First write what you are experiencing right now using words I and me. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just plain description of here now. Like this- "I am laying in bed. I am hearing the rain, I am typing these words…." Do it for 10 minutes. Watch the body, are there any sensations of tightening or relaxing?
Then for next 10 minutes write without words I and me. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs: "Waiting for next thought, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the rain." Again watch what is happening in the body.
Once finished the above, compare the two ways to label experience- is one truer than the other? If so, which one? What is here without labels? Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
When using ‘I’ or ‘me’ to describe experience, I felt some tightening in the body. Thoughts occurred faster as I attempted to convert my observations into typed text. I noticed that a sensation occurred first, and then I responded to it (like scratching an itch, or readjusting my knee).
When not using ‘I’ or ‘me’ to describe experience, I definitely felt more relaxed, and nearly started to doze off toward the end of the 10 minutes haha. My thoughts seemed to occur at a slower rate.
You’re right: the sensations simply occurred, not "to" "me". I registered the sensation, such as an itch, and I did something about, like scratching it, but that doesn’t mean the sensation was “mine”. Without labels, just the perceived sensation was there. Labels do seem to affect the experience, such as by ascribing degree (such as if something itches a little or a lot), and otherwise interpret the sensation toward a direction that may not necessarily be real.
So the body is there because the body is there .... No! Doesn't work not even in logical thought .... I feel santa exists because santa exists .... No! ... self referential logic does not prove anything (except perhaps that thoughts can believe anything!)
That definitely did sound circular. Let me try again:
Where is the body? Don’t use touch. What is body? How do you know its there? Is it sensation that tells you its there? Is it sensation then thought?
Sensations are occurring all over, all around: on the surface of my skin; inside the body (something [the heart] feels to be moving down, and then up, constantly); I hear a steady buzz (of cars passing by on the freeway nearby). How do I know the body is “there” without seeing it? It’s as if my awareness is going out and fetching a sensation or, more accurately, the sheer fact that a sensation is occurring means something is there. Or else there'd be ... nothing, completely blank and devoid of anything.
Stare at a table. How do you know the table is there? What is your direct experience of this ‘table’? List your direct experience. Is it senses that tell you its there? Is it thoughts about the table that tell you its there? Look very closely. Which comes first the sense or the thought?
I see black [the table surface], with straight lines after which white [the wall] and beige [the carpet] start. I also see a lighter black [where light hits the surface]. I see darker blacks too [where different objects on the table cast shadows). I'm reminded of an exercise in a Drawing 101 class: rendering 3D objects into 2D in black & white by using different shades to mimic perspective, edges overlapping others, etc.
When I look closely, I realize that my thoughts create "perception shortcuts", to help me quickly categorize what I see. For example, if I were to quickly look at the table I’d quickly register: “a glass cup is sitting on top of the table, casting a shadow”. But if I look closely I notice the different colors of the table and everything around the table. When I see a cup on the table, there’s nothing about the actual sensation of seeing the glass that inherently means that the cup is made of “glass” with “water droplets sticking to the sides”. I simple see through this object, and the colors around the object help me decipher the shape of the object … The sensations definitely come first, and the labels seem to create “meaning”.
Touch the table. How do you know its there? What is your direct experience of this ‘table’? List your direct experience. Is it senses again? Is it thoughts again? Look very closely. Which comes first the senses or the thoughts? Look at how thoughts try and take over, try and explain, try and prove.
I see my arm -- a brown thing [my hand] now punctuating the black [the table] … my fingers breaking up the straight lines [of the table edge] -- move toward the table. When my fingers touch the table … [It’s hard translating direct experience into words!] … my fingers cast shadows. I feel a cold sensation on my fingertips. When I move my fingers, the cold sensation turns into a slightly warm sensation. Once my fingers touch the table they can’t move any further … the more I try the more the muscles in my arm tense up. When my fingers move across the table I feel a “stickiness” (my best DE analog for friction). Again, the senses come first, and then my thoughts pour in to start labeling that which I experience (e.g. “my finger is going over a straight edge now”). When I pay attention to something, the sensation is perceived but the thoughts are directed there too. When I’m not paying attention to something, like the sensation of my legs resting on top of the bed
while I’m touching the table, there is no sensation felt, and no thoughts about my leg on the bed arise … What is the role of selective awareness in all this?
Touch the table with your eyes shut. How do you know its there? What is your direct experience of this ‘table’? List your direct experience. Is it senses again? Is it thoughts again? Look very closely. Which comes first the senses or the thoughts? Look at how thoughts try and take over, try and explain, try and prove.
I feel the skin of my elbow un-sticking from itself as my forearm separates from by bicep ... the cloth of my sweatshirt adjusting in a hundred different ways that I can't fully sense ... a coolness on my hand and fingers [as my hand goes through the air, toward the table]. Finally, my fingers feel a smooth’ish texture, a cooler sensation, and my arm can’t extend anymore, my fingers can’t move forward anymore. I know “something” is there because it is blocking the trajectory my arm was on when I first moved it. I definitely sense the table first, especially as my fingers push down, and the straight edge indents the skin of my fingers. Senses definitely come first, and the thoughts pour in to affix labels on what I am feeling.
Can you see this is all story? How does "a tightening" become "frustration"? How does "frustration" become "I want ...." ? Can you see that a sensation is experienced, then a thought comes in labelling it as "frustration" and then more thoughts jump into the first thought's party to explain and support the first thought by stating why the frustration is there. What happens if the sensation was just experienced, and thoughts happened but were just allowed to be?
Yes, I can see how a label describing a sensation can snowball into full-blown “frustration”. If the sensation was just experienced, the “tightening in the throat” would be just that ... no more or no less.
Silence .... if that's what is experienced then that is what is experienced. What is it that then layers on all this "feel uneasy", "having trouble", "really wanting" .... ? Is it thoughts?
Yes, it's definitely thoughts that add these layers on top of the sensation, like an onion, to an extent where the original sensation is rendered nearly unnoticeable, untraceable.
Thanks for the guidance so far! It's helping me see things in slightly different ways than before.