I am ready to quit suffering

[DancingPanther]

Hello, my name is Paulina and I am 23 years old and feel like I may need some guidance here :)
I actually don't know what can I write here, maybe I'll just point some things from my life, which may be somehow relevant. I am the oldest child of my parents, that's why they were always very demanding towards me - they set me as an example for my younger sisters. My dad was an alcoholic, and I wasn't coping with it well, so when I was 16 I moved from my home to another city. Three years ago I started working with ayahuasca, later on Vipassana Meditation and keeping awareness in my everyday life. I gave up my earlier life and started working as a healer, but still I do not feel it is exactly right. Vipassana helped me a lot with my temper, but still there are moments when I feel lonely and sad. I tried letting it go, accepting it, watching sensations but somehow nothing helps. Besides that, there are no words to describe it, but "I" feel like there is some kind of "gate" or "threshold" I am at and the question which arises within me is "what's next?" That feeling, I do not know how to describe it, is like "I don't know what to do" like there is something missing.
In two days I am leaving to another country so for couple days I may be off internet, but still, would appreciate starting work now.
Thank you very much! :)

[cosmiK]

Hey Paulina,

I'll be your guide,

There are a few ground rules, please respond to confirm:

1. You agree to post at least every day.
2. I will post questions, and you will answer them.
3. When you answer you answer 110% honestly,
4. and when you do answer, you answer from your direct experience (felt senses and observed thoughts). Long winded analytical and philosophical answers are not needed and may even hinder progress.
5. Put aside all other teachings, philosophies and such for the remainder of this journey. Really put all your effort and attention in to seeing this reality, as it is. If you have a daily and essential meditation practice, it is fine to continue that.
6. Please learn to use the quote function.

Look forward to this :)

[DancingPanther]

Hello cosmiK thank you!

1. I am leaving fow a few days soon, and I don't know if I will have access to internet there, but I will do my best.
2. Yes. Thank you.
3. Yes.
4. OK
5. OK
6. Ok thank you

Hugs! :)

[cosmiK]

Okay Paulina,

SEEing is dependent on how sick you are of the bullshit, stories, and suffering, that all stem from living a lie. It can happen instantly, or you can drag it along... all up to You :)

Let's end the bullshit, shall we?

Besides that, there are no words to describe it, but "I" feel like there is some kind of "gate" or "threshold" I am at and the question which arises within me is "what's next?" That feeling, I do not know how to describe it, is like "I don't know what to do" like there is something missing.

Is there a separate self, anywhere, in any form?

Is there separation in experience, right here, right now?

What is missing in this moment?

Answer with respect to Direct Experience, here & now. Keep it short and sweet, yet say what you need to say.

Love.

[DancingPanther]

Is there a separate self, anywhere, in any form?

What is it supposed to be separate from?

Is there separation in experience, right here, right now?

I don't know.

What is missing in this moment?

I don't know.

Thank you!

[cosmiK]

Hey Paulina,

What is it supposed to be separate from?

The question points to experience, here and now - is there an experience-er?
In what is perceived, can you find a perceiver?
Is there a Paulina that is observing everything else?

In your introduction you said:

Besides that, there are no words to describe it, but "I" feel like there is some kind of "gate" or "threshold" I am at and the question which arises within me is "what's next?" That feeling, I do not know how to describe it, is like "I don't know what to do" like there is something missing.
In two days I am leaving to another country so for couple days I may be off internet, but still, would appreciate starting work now.

What I am trying to do is understand what you feel is missing, or what you feel should come next, and why there is this sense of 'more'?

In your post heading you say "I am ready to quit suffering"
Please explain what you mean, and how you believe this process can help you?

Vipassana helped me a lot with my temper, but still there are moments when I feel lonely and sad. I tried letting it go, accepting it, watching sensations but somehow nothing helps

There is a lot of 'me'/'i' that seems to be popping up. Is there a You/Me/Paulina that meditates, feels lonely, tries to let go and accept, and watches sensations?

Talk to me, and tell me how I may be able to help you.

[DancingPanther]

Hey CosmiK

The question points to experience, here and now - is there an experience-er?
In what is perceived, can you find a perceiver?
Is there a Paulina that is observing everything else?

Here and now I can feel there is experiencer, but I don't see it. It is like I feel there is a boundary between me, the perceiver, and outer world.

What I am trying to do is understand what you feel is missing, or what you feel should come next, and why there is this sense of 'more'?

I feel somehow incomplete, like something is missing. I feel urge for deeper understanding, being more pure.

In your post heading you say "I am ready to quit suffering"
Please explain what you mean, and how you believe this process can help you?

I was experiencing a lot of pain lately, so thought maybe it is because of my convictions which I am not aware of. I was hoping to get into it.

There is a lot of 'me'/'i' that seems to be popping up. Is there a You/Me/Paulina that meditates, feels lonely, tries to let go and accept, and watches sensations?

I feel like there is some kind of separation, on the most primal level. There is "higher-self me" and me - Paulina struggling with her feelings and life challenges.

Love:)

[cosmiK]

Hey Paulina,

There are a lot of assumptions that are inherent in your message, and we are going to have to test all of it out in Direct Experience. This is the only way. This is not about changing you to become a new 'higher self' or someone more 'pure'. This about seeing the simple Truth that there is no separate You to change. Spirituality gets mixed with self help... Yet there is never a self to help. It's a self referencing loop which goes nowhere. However... Fuck me... I'm just a nutter on the Internet... Lets actually investigate experience, and test these assumptions of yours, and you will see for yourself.

Let's adopt a method of breaking down experience to help our investigation. This way we can both be on the same page. I mean... we can agree that grass is green, honey is sweet, and soon that there is No You!

In Experience, there is just this Experience.
1) thoughts
2) sensations x5 (seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling [tactile+kinesthetic], tasting)
3) presence/being (an unmistakable sense of aliveness)

We can break down Exp. in this way.

Test this out in your Experience, here and now, no speculation, and confirm for me, that these are also the basic building blocks of all Experience. Then we can begin serious direct investigation.

[DancingPanther]

Hey CosmiK,

thank you for your reply, it clarified things.

In Experience, there is just this Experience.
1) thoughts
2) sensations x5 (seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling [tactile+kinesthetic], tasting)
3) presence/being (an unmistakable sense of aliveness)

We can break down Exp. in this way.

Test this out in your Experience, here and now, no speculation, and confirm for me, that these are also the basic building blocks of all Experience. Then we can begin serious direct investigation.

Yes, those are basics of Experience.

[cosmiK]

Hey Paulina,

thanks for the test and confirm. Now we have a tool that we can use and confirm together. When I say LOOK, CHECK, and SEE.. it's not refering to thought-stories, it is looking deeply in your experience. For instance... if I say.. close eyes, and refer to direct experience there may be 2 types of responses:

1) thought-story
"i'm sitting on my chair and i can hear some noises and i feel some sensations. i'm experiencing.. i don't quite like this... it's just.. it just doesn't feel right... i should be feeling..."

2) communication reflective of direct experience
"sensations of 'body' on 'chair'..."
"sounds"
"sensations of 'head'"
"some thoughts"
"sounds"
"more thoughts"
"emotion of 'sadness'"
"sensations of 'body'"
"constant experiencing, shifting experiencing"

see the difference. this is your Work, and you must do it, I cannot do it for you. I will point you to investigate any assumptions, and you will investigate. I will question this assumed self that is separate, incomplete, etc... and you will investigate. I will question, and you will investigate if there is a YOU investigating. I will point, you investigate, and respond with respect to direct experience. Simple process. That's your work.... so....

Here and now I can feel there is experiencer, but I don't see it. It is like I feel there is a boundary between me, the perceiver, and outer world.

So, investigate direct Experience, here & now.

is there a boundary? if so where? is it possible that the boundary is just an aspect of Experienced labelled 'boundary' by a thought?

is there a "me"? if so where and what is it? is it possible that this "me" is just a label given to a specific aspect of Experience?

is there a "perceiver"? or is that just another perception? another aspect of Experience?

is there an "outer world"? look in Experience. Where is this dividing line/point? LOOK DEEPLY at it?

is there an experience-er that experiences experience?
or
is there JUST Experience, and thoughts that may say "i can feel an experience-er" and "i can feel a boundary" and "there is the outside world"?

is it possible that there is no separate perceiver, and just the perception?
is it possible that there is no separate experiencer, and just the experience?

I feel somehow incomplete, like something is missing. I feel urge for deeper understanding, being more pure.

there is perhaps some sensations, maybe some affective emotions, and then some thoughts that say "I feel somehow incomplete, like something is missing. I feel urge for deeper understanding, being more pure."
investigate with respect to direct experience.

what is incomplete... here and now? what comes up?

what is missing... here and now? what comes up?

what is a 'deeper' understanding? understanding of what? for what?

what is 'impure' about here & now?
how can it ever be 'more pure'

is it possible that there is just some sensations, a sense of being, and a thought that says "incomplete" or "something is missing" or "i need some more understanding, some deeper understanding" or "i'm not my higher self yet" or "i'm impure" ?

I was experiencing a lot of pain lately, so thought maybe it is because of my convictions which I am not aware of. I was hoping to get into it.

if feelings arise, let them, FEEL them fully. drop any labels about the feeling being "sadness" or "anger" and let it completely do it's thing. thank it, and thank it again for it's clear message. be completely open to it. then continue to investigate and falsify the assumption that there is a center that all of this 'seems' or 'feels' to happen to.

it's important that we do not make this in to a therapy or a self-improvement session, yet if you feel there is a feeling or experience that comes up that is essential, we can address it here, YET, the most important thing here Paulina, is waking up from illusion. The illusion is that there is someone or some-thing that is in pain. There is no such thing. Again... who cares what I say... investigate the feeling. Is it arising to anyone, if so, where is she? Once the illusion of separation is seen through, the stickiness of anything that arises including pain or anger or sadness or bird poop will not have any power, because there is noone to have power over, and nothing to stick to.... just an experience, just Experience.

I feel like there is some kind of separation, on the most primal level. There is "higher-self me" and me - Paulina struggling with her feelings and life challenges.

Seekers often use such terms as if there is some inherent reality in such things. You can investigate these things directly now.

what is at a 'primal level' ? is it in your experience? or is it a thought-abstraction?

what is a 'higher self'? is it there, now?
what is a "me"? is it there, now?
where is this "Paulina" that is struggling? is it there, now?
or are these just labels we place on Experience?

investigate this separation. LOOK RIGHT AT IT, and FIND IT, and INVESTIGATE IT.
is it perhaps some sensations that are 'uncomfortable'?

[DancingPanther]

Hello CosmiK!

see the difference. this is your Work, and you must do it, I cannot do it for you. I will point you to investigate any assumptions, and you will investigate. I will question this assumed self that is separate, incomplete, etc... and you will investigate. I will question, and you will investigate if there is a YOU investigating. I will point, you investigate, and respond with respect to direct experience. Simple process. That's your work.... so....

All right, eager to do it! Thank you.

is there a boundary? if so where? is it possible that the boundary is just an aspect of Experienced labelled 'boundary' by a thought?

It felt like my body was the boundary between "I" and "them". As Experience appeared, and I stopped identifying myself with sensations within body, the boundaries began to "fall out", the illusion of them revealed themselves. Something incredible happened, presence realized itself.

is there a "me"? if so where and what is it? is it possible that this "me" is just a label given to a specific aspect of Experience?

"Me/I" was the aspect of Experience within the body, labeled body as "me".

is there a "perceiver"? or is that just another perception? another aspect of Experience?

The "perceiver" disappeared with boundaries:)

is there an "outer world"? look in Experience. Where is this dividing line/point? LOOK DEEPLY at it?

There is nothing, emptiness. No inner, no outer, just presence/experience.

is there an experience-er that experiences experience?
or
is there JUST Experience, and thoughts that may say "i can feel an experience-er" and "i can feel a boundary" and "there is the outside world"?

It just experience and thoughts passing by! (understood!)

is it possible that there is no separate perceiver, and just the perception?
is it possible that there is no separate experiencer, and just the experience?

Yes and yes :)

there is perhaps some sensations, maybe some affective emotions, and then some thoughts that say "I feel somehow incomplete, like something is missing. I feel urge for deeper understanding, being more pure."
investigate with respect to direct experience.

what is incomplete... here and now? what comes up?

what is missing... here and now? what comes up?

what is a 'deeper' understanding? understanding of what? for what?

what is 'impure' about here & now?
how can it ever be 'more pure'

Nothing is missing anymore, everything is just as it is. This "deeper understanding" seeked was the experience.

is it possible that there is just some sensations, a sense of being, and a thought that says "incomplete" or "something is missing" or "i need some more understanding, some deeper understanding" or "i'm not my higher self yet" or "i'm impure" ?

It is possible. And a question arised: is a sense of being real? Does it exist? What is real?

[DancingPanther]

if feelings arise, let them, FEEL them fully. drop any labels about the feeling being "sadness" or "anger" and let it completely do it's thing. thank it, and thank it again for it's clear message. be completely open to it. then continue to investigate and falsify the assumption that there is a center that all of this 'seems' or 'feels' to happen to.

thank you :)

it's important that we do not make this in to a therapy or a self-improvement session, yet if you feel there is a feeling or experience that comes up that is essential, we can address it here, YET, the most important thing here Paulina, is waking up from illusion. The illusion is that there is someone or some-thing that is in pain. There is no such thing. Again... who cares what I say... investigate the feeling. Is it arising to anyone, if so, where is she? Once the illusion of separation is seen through, the stickiness of anything that arises including pain or anger or sadness or bird poop will not have any power, because there is noone to have power over, and nothing to stick to.... just an experience, just Experience.

Thank you, there are no words to describe what is experienced right now.

Seekers often use such terms as if there is some inherent reality in such things. You can investigate these things directly now.

what is at a 'primal level' ? is it in your experience? or is it a thought-abstraction?

It was just a thought, not realized it was imaginary in the imaginary world.

what is a 'higher self'? is it there, now?
what is a "me"? is it there, now?
where is this "Paulina" that is struggling? is it there, now?
or are these just labels we place on Experience?

investigate this separation. LOOK RIGHT AT IT, and FIND IT, and INVESTIGATE IT.
is it perhaps some sensations that are 'uncomfortable'?

There is nothing here!! It popped!
Thank you very very much.

[cosmiK]

Paulina,

Very clear.

Since I am really annoying, I have a few clarification questions first:

It felt like my body was the boundary between "I" and "them". As Experience appeared, and I stopped identifying myself with sensations within body, the boundaries began to "fall out", the illusion of them revealed themselves. Something incredible happened, presence realized itself.

Is there anyone that identifies and stops identifying?

It is possible. And a question arised: is a sense of being real? Does it exist? What is real?

there is just 'this'
there may be an appearance of a 'Paulina', of 'others' that arise in 'this',
yet there are no such things.
there may be questions, thoughts, emotions, computer screens, sounds, ideas, cars, newspapers, planets, shoes, space aliens, basketballs, bananas, barack obama, mcdonalds, tv shows, science and a host of other appearances that arise in 'this',
yet there are no such things.
these appearances arise in and of 'this'
there is NEVER a 'You' that is separate from 'this'
just the appearance of what could be labelled as such,
there is only 'this',
this Experience,
this Expression,
this Appearance,
this Life,
only
this.

is this clear?

We have post-gate/post-Awakening groups on Facebook where you can discuss a whole host of other cool stuff later, but my main aim, as always, is to help you cross the 'gate', to see through the illusion of separation/self.

--

are there anymore doubts about seeing no-self, about separation?
is there anything else you would like to investigate in relation to this?

Let me know and we can then proceed to the final confirmation, followed by review from other guides.

with Love.

[DancingPanther]

Dear CosmiK,

Is there anyone that identifies and stops identifying?

good point :) there is nothing, nor the identifier nor identifying, just perception

there is just 'this'
there may be an appearance of a 'Paulina', of 'others' that arise in 'this',
yet there are no such things.
there may be questions, thoughts, emotions, computer screens, sounds, ideas, cars, newspapers, planets, shoes, space aliens, basketballs, bananas, barack obama, mcdonalds, tv shows, science and a host of other appearances that arise in 'this',
yet there are no such things.
these appearances arise in and of 'this'
there is NEVER a 'You' that is separate from 'this'
just the appearance of what could be labelled as such,
there is only 'this',
this Experience,
this Expression,
this Appearance,
this Life,
only
this.

is this clear?

very clear, thank you

are there anymore doubts about seeing no-self, about separation?
is there anything else you would like to investigate in relation to this?

CosmiK, it was huge realisation, but doubts still arise. The difference is that truth is more "visible/substantial" now. It means the dualism is still in, right?

Love

[cosmiK]

Hey Pualina,

CosmiK, it was huge realisation, but doubts still arise. The difference is that truth is more "visible/substantial" now. It means the dualism is still in, right?

doubts are thoughts, and they are free to arise,
anything can arise, as it is free to arise,
is there anyone or anything that they arise TO ?
do doubts need to stop arising ?
is there ever anyone that doubts ?

when all labels such as "truth" and "dualism" are dropped, is there any separation?
when all conceptions are dropped, is there a "You" in any form?

here is a quick exercise:

close eyes. watch thoughts come and go.
- are you the thinker of thoughts?
- can you think & choose a thought?
- can you stop thoughts that have arise?
- can you choose to not think doubtful thoughts?

let's clarify these

with Love.