Hi Akash,
let's continue....
What realizations did you have ?
In my life I had a lot of realizations and all of them had some small impact to the my view of the world, but now when I think about that, it was like I was breaking branches instead of pull out whole tree from the ground.
At a university lecture in physics I was completely amazed when the teacher was telling us that matter is made up of the same particles. That resonated in my head for days. For me then everything was connected on this atomic level, we were all one.
Later, the war happened in my country and it was hard core. Death, hunger, lack of everything, complete disaster. We where for four years in siege, constantly bombarded and you never know when you could die. I was seventeen then. Just a kid. Whole this danger and uncertainty of life itself and lack of basic needs for life like food and water is terrible thing BUT is in the same time very liberating if you don't resist. Because your needs are reduced to minimum, all masks fell down because all people are in same shit just fighting to survive. During it, I dreamt to have a proper bath for hours. After the war when I had a bath that was a big realization for me. When I was lying in the water I was asking myself is that it, is that all, I was awaiting this moment and now where is this happiness. That was shocking for me. Where is that haven and bliss and all. I didn’t realize completely that it's in my head, it has been just like big question which every little warning me that desires are strange and unfulfillable, so to say.
The next big thing was when I had gout in India. Every joint was in big big pain and I was paralyzed. Then I saw that I am not the owner of this body, and that I can't move a finger without "Gods" mercy. Those were years of bhakty, hehhehe. Because I was in Bhakty yoga I didn’t analyze it and when I look it now that was sooooo close.
After my father died, I was constantly thinking about death and questioning myself what is gone and where did he go. This made me brake illusions of a personal god and I become some kind of atheist. Then I didn’t know buddhism so well. There are a lot more, but it's too much now and maybe irrelevant to this conversation.
What was your understanding/misunderstanding ? What does no "I" mean ?
By reading the book "Gateless Gatecrashers" I was going thru some process. Firstly, I couldn’t even mentally comprehend the fact that there is no any I which is not controlling things, but analyzing it I got glimpses of it. I must admit that still, doubts come regarding the free will but after fundamental analysis, I got it that its like that on this "absolute" level and that when I think from this mind level its very hard to see it.
This makes me think that I still didn’t get it, because this is not permanent.
The book helped me to deepen understanding of the functions of mind and to look at it like its just another organ which functions are to pop up thoughts, emotions and feelings. This helped me not to take it so seriously.
Whit this I meant just that I don't accept this mind with this labeling and thoughts so easy.
According to you who is this "I" that needs to see the truth ? What does this "I" comprise of ?
This last question is most important.
Who is this "I" that needs to see the truth? What does this "I" comprise of ?
I mentally know that "I" don't exist, but how this mind don't understand it?
This is telling me that this "I" is this mind/brain and full set of thoughts for me.
Right now it's very hard to answer to this question, like I lost all concentration and all knowledge.
It looks to me like it's a collection of all the thoughts and all the processes in the brain so that means that it is impermanent and non-existent.
All best dear friend.