Dear Bezhad
1 Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No! The separate sense of self is an illusion so doesn’t exist and has never existed so in other words it’s not like you get rid of it, but it is just seen that it isn’t there that you have been misunderstanding the situation all along.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it
works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Of course it can’t be known for sure, but perhaps there is some part of the brain that function to make fragments of experience into entities or things. It seems that it takes unconnected bits and makes them into nameable forms. Like when people look at clouds and see animals, faces, things. They are not really there but the brain likes to make shapes and movements into things and then name them as an entity. Same thing applies in making events into stories. Just like this the ‘I/Me’ is a story that seems to unify experience. I write ‘bits’ or parts but these too are not discrete entities. In reality there is just movement and energy (not a good word but the best one I can come up with) in a constant state of flux. But this can’t be seen when these ‘namings’ are believed in as true reality in themselves and not just a sort of play.
It does seem to start in childhood – children have much more sense of flowing with life. Not sure what happens exactly. Language seems an important factor as something that solidifies experience into separateness and creates the illusion of ‘things’, particularly the ‘I’. Just trying to explain things in language leads down paths of separateness that it’s hard to avoid.
We develop an illusion of control which needs ‘objects’ to be controlled. Or perhaps we feel we need to control because we live in a world where we believe we are separate from everything else – yes feels more that way round.
It’s like the ‘I/ME’ is in a constant battle to survive, because it doesn’t exist! This creates a tremendous discomfort because things as they are aren’t seen. It’s exhausting to keep an illusion going when it’s constantly being challenged by reality. The I illusion is always at odds with what is, and it goes alongside the illusion that we can control things so it feels very desperate as it struggles to hold back the waves!
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this
dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Compared to before this dialogue was started, here’s a deep down sense of peace, of being here, of being at home in the world, happy just to be here in the world. I’m not fighting things or wanting them to be different. IT’s like everything is part of me, except of course there’s no me so everything is just one. There’s a space that’s opened up through which things move. And what a relief, nothing to do, nothing to control. How could anything be wrong because the idea that anything could be different from the way it is seems laughable. And with this there’s been tremendous stress arising in (my) life in the past two weeks – there’s been stress in the body, contraction and intense pressure and yet also this sense of flow. In other ways stress has decreased, relating with other people has become so much more pleasurable, so easy. The old feelings, the conditioning is still there but it’s seen through quicker, like it’s opaque. The beauty of the world is so much more so – textures of things are fascinating, colours, shapes sounds when I zoom in on them are lovely! The I illusion is no longer filtering the senses. Acceptance is there too – before I used to ‘try’ to accept things, making an effort and talking myself into accepting. Now everything is accepted before I even notice they are ‘there’. Not even accepted because there is no me to accept them – it all just is! Language just fails here to describe it.
But overall it’s all so ordinary, yes that sense that ‘is this really all it is?’, yet also something quite extraordinary. Everything just the same, everything so different. Weird.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It started when I was reading the ‘Gateless Gatecrashers’ book – the story about Shawn (?). I just suddenly saw this thing about the ‘I/Me’ being the mind/brain whatever putting together bits into an imagined thing – how we kind of form thoughts, feelings, sensations into the I but they are of course not anything but impersonal arisings. But then there was still I/me illusion remaining so then an important question was about controlling the process that the original realisation started – was there an I controlling it. This idea that somehow ‘I’ had to steer it or do something about it - what a relief to look and see that no there wasn’t and I so this was not possible. This idea of zooming in and zooming out happening rather than a ‘me’ which was somehow directing awareness was really useful here. Also that there was nothing happening to me – at first it felt like there was a realisation happening to me – but then with Bezhad’s question I realised that of course there wasn’t a me for anything to be happening ‘to’. Similiarly this sense of inside and out that I still had – that was important questioning because that really joined everything up into this whole that’s just happening, happening, happening.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything
happen? Give examples from your experience.
No! Impulses arise to respond or affect events but these impulses are not chosen by anything – they occur. These impulses seem to arise, for instance if discomfort arises and I want to change position of the body it seems that the impulse to move arises and then a thought will arise ‘I want to move my leg’. Previously I would have thought that it was the thought that was deciding, but now there is the realisation that the thought is just arising in parallel to the impulse, no one is in charge.
This last week I had to organise something in my personal life which was extremely time-pressured with quite a lot at stake and involved doing a tremendous amount of extra work and organising under pressure. Also my elderly father was admitted to hospital for an emergency operation and is still very unwell. My work has been at its busiest and most demanding. There has been a tremendous amount of stress and tension arising in my body and the sense of being driven on to get things done in time. There was not a state of peace! So questions have arisen at times as to whether this no self was really realised since this stress state was so intense and at times a sense of almost total immersion in this ‘must get it done’ thought. Yet with this there has also been a sense of zooming out and that these feelings, thoughts, processes are still contained within another perspective. Also I was amused at times when I reflected that it would be totally ok if the outcome was different from the one that was being driven towards. So there’s a question I suppose - something about seeking reassurance about is this how it is, or is there more to be done? If I look at this question what is found is that seems that this is very much a process that continues, after the realisation occurs. Confusion is there sometimes, disbelief, questioning, then wonder, gratitude, a smile. Feel it would be good to have some follow up support over time of others who are going through similar.
6) Anything to add?
Marvellous process, marvellous generosity of all involved in the forum. Thank you thank you. Just astonishing really.
Love Katex