowable and unfound? I am putting these in questions as I want to contemplate it. It feels like a movement is taking place. It basically feels deep and moving … not sure how else to express it. It is a penetrating movement.

Yes, that is clear. I can only say that feelings of deep appreciation are appearing right now.

thank you Tanya,

Yes, thoughts seem to veil IT but do they really? When thoughts aren't there you don't exist? When feelings aren't there you're not either? When there is sensations you're not present?

When sitting and looking, there will be looking happening all by itself, or the same with the additional sense/idea that "Divya is looking". Simply see that idea for what it is. Not to push it away. Just to see it clearly as an idea, an assumption, of a "Divya", for so long, seemingly at the centre of experience - and now, there's a growing seeing that life does not need an "intermediary", as "person" to do, think, act, eat, walk, breathe."

Currently, would it be fair to say that you believe that currently you are a person sitting in a chair, looking at a computer screen and reading words off it right now?

Currently there are words on the screen being read. Go to the actual experience itself, and ignore the suggestion of thoughts.
What reads these words?
Is there anything that is reading, or reading is just happening?

Look around in the room. Go to the actual experience itself, and ignore the suggestion of thoughts.
What sees?
Is there a seer somewhere, or there is just seeing happening?

Could it be possible that experience and knowing are one and the same? Are you aware of this sentence?

So the word ‘I’ and the bodily sensations are welded together, creating the SENSE of ‘me’. The ‘sense’ part is coming from the felt sensations, and ‘me’ part is coming as a thought. When this is not seen, BOOM! The illusion of ‘me’ is created. Can you see this?
So, can the ‘I’ be found in the actual experience other than a thought?