The Gate

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Without intellectualising I have no sincere answer really. I can hold a lecture of the things I heard, but doubt it matters. I frequently start sentence with the word I and in that moment I mean it.
When looking I can't find the me or I find only thoughts.
No conclusion about this has set in here.

What are you looking for at LU?
I'm stepping over something, I'm overlooking something, and I'm increasingly annoyed and irritated by that.
The lecture I trust says that's it's the "me" I'm assuming to exist.
I feel instinctually driven, and I haven't figured out why.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I have no idea, but I trust. I have experienced that those in the know seem to touch upon something different than the mind and it shakes you up really good. I really don't enjoy the shaking up, but this is to happen.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Two years ago this spiritual stuff started, followed by boatloads of Tolle and Adyashanti. Lots of thinking about not thinking.
Ive met a liberated one holding a seminar (Dirk Hessel) and he had profound impact on my emotional growth. (I told him I couldn't cry and after one sentence I do regularly; he said he considered sending me away). He also noted may profit from not going through this on my own, when I talked about fear coming up.

Fear came up when registering.

I've had a session with a teacher named Eshwar some weeks ago and he was really great. I can't really tell you why I'm here now, but I felt like this forum came to me as an answer to a question I held for a good while. Its sincere to say I'm searching for a somewhat sustained guidance and I'm embarrassed (but insincere in not saying this) to admit a part of it is that I feel like I can't really pay for repeated sessions with a paid teacher.

I feel prompted to talk about my emotional stability. I feel like honesty bears that I say that I do face some challenges around stress and fatigue that others seem to have less of. I come from a past of trauma along with some years in therapy. Real Self hatred can still come up here every couple of months, even though these days it's not consuming, it's just also there and rare. I have an absurdly supporting circle of loved ones around me, and have learned to actively stabilise myself. I feel like I'm well enough equipped for destabilisation.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

During meditation a feeling of dread, grief and death came up. Sinking into it like sinking into hot bath water worked. Visualizing helped. It felt like relief. Crying came up a little later recalling it into the senses.
It was as if I was being embraced and knowingly told that it's okay I tried, failed, and died (without amounting to anything I tried?)

Directly Afterward had introductory course to Qi Gong. Felt like the intensity of energy would kill me.
Somehow Grief came up, and I cried, grieving a loved and dear dog, that I only see very rarely.

feel free to ignore the previous post; after reading through some others, I noticed that I seem to have misunderstood the format at first :)

I wonder what to do with reoccurring thoughts like "I don't know what to do?"

Pondering the question: "am I in control of thought"

It becomes increasingly clear I am not. But it feels like I forget that occasionally. Not sure what to do with that thought.
Continue investigating.

Hello dear,

Thanks for your patience in waiting for a guide. I’m happy to be present with you here.

To begin, could you tell me more about:

What will be different when you see clearly that there is no separate self?
What do you want not to happen or are afraid will happen?
What are you looking forward to?

Also, are you willing to set down the other teachings and teachers for a bit while we dive in here?

In gratitude ,
Becca

Hello Becca :)
Seeing your response now I'm close to being speechless. Thank you for your kindness and guidance
You can call me Nils.

What will be different when you see clearly that there is no separate self?

I don't think anything will really change.
At the same time I have a feeling and hope that I don't have to find solutions to "save" me so much from stress and uncomfortableness.
I think I'm keeping a mental tap about "how well I'm doing" open all the time. Like it's a problem to manage, and it doesn't make any sense.
I feel like this mental managing might lessen.


>

What do you want not to happen or are afraid will happen?

I don't want to feel superior than others and I feel like I'm above the world I love. I'm a bit afraid of that, my mind seemingly enjoys these avenues a lot.
I have quite a bit of respect of the emotional work that follows, but everything that came before was a gift and I have faith whatever comes will be good to process.

What are you looking forward to?

I think just a sense of arriving. Not seeking anymore.

>

Also, are you willing to set down the other teachings and teachers for a bit while we dive in here?

Yes. I feel great relief in not having to consume so much material all the time. This comes as a gift as well.


Best
Nils

More came to me about the questiom "What are you looking forward to / what do you think will change"

Seeking itself and not seeing it causes immense frustration and it's increasing since a good while.
Well, I think it's what causes this frustration.
I think that will cease as well.

Hi Nils,

I don't think anything will really change.

Very good, because everything will be the same. :)
(It is hard not to have some expectations with all the material that is out there…)

I don't want to feel superior than others

Who is the one who “doesn’t want to feel superior”? Where does the fear that comes up around that thought land in the body?

Without referring to thought, right now, where is the self?
Not the story of Nils or the feeling of being Nils…
Where’s the actual “you”?
Look carefully. Not quickly. What do you find?

Good Morning Becca :)

Where does the fear that comes up around that thought land in the body?

It's landing around the heart, left side of the chest.

Where’s the actual “you”?
Look carefully. Not quickly. What do you find?

I will take some more time with this. So far all I found was the thought of my body, feelings, warmth, and space, no me.

I will look further now!

It's like I'm assuming there is someone.
Like there's always something behind me, that I can't see.

Some moments there's almost only space. And without thought, there's not really someone in that space.

How do you know it is there?
Even space, how is that known?

How do you know it is there?
Even space, how is that known?

So far it was incredibly hard to answer this. Just a big Questionmark.

Things sort of just are there. I hear my college, and it sounds weird, but there's no need for someone listening for the sound to be heard here. It's heard, noones hearing. Hm. So it sort of makes itself known by itself?

I will continue to work on this, just that I had a meeting coming up at work and will need to lay down active work on this, but still wanted to answer.

Is it okay for you to receive answers in many small posts?

Thank you so much :)

Yes that is fine. Respond not with what you think but what you SEE once you sit and look.

Here is an example to illustrate the difference:
If I ask you what color socks you are wearing right now you have two ways to come up with an answer:
• You can have a think about it, you can think back to this morning and try to remember putting your socks on, and you can probably tell me what color you think they are.
• Alternatively, you can take a quick look at your socks and tell me what color they actually are!
Hopefully you would agree that you can only be 100% certain by looking.

For the purpose of our dialogue together, it is going to be very important that you are clear about this difference. Knowing is about knowledge which is all in the mind and we are not interested in that. We are only interested in looking at and seeing what is actually going on in your present moment to moment experience. We are only interested in your direct experience in the moment.

Good morning:)

Yes that is fine. Respond not with what you think but what you SEE once you sit and look.

It may be a naiv question, but that even means not recalling memories of inquiries, right?

How do you know it is there?
Even space, how is that known?

It seems impossible, that I could know about sounds, my body, my thoughts even.


With respect to thoughts the question somewhat altered itself to "how do I know this is addressed to me?" and that feels like relief itself.

I noticed I doubt myself a lot and have a hard time trusting my answers.

I'm off to work, but I'll check the forum occasionally and use every spare minute to continue looking :)