The Gate

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Hi, I feel that I have a conceptual acceptance that the self may not be real. But I am also quite attached to this self. It has been my friend, my protector, it has got me this far. It seems unfair, even cruel to deny its existence, let alone kill it, as some traditions suggest. There is resistance, and yet I (yes, even I) desire awakening.

What are you looking for at LU?
I recognise that many of the thoughts that seem to spin in my head are quite circular in nature, especially when I begin to conduct self inquiry. I can be quite hard on myself, and ego is crafty with its self preservation techniques.
I have been fiercely independent in my life, but starting to realise that it is okay to ask for help. I feel that a guide may be able to assist me to navigate through these thinking patterns.
There are not many people in my daily life that I can discuss this subject with. I feel full of questions. I would like to have someone to discuss these with, and hopefully someone who can help me see deeper, where I currently feel stuck.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I would hope that a guide will have insight into the kind of resistances that are coming up with me, and understanding to help me proceed through them.
I expect to be challenged. I am open to this, and only ask that this be done with compassion.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I grew up in quite a religious tradition, as both of my parents were ministers in the church.
I studied philosophy and logic at university, and began questioning some of the assumptions that the church is based on. I also studied theology, and began to learn some truths, not often preached from the pulpit, about how scriptures were written and canonised. More questions ensued.
While my parents were quite open minded about this, the church generally did not seem to like my questions. And I certainly didn’t appreciate some of the answers I was being given.
In my mid twenties I felt I needed to make a break from the church, which was quite a painful process.
I have explored many interesting systems, some weird and wonderful, including magic and manifestation, also a sometimes painful process, perhaps in an attempt to feel in control, but I don’t think I have ever actually felt that I am in control.
Sometimes, even now I struggle with an idea that life is a kind of cruel joke by a malevolent god.
But it is a complex relationship and I often enjoy calling myself a “devout agnostic” by which I mean, I am dedicated to continue questioning, and to the journey, not necessarily the destination.
I have been exploring non-duality most of my life, including early envisioning of god, I also enjoy Taoism, Yoga, and Vedanta. I am only just beginning to explore Buddhism, and have enrolled in the 1st Fetter course through The Awakening Curriculum, which has led me here.
It has been a long and winding road.
I am still seeking, still inquiring

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

Hello Shane, and welcome.

I resonated with many aspects of what you have shared here and would be happy to be present with you in this inquiry.

Firstly, what do you expect will be different when in recognition of what is being searched for here?

In gratitude,
Becca

Hi Becca,
Thanks for your response.
I am excited to be entering in to this process.
And greatly appreciate your guidance.

what do you expect will be different when in recognition of what is being searched for here?

I have to admit that I am not quite sure what will be different, especially after reading the “Liberation Unleashed is not…” page. I admit I have sought many of these things. Including escape, knowledge magic and more. I have tried so many things, and yet I am still seeking. Perhaps I’m just hoping that this time it will be different.

For most of my life I have struggled with a feeling that there is something that I am missing, something that doesn’t make sense to me.

The main thing I want is to see is the truth.
What is the true nature of the world. And who am I really?

I recognise that the quest I have been on throughout my life has been one of personal and/or spiritual development in an attempt to fix something that is wrong with me. This kind of seeking has led to a lot of mental and emotional anguish.

I am hoping that seeing the truth will help me to stop doing that to myself.

I am ready and happy to have any of these expectations challenged. Even now I can see there are some that need challenging, but it has been hard trying to do that myself.

I appreciate that you are here.

With thanks,
Shane

Great Shane.

I’m glad you read the What LU is NOT page. It will make perfect sense in retrospect. :)

The marker we will use and the expectation which is reliable for this process is that seeking will fall away. Nothing is and ever has been missing, what we are after (as you have read) is a shift in perception. Nothing really changes but everything is different.

The seeking energy brings us here now, to look, and for that there is much gratitude.

Here at LU we assist in the exploration of the idea of a separate self. This is actually not a debate or even a philosophy — it is a guiding based on experience that brings a shift in perception. We point directly to what is through simple exercises, questions, and dialogue.

What is expected from you is to LOOK carefully into what is being pointed at. It is this simple LOOKING (not thinking, not imagining, not remembering) that brings a shift in perception. We call this Direct Experience (DE): looking into what the senses report here and now, stripped of thought-story.

So for this process to work, your answers need to be 100% honest, not relying on thought, memory, or imagination, but reporting only what is directly seen in experience.

Next please read and say to yourself several times: *There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

After each time you read or say it, notice what happens, feelings, sensations, thoughts, movements... And write here what is noticed.

Don't try to get anything right, just share what is seen, unfiltered. Generally this process will be driven by seeing what is already happening, what is already the case. What is effortlessly seen while engaging questions and exercises is what is important. What you actually write me is secondary to that.

Much love,
Becca

Hi Becca,

seeking will fall away.

I am happy to agree to this as a marker to begin our conversation.
And I appreciate your comments about gratitude for the seeking energy. It is good to be here, and I am grateful.

I have done a number of exercises with

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

Some in my journal, some directly typed on my iPad. I couldn’t possibly include them all, and many are rambling stream of consciousness.
I tried to remind myself to use DE as much as possible, but also failed multiple times, and have included some examples to demonstrate.
I have tried to compile some examples here, and edited to try to make it flow, which I acknowledge, is a whole lot of thinking.

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

who is it then? Then who am I? I’m looking. It sure feels like there was a self.
I remember my childhood my teens. I have 32 years of journals all or most told in the first person. Who was writing those? I feel like the same person who was writing them all along.
[Doubts]

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

What about all my family, past and present, my grandparents my parents, my kids? Do they have separate selves? I Love them so much? I can’t bear to think of them not existing.
[Resistance, Fear]

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

How many is several?
will I send Becca seven examples?
I google several,
“Several” can designate any number between 3 - 9 depending on circumstances.
refine google search “several etymology” (because i figure it must have come from the number seven at least somewhere in the history of language.)
I learn that the word “several” has a Latin root “separ” as in “separate”!
[this is obviously a distraction.
i include it, because it happened, and to acknowledge that it is very selfing, but also that I kind of enjoy these little side trips, I find etymology fascinating, how language evolves… and how about that synchronicity!?]
Possible secondary label [magical thinking]
[im a qualified librarian, now working with statistics, good luck getting me to stop labelling things :-P]

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

There is no separate self, never was, never will be.
So I am here with iPad, and Pages on the Screen. My thumbs tap on the keyboard, writing, I feel pressure on my back, lying down. Breathing. My stomach rumbles, my toes, pressure against the foot of the bed. My thoughts. What will I write next?
Thoughts, still thoughts, I try to bring myself back.
What is being pointed at?

LOOK carefully at what is being pointed at

Self is being pointed at.
There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be.
Not separate, but still a self?
A self that is not separate? a self that is everything?
I’m in my head, I’m trying to write it. I’m getting all conceptual.
It is late. I am going to stop writing, and sleep on it…
…
…

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

I adjusted my pillows, to make the bed as comfortable as possible. I put the devices away, I turned out the lights. I heard my young adult son out in the kitchen. He keeps different time than I do, we said goodnight hours ago, he’s up late as usual (me not so usual), I called out. He came in, we talked, it was good, I was present, we said goodnight. He closed my door, it was dark in my room, only a sliver of light under the door. I guess I fell asleep, I have no more memories after that.
I have vague memories of a dream, but the self in the dream was not me. I was experiencing it, but it was a different self to the one I am feeling now, like a completely different person, who’s eyes I got to see through.

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

I got up, I put on the kettle, I waited for it to boil. I put two teaspoons of coffee crystals in the bottom of my favourite mug. I poured the water over the…
[stop, this is not DE. even now I am remembering, it happenened 5 minutes ago.]

I am back in bed with my coffee beside me, it tastes bitter.
I am typing words, letter by letter with my thumbs, they are all memories, even though they happened milliseconds ago.
I stop typing there is silence.
No, I can hear the air conditioner out in the other room.

No separate self, I remind myself to do the exercise.
My bedroom looks three dimensional to me.
I try to imagine it all reversed on a screen on the back of my eyeballs.
No Shane, don’t imagine, LOOK.
I cant see my own eyeballs, and I can’t see myself.
Does that mean they don’t exist?
I put down the iPad again.

I’ll need to get up and start getting ready for work soon.
Yesterday was a stressful day.
Too many tasks, and a micromanaging manager on my back all day.
I didn’t finish them all yesterday, there will be more for me to do today.
I don’t want to be stressed again today.
I can only prioritise and do my best with each individual task.
I will remind myself throughout the day.
I will look for feelings of stress and try to use that as a reminder repeat again…

*There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

Becca,
It is hard to write about the moments when I did this well.
All the writing is me not doing it well.
I had better luck in the moments when I didn’t write it.

Did I perhaps get a glimpse of it last night?
Could there still be a self, but just not a separate self?
A self that is all the things I can see, and feel, and hear, taste and smell.

This feels like a very long response, and I’m only just beginning to experiment with it.
I will continue through the day, but would like to send this as it is, for guidance, as I know a lot of this is off track, so much thinking, so much remembering, so much imagining.

For now I will send this to you Becca, and am interested to hear your guidance.
with apologies for the randomness of my ramblings.
And that you now have to sift through it.

With gratitude,
Shan

Very good. No apologies needed. There is a lot of noticing here.

It is hard to write about the moments when I did this well.
All the writing is me not doing it well.
I had better luck in the moments when I didn’t write it.

So what is available in the gap without words?
In the sound of the air conditioner? In the sliver of the light underneath the door? The sensation of a stomach rumbling… The taste of the tea..

Who is the one who needs to do well? Where is that one?


Looking, as we will come to define it here, is a matter of noticing what is already here, not inventing or imagining something.

So there is a BIG difference between knowing that there is nothing and seeing that there is nothing. Looking is what gets us to seeing. :)

Here is an example to illustrate the difference:

If I ask you what colour socks you are wearing right now you have two ways to answer:
1. You can think about it, trying to remember, or guessing what colour they are.
2. You can have a look at your socks and see what colour they ACTUALLY are!
You will agree that only by looking you could be 100% certain, right?

For the purpose of this inquiry, it is crucial that you are clear about this difference in the two ways of answering and stick to the second way. We are interested in looking at and seeing what is actually going on. We are only interested in Direct (Actual) Experience (DE/AE)- the experience right now and right here.

Direct or Actual Experience is:

Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (not emotion - emotion is sensation plus thoughts/labels)
Tasting
Smelling
Thoughts Arising (but not their content, what the thought is ABOUT)

So to dive back in here:

What about all my family, past and present, my grandparents my parents, my kids? Do they have separate selves? I Love them so much? I can’t bear to think of them not existing.
[Resistance, Fear]

What is the direct experience of ‘resistance’? What is the direct experience of ‘fear’?
Where is that in the body? Contraction, chest, gut, throat? FEEL that. Do not label, analyze, or make meaning. Just feel.

You love them, right? What is the direct experience of that? Notice all the rest is all a story.

Could there still be a self, but just not a separate self?
A self that is all the things I can see, and feel, and hear, taste and smell.

What is lost if the story of separate selves is seen through?

Is there a ‘you’ necessary for seeing to occur, for feeling, for tasting and smelling?

This is what we will be exploring…

Much love,
Becca

Hi Becca,
Thankyou.

So what is available in the gap without words?

There are the sensory perceptions, sight is the most pervasive, but I can hear the sounds, and smells, I can feel my body.
There is my awareness of them
Thoughts arise, I become aware of them too.

Who is the one who needs to do well? Where is that one?

I can’t see them. I don’t know who they are?
It feels like me, but with a layer of thinking.
“I want to do well”. “I want to follow the process correctly.”
Possibly if I really examine the thought, “I want Becca to like me or to see something special in me.”
But in my direct experience, they do seem to be just thoughts.

I Love them so much?

That question mark was a typo. It should have been an exclamation mark!
I Love them so much!

You love them, right?

Yes i do.
But I don’t have words to describe the direct experience of that.
And even now, I have written and deleted many stories about how and why I love them, all referencing thoughts, memories and emotions.
I could tell you there is a warm feeling in my heart, but when I really look, I feel my heart beat, and I feel the rise and fall of my chest, as I breathe. But that is all.

What is the direct experience of ‘resistance’? What is the direct experience of ‘fear’?

Perhaps again a quickening of the beating in my heart, tight feeling in my throat.
But nothing as strong as the emotion of fear of loss, when I think of them not existing.
I am afraid of losing them.
But also they need me.
I am afraid because to question my existence, and the existence of other people feels like insanity.
And my kids need me to be sane.

My resistance is because I can’t describe my love for them without referring to thoughts, memories and emotions.

I am resisting the process, and I’m not sure that is a bad thing.

Couldn’t we also validly doubt direct experience?
Is my vision so reliable? There are many optical illusions that I could use to demonstrate that my vision is unreliable.
Other senses can be deluded too.

Surely love is real? [Question mark intended]
Even you sign your messages “Much love”
I’m sure that is not unintentional.

I could even say that Love feels more real than any of the perceptions.
Perceptions are constantly changing.
But my love for my kids doesn’t.
Come to think of it, my love for that 19 year old kid who started writing a journal 32 years ago doesn’t change either. And I feel like the same person that began writing all those years ago.

I am aware that this response is full of doubt
But I also don’t want to just dismiss my doubts.
I have been told to “just have faith” before.
And that path led to delusion too.

What is lost if the story of separate selves is seen through?

Ok, I’ll try.
My direct experience is here in this room. The morning light coming in my window, the blueness of my wall. There is a still image of a dolphin on the tv screen. The bedroom door is closed. I feel warm underneath my blanket.

If there is no separate self, then everything in this room is connected.
Everything is connected. Everything is one.
Nothing is lost
Is that Love?
It’s a nice feeling, and a nice thought, But it is still a thought.

Is there a ‘you’ necessary for seeing to occur, for feeling, for tasting and smelling?

Possibly not.
The awareness persists.
I only have awareness of “my” perceptions. From the perspective of this person.
I don’t have any awareness of anyone else’s perceptions.

Still so many doubts
Still so many questions.

Sincerely,
Shane

Great.

But in my direct experience, they do seem to be just thoughts.

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.

Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

Couldn’t we also validly doubt direct experience?
Is my vision so reliable? There are many optical illusions that I could use to demonstrate that my vision is unreliable.
Other senses can be deluded too.

Illusions show that THOUGHT interpretations about causes/objects can be wrong. They do not touch the undeniability that appearances appear. That undeniability is all this inquiry uses.

And even now, I have written and deleted many stories about how and why I love them, all referencing thoughts, memories and emotions.
I could tell you there is a warm feeling in my heart, but when I really look, I feel my heart beat, and I feel the rise and fall of my chest, as I breathe. But that is all.

But nothing as strong as the emotion of fear of loss, when I think of them not existing.

The warm feeling is the baseline. Notice what happens with this thought of loss comes.
There is a formula here we will be working with:
Emotion = thought + sensation

So which part of this formula would you say is resisting the process?

Everything is connected. Everything is one.
Nothing is lost
Is that Love?
It’s a nice feeling, and a nice thought, But it is still a thought.

Yes. Precise seeing here.

Early days, my friend. But that is not to say this will necessarily take a long time. Just that there are many holes to poke in the raft of self delusion, and we are just beginning to poke, but any one of them can sink the ship. :)

Stay with it,
Becca

Hi Becca
Thankyou.

So which part of this formula would you say is resisting the process?

Definitely it is the thought part of the equation that is doing the resisting.
I will try to be more mindful of this as emotions arise in coming days.
And after some ongoing contemplation, happy to try to put doubts aside for the moment, to engage with this process.

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.

I did the following exercise this morning.
You said to COMPLETELY ignore the content of “what” thoughts were saying, which I realise I didn’t follow exactly.
I did record “what” they were about, but only to name it. I then did my best not to engage with it. Happy to hear any notes on the below.
I feel there were some interesting things that came up…

At 8.23 I sat down in my favourite recliner chair with a coffee, and a glass of cold water.
With my notebook on the arm of the chair beside me.
I made some notes on the exercise.
And began with some observation of direct experience.
The dog on the rug in front of me, licking his face and paws after his breakfast, the kitchen table with some rubbish from last nights dinner. The taste of coffee, I wash it down with water, a cold sensation in my mouth,
At 8.33 I began, with pen ready to take notes of thoughts that arise.
Jake gags, he ate his breakfast too fast, he’s ok.
Thoughts about what I’m doing, observing chest rise and fall with my breath.
A bird chirping, then the rain on the tin roof.
Where can I look for thoughts? I try the back of my head.
Another bird, further in the distance.
The howling of the wind under the front door, down the hallway.
Another downpour
“It is all one”
I remind myself to think about this.”it is all one” can I direct my thought? I think so.
Thoughts about thoughts, they seem to be in response to stimuli.
I don’t experience them like clouds floating by, like some people describe them.
Thoughts about events in the news cycle, but before that I was thinking about something my Dad said yesterday at lunch, about us all living in an echo chamber, only hearing views from people we already agree with.
“Everything is one”, I remind myself. I chose to return to this thought.
“Is my daughter working tonight?” I need to ask her.
“I want to make some bread”
What am I making for dinner tonight? Bread and apricot chicken”
Thinking about chores.
Distractions “pick up the iPad, check the time”
I didn’t do it.
Thoughts of being proud of my self restraint,
then I did it.
9.03 half an hour exactly.

Where are they coming from and going to?

Thoughts seemed to arising in response to stimuli.
Something I saw, something I heard.
The kitchen table reminding me of what I will cook for dinner.
Memory of conversation at lunch yesterday.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

A couple of times I reminded myself to think about the oneness of everything.
I tried to get myself back to the place I touched on yesterday.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

I don’t think so.
I had set a mental reminder before the experiment, that this was how I wanted to test the previous question.

I was actually surprised at how few thoughts were arising, and how much of it was just me observing the room.

Can you predict your next thought?

I asked myself a couple of times, what will the next thought be? Then there was silence, until the next thought arose.
No I don’t believe I could have predicted it, except for the couple of times I came back to “everything is one”

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

I Didn’t really get to these.

I have thoughts about them now though.

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

No, there are not a range of thoughts that I can choose from.
Although often there are multiple things that I am trying to remember to do, like when I was remembering chores that I wanted to do this morning.
I often try to capture these thoughts in something like a to-do list.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?

From my past experience, I have multiple strategies for distracting myself from certain thoughts. I can distract myself with pleasure seeking, eating, scrolling on social media, binge watching television. But these kinds of tactics seem to suppress the thought, and it often does come back.

Again with painful thoughts, I think my main distraction technique is to feed it with comfort food, especially cheese, or carbohydrates or sweet foods.

I do believe I can choose certain things to focus on, for example, when I am at work, and I need to focus on a task. I can to a certain extent, put away distractions. Often by creating lists and prioritising tasks.
These seem to be strategies for organising and focusing thought.
Often fuelled by a motivating factor, like an emotion, like the fear of falling behind at work, or wanting to do well.

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

In my previous meditation experience I have also tried to learn to control my mind, with focus and concentration, on certain chakras, or other symbols. With varying degrees of success.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

I believe it is possible to slow the mind down.
Even in this exercise, I was surprised at how few thoughts there were when I kept focusing on my direct experience.

Once again, not sure if I followed instructions “COMPLETELY” but it’s a good exercise that I will continue with.

My kids got home, and I was keen to talk to my son, as there is a girl he is keen on and he got invited to her house for dinner last night.
The smile on his face was enough to tell me it went well, we sat and talked about it for a while, and now that he has gone off to do his own thing, I’m looking closely at that feeling of Love, the joy at seeing him happy, and yes it is there in my heart.

Now that the kids are home, I won’t get much more done on this tonight.
But agree, there are some interesting ideas here for me to poke around with.
Thankyou for your guidance :-)

Sincerely,
Shane

Hello!

Great, so in direct experience you cannot predict thoughts and can’t really make a different thought appear instead.

I Didn’t really get to these.

I have thoughts about them now though.

Great, so go back today and Look into these questions in real time. “From past experience” and “I believe” are just thoughts… we are looking in direct experience here and now to see what is actually found. :)

Here they are again:
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

I did record “what” they were about, but only to name it. I then did my best not to engage with it.

Yes. The named content (“oneness,” dinner, chores etc) is helpful for seeing the habit, but this time through drop the story entirely. Tag only: “thought.” Return to raw seeing/hearing/feeling.

A couple of times I reminded myself to think about the oneness of everything.
I tried to get myself back to the place I touched on yesterday.

If “Everything is one” appears today, use it as a pointer to drop back into direct experience. We aren’t ‘chasing’ a state here, but looking in each moment for what’s here and true which resides in a paradigm/perspective shift.

Again with painful thoughts, I think my main distraction technique is to feed it with comfort food, especially cheese, or carbohydrates or sweet foods.

The next time you notice this, I’d like you to check: Is the thought driving this behavior or is it a reaction to the feeling or body sensation that comes right after the thought? If the latter, stop and sit with the body sensation. See what is there.

With love,
Becca

Hi Becca

It is early in the morning, I am lying in bed. It is still dark outside. There is a sliver of darkness between the blinds. I can’t see outside at all.
My stomach feels uncomfortable.
I feel a bit sick. What is that feeling? Below my chest, a kind of tender soreness in my stomach. My throat also a little scratchy, and nose a little runny. My back a little sore. I’m lying in bed trying to write on the iPad.
One letter appears after the other, as my thumbs tap on the screen.
I take a sip of coffee. Pause to read what I have written.
Do thoughts appear? What’s the question again?

Can I select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

What thoughts are there?
I am present here, my thumbs tapping. What thoughts are there?
I stop typing.
I close my eyes, I can feel my chest and stomach rise and fall with the breath. An image arises. A thought, imagination, were there other images for me to chose from? No.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?

The discomfort in my stomach, and back. Can I chose not to think about that? Not now, but didn’t I bring it up? I’m asking myself the question. Is that my thought? It’s Becca’s question, but my thought and I chose it. And now I’m looking at the pain in my stomach. It is not terribly painful. And I’m not in emotional pain, except perhaps a little afraid of my health deteriorating. My eating habits are not great, and my body feels the discomfort.
Thoughts about work.
I don’t want to go to work.
Even working from home. I don’t want to go and sit at that desk.
Thoughts about work persist. I feel like I brought that on trying to think of something negative. I feel like I went looking for and chose the negative thought.

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Not pick and choose exactly, but I can direct my thought. The light is starting to come through that sliver between the blinds now. I can see things out there now, the colour of the bricks on the outside wall, I’ll need to think about getting the kids up soon.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

I repeat the question in my mind, but nothing appears.
I can hear a hum of something outside, maybe our fridge, maybe something in the neighbours yard. There is a chirping, like a background hum, again like crickets, but not crickets. A vibration.
“Don’t think” can I prevent a thought? I feel like I don’t have a thought, except this writing the description of not having a thought, which I think is a thought.
I’m not preventing thoughts.
I don’t know what the next thought will be. How can I prevent it?
Response to stimuli. Sound of a plane. The sound of the solar panels turning on. What is that hum? But not thoughts, just observations.

I feel like I can’t see the thoughts when I go looking for them.
They don’t seem to arise randomly.
They arise in response to things that are in direct experience.
Like I try to make meaning from them.
The clicking through the wall is all I heard. But then I think about it and deduce that it must be the solar panels turning themselves on. The thought tries to make meaning of the experience.

I do have to get the kids up, and myself ready for work.
I will send this now, and possibly come back again, to examine thoughts more through the day.
Although once I log in to work, the busyness will take over and I won’t have time to reflect on this.
I resent its imposition on my practice.

Sincerely
Shane

I feel like I brought that on trying to think of something negative. I feel like I went looking for and chose the negative thought.

What is ‘feel like’? Get specific.

Can you find the moment where you picked a thought?
Or did the impulse to look for something negative just appear, and then the thought followed?
Isn’t it just another thought?… one labeling, one judging, one narrating?

What is here before the story of “I am practicing,” “I am lying in bed,” “I am examining thought”?
What is actually here, before any description?
Not what you think about it, what is undeniably here, now?

Although once I log in to work, the busyness will take over and I won’t have time to reflect on this.
I resent its imposition on my practice.

Who is the one that resents?
Is there a separate “practicer” here, trying to maintain a “state”?
What happens to the body right in that moment? tension, contraction, a little tightening?
Notice how the story of “practice” is another attempt to grasp, to control, to do.

Let the discomfort, the tension, the thought, the sound, the urge to practice, the urge to change, let it all be exactly as it is, now. No fixing, no changing, no controlling.

Just this.

Right now, in the midst of the discomfort, the ordinary morning, the negative thoughts, the resentment etc
Is there, in any way, shape, or form, an independent entity (a “me”) doing any of this? Thinking any of this?
Or is this just life, happening, with the story of “me” pasted on top after the fact?

What is ‘feel like’? Get specific.

I can only give you a very thought laden explanation of what I thought I was trying to do here.
I’ve spent the last couple of hours trying to justify my thought process.
That is deleted.
And right now there is a letting go.

Thoughts keep arising, thoughts keep defending, thoughts to argue, thoughts to justify. Thoughts to distract.

Who is the one that resents?

Thoughts always seem to be running out of time.
I love to get up early in the morning. It is often the time that I write in my journal. But then I often feel that the morning slips away from me, especially if I get drawn into the distraction of social media, or youtube. But also, even when I write, before I know it, it’s time to get the kids up and into the morning routine, and then ready for work.
But now I’m starting to see that this may be just thoughts.
I have been approaching this beautiful morning as something that I must do. Sometimes I set writing goals, a set number of pages, or words. But it’s all just ego striving. And thoughts.
And I am now starting to think that all I have achieved with 32 years of writing this journal is to reinforce an erroneous, identification with self, and embolden it.
Every page begins with “I am…” almost every line includes the word “I”.
And then it has to make way for the events of the day.
Thoughts resent the movement of time.

Just this.

There is a blue wall, and on it a black tv screen. The blue wall joins with the white cornice, and then the ceiling.
A white light globe above the bed.
There is a bookshelf, and on it the red display of my digital clock.
Next to the bookshelf there are bags, and coats and hats on hooks on the wall. Then the door to the ensuite.
On the bed stand is a glass of water, a coffee, and a reading lamp, which is on.
Coughing happens, and a sniffle. Breathing is restricted. Chest a bit sore. What is that feeling? The chest goes up and down, and the air moves in the throat.
There is the sound of the air going in and out.
There is air that was once in the space in front of me fills my lungs. And I breathe out and what was once inside my body goes out into the room. It is the rhythm of the room.
What else is here?
Thoughts don’t seem to rise when I focus on direct experience of what is here now.
The rumbling of an aeroplane going over.
What else is here? In the stillness and quietness of this room.
Am I here?
There doesn’t need to be an I. I stumbles with language, trying to describe it.
The vision blurs, and there is a focus on the breath. It is not thinking, just looking.within the breathing, there is also the beating of the heart. They can be synched, counting beats in a breath.
The sound of an alarm faintly in another room, my son gets up and there are sounds of him in the bathroom, flushing and now moving around the house.
The breath returns.

Another plane goes overhead… the sound of a plane.
There is also a hum, a buzz, I don’t know what it is.
I doesn’t know what it is.
The air conditioner is on in the living room, but it is not that.
Do I have tinnitus? That’s a thought.
Whatever it is, the ear is picking up a vibration.
The awareness of it.
The awareness of the blue wall, the bookshelf, the alarm clock, the coat rack.
The awareness of the sounds.
The awareness of the ipad screen, tapping on the keyboard on the screen.
Words appearing
someone is aware.
It “feels” like me.
Be specific. What does it feel like?
I wants to say, “I can see it.”
Surely someone is seeing this?
There is seeing, there is hearing, there is tasting.
There is breathing, there is the beating of a heart.
There is awareness of this.

Thoughts arise, doubts arise
The need to go to the toilet arises.

I gets up and goes to the bathroom,
I goes out to make another coffee.
There is coldness on the hard tiles of the floor.
I returns to the warmth of the bed.
I wants to claim the awareness as its own.
Is I aware of awareness?
Thoughts seem to respond to what is here in direct experience

The kids are getting up of their own accord.
There is a sliver of light outside my window,
There is awareness of a bigger world outside this room.

Perhaps I doesn’t want to go to work.
But there is a job.
There are chores to be done.
There is life.

What is ‘feel like’? Get specific.

I can only give you a very thought laden explanation of what I thought I was trying to do here.
I’ve spent the last couple of hours trying to justify my thought process.
That is deleted.
And right now there is a letting go.

Thoughts keep arising, thoughts keep defending, thoughts to argue, thoughts to justify. Thoughts to distract.

Who is the one that resents?

Thoughts always seem to be running out of time.
I love to get up early in the morning. It is often the time that I write in my journal. But then I often feel that the morning slips away from me, especially if I get drawn into the distraction of social media, or youtube. But also, even when I write, before I know it, it’s time to get the kids up and into the morning routine, and then ready for work.
But now I’m starting to see that this may be just thoughts.
I have been approaching this beautiful morning as something that I must do. Sometimes I set writing goals, a set number of pages, or words. But it’s all just ego striving. And thoughts.
And I am now starting to think that all I have achieved with 32 years of writing this journal is to reinforce an erroneous, identification with self, and embolden it.
Every page begins with “I am…” almost every line includes the word “I”.
And then it has to make way for the events of the day.
Thoughts resent the movement of time.

Just this.

There is a blue wall, and on it a black tv screen. The blue wall joins with the white cornice, and then the ceiling.
A white light globe above the bed.
There is a bookshelf, and on it the red display of my digital clock.
Next to the bookshelf there are bags, and coats and hats on hooks on the wall. Then the door to the ensuite.
On the bed stand is a glass of water, a coffee, and a reading lamp, which is on.
Coughing happens, and a sniffle. Breathing is restricted. Chest a bit sore. What is that feeling? The chest goes up and down, and the air moves in the throat.
There is the sound of the air going in and out.
There is air that was once in the space in front of me fills my lungs. And I breathe out and what was once inside my body goes out into the room. It is the rhythm of the room.
What else is here?
Thoughts don’t seem to rise when I focus on direct experience of what is here now.
The rumbling of an aeroplane going over.
What else is here? In the stillness and quietness of this room.
Am I here?
There doesn’t need to be an I. I stumbles with language, trying to describe it.
The vision blurs, and there is a focus on the breath. It is not thinking, just looking.within the breathing, there is also the beating of the heart. They can be synched, counting beats in a breath.
The sound of an alarm faintly in another room, my son gets up and there are sounds of him in the bathroom, flushing and now moving around the house.
The breath returns.

Another plane goes overhead… the sound of a plane.
There is also a hum, a buzz, I don’t know what it is.
I doesn’t know what it is.
The air conditioner is on in the living room, but it is not that.
Do I have tinnitus? That’s a thought.
Whatever it is, the ear is picking up a vibration.
The awareness of it.
The awareness of the blue wall, the bookshelf, the alarm clock, the coat rack.
The awareness of the sounds.
The awareness of the ipad screen, tapping on the keyboard on the screen.
Words appearing
someone is aware.
It “feels” like me.
Be specific. What does it feel like?
I wants to say, “I can see it.”
Surely someone is seeing this?
There is seeing, there is hearing, there is tasting.
There is breathing, there is the beating of a heart.
There is awareness of this.

Thoughts arise, doubts arise
The need to go to the toilet arises.

I gets up and goes to the bathroom,
I goes out to make another coffee.
There is coldness on the hard tiles of the floor.
I returns to the warmth of the bed.
I wants to claim the awareness as its own.
Is I aware of awareness?
Thoughts seem to respond to what is here in direct experience

The kids are getting up of their own accord.
There is a sliver of light outside my window,
There is awareness of a bigger world outside this room.

Perhaps I doesn’t want to go to work.
But there is a job.
There are chores to be done.
There is life.

Hello Shane.

Keep going, the veil is thinning.

Sit quietly and relax, take your time just looking at what is in front of you for a while. Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.
Give it some time…

Then, stop watching the objects as labelled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing. This is direct experience.

Here's an exercise that I would like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Even at work. :) Label daily activities simply color/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.

So for example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup, simply= image/colour
Smelling coffee, simply = smell
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought

Just break down daily activities into these categories (which are all actual/direct experience) and report back how you go.

And I am now starting to think that all I have achieved with 32 years of writing this journal is to reinforce an erroneous, identification with self, and embolden it.
Every page begins with “I am…” almost every line includes the word “I”.

There was never an I.

Take a look: write a sentence in your journal now without the word “I.” Instead of “I am angry,” write “anger is here.” Instead of “I am remembering,” write “memory arises.” Feel the difference in your gut as you do it.

Here is an exercise which examines the way in which the mind labels experience - it takes about 20 minutes and you will need a pen a paper.

This exercise is broken into 10 minute lots. For each 10 minute period pay attention to any bodily sensation ie is there any tightening, or any relaxing?

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”. For example: I am sitting on a chair, I am hearing a clock ticking, I am looking at a computer screen, I am feeling hungry. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just
a plain description of your experience right here and now.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs. For example: sitting on a chair, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the clock. (Again, watch what is happening in the body.)

At the end of the twenty minutes compare the two ways in which the experience was labeled and answer the following four questions:
1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

Does writing require a writer?

Is there any gap between words appearing and the idea that a “writer” did them?

Can you locate the writer anywhere outside of thought?

Has the writer been a mirage all along?