The Gate

Hi Nona

First of all, thank you for taking the time to help me through this process. Let me just introduce myself quickly in a few sentences.

As you know, my wife has become liberated about 6 months ago and she has been guiding others on this forum since then. I have gradually became interested in liberation myself too, partly because I have witnessed the huge positive change in her life in the last 6 months (which affects my life in a very positive way as well) and partly because I have always been having experiences which are similar to what she keeps telling me about liberation.

For example, I have been composing music since about the age of 10-12 and I always had a weird feeling that the music just "composed itself" but it wasn't "me" who wrote it. In these moments of inspiration, I don't really think about anything, things just happen, and it's really beautiful. Retrospectively, I always thought that the music just flowed through "me" from somewhere else and my body was just an agent that helped it manifest on the computer in the form of an mp3 file or whatever... After a while I had come to the conclusion that this must be some kind of an ego-less state. Of course, in the end the ego comes back and always takes credit for EVERYTHING that has happened during those last few hours :) But at the same time, it always felt a bit like cheating, because I really didn't do much else except from letting it happen (well, and operating the computer).

Another example is when I'm in nature and I can be really present and aware of my surroundings. I don't think too much then, just observe my surroundings and it's one of the best experiences. I can just sit there for half an hour or more doing "nothing".

Since the liberation happened to my wife, these experiences of mine have become more frequent and sometimes I just experience waves of rather "unwarranted" happiness/joy even though nothing special has happened. I also had a tendency to worry about things and this has too subdued to a large extent. So I figured all these things must be connected somehow and it would be in my best interest to pursue liberation myself too rather sooner than later, because I have a feeling that this is something that will definitely happen to me anyway.

I think my problem is that I can understand the concept of liberation on an intellectual/logical level, but usually I'm in trouble when it comes to actual looking and direct experience. In general, I have a tendency to overthink/overanalyse things and look for rational, logical and "provable" answers instead of doing the looking. So I guess I need someone to show me the path that leads outside of my head because I can get a bit lost in there... :)

Hope this makes all sense to you, I'm not too great at writing about these things :)

Hello revenant,

Nice to meet you!

I think my problem is that I can understand the concept of liberation on an intellectual/logical level, but usually I'm in trouble when it comes to actual looking and direct experience.

Did you notice that you have reported your direct experience in the examples above? Noticing that music is composed without a "you" doing it, being in nature and observing without doing something.
This shows me you will do fine.

Since the liberation happened to my wife, these experiences of mine have become more frequent and sometimes I just experience waves of rather "unwarranted" happiness/joy even though nothing special has happened.

Do you imagine that liberation is a State, perhaps of "unwarranted happiness/joy"? Let me assure you it is not. There are peak experiences before and after liberation, but they are not liberation. Liberation is not a State; it is seeing there is no separate entity "you/self" that is in control of a personal slice of Life.

I have a tendency to overthink/overanalyse things and look for rational, logical and "provable" answers instead of doing the looking.

Then you have come to the right place! I was an overthinker, too. In my conversation with my guide, she kept asking me to LOOK — and I thought harder! But she said Look, not Think! I will try to show you how to Look. The rest is up to you.
One thing to bear in mind: you cannot SEE the illusion with the same thinking that creates it in the first place! You will need to step aside from your thoughts, just as you described when you are composing music or enjoying nature.

Before we jump in, please tell me what other expectations (besides unwarranted happiness) you have of liberation or of our conversation. What do you think/hope will happen? What will liberation look like? How will you know when you're liberated? Please be very thorough; unmet expectations are the greatest obstacles to seeing the illusion.

with love,
Nona

Did you notice that you have reported your direct experience in the examples above? Noticing that music is composed without a "you" doing it, being in nature and observing without doing something.
This shows me you will do fine.

That's reassuring. :) I had a vague feeling that those experiences might have something to do with liberation, good to have that confirmed! :)

Do you imagine that liberation is a State, perhaps of "unwarranted happiness/joy"? Let me assure you it is not. There are peak experiences before and after liberation, but they are not liberation. Liberation is not a State; it is seeing there is no separate entity "you/self" that is in control of a personal slice of Life.

I do not expect liberation to be a constanst state of happiness. Rather I think that those states I was referring to just happen naturally from time to time, but the unliberated condition sort of "occludes" them. Like when I'm in nature but I cannot observe my surroundings because I'm lost in thought.

Then you have come to the right place! I was an overthinker, too. In my conversation with my guide, she kept asking me to LOOK — and I thought harder! But she said Look, not Think! I will try to show you how to Look. The rest is up to you.

I can definitely relate to that. We tried doing the looking a few times with my wife (just casually) and most of the time I instantly went into heavy puzzle solving / analysing mode...

Before we jump in, please tell me what other expectations (besides unwarranted happiness) you have of liberation or of our conversation. What do you think/hope will happen? What will liberation look like?

How I think about liberation is something like this: currently I'm viewing the world through tinted glasses and now there's an option to get another pair glasses that are transparent (liberation). Or get rid of the glasses at all. So I will see a truer picture of what's out there, whatever it might be.

I'm hoping that identification with thoughts will lessen further, so things will lose their heaviness and seriousness. This is already happening with me, and I think that liberation would possibly speed this process up even more.

Because there will be less identification with thoughts, there will be less emphasis on doing what I think I should do, or doing what I think others think I should do, or how I am percieved by "them" if I do this or that etc etc etc... So my true self (if there's such a thing) would be able to come forward, now unrestricted by all these mental concepts. I really don't know what that will be like, but I would like to find out. I'm mostly excited and curious about it... and a little bit scared as well, I have to admit. But not scared enough to stop me from doing this :)

Following from all this, while I don't expect constant happiness, I'm fairly sure that my overall level of contentedness and feeling at peace with whatever is would slowly rise and my overall levels of worry, anxiousness etc would slowly lessen. But I don't expected miracles, I realise this is a gradual thing.

Lastly, I also think that this is something that would happen to me inevitably (if I lived long enough) so it makes sense to do it as early as possible.

How will you know when you're liberated?

I think that when liberation happens it will "hit" me in the same way when I finally managed to solve a difficult puzzle or problem both on the intellectual and intuitive level, so I not only understand, but also "feel" the solution.

PS: This message was originally much longer, but when I realised that I was just trying to impress you by telling stories about myself, I went back and cut it down to about 40% of the original length... :)

Hi revenant,

This message was originally much longer, but when I realised that I was just trying to impress you by telling stories about myself, I went back and cut it down to about 40% of the original length.

That's interesting. I hope there were no other expectations in the part you cut.

This is not like school, where impressing one's teacher results in better grades or more attention. In this interaction I just point to where you could look; you do all the work.

I do not expect liberation to be a constanst state of happiness.

Good.

I think that those states I was referring to just happen naturally from time to time, but the unliberated condition sort of "occludes" them. Like when I'm in nature but I cannot observe my surroundings because I'm lost in thought.

Lost in thought is key here! From what you write, it seems you are lost in thought much of the time, as I was. You are used to using thought as your principal tool to figure out and navigate your world. And I'm asking you to put that tool aside; it is not the tool for this job. More about this further on...

I will see a truer picture of what's out there, whatever it might be.

Frankly, I don't know if there is an "out there" out there. But it's easy to see that thoughts about reality are unreliable — they are subject to mood, interpretation, and manipulation. What I'm going to be asking you to use instead of thought is sensation: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching.
Sensation-prior-to-thought, that is what is sensed before thoughts jump in to interpret what has been sensed, is the closest we seem to come to an Uninterpreted Moment. And the Uninterpreted Moment is what is actually happening.
Our thoughts about sensation are not what-is-happening — they are our interpretation of, our story about, what is actually happening.
For example, you are walking through the bush and you feel a touch on the skin on the outside of the ankle.
What is really happening? A touch.
Someone points out there are snakes around, and suddenly mind creates a story of a snakebite and terrible danger. This can even result in tremendous pain where moments before there was only a touch. And another plausible story/explanation is a twig touched the ankle. Any story we can tell about it is only a story.

I'm not saying snakebites don't happen in the bush. I'm pointing out that what Actually happened was a touch on the skin on the outside of the ankle; that is what the sensation was. The rest is thought.

I'm hoping that identification with thoughts will lessen further

What we will be looking at is identification with anything! We will check whether there is any concept at all that can honestly follow "I am".

there will be less emphasis on doing what I think I should do, or doing what I think others think I should do, or how I am percieved by "them" if I do this or that

I think that is a reasonable expectation; most of those who cross the gateless gate find they are less consumed with the opinion of apparent others.

So my true self (if there's such a thing)...

There is not, as a separate entity. But you may be referring to what some refer to as "our true nature", whatever that may be.

I'm mostly excited and curious about it... and a little bit scared as well, I have to admit.

What stories does the fear tell? Let's get those out on the table!

Fear is not to be feared or even avoided; fear is our friend! It has many uses! It prevents us from walking off cliffs and from engaging in life-threatening exercises. But fear is not limited to protecting us from real danger; it also attempts to protect us from imaginary danger. The key is to look for what it is protecting!
When fear arises as we walk near a high cliff, what is being protected is the body. If the body should fall, and be broken, its life might cease, so fear attempts to protect the body from death.
But when fear arises as we search for a separate entity "self", what is being protected other than the belief in a "self"? "Self" is not an actual entity and cannot be harmed.

while I don't expect constant happiness, I'm fairly sure that my overall level of contentedness and feeling at peace with whatever is would slowly rise and my overall levels of worry, anxiousness etc would slowly lessen.

Yes, this is also likely to happen.

I also think that this is something that would happen to me inevitably (if I lived long enough) so it makes sense to do it as early as possible.

I don't know about inevitability, but certainly seeing through the illusion that we are or have a separate self is very freeing so it makes good sense to pursue it.

I think that when liberation happens it will "hit" me in the same way when I finally managed to solve a difficult puzzle or problem both on the intellectual and intuitive level, so I not only understand, but also "feel" the solution.

Now here is an expectation that can be a significant obstacle to seeing the illusion.
You seem to believe that liberation will be understood intellectually or intuitively; the reality of it is until it is experienced with the senses that there is no entity "self" that controls a personal slice of life, liberation is just a story, a concatenation of ideas. It doesn't matter how well the story is put together or understood; liberation is SEEing, experientially, beyond a shadow of doubt, that "self" is a label in the same category as "Santa", "Batman", or "unicorn" — they all refer to fictions.


In the course of our conversation, I will be asking you to shift focus from thoughts to Direct Experience. What is Direct Experience? It is sensation-prior-to-thought, the Uninterpreted Moment, the touch on the ankle before thoughts scurry to identify the source of the touch; it is sensation itself without the explanation that gets added after the fact.

What is happening NOW in your direct experience?
My report in this moment is bright light, colours, shapes, dark squiggles dancing across the field of vision; cool smoothness; scent of citrus; flavour of herbs and lemon; whirring sound.
Now those labels I used in my report are clearly thought, but how else can we report experience? I could say I experience a monitor, keyboard, smell and flavour of lemon sencha tea, and hear the computer's fan. But I'm reducing my report to the sensations themselves: seeing light and colour, shapes and squiggles; hearing whirring. A computer is my explanation for what I'm seeing and hearing and feeling, just as a cup of tea is my explanation for the current experience of smell and taste.

So give it a go. What is happening NOW in your direct experience? What sensations are present?

love
Nona

Thanks, that was a very good explanation of direct experience. You are absolutely right, my primary mode of operation is to spend most of my time in my "head" in the company of my thoughts, conceptualisations, imaginations etc. I printed out your reply and read it very slowly and carefully on the train on the way to work this morning, then I tried focusing on the sensations on my 10 minute walk to the office building. Which leads me to your first question:

What is happening NOW in your direct experience? What sensations are present?

Well, what I noticed first was that there was actually lots of sensory data coming in at the same time! It was a bit overwhelming at first (probably I'm not used to focusing on the sensations so much). I found it hard to pay attention to them all simultaneously, so I kept alternating between seeing, hearing and bodily sensations. I realised that my walking had slowed down considerably and suddenly things seemed more lively and strangely interesting. This state was not new to me but usually it just happened spontaneously. I was quite surprised to see that all the other people were so very busy doing something, or going somewhere etc. At some point I had a funny feeling that this is like a movie, and my head keeps turning left and right, just like a movie camera (but this is a conceptualisation again, I was aware of that when the thought appeared). Overall, I was floating between just observing the perceptions and starting to conceptualise them.

I did the same thing during my lunch break; I just sat in a cafe on a busy street for about half an hour and tried to focus on the sensory perceptions. The same thing happened as in the morning. It was quite a nice state to be in because it was mostly worry free (not that I was worrying too much before but even that little amount went almost completely away). I somehow saw things as if they were new, as if I encountered them for the very first time. Just like when you're on a holiday in a foreign country. A thought came that even if I got nothing else out of this, this would be a very cost-effective way to go on holidays without actually travelling anywhere... :) Then, for a few moments it appeared that seeing and hearing are like two separate streams of data and just the mind creates the link between the two. Of course, this was a thought again...

To be honest, I'm having big difficulties with the visual sensations; I find it quite impossible to just see "shapes" and "colors" without actually interpreting and labeling them as a moving and changing three-dimensional scene before me. I had much more success with sound. For instance, in one moment I heard some high-pitched clanky sound, which was similar to a tambourine, then when I turned my head I saw a women wearing lots of metal jewelry walking by...

Similar things on the train trip back home with the addition that at some point I felt a sudden urge to smile for no good reason. So I did :)

What stories does the fear tell? Let's get those out on the table!

Okay, now comes the less successful part. I think it would be useful for you to know that I work as a software engineer, which means that I spend most of my time at work in solitude, just focusing on the code I write. Sadly, I came to the realisation that focusing on sensory perceptions and solving analytical/logical problems are mutually exclusive exercises. In the afternoon, I spent hours paying little to no attention to the sensations while working on a problem. When I'm in such a state, sometime I don't even hear people talking to me or I can even "forget" that I'm hungry or thirsty for a while. What scares me a bit is that I'm afraid that if I'll spend more and more time in direct experience mode, I will have less inclination to do analytical tasks, such as performing my job. So, in the end, I would end up not enjoying programming anymore, which is my only source of income...

I have similar fears about my ability to write music; somehow, I have a feeling that I might lose interest in it over time. Of course, if that happened, it would mean that I had found something else that I enjoyed even more... but still, sometimes this makes me feel uneasy (but just when I keep thinking about it :)). I'm also concerned that because I won't care about other people's opinion much anymore, I would talk too freely and get myself into trouble (e.g. getting fired at work). Also, I wouldn't care about telling white lies to people anymore, which would result in a situation that no one would want to associate with me after a while because I'm just too honest.

Another fear is that I would lose my general motivation to do anything at all and would just go with the flow a bit too much, if that makes sense.

Hi Nona

Just wondering, have you seen the reply I posted yesterday?

Thanks
revenant

Yes, revenant, I did see it. My reply has been percolating. I will post shortly.

love
Nona

Hi revenant,

what I noticed first was that there was actually lots of sensory data coming in at the same time! It was a bit overwhelming at first (probably I'm not used to focusing on the sensations so much). I found it hard to pay attention to them all simultaneously, so I kept alternating between seeing, hearing and bodily sensations. I realised that my walking had slowed down considerably and suddenly things seemed more lively and strangely interesting.

Good! Yes, there is an amazing amount of sensory input all the time! Locked in our thoughts, we often miss it! "Direct Experience" is not a special State; it is happening at every moment! Even in sleep there are sensory inputs.

This state was not new to me but usually it just happened spontaneously.

Being able to switch focus from thoughts to sensation is a key capability; it will allow you to instantly move from what you are thinking about what is happening to what is actually happening.

At some point I had a funny feeling that this is like a movie

Good! Notice that in a movie, the screen is not affected by which film is projected upon it; the movies change, but the screen remains unchanged.

I was floating between just observing the perceptions and starting to conceptualise them.

We will be working more in the observation phase.

It was quite a nice state to be in because it was mostly worry free

Yes; and any time you feel worried, a shift of focus to sensation will give you a break from thoughts.

To be honest, I'm having big difficulties with the visual sensations; I find it quite impossible to just see "shapes" and "colors" without actually interpreting and labeling them as a moving and changing three-dimensional scene before me.

Sight is the toughest of the senses to separate from concepts, because we rely on it so much to support our beliefs! In some of the exercises I will give you, I will ask you to close the eyes. This is to prevent sight from interfering with what I am asking of you.

I had much more success with sound. For instance, in one moment I heard some high-pitched clanky sound

YES! "some high-pitched clanky sound" is exactly the sort of report I am looking for!

You may find you can reduce what you see, too, by asking "what exactly is being seen?" and imagining it has never been seen before! For example, I see a computer monitor, cardboard boxes (I have just moved house), a rack of clothing, a wall, curtains, and a door. But is that actually the input to the sense of sight? No! There is a bright patch of warm colours and dark shapes I call a monitor; light shapes I call curtains and wall, darker shapes I call boxes, and a splash of many colours I call a rack of clothing. Before we were taught to label what we see, shapes and colours was ALL we saw.

I work as a software engineer, which means that I spend most of my time at work in solitude, just focusing on the code I write. Sadly, I came to the realisation that focusing on sensory perceptions and solving analytical/logical problems are mutually exclusive exercises.

Well, almost. While you are sitting writing code, you can check sensation, but it's my experience that when I am deeply engaged in my work, I do not notice the sensations that are occurring. Mind filters them out so that I can concentrate on my work.

When I'm in such a state, sometime I don't even hear people talking to me or I can even "forget" that I'm hungry or thirsty for a while.

This is not a problem at all! Notice that in these instances the coding just happens; no code-er comes in to take over the coding, pushing you out of the way! And in music-making, music just happens! No music-maker arrives and takes over the music-making. Coding and music are simply part of the flow of Life; they don't require a "you", a "self" in order to happen.

What scares me a bit is that I'm afraid that if I'll spend more and more time in direct experience mode, I will have less inclination to do analytical tasks, such as performing my job. So, in the end, I would end up not enjoying programming anymore, which is my only source of income...

As I pointed out before, you are always having direct experience; you are just not usually focused on it! You need not spend time focusing on direct experience, on sensation, beyond this period of our conversation, but I think you may appreciate being able to shift at any time away from stressful thoughts about what's going on to the direct experience of what is actually happening. Sitting in direct experience is a form of meditation, and, outside of this conversation, you need not spend any time focused on it. And while you are focused on sensation, I want you to notice your experience of the relative truth of sensation versus thoughts: how often does sensation lie? how often do thoughts?

You have never had or been a self, yet coding has happened, music making has happened, all as part of Life living itself!
Noticing there is no separate entity "self" that writes code or makes music does not stop code-writing or music-making from happening; in fact, noticing there is no separate entity "self" that does these frees the events to flow, as simply part of Life living itself.

I have similar fears about my ability to write music; somehow, I have a feeling that I might lose interest in it over time. Of course, if that happened, it would mean that I had found something else that I enjoyed even more... but still, sometimes this makes me feel uneasy (but just when I keep thinking about it :)).

Yes; thoughts are simply not content with the status quo; they need to keep creating drama so they continue to seem needed. But notice you have spent long hours happily writing code or making music without thinking about it. Those thoughts about what you are doing are not actually what you are doing! They are only stories.

I'm also concerned that because I won't care about other people's opinion much anymore, I would talk too freely and get myself into trouble (e.g. getting fired at work). Also, I wouldn't care about telling white lies to people anymore, which would result in a situation that no one would want to associate with me after a while because I'm just too honest.

Fortunately, when we discover we are not a "self", separate from other people, most people's compassion helps them not harm anyone. When we see we are not separate, it's clear that to harm "someone else" is to harm oneself. It's true that many who see through the illusion no longer find time to listen to drama or engage in pointless conversations about other people, but the conditioning we have all had does not simply drop. And that conditioning includes "manners" which engage when we find ourselves in social situations. I expect that anything you are capable of doing now to make others comfortable, you will still be able to do.

Another fear is that I would lose my general motivation to do anything at all and would just go with the flow a bit too much, if that makes sense.

It is true that many who see through the illusion lose the motivation to do what they never realised they did not wish to do; some have given up their jobs; others have given up relationships. But whether you cling to a job or a relationship or abandon it, your action will simply be part of the flow of Life. We don't have any control over that. Life happens, even while we are making other plans!


Sit quietly with eyes closed. Locate what you believe to be a "self". When you have located it, raise a hand and with a finger, point to the self. Then open the eyes and report exactly what you see.

love
Nona

Thanks, I found your explanations about the fears very clear and I have to admit I cannot find any fear left in this moment.

Sitting in direct experience is a form of meditation...

Yes, I have come to the same conclusion myself too (I used to meditate on and off for a while now).

And while you are focused on sensation, I want you to notice your experience of the relative truth of sensation versus thoughts: how often does sensation lie? how often do thoughts?

The thoughts are interpretations of the sensations, so the lying happens when the sensations become associated with various meanings and thoughts, depending on one's past experiences, beliefs, conditionings and so on. Like the "high pitched clanky sound" I mentioned in my previous post; I interpreted that one as a "tambourine" first (which was a "lie"), then I turned my head and saw a woman wearing lots of metal jewelry walking by.

By the way, I practiced direct experience on the train again this morning, this time trying to focus solely on sight. There was an interesting shift happening; suddenly, patterns started to emerge everywhere, instead of objects! Regular geometric patterns just jumped out everywhere, grids, parallel lines, diagonals, checkerboard patterns and so on. It was quite interesting because the recognition of the actual objects (fence, factory building, electrical lines, brick wall etc) came after recognising the geometric shapes and patterns.

Another interesting experience happened when I was washing the dishes after lunch, thinking about some work related problem. Then suddenly I thought, why not practice direct experience while washing the dishes? So I started focusing on the touch, sight and sound of water... when I realised that my hands had been doing their job while I was thinking about work stuff, and when I shifted the focus to the sensations, the hands just kept washing the dishes without any interruption at all. It was a very subtle feeling, and just for a split seconds, but it was like I was watching a movie again and I felt a bit dissociated from my hands; they felt external to me. Same thing when I examined myself in the mirror in the elevator ten minutes later; the image of me seemed strangely "external" to me, but this was quite subtle too and the disappeared.

Sit quietly with eyes closed. Locate what you believe to be a "self". When you have located it, raise a hand and with a finger, point to the self. Then open the eyes and report exactly what you see.

Well, I raised my hand and tried to locate it; first I pointed at my chest and then at my head, but it didn't feel natural somehow... I don't believe the self has much to do with the body (although thoughts of the body might shape the thoughts about the self). Yet, it is connected to the body somehow as the body makes it possible to register the sensations at all. I believe that the self must be a collection of thoughts and memories, but I am thinking about it again, I know... Hmmm, I think I have trouble locating it, maybe can you elaborate what I should be looking for exactly and how?

Hi revenant,

I cannot find any fear left in this moment.

Excellent. And if any shows up, let's illuminate it with the light of inquiry!

The thoughts are interpretations of the sensations, so the lying happens when the sensations become associated with various meanings and thoughts, depending on one's past experiences, beliefs, conditionings and so on.

Yes; well said!

suddenly, patterns started to emerge everywhere, instead of objects! Regular geometric patterns just jumped out everywhere, grids, parallel lines, diagonals, checkerboard patterns and so on. It was quite interesting because the recognition of the actual objects (fence, factory building, electrical lines, brick wall etc) came after recognising the geometric shapes and patterns.

YES!!! and even patterns are not basic. What are those patterns made of? Shapes, light, dark, colour. Check it!

why not practice direct experience while washing the dishes? So I started focusing on the touch, sight and sound of water... when I realised that my hands had been doing their job while I was thinking about work stuff, and when I shifted the focus to the sensations, the hands just kept washing the dishes without any interruption at all.

Interesting, that, eh? I saw through the illusion while washing dishes myself! Hands washing dishes; no "self" found anywhere; no interruption in the washing. Washing dishes happens. No "self" required.

It was a very subtle feeling, and just for a split seconds, but it was like I was watching a movie again and I felt a bit dissociated from my hands; they felt external to me. Same thing when I examined myself in the mirror in the elevator ten minutes later; the image of me seemed strangely "external" to me, but this was quite subtle too and the disappeared.

So what is the "me" the hands and image felt external to?

I don't believe the self has much to do with the body (although thoughts of the body might shape the thoughts about the self).

Good! If "self" were contained in the body, surely some scientist or medical examiner would have discovered it! And thoughts of the body do seem convoluted with thoughts of "self" for most people. But if "self" is not in the body, where, and what, is it?

it is connected to the body somehow as the body makes it possible to register the sensations at all.

Now you are positing that a "self" is required in order for sensations to be registered. But is that true? You are sitting on the train noticing sensations. Did the noticing simply happen? Or did a self squeeze in beside you to do the noticing? "You just read the paper while *I*, the "self", DO the noticing, the sensing, the registering." ??
Is a "self" required for sensation to be registered?

I believe that the self must be a collection of thoughts and memories

Say more about this, please. How did you come to this "belief"?

I think I have trouble locating it, maybe can you elaborate what I should be looking for exactly and how?

You are going to have trouble locating something that does not exist. Yet, unless you search all over for it, how will you know that "self" is a fiction, like Santa, Batman, and unicorn?
I haven't a clue what you should be looking for; you should be looking for the "self" that you believe you are or have. Each person has a different idea of what a "self" is.
HOW you should be looking I can help with.
If I asked you where your house keys are, you could think about it and say "I think they are on the hall table" or "they should be in my pocket". Or you could put your hand in your pocket or walk to the hall table and LOOK. You withdraw the keys from your pocket, or spy them on the table. THERE they are.
This is HOW to look for a "self". Just look.


Sit quietly with eyes closed.
Without relying on memory, just on current sensation, can you know the length of the body? The volume? In sensation alone, can you tell the distance between the top and the bottom of the body? Can you know its hair colour? From sensation alone, can you know its postal code?
What, exactly, can you know about the body from sensation alone?

love
Nona

So what is the "me" the hands and image felt external to?

Hmmm, can we call it awareness maybe? Something that registers the perceptions coming through the senses, like the image of my body in the mirror? And it has learned over the years that that image is associated with me.

But if "self" is not in the body, where, and what, is it?

I think that it might very well be a product of the body and not the body at the same time. Similarly to software that needs hardware to exist and function, while being a separate entity distinct from hardware at the same time. But this is fabricating theories again, I know...

Is a "self" required for sensation to be registered?

My experience suggests that the sensations are always "happening", but when my focus is on thinking, most of them are ignored. But there exists a possibility to shift the focus from the thinking to the sensations, then back to thinking again. This suggests that there are in fact several processes at work here: an observer that observes either the sensory perceptions or the thoughts, and a "supervisor" that can switch the focus of the observer at will. Actually, I find this quite confusing, and the more I think about it, the more confusing it becomes and I start to think there might be even more entities involved. Again, probably I shouldn't think too much about this, I guess?

I also tried looking to locate the self, but I have to tell, it has been an extremely frustrating experience. Whenever I attempted to look for it, something just blocked me from doing anything... I gave up after a few failed attempts, I really did not feel I achieved anything at all (except from becoming very frustrated and irritated).

I believe that the self must be a collection of thoughts and memories

Say more about this, please. How did you come to this "belief"?

Well, what is the difference between me and anybody else? Why am I doing that thing in a certain situation and not another thing like the next person? Because our past experiences, memories and maybe personalities (if there's such a thing) are different, which I believe is what is collectively referred to as the "self". Therefore, the exact same stimulus in a same situation would elicit a different reaction from person to person because their "selves" (personalities) differ. Why is it sometimes possible to recognise that a particular piece of music was written by a certain composer? Because certain characteristics of the music are recognised that only that particular composer uses, which is a reflection of his "self", which is effectively a collection of his memories and particular thought patterns, as I outlined above. Of course, I'm not too sure about all this but that's the best I can come up with when I start thinking about it.

Sit quietly with eyes closed.
Without relying on memory, just on current sensation, can you know the length of the body? The volume? In sensation alone, can you tell the distance between the top and the bottom of the body? Can you know its hair colour? From sensation alone, can you know its postal code?
What, exactly, can you know about the body from sensation alone?

To be completely honest, almost nothing can be inferred just from the sensations alone. The sensations just are. But I noticed that I had to cheat a bit with concrete locations; for example, when I felt the sensation of the wind on some part of the body, I just knew that it was my left hand, but on another level this bothered and frustrated me quite a bit because I knew that I couldn't possibly derive that location from the sensation alone. Still, they seemed to be very tightly intertwined (the sensations and the particular body parts), so I had to sort of "separate" them after I already knew the location... Hopefully that makes some sense.

But another very interesting thing that you did not ask but I discovered anyway was that the age of the body simply cannot be inferred from the sensations, and I was very certain in that. Just from the sensations, I could be either 10 years old, 36 or maybe 60 -- it's just impossible to tell.

Hi Nona

This is my second message since your last reply. I am not complaining at all, just informing you so you won't miss my previous message :)

When doing the exercises, most of the time I am alternating between just seeing (focusing on the sensations) and drawing conclusions from the experiences I just had by thinking about them, and it frustrates me to no end that I simply must think sometime, otherwise how can I interpret the sensations so I can report them to you? I feel like I am violating the "just look, don't think" principle and many times I feel I am facing an impossible task. Yet, I think I made some progress this way, alternating between looking and thinking, similarly to alternating between the left and right leg when climbing up on a ladder. But still I am quite disappointed and frustrated, because based on my understanding of your instructions, this is cheating—I am not only looking, but I am also thinking about my findings to come to certain conclusions. Maybe I am a bit overcomplicating all this, but please let me know, is the way I am doing this okay, or am I missing something perhaps?

For example, when I closed my eyes and focused on the bodily sensations, it was evident that from the sensations alone it's impossible to derive the length of the body. But there was a thinking part involved in that as well... Or it was evident that the sensations don't tell me the colour of my hair... But then I started thinking about it, that for example if someone painted my hair pink without me seeing it (because my eyes were closed), there would be no way for me to tell that from the sensations alone. That is thinking.

By the way, I had a "bad looking day" today; I tried looking on the train and during my lunchbreak, but just couldn't get myself to focus, somehow that state was not accessible to me today. But I'm guessing that's okay; sometimes it's easy to get into that state, sometimes it isn't... Still, I felt frustrated because I wanted to be in that state again like two days ago, when everything just happened almost effortlessly.

There was another important realisation that happened to me today (the thought just popped into my head, seemingly out of nowhere—it was a true "Eureka" moment!). I realised that just as people invented religion because "there must be someone who controls all this", and then the belief persisted throughout centuries and millions of people even killed each other just because of differing opinions on those beliefs, the idea of "self" must be something very similar—people just thought "there must be something that controls me", so they invented an entity called the "self", and then the belief persisted. Am I on the right track here? Again, this is more like an intellectual understanding, but I still think this thought was an important realisation for me.

Hi revenant,

the idea of "self" must be something very similar—people just thought "there must be something that controls me", so they invented an entity called the "self", and then the belief persisted.

Yes, the idea of self is just an idea. But thoughts lie all the time, so merely coming to this conclusion, this intellectual understanding, is not enough to liberate you from the belief in a separate self. You must experience what is actually happening, in reality, in order to notice whether a separate entity "self" exists at all.

It is not possible to both notice sensation-prior-to-thought AND report it at the same time. You must notice, and then later attempt to convey to me what you noticed in the most basic terms. This is not "cheating"; it is literally impossible to report AND focus on sensation simultaneously.
The next time you shift focus to sensation, notice what happens to thinking!
Close the eyes and check:
Can you think and focus on sensation at the same time?
Are there any thoughts at all in focus on hearing/sounds, smelling/scents, tasting/flavours, touching/pressure? Or do the thoughts come AFTER the sensation, in an attempt to "make sense" of them?

I wanted to be in that state again like two days ago, when everything just happened almost effortlessly.

Everything does just happen effortlessly. You're not noticing this because you are efforting. But effort is not required. Life happens whether or not you effort.

So what is the "me" the hands and image felt external to?

Hmmm, can we call it awareness maybe? Something that registers the perceptions coming through the senses, like the image of my body in the mirror? And it has learned over the years that that image is associated with me.

We can call it anything. But is it anything other than a thought? Is the image of a body in the mirror a real body? Or is it image-inary?
THINK of a cup.
See its size, shape, colouring, decorations. See its volume.
Does it have a handle?
When you have a clear image of a cup in mind, answer this:
Can I pour real tea into that cup? Can you really drink from that cup?
The cup in the image is imaginary. It is not a real cup.
Just as the image in the mirror is imaginary, and not a real "you".

I think that it might very well be a product of the body and not the body at the same time. Similarly to software that needs hardware to exist and function, while being a separate entity distinct from hardware at the same time. But this is fabricating theories again, I know...

Yes, and fabricating theories, or as I call it, Telling Stories, is useless for our investigation. It keeps us in the realm of Thought, which is where the illusion that we are, or have, a separate self is manufactured.

This suggests that there are in fact several processes at work here: an observer that observes either the sensory perceptions or the thoughts, and a "supervisor" that can switch the focus of the observer at will. Actually, I find this quite confusing, and the more I think about it, the more confusing it becomes and I start to think there might be even more entities involved. Again, probably I shouldn't think too much about this, I guess?

Occam's Razor states that among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected.
When focus switches from thoughts to sensation, do you Observe (with the senses) an "observer"? Do you Observe a "supervisor"? How many entities does it actually take for focus to shift from thoughts to sensation?
Let's check.
At the count of three, I want you to shift focus to hearing. Close the eyes, and count down…three, two, one, shift.

When you come back to thoughts from focus on sound/hearing, report how many entities were involved in the shift. An Observer? A Supervisor? A Thinker? A Hearer? A Reporter?
Or, did shift of focus just happen, suddenly focus was on sounds that moments before had passed un-noticed?

If you're not sure, practice it. When you notice you are following your thoughts, shift focus to sensation. Maybe to the pressure of buttocks on the chair. Maybe to pressure of wrists and fingertips on the keyboard. Use a sensation other than sight, as we have learned to associate seeing with thinking about seeing.

I also tried looking to locate the self, but I have to tell, it has been an extremely frustrating experience.

No surprise there! Looking for something that does not exist can be frustrating! But persevere!! Did you by any chance see the movie "UP"? The grumpy old man instructs the boy to find a snipe. What the boy finds is very useful!

something just blocked me from doing anything

Something real? Or was it thoughts and/or sensations?

what is the difference between me and anybody else? Why am I doing that thing in a certain situation and not another thing like the next person?

No difference at all. Life includes revenant and "the next person". You are assuming there is a "you" that is separate from other "persons" and separate from Life. But is that the case?
Go out into nature and watch the animal life and plant life, the earth, the sky and the clouds, the precipitation, the moon, the stars. Are these elements actually separate? Or are they comprising a whole, a living, breathing planet?
Shut the eyes and check the senses! Listen to the birds; are their calls separate from the hearing of them? Touch the leaves; is the smoothness/roughness separate from the feeling of them?

We have gotten so stuck in believing the world of our thinking that we have ignored the world of our senses! The exercises I give you are designed to have you re-aquaint yourself with your senses.

To be completely honest, almost nothing can be inferred just from the sensations alone.

To be completely honest, can anything at all be inferred from just sensations alone? At all?? Check it! What inference is not a thought?

when I felt the sensation of the wind on some part of the body, I just knew that it was my left hand, but on another level this bothered and frustrated me quite a bit because I knew that I couldn't possibly derive that location from the sensation alone.

What knew it was the left hand? Sensation? Or memory, which is thought?
We imagine our memory is somehow more truthful than our thoughts, but in fact, false memories are easy to implant. There is a whole science of implanting false memories.
False sensations are not so easy, though they are not impossible. The whole field of gustatory hallucinogens is a case in point.

another very interesting thing that you did not ask but I discovered anyway was that the age of the body simply cannot be inferred from the sensations, and I was very certain in that. Just from the sensations, I could be either 10 years old, 36 or maybe 60 -- it's just impossible to tell.

Very good noticing!! Yes, it is impossible to know from the sensations of sitting quietly pretty much anything other than it is present. Yet we imagine we know things all the time!


Let's look closer at language and how it works.
I say, "I am typing. I am sitting."
But is it true? Is there an "I" which types and sits?
Or is it truer to say "typing is happening, sitting is happening"?
What is actually going on here?

Here is an exercise that will take 20 minutes.
For ten minutes, write what is happening just as usual, using "I". I am typing, I am sitting, I am drinking a cup of tea. I am breathing.
When ten minutes is up, switch to writing what is happening without using I. Typing. Sitting. Drinking tea. Breathing.
At the end of the 20 minutes, notice the difference(s) between the two lists. Is one true-er than the other? How did it feel to write them? Was there a difference in feeling?
Was there any difference at all in how life showed up writing with or without "I"?

love,
Nona

When focus switches from thoughts to sensation, do you Observe (with the senses) an "observer"?

No, that's a result of thinking about the experience I just had a minute ago.

When focus switches from thoughts to sensation, do you Observe (with the senses) an "observer"?

Definitely not.

How many entities does it actually take for focus to shift from thoughts to sensation?

It doesn't take any, I just have the ability to shift the focus at will.

When you come back to thoughts from focus on sound/hearing, report how many entities were involved in the shift. An Observer? A Supervisor? A
Thinker? A Hearer? A Reporter?

I haven't encountered any entities, no.

Or, did shift of focus just happen, suddenly focus was on sounds that moments before had passed un-noticed?

I did just happen, but I had to initiate that shift after reading your instructions.

If you're not sure, practice it.

I practiced it with touching a few times now as you suggested and now I see the distinction more clearly what is registering the actual sensations, and what is fabricating theories about them afterwards. I don't think I saw this difference that well when I sent you my previous report. I will keep practicing this; hopefully the distinction will strengthen even further.

No surprise there! Looking for something that does not exist can be frustrating! But persevere!!

I will; my particular challenge is not to fall back into theorising instead of the looking.

Did you by any chance see the movie "UP"?

No, but maybe it's time to watch it then :)

Something real? Or was it thoughts and/or sensations?

Well, I was just unable to do the focus shifting, and at the same time I felt frustrated and I was thinking "I can't do this", "this is just too hard", "maybe I'm not ready for doing all this" etc. Of course, the sensation did not block anything.

You are assuming there is a "you" that is separate from other "persons" and separate from Life. But is that the case? Go out into nature and watch the animal life and plant life, the earth, the sky and the clouds, the precipitation, the moon, the stars. Are these elements actually separate? Or are they comprising a whole, a living, breathing planet?

Yes, and I can feel that separateness most of the time. It's weaker when I'm in nature and I can focus on my surroundings, but something unpleasant (like a mosquito bite), quickly brings it back... Something vaguely similar happens when I'm near animals or really small children (1-2 years old). Otherwise, the separateness is there.

To be completely honest, can anything at all be inferred from just sensations alone? At all?? Check it! What inference is not a thought?

With certain concepts, such as age, I cleary see it has nothing to do with sensations. With other things, like the location of the body the sensation happened in, the location and the sensation seem inseparable.

What knew it was the left hand? Sensation? Or memory, which is thought?

Actually, I re-did this exercise just now and this time I saw that the linking of a bodily sensation with a body part that has a name is clearly memory and thought. My lack of English vocabulary helped me in this (I'm doing the exercises in English) and I have no word for a certain area of the back just a bit beneath the armpits. But I still know the relative location of the sensations; they are like "left of center", "front of center" etc... I don't see those as thoughts.

Exercise 1

I have started doing the exercise Nona asked me to do. I have noticed my coffee mug, filled with coffee. I raised my left hand and drank some coffee. I hear the wind blowing outside. I also hear the birds singing. It is quite hot in here, I'm sweating a bit. I see the monitor in front of me, I like that sunset picture in the background on the LU forum. I just heard a car driving by in the distance. I have noticed that the fan of the computer is a bit loud. I heard the neighbour turned on the airconditioning, now I hear an even lounder fan noise. I heard a truck driving by. I noticed the mug again, so I drank more coffee. I felt with my hands that the mug is still quite hot. I am examining the mug now and hearing birds singing outside at the same time... and hearing the neighbours air conditioner. I just heard an aeroplane. Now I heard it again, louder. I like this mug, I like its shape and its colour. I think it is called Bali Mug or whatever... I touched it with my hand now, I felt that the outside of the mug is ribbed. It still felt hot, there's still lots of coffee in there. So I am going to drink some more now... I feel the taste of coffee in my mouth, I also felt the heat coming from the mug on my face. I liked the sensation my lips touching the ribbed perimeter of the mug. I just heard another car passing by. Now I started moving my legs, I am resting them on the metal base of the revolving chair. Now I am moving my feet to scratch them with the edges of the metal base, it feels nice. Now I put my feet on the carpet, that feels soft. I am hearing some funny noises from the outside, either another aeroplane or some neighbout operating some heavy machinery in the distance... Now I realised it is both. I noticed the computer fan again. I am thinking about it being overheated, it's a bit worrying. I hear the fridge turning on in the kitchen. I find it quite loud. Now I thought of my wife, she is in the other room. I cannot hear her making any noise at all. I am thinking of something funny, if I cannot hear her, she does not exist. I feel a nice breeze. I hear the phone ringing, time is up.

Exercise 2

The arms are sweating. Hearing my wife doing something in the kitchen. Hearing footsteps, clanking of metal (she did something with a spoon perhaphs) and the sound of a chair being moved. Irresistable temptation the use the word THAT HAD TO BE JUST DELETED! Sound of wind coming from the outside. Sensation of cool wind over the body. Hearing the sounds of blinds rattling. She started coughing in the other room. Hearing and feeling more wind. This body likes it. Hand reaching out for coffee, drinking coffe, tasting coffe. Hearing wind, feeling wind, hearing blinds. Feeling good. Smiling. Coughing. Mental note: do not smile and drink. Scratching various body parts. Noticing more sweat between arms and the table. Wishing for more wind. There is more wind now. Almost using the word again... Thoughts of appreciation for the sound and sensation of wind. Thoughts of connecting the sound of wind with the sensation of wind on the body and the sound of blinds rattling. Thoughts that the typist typing this now overcomplicates his sentences... Desire to drink more coffe. Drinking coffee, feeling the sensations of wind and hearing it at the same time. Noticing thought: "This is heaven". Breathing heavily once or twice. Nice sensation in the chest. More wind sounds. More ratting sounds. Wondering how much time is left. Noticing the hands typing relentlessly. Noticing the sansation in the tip of the fingers. Noticing the speed of typing. Amused by the fact that typing just happends. Laughing loudly. Noticing vision is blurred because eyes became a bit wet... Noticing the inability to express this well in English. Amused by the thought that this could be released as a novel and maybe people would even like it. Realising that this is a thought. Hearing people talking outside. Not being able to understand what they are saying. Noticing a drop of sweat below the left armpit. Feeling a bit sorry that the laughing stopped. Noticed a sigh. Noticing the relentless typing has just stopped, there are pauses between the sentences again. Thinking this is okay too. Noticing and feeling that the drop of sweat has reached the waist. Noticing another droplet forming but now on the right armpit. Hearing more wind sounds. Remembering the coffee. Tickling sensations on both sides of the waist. Hand reaching out, drinking coffee. Noticing bright coloured guitar picks on the table. Finally, scratching the armpit. Wondering how much time is left. Time is up.

Conclusions

Okay, around halfway in Exercise 2 I started feeling really uplifted and "light" if that makes sense. I still am in a very good mood; I am smiling almost constantly and there's some nice sensation in the chest. Everything seemed more humorous during the second exercise; nothing seemed too serious. Amusing thoughts kept coming to my mind about the whole situation (like "Mental note: do not smile and drink"). It was a very enjoyable experience and it felt really GOOD! This is a bit contradictory, but its duration also felt really LONG, while not being boring at all. Oh, and the word "THAT HAD TO BE JUST DELETED" was the word "I"... I typed it in, then deleted it.

In contrast with this, Exercise 1 was nothing special. I was sometimes a bit bored while doing it, no change in mood happened. Maybe at the end it was a bit better when I got into a tendency to use passive structures a bit more... Somehow, using "I" all over again and again seemed unnecessary and unnatural. Sometimes I just used the word "I" because I knew I had to. While during Ex.2 there was a shift in "consciousness" or "perception" or however we want to call it, during Ex.1 I stayed firmly in my ordinary mental state. Ex.2 was actually very very very similar to writing music! When I noticed the hands just typing and typing and typing relentlessly and effortlessly—that was exactly the same experience when "music writes itself"! Sadly, now that I started focusing on my memories from Ex.1, the nice feelings have almost completely disappeared.

So, thanks for this exercise; it was a very interesting experience! Now drinking the rest of the coffee... :)

Hi revenant!

Nice progress!

I haven't encountered any entities, no.

Or, did shift of focus just happen, suddenly focus was on sounds that moments before had passed un-noticed?

I did just happen, but I had to initiate that shift after reading your instructions.

Let's do this again. Pay close attention to what if anything moves the focus. Is there a Focuser that "initiates the shift"? When and how is the shift initiated? OR, are reading the instructions and shifting focus simply part of Life living itself, no Focuser or Initiator necessary at all? When you finish reading this, shift focus to the feet.

How did the shift of focus happen? Did it simply occur after reading the instructions? Or was there an actual Initiator to initiate the shift and a Focuser to do the focusing?

I practiced it with touching a few times now as you suggested and now I see the distinction more clearly what is registering the actual sensations, and what is fabricating theories about them afterwards. I don't think I saw this difference that well when I sent you my previous report. I will keep practicing this; hopefully the distinction will strengthen even further.

Excellent!! It is imperative to be able to separate sensation, what is happening, from thoughts about what is happening.

Looking for something that does not exist can be frustrating! But persevere!!

I will; my particular challenge is not to fall back into theorising instead of the looking.

Yes. But Looking is so simple! If I ask you if your cell phone is in your pocket, do you theorise about it? Or do you put a hand in the pocket and bring out the phone?
Looking for a self is no more difficult than that.
Look around the room. What do you SEE? Walls, floor, furnishings, ceiling, table or desk, computer…
Do you see a self?
Are the walls, floor, furnishings, etc present?
Is a self present?

You are assuming there is a "you" that is separate from other "persons" and separate from Life. But is that the case? Go out into nature and watch the animal life and plant life, the earth, the sky and the clouds, the precipitation, the moon, the stars. Are these elements actually separate? Or are they comprising a whole, a living, breathing planet?

Yes, and I can feel that separateness most of the time. It's weaker when I'm in nature and I can focus on my surroundings

You say "I can feel that separateness…" With which of the five senses is separation felt?
OR, is separation not a feeling at all but a thinking?

There is no one-to-one correspondence between language and reality. Language says "I do this", but no "I" is ever seen to do anything! Language says "I feel separate", but separation is a thought, not a sensation.
In what other ways does language have you assume how Life works?

Here is an interesting exercise in how labels do not have a one-to-one correspondence with reality:
BLACK GREEN PINK
ORANGE YELLOW
BLUE BROWN GREY
TURQUOISE WHITE
PURPLE RED
CYAN
When you look at the word label GREEN, what is the actual experience?
Is a red colour experienced or is a green colour experienced as the label suggests?
Do the labels have a one-to-one correspondence with reality?
Or do the labels suggest something other than what they point to?
Is green-ness an inherent attribute of the experience of the red colour, or is green just a word label on the experience of the read colour?

To be completely honest, can anything at all be inferred from just sensations alone? At all?? Check it! What inference is not a thought?

With certain concepts, such as age, I cleary see it has nothing to do with sensations. With other things, like the location of the body the sensation happened in, the location and the sensation seem inseparable.

So is location a sense? Or is it a thought?
There is a tribe that never uses "left" or "right"; they refer to the southwest limb or the northeast one. They are so at one with the planet that they know where the cardinal directions are at any moment.
If you could not use a label, which we know is Thought, such as "right hand" or "lower back", is the location of the sensation specific? Or is it kind of fuzzy?

With eyes closed, noticing sensation only, check for the boundaries of the body. Do you actually feel a distinct boundary between clothing and body? Or is it a fuzzy experience? Do you actually feel a distinct boundary between the buttocks and the chair? Or is there simply pressure?

What knew it was the left hand? Sensation? Or memory, which is thought?

Actually, I re-did this exercise just now and this time I saw that the linking of a bodily sensation with a body part that has a name is clearly memory and thought. My lack of English vocabulary helped me in this (I'm doing the exercises in English) and I have no word for a certain area of the back just a bit beneath the armpits. But I still know the relative location of the sensations; they are like "left of center", "front of center" etc... I don't see those as thoughts.

So recall when you were a child, or preferably watch a small child. How are "left of center" and "front of center" learned? Are they sensations? Or are they labels which the child has to learn, like "right" and "left", "green" and "red"?


Very nicely done on the writing exercise!!

I started feeling really uplifted and "light" if that makes sense. I still am in a very good mood; I am smiling almost constantly and there's some nice sensation in the chest. Everything seemed more humorous during the second exercise; nothing seemed too serious. Amusing thoughts kept coming to my mind about the whole situation (like "Mental note: do not smile and drink"). It was a very enjoyable experience and it felt really GOOD! This is a bit contradictory, but its duration also felt really LONG, while not being boring at all.

Yes; there is a lightness to life without an "I" sticking its nose in everywhere.

Somehow, using "I" all over again and again seemed unnecessary and unnatural. Sometimes I just used the word "I" because I knew I had to.

Yes, and English is best for this exercise because the person is not simply assumed as in most other languages. In languages in which the verb actually indicates "who" is doing the action, this would not be noticed.

Ex.2 was actually very very very similar to writing music! When I noticed the hands just typing and typing and typing relentlessly and effortlessly—that was exactly the same experience when "music writes itself"!

YES! Good to notice!!
Everything in fact does happen effortlessly. Only when "I" is inserted into the process is there efforting. Check it!
Whatever is happening in this moment, if you leave out the "I" in your description, does it alter what is actually happening? When you drop the "I" do the events themselves change? Or only the description of the events?


What would be the consequence of Life without an "I"? What would/could not happen without an "I" to do it? What does not simply happen without an "I" to direct, initiate, engage in, and complete it?
When you have an example, check it in direct experience, in sensation-without-thought. Was an "I" actually required? If not, choose a different example and test it. Keep testing until you find one that absolutely requires an "I".

love
Nona