Kanashibari
Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 10:48 pm
Hello!
My name isn't Ivan, but this poor little "I" wants some anonymous privacy. Sorry.
I'm 30 years old, that's true, and I live in São Paulo, Brazil, abou 30Km from Itaquera Stadium. Are you watching the World Cup? Well, I'm not interested in championships.
When I was a teenager, I believed in Christianity. In that time I had depressive tendencies, and I tried to use te religion to fix myself. I had a good smile in my face, but inside I felt worse and worse. About the year of 2008 I started reading about magic, mysticism and worldwide religions. Everything was very interesting, but something really caught me up, it was a Jiddu Krishnamurti's speech telling about the true revolution of the mind.
Then in 2011 I read Tolle's book The power of now. I remember I didn't even finish the book and I was on the other site of the Gate. Everything was so clear and light, I was so thankful to be alive. I lived about 3 days voluptuously, the traffic jams, my job, the home affairs, everything was so good. Then my boyfriend came back from the trip, and in a few more days it was over, the suffering "I" was back. I don't blame him.
In 2012 I read The Mirror by N. Norbu Rinpoche. In that afternoon I was free again, the subway, the crowds of people in a rush, everything was so right, so perfect. When I woke up in the next morning it was gone.
Since then I've been reading them over again, and reading new books, and meditating. But the Gate is still there, in front of me. I know I'm just dreaming, I struggle to wake up, but I just can't. Like in a kanashibari (sleep paralysis). Maybe my desire to awaken is sabotaging the Awakening itself?
It looks so close, yet so hard to get through.
I've been reading that I need a Sangha and a master. But I've been avoiding what would require much responsibilities.
Now, this place feels good for me. It feels promising.
Any guide there willing to help me?
Thanks in advance.
My name isn't Ivan, but this poor little "I" wants some anonymous privacy. Sorry.
I'm 30 years old, that's true, and I live in São Paulo, Brazil, abou 30Km from Itaquera Stadium. Are you watching the World Cup? Well, I'm not interested in championships.
When I was a teenager, I believed in Christianity. In that time I had depressive tendencies, and I tried to use te religion to fix myself. I had a good smile in my face, but inside I felt worse and worse. About the year of 2008 I started reading about magic, mysticism and worldwide religions. Everything was very interesting, but something really caught me up, it was a Jiddu Krishnamurti's speech telling about the true revolution of the mind.
Then in 2011 I read Tolle's book The power of now. I remember I didn't even finish the book and I was on the other site of the Gate. Everything was so clear and light, I was so thankful to be alive. I lived about 3 days voluptuously, the traffic jams, my job, the home affairs, everything was so good. Then my boyfriend came back from the trip, and in a few more days it was over, the suffering "I" was back. I don't blame him.
In 2012 I read The Mirror by N. Norbu Rinpoche. In that afternoon I was free again, the subway, the crowds of people in a rush, everything was so right, so perfect. When I woke up in the next morning it was gone.
Since then I've been reading them over again, and reading new books, and meditating. But the Gate is still there, in front of me. I know I'm just dreaming, I struggle to wake up, but I just can't. Like in a kanashibari (sleep paralysis). Maybe my desire to awaken is sabotaging the Awakening itself?
It looks so close, yet so hard to get through.
I've been reading that I need a Sangha and a master. But I've been avoiding what would require much responsibilities.
Now, this place feels good for me. It feels promising.
Any guide there willing to help me?
Thanks in advance.
