The Gate

you would not believe how much avoidance there is here to answering this. You probably can imagine, but it's a lot.
That avoidance puts itself very front and center, so let's tackle this first.

tingling sensation in the arms is felt.
There is a story of "I'm not good enough" attached.
sensation like very compressed energy found on legs.
Something about the emotion coming with this is shifting.
The face is felt, as if in shock.
Anger is felt at myself for writing this, story of "self pity" attached to it.
almost painful sensation around the heart / left side of chest. moving a little.
a "heaviness" is felt. very lightweight under direct inspection though.
Energy is the chest is felt. It feels like it is "working against" (something).

fear, terror.


okay, sending for now, a friend is visiting.

will see that I answer to your *actualy* prompts later!

I made this meme to describe what came out of this confrontation



of course making this is a ironically a bit avoidant behaviour, but generally I want to say that recognizing/assuming some thoughts or doings as avoidant behaviour feels fruitful right now.

also not much else I feel like I actually can do

🤣🤣🤣

thoughts immediately come about "I can't answer this anyway".

Or…
could it happen without you?
Already always present in all the spaces in between

Is ‘not awake’ always only a thought?

Reading this, there's nothing in the body that contradicts that.

"if I don't do anything,I can't work towards awakening"

Circling back to this post (about the river flowing):

it feels very much saved and inevitable, whatever "it" is.
The opposite is also felt, thought I think this is just material getting more obvious in contrast to the "saved and inevitable" sensation.

Thoughts saying that "I" don't really feel that come.
"I" do not know in what capacity that very much freeing and saved sensation is felt.

I just cried sitting down at a restaurant.
I feel very grateful about that, it is not really obvious wether the underlying shadow is worked through or not.
Though mostly because it just felt so beautiful.

I feel like life communicated pretty directly just now much the underlying beliefs at play here are hurting and imprisoning.

There seem to be corr beliefs like
I have to do everything perfect
I must not do mistakes
I can't do anything right
I'm forsaken

Could this lock the do-er assumption in place? It feels natural to consider this would suffice to bring it back again and again.


I think really welcoming this shadow work is a great blessing.

Who could lock it in place?
It is an illusion.

Are these beliefs true?
Take them one at a time.

Do you need to do anything perfect? Who defines perfect? According to what measure? Is it possible for a you to control the doing or does doing just happen? Is a you necessary for this to be what is?

What is a mistake? Is it a thought happening now or something in the “past”? Could it have been any other way? Is it happening now?

Who defines ‘right’? Whose voice do you hear saying what is right? Is there something you do do ‘right’? Is there a lot that happens that does not fit the thought of right or the thought of wrong but just is? Who measures each thing against a standard? Is any of that comparing, categorizing real?

Forsaken BY WHO?

Do you need to do anything perfect? Who defines perfect? According to what measure? Is it possible for a you to control the doing or does doing just happen? Is a you necessary for this to be what is?

a tension answers and a wonderment. marinating a bit in this.
this tension is the "claiming of doing"... (best effort description)
felt in the left side of the chest, moving towards left side of face, now spreading through the left leg. right side of face, lips now.
sensation labeled "awful" coming.
too much to describe while experiencing it now.

"I am losing my fear of this"

fear comes, but it isn't feared itself right now.

Really, a lot working through the guts.

not like answers come. if anything, a "not knowing" is being marinated in here

What is a mistake? Is it a thought happening now or something in the “past”? Could it have been any other way? Is it happening now?

thought comes that says "everyone will scream at me"
really asking the question, more directly.
lack of a thing comes. lack of "mistake" existing.
it feels like grieving offers itself.
assumptions form while dissolving.
> is it happening now?
this feels like a koan really. some gears stop working in mind.


You wrote more, I'm sending for now and will come by later again.
this feels very transmissive

it's crazy how much "I am on the right track" right now with whatever is going on concerning shadow work and noticing avoidance patterns.
I wanted to say that. I feel that.

Who could lock it (the do-er) in place?
It is an illusion.

no protest coming from the body about that.
what else would there be?
that question feels funny.

Are these beliefs true?
Take them one at a time.

• I have to do everything perfect
  
  • the body does not confirm this. tension is felt in the chest, left side of jaw, calfs, lips, forehead.
    a wave of sadness. is it bearable?. it is. there's capacity to meet all of that fully. hesistance is here though. Energy working from toes to the head.
    Some avoidance comes. Face is felt, lips, left temple,... heart. very silent now. just the body felt. relaxation is flooding through.
    There's a notion of "when is this over" here. Where is that felt? Chest, tummy, lips... could this notion be an assumption of some sorts?
    oh, it's "protecting" something "I really don't want to feel".
    there's an assumption of doership a la "what am I supposed to do with this now?"
    there's an assumption of time, felt as tension in the lefs, the jaw, chest, lips, throat, left arm, left side of jaw.
    there's an hesistance to "let go of the notion of time". "What would I be without it?" Relaxation. ih there's something more subtle going on.
    an assumption is present saying "I have to do this (task) right now". Like it's an obligation.
    Like time is leaving me, precious and irredemably gone. Like "I'm forsaken".
    An assumptionm that something "bad" is happening. The body holds that.
    I feel small and preyed on, like a mouse right now. I feel that between my chest and stomach. under the eyes. Hands. Lips. Legs. Calfs. (Muscles vibrate and shake)
• I am doing everything wrong
  
  • well. the word doing is felt in the face. and the chest. Hands. a self image of a sad person pops up, felt around the eyes, temples and jaw. Upper Legs as well.
• I must not do mistakes
• I can't do anything right
• I'm forsaken
  
  • in the body it's different. there's even similing happening.
    it's felt like distinctly "nothing".
    a lot just working through the body. Through the stomach, down the legs, the throught, lower part of jaw. Relaxation in breathing.

Is there a lot that happens that does not fit the thought of right or the thought of wrong but just is?

yeah. it's a reaction of tension here, I feel.

Forsaken BY WHO?

I don't know. Something is felt, but it's not known.
maybe it's looking for the wrong thing, that causes this situation. expecting something.

it feels like there's a hesistance to accept and inhabit these body sensations that come up.
inhabiting them, that's good stuff.

it feels like there's a hesistance to accept and inhabit these body sensations that come up.
inhabiting them, that's good stuff.

Well, regardless, they were met.
Could it be welcomed then? Embraced?

it's neither really welcoming nor embracing, but there's the possibility to really be in the center of the suffering and confusion that comes right now.

suffering
Who owns this? Take a look.

confusion

What is the live lived experience with the label ‘confusion’?

Q: where do I look for the owner of suffering?
A: Not in thought.

(commenting on this later on: there's a real gotcha experience here about the whole finger pointing to the moon not being the moon stuff. It's easy to get fascinated with the question (text), instead of what the question references (for example"suffering"))


well, a sensation labeled "suffering" comes.
a hesitancy / a pulling back is noticed.
a welcoming happens.
sensation moves into left leg. stomach.

there is an ongoing back and forth here happening.
behind the thought "how long do i have to keep doing that? (looking etc.)"
there's the assumption that it stops. Or, more viscerally felt, the mode of seeing reality as if "I" could "pull out of" direct experience.
there's a conflict wether "I want to keep this or not".

And under that seems to be a fundamental felt sense of distinction. like a sheet, a blanket, between me and direct experience. coming wiht the flavour of assumption. or there's intuition that this is an assumption.
there's a conflict wether "I want to keep this or not".



## confusion

confusion itself seems to be thought chatter, wheres DE is still clear and sober.
investigating the confusion labeled thing disperses a lot of energy in the body.
"confusion" seems to point to energy stored (stuck? ignored?) in the body.

also to a sensation labeled as "hektic" which feels "awful".
its intense, sitting into this. the body starts doing intense breathwork (while the mind chattes about "i dont know what to do with this", lol).

detour; i think this feeling of "hektic" (also labeled "feverdream"-like) is strongly associated with being high (on drugs) beyond (what actually? beyond salvation? beyond being human? beyond sanity?).
This body and mind recall being a heavy drug user / addict and that sure was devastating.

this confusion / hektic sensation contains something labeled "unclean / dirty". Welcoming that.

feeling the body really, wholy, yet there seems to be some cave. Some shard missing or broken, around the heart.

What's missing or broken?

Energetics felt radiating way down into the left side of the foot, felt intensly in the calf.


---

there a believe that "i have to get it"
felt like a tight string.
that sensation becomes "biceps" and "foot" upon inspection.
there's more, felt in stomach. hip. lips. left arm + hand

Great work following the body and seeing what were labels, and what was automatic uncontrollable processing of thought or body.

there's the assumption that it stops

Ah. Is this possible to ever know? Is it ok just as it is?

And under that seems to be a fundamental felt sense of distinction. like a sheet, a blanket, between me and direct experience. coming wiht the flavour of assumption

Without using the words blanket, between, me, or experience…
What is actually present?

Can “between” be felt?
Or is “between” an interpretation laid over sensation?

The same with “me.” :)

Examine the assumption itself.

When this felt distinction is present does it actually divide anything? Or is division only inferred?

Check it out. Notice the “sheet”.
On one side of the sheet, what is there?
On the other side, what is there?

Don’t answer from memory or your understanding of non-duality blah blah blah. Actually look.

If there truly is a boundary, there must be two things separated by it. Can both sides be found?

feeling the body really, wholy, yet there seems to be some cave. Some shard missing or broken, around the heart.

What's missing or broken?

Yes. More looking here today.

there's the assumption that it (the looking) can stop

Ah. Is this possible to ever know? Is it ok just as it is?

it feels like there's a downward movement in the body reading this.
it is okay, yes. there's not really something special about it.

reasking this ask "is it possible to ever know, if another, different moment will be experienced?"

looking not in thought...
something working through the body.
albeit there are lot s of thoughts about "what I might answer" (not having to do with what is now written), theres...

there's relaxation. it feels like an answer to this is on offer to be "accepted".

moving on for now

Without using the words blanket, between, me, or experience…
What is actually present?

it's subtle.
what comes is a fairly complex feeling around the heart or chest.already shifting towards arms, legs, lips.

Can “between” be felt?
Or is “between” an interpretation laid over sensation?

these sensations are there, albeit "between" requires them to be put into a mental image, it seems.

The same with “me.” :)

"me" as well...
at least in this context, it's not "needed" for the experience.

When this felt distinction is present does it actually divide anything? Or is division only inferred?

ah, there's a sense that it's a story around it.
Though I wonder what seeing this clearly would mean, because right now, it feels like immeditaly the assumption of "this is not really seen" comes.

Mental images are popping up, putting the sensation in context.
Like "sheet / blanket" or (a favourite around here) "sensations as lights in space"
Do you remember listening to music on a computer and having these crazy audio visualizers back in 2005 or so?
It feels a little like that, like the music is happening independently of the screen, but the screen does try to draw it anyway. Yet the music is just there.

okay, that was a detour.

When this felt distinction is present does it actually divide anything? Or is division only inferred?

the division is not really needed for this entire sensation to be as it is.

Stories pop up about "Right now thought images are not popping up so much, (implied part now) but later I won't be able to see this anymore and how can I guarantee to get this back reliably?"

hui.

Check it out. Notice the “sheet”.
On one side of the sheet, what is there?
On the other side, what is there?

it defies mental images.
it can be welcomed.
it feels like the sensation is habitually "pushed away".

suddenly it feels like there's an area, where the sheet "is not". Implying division. There's nothing really.
It's the stomach that is felt.

attention moves from this "nothingness" to "sheet".

Heart flares up and pain is assumed. no pain comes.
body tingling now, like carbonated water.

If there truly is a boundary, there must be two things separated by it. Can both sides be found?

there's a hesistancy to look noticed, like I know the answer already and don't want that answer (or something like that)!
also, without mental images, sides to this are not really a thing anymore. It just changes, labeled "looking at this side, that side".




(some more work came in, need to check that out for now)

feeling the body really, wholy, yet there seems to be some cave. Some shard missing or broken, around the heart.
What's missing or broken?

Yes. More looking here today.

there's hesistancy to look. there's "being afraid" of what will come, after "I am done with looking" so to speak.
When one starts digging, the rest seems to come on it's own terms.
And I see that is a lot of story. But I do remember at times sinking into quite a deal of mental unwellness. It was intense. A lot of dark stories flooded my head.
I think I just wanted so say that to someone.

I'm really done with all that story stuff.
This is the way, there's no avoiding it wanted.

What's missing or broken?

the "heart" answers
a mental image of "body" comes.
about the heart sensation.

I can be here. Breath here.
Feeling tenseness in my forehead.
Other sensations in the body (legs, torso) are better described as "soreness" perhaps.
"Soreness" spreads as "intensity" through the leg now.
whole body.
Some of the "heart" sensation feels less more relaxed right now.
Energy comes wave after wave through the body.

Some heckling with sadness comes. it makes more sense to not call this sadness right now. what is it?
It feels like something spreading through the intestines. it's felt in the stomach.
it might just be a relaxation spreading.

feelings of "uncertainty" come.

What's missing or broken?

feelings of intensity felt in the foot, soreness in the upper leg.

the feeling of "missing or broken" get's more subtle, I think.

It's hard to phrase, but that phenomenon of "division" is underlying the "broken" sensation as well.
it feels something about the heart is divided.
that is felt throughout the left arm.


getting too distracted and it seems a different kind of shadow work comes. about insecurities and abondonment I think.