Hi Vivi,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate entity of any kind anywhere and never was. There was just the belief that there was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
I do not recall a time when there was no sense of a separate self. It always was here it seems. It is what I believed I was, a separate me with a body, mind, consciousness and intent that had volition, made choices, generated ideas and worked on improving itself - in time. Memory helped create a linear past full of stored ideas, thoughts and preference (plus hidden conditioning, patterns and distortions) and a very detailed story of who "me" is and isn't. So, accepting the "I" thought (and all other thoughts) without question was just happening.
The "I" was the central source or driver in control of all aspects of "me". Its job was to navigate through life in the way that best served "me".
The bizarre part is that what "I" thought was happening, never happened. It was a thought, a belief. Never actual. So while this expression of life was doing what it does, automatically without anything steering it, there were just many thoughts arising and falling away that told a story that wasn't happening. More thoughts just added to the original story - to fuel it and keep it 'alive' - labelling, describing and conceptualizing.
But nothing ever happened. None of it was real or true. Totally wild really!
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days
.
Before we began this dialogue most "I" thoughts were seen through and thinking was seen as happening spontaneously, feelings, sounds etc arising and falling away automatically (not "mine" or controlled by "me"). However, at times when all experience combined into something that looked like clear evidence that "things were not going well / or not going right" and that "someone needed to do something", clarity seemed lost.
There is relief/ expansion seeing through what is essentially nothing more than a concentration of automatically arising thoughts, sensations and conditionings. Even in the face of these, there is now unwavering awareness of just now - before thought and labels.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Two things - firstly identifying the expectation behind seeing through the "I" thought and recognizing an assumption that fear and dread would not arise again like it has been doing around business and secondly; seeing the "evidence" strung together -
When the pressure and constriction in throat and chest is felt - what is the connection to fear and anxiety? What is the connection to money and business? Seeing it like this made it obviously false.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
All that is happening is life expressing itself now. Thoughts come out of nowhere, are here and then vanish again. Choices are made and doing happens spontaneously. Sensations and emotions appear and leave. This is all happening to no one. Pre-thought there is just experience without naming or categorizing or understanding. Just experiencing. Nothing is making anything happen - happening is just happening now.
6) Anything to add?
This inquiry - these questions - brilliantly pointed out what was not being seen through. This brought attention to pure experiencing now. Lots of gratitude - thank you!
Warmly,
Su