The Gate

Hi.

I'm here and I'm burning.

I have been a very intellectual person since I have memories. Now I'm thirty and in the last years I've been realising very clearly that my sense of self was relying only in conceptual structures many of which I don't believe in anymore. I realised also that I grew up spending a lot of energy in mantaining my emotions repressed. When I realised that I took a sabbatical to dedicate my full attention to what was going on, because the work I had stopped to make any sense.

So in the last months something has stepped up. Now I'm feeling a LOT of things as if my personhood is being ripped out by a tsunami that originates in a hole inside that has finally cracked open. The first months it was bearable, but now I'm receiving a lot and I can't process it with my mind and this is very intense. I feel overwhelmed and in the verge of something fundamental.

I don't know who or how I am anymore. It's like seen every point of view at the same time and not being convinced by anyone. I don't know where is the ground where I can stand, or how I should do things or talk to people anymore, or what is a good idea or a bad idea. I don't actively maintain my old structures, but still can feel this huge inertia, I feel the body has a lot of phisical memories and resistances I sometimes see dissolving in tremors, cries and laughs. Sometimes all at once without any justification. The inner landscape seem to change many times a day like a roulette that spins. I feel many subtle but ruthless energies through my body and I'm not sure if I'm scared or resisting what, or if I should do anything or just be comfortable and enjoy the show.

Hi burning friends. What will you say to me?

Hi,

Hi.

I'm here and I'm burning.

I have been a very intellectual person since I have memories. Now I'm thirty and in the last years I've been realising very clearly that my sense of self was relying only in conceptual structures many of which I don't believe in anymore. I realised also that I grew up spending a lot of energy in mantaining my emotions repressed. When I realised that I took a sabbatical to dedicate my full attention to what was going on, because the work I had stopped to make any sense.

So in the last months something has stepped up. Now I'm feeling a LOT of things as if my personhood is being ripped out by a tsunami that originates in a hole inside that has finally cracked open. The first months it was bearable, but now I'm receiving a lot and I can't process it with my mind and this is very intense. I feel overwhelmed and in the verge of something fundamental.

I don't know who or how I am anymore. It's like seen every point of view at the same time and not being convinced by anyone. I don't know where is the ground where I can stand, or how I should do things or talk to people anymore, or what is a good idea or a bad idea. I don't actively maintain my old structures, but still can feel this huge inertia, I feel the body has a lot of phisical memories and resistances I sometimes see dissolving in tremors, cries and laughs. Sometimes all at once without any justification. The inner landscape seem to change many times a day like a roulette that spins. I feel many subtle but ruthless energies through my body and I'm not sure if I'm scared or resisting what, or if I should do anything or just be comfortable and enjoy the show.

Hi burning friends. What will you say to me?

Good to meet you and thank you for sharing your story thus far.

This is John from the UK. Before we begin, in case you've not yet checked it out, there is some nice intro info here, our disclaimer and a cool short video:

http://www.liberationunleashed.com/

If you could confirm you have seen all the above and would like me to be your guide - then we'll shall begin.

Also, is there a first name we could use as a reference? :)

With best wishes,
John

Hi John, this is Joseph from Spain. Nice to meet you.

I've watched the video and read the intro with disclaimer included. I accept it completely. I'm ready.

I'm willing to post at least once a day until I see reality as it is. I don't crave for anything except truth.

Oh yes, and I'm liking you as my guide already. I don't know why but that's how I'm feeling.

Hi Joseph,

Ok, let's begin our inquiry. Perhaps we could begin with what you shared and see where it leads us.

I have been a very intellectual person since I have memories. Now I'm thirty and in the last years I've been realising very clearly that my sense of self was relying only in conceptual structures many of which I don't believe in anymore. I realised also that I grew up spending a lot of energy in mantaining my emotions repressed. When I realised that I took a sabbatical to dedicate my full attention to what was going on, because the work I had stopped to make any sense.

Cool.

So in the last months something has stepped up. Now I'm feeling a LOT of things as if my personhood is being ripped out by a tsunami that originates in a hole inside that has finally cracked open. The first months it was bearable, but now I'm receiving a lot and I can't process it with my mind and this is very intense. I feel overwhelmed and in the verge of something fundamental.

How is it now?

When in the unknown, there's some useful strategies:

1. Act as if everything is normal. :)
2. Notice the small details in life.
3. Remember to breath, nice and natural and regular

Don't know why they work, but they do.

I don't know who or how I am anymore.

It's ok. I'm unknown too - I wasn't happy about it either! :)

It's like seen every point of view at the same time and not being convinced by anyone. I don't know where is the ground where I can stand, or how I should do things or talk to people anymore, or what is a good idea or a bad idea.

Just rest in life - it's all around and within, no separation. Place your trust in the basic goodness of a raindrop, the strength of a breeze, the taste of coffee - of life.

Have no concern for being this way or that. It's just an energy drain keeping up appearances. Chill my friend. :)

I don't actively maintain my old structures, but still can feel this huge inertia, I feel the body has a lot of phisical memories and resistances I sometimes see dissolving in tremors, cries and laughs. Sometimes all at once without any justification. The inner landscape seem to change many times a day like a roulette that spins. I feel many subtle but ruthless energies through my body and I'm not sure if I'm scared or resisting what, or if I should do anything or just be comfortable and enjoy the show.

It's probably fear and the reaction to the fear - do nothing in particular. When the fear is strong, either find a safe and comfortable place, breath deep and regular, and let the fear wash through you. If it's really strong, walk and breathe till it abates. There's no need to fight or push fear away. It's a guardian of the unknown - and you're learning a huge amount in a short space of apparent time.

So be kind and gentle with yourself.

Joseph, be cool and calm and act like every is normal. Not acting like pretending, it's acting and you know you're acting - for a purpose.

So read over what's been shared, let things settle and come back with what has come up.

With kind wishes and support,
John

Hi John,

How is it now?

When in the unknown, there's some useful strategies:

1. Act as if everything is normal. :)
2. Notice the small details in life.
3. Remember to breath, nice and natural and regular

Don't know why they work, but they do.

Now I'm feeling a very familiar background of anxiety, but I'm also relaxed. It's like a calmed resignation. And a disposition to be here.

Just rest in life - it's all around and within, no separation. Place your trust in the basic goodness of a raindrop, the strength of a breeze, the taste of coffee - of life.

Have no concern for being this way or that. It's just an energy drain keeping up appearances. Chill my friend. :)

I'm drinking those words. :)

It's probably fear and the reaction to the fear - do nothing in particular. When the fear is strong, either find a safe and comfortable place, breath deep and regular, and let the fear wash through you. If it's really strong, walk and breathe till it abates. There's no need to fight or push fear away. It's a guardian of the unknown - and you're learning a huge amount in a short space of apparent time.

I can see the fear. A guardian of the unknown, I like that. Yes, it feels that way. And yes, I feel I'm learning a lot in a short time, but it also comes with a sense of being the stupidest person alive. Maybe that's another fear that holds me together.

Sometimes I do what you say. I sit and breath, put my attention in small things and feel my body, my heart beating, etc, until it all feels very harmless. Now I realize that what I described before may sound like if I were in the floor screaming all day but that is not it. 90% goes in the inside and it feels like millions of tiny ants of restlessness crawling my body, and I was starring in the role of the anthill that has to keep appearances. I always tend to act normal to avoid receiving much attention from others. That's another big fear right there.

But you see, for me "normal" are the feelings of inadequacy, of being out of place, of feeling judged and to doubt things, to act small... As I'm telling you all of this smells old big time, like I really don't worry about that. I mean I don't usually entertain my mind with those things. But in practice all of that comes up as real in the body when I'm with people and I end up repeating the habits I hate. And I feel ashamed after because I know I'm not like that. It's just the fear. When I'm alone (or most of the time with my girlfriend), I feel just natural, perceptive, confident, sensible and open, and don't feel any need to hide anything. It's like the invisible man who only has the power to be invisible when no one is looking. :)

For example, a week ago my girlfriend asked me to come to her friend's birthday party. I knew no one there. I said "yes, sure" because in that moment I felt confident. But when the day came, I felt sick with nerves. I told her that I had changed my mind, I didn't feel like I could go. I had changed my mind many times in the last hour, and I said to her I probably keep doing so until it's time to leave. I like humor, specially on difficult times. So, since the earth didn't swallow me I ended up saying yes, and going to the party. And I'm glad I did, although I was tight and tense, and felt inadequate for a few hours.

But a couple of moments I enjoyed very much. Two conversations with two different guys, we talked about life, purpose, points of view, confidence, experiences. I felt twinned for a while and everything else disappeared. I felt we were just going with the flow and communicating joyfully and all was happening by itself, until I noticed that I was coming back to my familiar sense of insecure self and stayed there for the rest of the night. The feeling of inadequacy.

I feel like I have many possibilities inside, but tend to act like if I'm obligated to be coherent with what has been my story so far. So I put my Joseph dress on and relate from there... This sounds awful.

So be kind and gentle with yourself.

Joseph, be cool and calm and act like every is normal. Not acting like pretending, it's acting and you know you're acting - for a purpose.

I think I get what you say. I'm going to focus my attention on that.

Hi Joseph,

Hi John,

Just rest in life - it's all around and within, no separation. Place your trust in the basic goodness of a raindrop, the strength of a breeze, the taste of coffee - of life.

Have no concern for being this way or that. It's just an energy drain keeping up appearances. Chill my friend. :)

I'm drinking those words. :)

:) Especially the coffee.

It's probably fear and the reaction to the fear - do nothing in particular. When the fear is strong, either find a safe and comfortable place, breath deep and regular, and let the fear wash through you. If it's really strong, walk and breathe till it abates. There's no need to fight or push fear away. It's a guardian of the unknown - and you're learning a huge amount in a short space of apparent time.

I can see the fear. A guardian of the unknown, I like that. Yes, it feels that way. And yes, I feel I'm learning a lot in a short time, but it also comes with a sense of being the stupidest person alive. Maybe that's another fear that holds me together.

Anything that judges in this way is "Joseph" - a fiction, complete ficton.

Sometimes I do what you say. I sit and breath, put my attention in small things and feel my body, my heart beating, etc, until it all feels very harmless. Now I realize that what I described before may sound like if I were in the floor screaming all day but that is not it. 90% goes in the inside and it feels like millions of tiny ants of restlessness crawling my body, and I was starring in the role of the anthill that has to keep appearances. I always tend to act normal to avoid receiving much attention from others. That's another big fear right there.

Only "Joseph" is concerned. And to the extent you believe you are "Joseph", it will apply to you.

But you see, for me "normal" are the feelings of inadequacy, of being out of place, of feeling judged and to doubt things, to act small... As I'm telling you all of this smells old big time, like I really don't worry about that. I mean I don't usually entertain my mind with those things. But in practice all of that comes up as real in the body when I'm with people and I end up repeating the habits I hate. And I feel ashamed after because I know I'm not like that. It's just the fear. When I'm alone (or most of the time with my girlfriend), I feel just natural, perceptive, confident, sensible and open, and don't feel any need to hide anything. It's like the invisible man who only has the power to be invisible when no one is looking. :)

When we are with others, the social-conditioning comes to the fore, that's all.

For example, a week ago my girlfriend asked me to come to her friend's birthday party. I knew no one there. I said "yes, sure" because in that moment I felt confident. But when the day came, I felt sick with nerves. I told her that I had changed my mind, I didn't feel like I could go. I had changed my mind many times in the last hour, and I said to her I probably keep doing so until it's time to leave. I like humor, specially on difficult times. So, since the earth didn't swallow me I ended up saying yes, and going to the party. And I'm glad I did, although I was tight and tense, and felt inadequate for a few hours.

:)

But a couple of moments I enjoyed very much. Two conversations with two different guys, we talked about life, purpose, points of view, confidence, experiences. I felt twinned for a while and everything else disappeared. I felt we were just going with the flow and communicating joyfully and all was happening by itself, until I noticed that I was coming back to my familiar sense of insecure self and stayed there for the rest of the night. The feeling of inadequacy.

Ok.

I feel like I have many possibilities inside, but tend to act like if I'm obligated to be coherent with what has been my story so far. So I put my Joseph dress on and relate from there... This sounds awful.

Only "Joseph" feels obligated. Sounds like what it is. :)

So be kind and gentle with yourself.

Joseph, be cool and calm and act like every is normal. Not acting like pretending, it's acting and you know you're acting - for a purpose.

I think I get what you say. I'm going to focus my attention on that.

Fine Joseph. Now, let's start looking.

To begin with you mentioned, "I don't know who or how I am anymore."

Can you share what you know of the separate self - the so-called inner-Joseph that apparently runs things?

With best wishes,
John

Now, let's start looking.

To begin with you mentioned, "I don't know who or how I am anymore."

Can you share what you know of the separate self - the so-called inner-Joseph that apparently runs things?

If I understood your question correctly that one can't be anything else than memories and patterns of thought, habits of comparing and valuing risks based on limited experiences. I've spoken about that one too much already I think. I call him the aerial controller. It's like the gate keeper that controls the alarm system in my body and likes to tell stories about why things are as they are.

And even though that's how I see it, something tells me that I'm bringing all that into existence by imagination somehow.

That's what I referred to before. I don't know from where I'm speaking anymore. There are so many layers. If I think I have a problem but I realise the problem doesn't really exist what's going on? Who is speaking? And who is to decide which one must speak?

In anycase I couldn't write much more now because I'm in the cellphone. My computer broke several hours ago, but I will find a solution. I have an old laptop I can use but I have to prepare it tomorrow.

I'm excited. Let's do this.

Hi Joseph,

If I understood your question correctly that one can't be anything else than memories and patterns of thought, habits of comparing and valuing risks based on limited experiences. I've spoken about that one too much already I think. I call him the aerial controller. It's like the gate keeper that controls the alarm system in my body and likes to tell stories about why things are as they are.

Sure, but it's nothing special. Just a fiction, created to help us navigate in the world.

In a nutshell...

Life is seen as a problem because the "self" sees itself as a problem to be solved/fixed. This separate "self" didn't come into being till 2/3 years old, after which lots of folk in authority told this little fella that this, that and the other was wrong, that he should be more like this and less of that, and he tried, boy he tried, to please everyone. He even made a "Joseph" to be what everyone wanted, hoping that would make it all alright.

Then "Joseph" got stuck, cos' the little fella started to believe he was "Joseph" and everyone around him acted as if it was the case. Such is social-conditioning.

And even though that's how I see it, something tells me that I'm bringing all that into existence by imagination somehow.

Yes, it's a creation of the imagination. Had it's uses early on, but it's the belief that this fiction is who you are - that's what we're working with here. To focus, laser-like on that belief and to see that evaporate.

Once it does, you are left with nothing and everything - or LIFE, as it's known. :)

That's what I referred to before. I don't know from where I'm speaking anymore. There are so many layers. If I think I have a problem but I realise the problem doesn't really exist what's going on? Who is speaking? And who is to decide which one must speak?

Speech comes from "no-where", comes from life, there is no "inner Joseph". There is a human being that people call Joseph and there is a natural intelligence to this human being that dances with life because there is no separation.

In anycase I couldn't write much more now because I'm in the cellphone. My computer broke several hours ago, but I will find a solution. I have an old laptop I can use but I have to prepare it tomorrow.

Fine. :)

I'm excited. Let's do this.

Me too.

Speak soon,
John

Hi John, You are giving me all the answers!!

Hahaha, doesn't matter. I already have a mind full of "the right answers". But I need to see it by myself.

In a nutshell...

Life is seen as a problem because the "self" sees itself as a problem to be solved/fixed. This separate "self" didn't come into being till 2/3 years old, after which lots of folk in authority told this little fella that this, that and the other was wrong, that he should be more like this and less of that, and he tried, boy he tried, to please everyone. He even made a "Joseph" to be what everyone wanted, hoping that would make it all alright.

Then "Joseph" got stuck, cos' the little fella started to believe he was "Joseph" and everyone around him acted as if it was the case. Such is social-conditioning.

ok...

Where do you have the camera? :P

That could be perfectly my story. Man, I want to tell you I recently acted out the resentment for realizing I've been acting like such a pussy with my family giving them all the power. Two weeks ago I was screaming at my father, for the first time in my life, (I remember being scared all the time and he screamed a lot, it was tense all the time), and I decided not to repress the voice of the wounded child that time. I said it was my turn now since he had many :P. I didn't lived through that experience during my teens like seems the norm nowadays. Too much fear then. Saying things out loud like a monkey felt like a burden was lifted, a fear left me, and an acting had stopped. But I know doing that kind of things is not an answer either. This is not about about changing the past, or making other uncomfortable, as much as letting go this MEEE. But what to do with all this boiling emotion? Mmmm... Not repress it, but also don't don't acting it out? Fortunately last week I signed up for an acting group, that will make experiencing much easier. That's something I wanted to do for a long time and now I realize there's a practicality about this that I can't deny. And all this emotion keeps coming and I want to play with it...

Yes, it's a creation of the imagination. Had it's uses early on, but it's the belief that this fiction is who you are - that's what we're working with here. To focus, laser-like on that belief and to see that evaporate.

Once it does, you are left with nothing and everything - or LIFE, as it's known. :)

Yes, please. Let's focus the laser. How do I do this....? Mmmmmmm...

Speech comes from "no-where", comes from life, there is no "inner Joseph". There is a human being that people call Joseph and there is a natural intelligence to this human being that dances with life because there is no separation.

I agree, yes, but how...? What... is it? I mean.. WTF? I can't wrap my head around this. I don't ... locate the problem. Aaargh, and this totally feels like a problem! It's like... if there never has been a problem, like an easiness in everything suddenly, that oh man, and I seem to be find me in the middle of every move, just as a resistance and a habit. How to not be a resistance? Or what is the point of ... Arrrrgh hahaha I don't even... can't... focus. Arrrgh

Please bring all the fire you have! Help me focus this laser! I can feel the being enjoying this already.

Hi Joseph,

Lots on today, so have a few seconds to share something with you.

Check out resistance. When you resist, you push against. Is there anything really to be resisted, pushed against, anything real. Can you find anything that is not a thought which is being resisted?

Will catch up later,
John

p.s. apologies for all the answers LOL :) - just wanted to lay out some basis for exploring.

Thanks John,

sure! today I'll check out the resistance. I'll focus on if I'm resisting something real or just a thought. It's the perfect day because this afternoon I go with the acting group, and the social conditioning is expected to arise. I can't wait :D I'll tell you later

Well, that was interesting.

Hi John, today was a beautiful day. The sun shined, the birds singed... kind of day. I enjoyed even the bus trip with the loud radio I normally can't stand and the subway trip full of strangers too. And my conditioning didn't arise to the degree I'm used to, even surrounded by people. I found everything easy enough.

I was very excited and willing to analyze my resistances, but I found out I wasn't resisting much. And when I noticed resistance, it was to emotions. Like for example I found difficult to look in the eyes when I was speaking in front of several people, because of the hot inside, or the heart beating more louder. But funnily enough without so much fear associated. It was very mechanic, like a muscle memory that I could watch and forget in 5 seconds. I find myself wanting to be put in a similar situation again to see what happens.

Mmmm... So this is bittersweet, and funny. I'm still confused whether something has changed at all. I felt very free during the day to be as I wanted to be, and even smile without noticing any tension or fear of being judged, that is a new. But I don't think I'm done yet. I have the laser prepared for when the resistances come.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow, or when a "bad" day comes.

So... Now what?

Oh Joseph, :)

Well, that was interesting.

Hi John, today was a beautiful day. The sun shined, the birds singed... kind of day. I enjoyed even the bus trip with the loud radio I normally can't stand and the subway trip full of strangers too. And my conditioning didn't arise to the degree I'm used to, even surrounded by people. I found everything easy enough.

I was very excited and willing to analyze my resistances, but I found out I wasn't resisting much. And when I noticed resistance, it was to emotions. Like for example I found difficult to look in the eyes when I was speaking in front of several people, because of the hot inside, or the heart beating more louder. But funnily enough without so much fear associated. It was very mechanic, like a muscle memory that I could watch and forget in 5 seconds. I find myself wanting to be put in a similar situation again to see what happens.

Mmmm... So this is bittersweet, and funny. I'm still confused whether something has changed at all. I felt very free during the day to be as I wanted to be, and even smile without noticing any tension or fear of being judged, that is a new. But I don't think I'm done yet. I have the laser prepared for when the resistances come.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow, or when a "bad" day comes.

So... Now what?

How dare you change so much so quickly. This is against all Liberation Unleashed policy!!! :D

Don't worry, tomorrow it will all be back "as normal" - as if nothing ever happened. hehe :)

Confusion is good for the mind - keeps it busy while the real work is done.

Isn't it annoying to set out to watch resistance, only to find it not happening. Weird huh? Makes you wonder whether it wasn't just a contrived game after all. ;)

There has been a shift in the point of awareness Joseph and it may well stay, or wander back, doesn't matter either way. We're not looking for a pure state etc; but a simple seeing that "Joseph", the so-called separate self who apparently runs the show - er, doesn't and never has. He's just got a good agent.

Ok, let's explore the sense of self.

Right here, right now, what's your felt evidence for an inner "Joseph" running the show?

Speak soon,
John

Oh Joseph, :)
Right here, right now, what's your felt evidence for an inner "Joseph" running the show?

Mmmmm. That I can remember my past, and create a mental image of me and my story. That I can imagine myself in the future and make plans to feel more secure -or fear that I'm not prepared enough. That it is tradittionaly assumed and supported by society, family and media. All of that is more memory and unquestioned assumptions. And last but not least, that all that I experience seems to be perceived from a single point of attention: as if sight, smell, hearing, proprioception... comes to "me" through a funnel that is this body. And that's... interesting.

That "me" ... is not dependant on memory. But watches it. It is not "Joseph", doesn't have a name. That is clear. I don't know if it has any attributes. It's like a singularity, in the sense that I can't say anything about it because I'm watching from there, so the question doesn't even make sense. It's just a point of attention.

Ok so... is all "I" can ever do "watching"?? because maybe then whatever I seem to do or decide must be a kind of conditioning, and my only power then is where is my attention on, and realize where I'm not but I thought I was. Like a cleansing or something.

Wait a minute, so the brain has this biological programming, the reactions to survival, the appetites, and the emotions, the language, the stories, layers of complexity and interaction... the senses are the input of the body, and then all of that is linked to the glands and muscles, that would be the output... i can see how it's possible that the body just be going by itself... just rules of nature, like everything else, I don't decide who I really am, the sense of self arises from the biological structure, as a subtle entity made of "software". The "Me" with a story is a program, a naturally programmed mind by the culture that we are all creating at this very moment. And we are all in the same position! My real "I" or your real "I" is the same! We are all the same origin of a point of attention! It's like a mandala made of attention, and an infinite mirror ever reflecting itself, trying to see itself through all the contrasts. Oh my god, and I am that which cannot be seen. We all are! And I fool myself into identifying myself with what I watch... But I CAN see myself in everything, because in a sense it's all me. But.. but... I don't... .WTF

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LOL. I'm going to sleep now. I don't know if I have realized what I've just written. It is all a cosmic joke or something... :)