Right now, are you sitting or laying down and seeing a screen in front of you and reading words off it?
Simple as that really - Yes or No.
Simple, eh? If we were chatting on the phone, not engaged in this particular discussion, and you asked me this question, I would say that I am sitting on the couch, looking at my computer screen and reading words off of it… yes.
But… as this inquiry into who “I” am is not new, I understand that “I” am nowhere to be found. There is a body, there is a computer screen, there is typing.
There is thinking about how to stand in the middle of these two notions … one that I am here doing this stuff and the other that stuff is happening.
This seems to imply that I am trying to figure out how I can be and not be at the same time.
I guess, short answer, is yes.
Do you have control over your life?
What I truly believe is no. I’d say that this belief is relatively new. I’ve experienced over the past year or so a bit of effort and effortlessness. Effort feels like pushing something. That’s what it feels like when I believe that I have control over my life. When I realize that I have no control, things happen effortlessly.
So, currently I (the one who doesn’t exist) believes the answer is no. But as I’d like to make clear, I don’t think that I “see” (with 100% clarity) this as being true. It’s a belief right now.
Do you have control over your body?
I’ve been observing this recently and I would say no, I don’t have control over my body. But it does seem that “I” do things intentionally… like go to work, rush to the train, etc. Maybe “I” decide to run to catch a train or “I” decide it’s ok to wait for the next one.
And just to keep confusing the picture... if I look at those situations, thoughts happened and actions happened and running to the train or waiting for the next one happened. Not clear where the controller could be found.
The body that appears there right now, is it ‘you’?
Sigh. I know it’s not me. And there is more clarity to this realization now than a few weeks ago. I sigh because this is still a part of this limbo syndrome. I feel like I know this… the body is not me… and yet, it still appears to be “mine.”
Does the body see, hear, feel etc? (So in essence YOU see, hear and feel - You experience the world).
No, the body doesn’t “do” any of that stuff. I would say that it’s a medium for seeing, hearing, feeling. But, of course, that implies that someone is seeing, hearing, and feeling. Thoughts tell me that it is me who is doing this stuff. And I understand my thoughts are just thoughts.. not true.
--- when I say "I understand" and "I know.." is this intellectual analysis?
Do you choose what to think? Do the thoughts control your actions?
I most definitely do not choose what to think. The thoughts, when paid attention to, seem to have influence over what happens next - feelings in the body, an impulse to do something, etc. Yet, when really looked at, thoughts don’t control my actions. Thoughts happen and actions happen and they don’t always relate to each other.
It appears that “I” am able to, at times, direct the inquiry for more thoughts to appear. But I have to say that even that has become less recently… sometimes so much so that I wonder if it’s a mental issue (losing control of my mind) or a true dropping of this controlling thought.
What does the word 'I' mean or point to?
It points to a set of behaviors, history, actions, achievements, losses, etc. that people call Jeremy. When looked for, it is not found. When I look, the whole set of things breaks apart and there is nothing really there. And yet, Jeremy still has an identity that helps him play his character in the world.
“I” is a label that creates the illusion of individuality, self, separateness (I think I may have strayed into intellectual analysis). And this is known, but not seen with clarity.
Throw any other ideas in the pot if you feel the need.
Just maybe to expand on this notion of being in limbo. A feeling of being neither here nor there. Sort of like a flickering light. The awareness of no-self is palpable and yet there is the feeling or thought that it is I who has such awareness.
And then there are the moments when it feels like “I” might actually disappear. In the past… especially when I ventured with psychedelics… this feeling of disappearing would scare me and cause a contraction back into me… into the I.
It’s a state that feels like if the I is dropped, let go, realized to be false … then either madness or death would occur. There are whiffs of that still around that are unsettling.
Unsettling to whom? Good question ;)
Many thanks to you, Xain.