My journey to clarity
Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2025 10:17 pm
LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I understand that this means that what I take myself to be (which is currently a body and a mind with a collection of thoughts, feelings and emotions) is just a thought. I understand that what is experienced (what is seen, heard, felt, smelled, tasted and thought) is not actually experienced by anyone, but rather just simply are.
What are you looking for at LU?
I am looking for help breaking the first barrier to seeing through the sense of self clearly. I have been working on this first shift since I had an opening in 2018 at an ayahuasca retreat (the opening happened the day after a ceremony, not during the ceremony itself). I saw clearly that separation is impossible because everything is made of the same substance, and that therefore the feelings of loneliness I had been having were based on an illusion. At the time, I had no notion of non duality and therefore no way to contextualize or conceptualize this (probably a good thing). All I knew was that whatever I saw was more real and more true than the way I had previously experienced “myself” and “the world”.
What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I have worked with many different guides, have tried a bunch of different approaches, and been to endless retreats since 2020, but I have lacked consistency and focus and have jumped from practice to practice. I have found that working with guides has not been super helpful for me, partly because of the fact that I feel like I have some insight and that sometimes leads guides to guide me in more advanced ways, which end up being rather fruitless. I do feel less identified with my stories than I once did, yet I know I haven’t fully seen through them.
I am hoping to get practical guidance and exercises to do to help me see through the illusion of self. I am hoping for a real shift, and I hope a guide can help me move beyond my doubt. I need someone who can give me homework and structure and also guide me through inquiries in session. It feels like starting over, but I've gotten to the point where I realize that jumping around is not helpful, so I'm willing to begin again.
What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry? Before I considered myself a seeker (or even knew seeking was a thing), I did several Vipassana retreats (starting in 2009) - I did maybe 5 10-day retreats, plus a three-day retreat, and worked as a volunteer there as well.
In 2017, I had a nervous breakdown, and began searching for a way out of my suffering, so I tried therapy, journalling, daily meditation, family constellations, and finally went to an ayahuasca retreat, where I had that opening I mentioned above.
In 2020, I began working with a non dual guide after having attended a Rupert Spira online retreat. That guide gave me several different pointers, including "taking a thought vacation", which was actually quite powerful that first week that I tried it, and I had a few small glimpses (like noticing the body was doing things without "me" being involved at all).
I then tried some chanting, some inquiry during yoga (as per Gary Weber's suggestions in his book Happiness Beyond Thought). I started working with another guide after that, who suggested ignoring all thoughts. This was a daily practice for a while, and I had a few more glimpses similar to the ones mentioned above, until I got frustrated and felt that I wasn't really advancing with that guide.
In 2022, I discovered Angelo Dilullo. This was both wonderful and frustrating because he points to so many different "levels" at the same time or in a same retreat, that I feel I have gotten confused as to what I should be doing and how to practice or not practice. He has certainly been helpful in terms of helping me see when I am in a narrative, and I have disidentified quite a bit from my story since working with him, but I still feel like I'm not getting that initial insight that can get things really going.
I have tried the classic "who am I" and "where am I" types of inquiries. These were never fruitful or interesting to me, or they would be for a day and then quickly fizzle out. I have tried keeping attention in the senses (gone through phases of trying sound, visual sense and body sensations. I have done many, many retreats. I have tried moving toward thought, moving away from thought, looking between thoughts, etc. I've worked with psychedelics, had what I believe to be brief experiences of non duality, I have seen the visual field flatten for a moment, I have seen what I looked something like Indra's net and felt nothing was what I had previously thought it was. I have had what I think was a mystical experience once in a breath work session (even though I wasn’t the one prating, but was accompanying a partner as they breathed). It has been a few years now since I’ve had any sort of opening or experience like these. My current practice has been daily chanting, mostly because I have been wanting to connect more to the heart, and chanting was recommended to me by Lisa Cairns. Although I love singing and am enjoying the practice, my mind feels untamed these days.
Last year, I tried the Sinking in process offered by Jason Soll through the Perfectly Okay community. While I didn’t feel any shifts, per se, I did become easily able to feel a sense of peace and flow, often at will during the day, whenever I brought my attention to it. I became very able to sit in silence, and would do so sometimes for 90 minutes or more, just simply basking in the silence and stillness I felt inside. After a couple of months, things shifted and I felt like distracting a lot.
I have done every single online and in-person retreat with Angelo since discovering him in March of 2022, which means two 5-day online retreats per year, plus four week-long retreats (once per year), one 5-day retreat he did in Kentucky, and the month-long retreat in New Mexico, where Angelo was there for one week and the rest of the time we were with Kogen and Esho, two Zen monks. I am planning on attending the month-long again this winter (February). I have also attended a dyad inquiry retreat (two years ago), and am attending another one this weekend.
I’ve done Byron Katie’s approach, some Sedona method, and the list probably goes on!
There is probably more I could say, but you get the picture - I’ve tried very many things! :)
On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11
I understand that this means that what I take myself to be (which is currently a body and a mind with a collection of thoughts, feelings and emotions) is just a thought. I understand that what is experienced (what is seen, heard, felt, smelled, tasted and thought) is not actually experienced by anyone, but rather just simply are.
What are you looking for at LU?
I am looking for help breaking the first barrier to seeing through the sense of self clearly. I have been working on this first shift since I had an opening in 2018 at an ayahuasca retreat (the opening happened the day after a ceremony, not during the ceremony itself). I saw clearly that separation is impossible because everything is made of the same substance, and that therefore the feelings of loneliness I had been having were based on an illusion. At the time, I had no notion of non duality and therefore no way to contextualize or conceptualize this (probably a good thing). All I knew was that whatever I saw was more real and more true than the way I had previously experienced “myself” and “the world”.
What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I have worked with many different guides, have tried a bunch of different approaches, and been to endless retreats since 2020, but I have lacked consistency and focus and have jumped from practice to practice. I have found that working with guides has not been super helpful for me, partly because of the fact that I feel like I have some insight and that sometimes leads guides to guide me in more advanced ways, which end up being rather fruitless. I do feel less identified with my stories than I once did, yet I know I haven’t fully seen through them.
I am hoping to get practical guidance and exercises to do to help me see through the illusion of self. I am hoping for a real shift, and I hope a guide can help me move beyond my doubt. I need someone who can give me homework and structure and also guide me through inquiries in session. It feels like starting over, but I've gotten to the point where I realize that jumping around is not helpful, so I'm willing to begin again.
What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry? Before I considered myself a seeker (or even knew seeking was a thing), I did several Vipassana retreats (starting in 2009) - I did maybe 5 10-day retreats, plus a three-day retreat, and worked as a volunteer there as well.
In 2017, I had a nervous breakdown, and began searching for a way out of my suffering, so I tried therapy, journalling, daily meditation, family constellations, and finally went to an ayahuasca retreat, where I had that opening I mentioned above.
In 2020, I began working with a non dual guide after having attended a Rupert Spira online retreat. That guide gave me several different pointers, including "taking a thought vacation", which was actually quite powerful that first week that I tried it, and I had a few small glimpses (like noticing the body was doing things without "me" being involved at all).
I then tried some chanting, some inquiry during yoga (as per Gary Weber's suggestions in his book Happiness Beyond Thought). I started working with another guide after that, who suggested ignoring all thoughts. This was a daily practice for a while, and I had a few more glimpses similar to the ones mentioned above, until I got frustrated and felt that I wasn't really advancing with that guide.
In 2022, I discovered Angelo Dilullo. This was both wonderful and frustrating because he points to so many different "levels" at the same time or in a same retreat, that I feel I have gotten confused as to what I should be doing and how to practice or not practice. He has certainly been helpful in terms of helping me see when I am in a narrative, and I have disidentified quite a bit from my story since working with him, but I still feel like I'm not getting that initial insight that can get things really going.
I have tried the classic "who am I" and "where am I" types of inquiries. These were never fruitful or interesting to me, or they would be for a day and then quickly fizzle out. I have tried keeping attention in the senses (gone through phases of trying sound, visual sense and body sensations. I have done many, many retreats. I have tried moving toward thought, moving away from thought, looking between thoughts, etc. I've worked with psychedelics, had what I believe to be brief experiences of non duality, I have seen the visual field flatten for a moment, I have seen what I looked something like Indra's net and felt nothing was what I had previously thought it was. I have had what I think was a mystical experience once in a breath work session (even though I wasn’t the one prating, but was accompanying a partner as they breathed). It has been a few years now since I’ve had any sort of opening or experience like these. My current practice has been daily chanting, mostly because I have been wanting to connect more to the heart, and chanting was recommended to me by Lisa Cairns. Although I love singing and am enjoying the practice, my mind feels untamed these days.
Last year, I tried the Sinking in process offered by Jason Soll through the Perfectly Okay community. While I didn’t feel any shifts, per se, I did become easily able to feel a sense of peace and flow, often at will during the day, whenever I brought my attention to it. I became very able to sit in silence, and would do so sometimes for 90 minutes or more, just simply basking in the silence and stillness I felt inside. After a couple of months, things shifted and I felt like distracting a lot.
I have done every single online and in-person retreat with Angelo since discovering him in March of 2022, which means two 5-day online retreats per year, plus four week-long retreats (once per year), one 5-day retreat he did in Kentucky, and the month-long retreat in New Mexico, where Angelo was there for one week and the rest of the time we were with Kogen and Esho, two Zen monks. I am planning on attending the month-long again this winter (February). I have also attended a dyad inquiry retreat (two years ago), and am attending another one this weekend.
I’ve done Byron Katie’s approach, some Sedona method, and the list probably goes on!
There is probably more I could say, but you get the picture - I’ve tried very many things! :)
On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11
