The Gate

think I found another reoccurring thought:)

it's about doubt, that "I am not good enough to see this"
and about doubting experiences like >finding no witness< because there's the sentiment that
"I couldn't possibly be good enough to have noticed that".

there's an anger in that.
the anger of someone trying to hold a chest shut with all his might screaming "S*** THE F*** UP" to what ever is inside.
Ah, just really felt like typing this specific image out to "channel" this emotion maybe.
Or it's as if the anger is screaming "you'll never be good enough".

the sensation moves throughout the body. relaxation and tension.

I hope it doesn't scare you, when I'm writing like that.
I don't know where these images are really coming from, but in direct experience it's, of course, just all pretty okay here. You know? :)
I think it might still be a lot to read on some days, so saying I'm all very okay here with these things feels important. Also like what I said recently about the "life is a prison assumption. that just felt really good to notice

This is the shadow work. It happens sooner or it happens later but it cannot be bypassed when ripe to make itself seen, so I acknowledge that there is not the fleeing and that there is the noticing of the impulse to distract. That means these underlying beliefs are keys that unlock big doors.

Is compassion a practice?

Could any of this have been found ‘on purpose’? Does what has been discovered here happen by will? Whose?

An addiction to thoughts is an addiction to the self structure :) I mean like 99.99% of the world operates this way.

What does believing this give you? Whats the payoff to ‘you’?

What does not being good enough provide? Is it True? What sensations underlie that belief? Can the grip be loosened on whatever that is?

Where are the prison walls? Who is inside?

Write when you can, as you are moved, and enjoy the festival.

oh i feel such joy today reading your message:)

before answering your question, something else positioned itself front and center;

there's a sensation here labeled as "adversion to teachings / practice". Really strong actually. It's a reoccurring thing.
I think another day this is what I interpreted as "practice is hard/difficult/exhausting".
I feel the usual moving of sensation (tension/relaxation) underneath that interpretation.

somehow a self image asserted itself and was immeditaly in conflict with the moving.
Like trying to project a movie onto a moving canvas, that... ah, enough explanation.

Is compassion a practice?

Well.. it can be recognized.
It doesn't quite come right now, "as I remember it from yesterday".
Yeah, feel stuck on this one
That feeling of stuckness is interesting though.
There a bits and pieces of "self worth" tied into it.
Avoidance is noticed around all of this.
Back to the sensation that feels like "this is difficult"
Thoughts provide an escape from this sensation.
but it's still here. entering the muscles of the legs, upper legs now.
"Losing the plot" of what I'm investigating here, guess it's just about trusting then. Flying blind, wohoo.
Seeing it's "already 3:30pm" here I feel overwhelming dread of "wasting my life"
(even though I'm not writing it, I'm mostly just sitting with the body sensation. a lot of distractions come, but the focus comes back.)

SO, is compassion a practice? I don't know.

Could any of this have been found ‘on purpose’?
Does what has been discovered here happen by will?
Whose?
Honestly, don't know. There's no such thing as will really. There's wanting and desire, sure.
I don't know, why I would differentiate that, but here am typing; there's no will here. There's no force of action.
No willing direction in the stream.
Just stream.

Just things happening.

A "who" feels like an unneeded appendix, bolted on. Less solid than that.

(about addiction to self structure) What does believing this give you? Whats the payoff to ‘you’?

solidity?
ah, there's scared of that or rather of not having it.
there's an expectation around that.
OOoooohhhohoo Beeeecc :{
there's relaxing into the question. oooooh man.

well... I get to be someone.
I get to hold onto past and memories. but is that really so valuable?
there's this story of "improving "(me)"
there's a pinch of protection from "feeling like a loser" coming up around that.

oh, hours pass just staring at this, feeling into this.

There's somehow a payoff of being able to judge things.
as good (for me) and bad (for me).
There's a position.
there's also something about "protection".
About Existence.

What does not being good enough provide? Is it True? What sensations underlie that belief? Can the grip be loosened on whatever that is?

protection from expactations maybe. there's a fear of being not good enough, you know?
asking "what if I'm not good enough" it comes the expectation that the whole world will abondon me.
I am afraid of trying and failing. What others will think of me, do to me.
but I'm also afraid of others beeing dissapointed in me and just having no value.
I guess "having no value" still feels the same.

Where are the prison walls? Who is inside?

The walls seem to be thoughts concerning reality.

I want to say "I am inside", but I can't quite find me, just tension.



---


I find it very hard not to feel like I'm wasting my life, seeing the day go by.
So that's really interesting.
There is judgement in that, a lot of it.
And expectation.
Why doesn't this feel like it's um... what I'm supposed to do with my life?
What am I expecting to?

There's a conflict in that.

but i dont think i have that confrontation in me longer for today.

lots of love!

Lol I think without some aversion to teaching/practice is necessary. This is entirely a solo affair. There is a ‘should’ that often emerges with ‘practice,’ the bargain of ‘well if I did it right I would be somewhere else but here’…

What is the embodied component of ‘wasting my life’?

well... I get to be someone.
I get to hold onto past and memories. but is that really so valuable?
there's this story of "improving "(me)"
there's a pinch of protection from "feeling like a loser" coming up around that.

oh, hours pass just staring at this, feeling into this.

There's somehow a payoff of being able to judge things.
as good (for me) and bad (for me).
There's a position.
there's also something about "protection".
About Existence.

Excellent. Keep going, just like this…

Is it possible to hold onto past, memories, or anything at all?

What if there never was a judge?

Does anyone have ‘value’? Is that a thing that exists?


Also I am genuinely curious what a not wasted life would look like… not the idea of one, or thoughts about it, or grandiose self-images, but how would you imagine it to feel?

Hi Becca :)

Also I am genuinely curious what a not wasted life would look like… not the idea of one, or thoughts about it, or grandiose self-images, but how would you imagine it to feel?

Grand and content. A bit happy.
There's a sensation underneath that label, that can be felt right now / already.
Interesting to notice: I could easily label that same sensation as "hurt" and it would work as well.

There is a ‘should’ that often emerges with ‘practice,’ the bargain of ‘well if I did it right I would be somewhere else but here’…

oh yeah, that one hits home.
I just really wanna see it. Or, you know, see that it's less than I thought or whatever.
Really, to feel that hint of not having to deal with a "me", maintain that, constantly work towards betting a "me" (i.e. oh, *now* I can this and that, I am better than before")
it's just a lot. at times a great deal of self hatred flares up. I guess it has to be that way.
But it's also, you know, selfing.

What is the embodied component of ‘wasting my life’?

right now it's pulsing tension in the left foot apparently.
pressure around the eyes and forehead. Chest, hands.. legs and foot again.

Is it possible to hold onto past, memories, or anything at all?

(trying to find a way to do this exercise "the easy way" and just answer)
there's a knowing, loving sensation here.

What if there never was a judge?

that wouldn't be bad.
it's good and easy to feel into this.

Does anyone have ‘value’? Is that a thing that exists?

Something responds, labeling this one as "very heavy and hurtful to answer".
it feels like there's a sort of "package" of sensations stashed and sealed here.

Getting ready for bed now.
you know, it's just crazy. I have this expectations that people coming to LU usually only need a couple of days and they are good. Is it really "so much" or am i just calling it that? I should go to bed.

Good night Becc

Grand and content. A bit happy.
There's a sensation underneath that label, that can be felt right now / already.
Interesting to notice: I could easily label that same sensation as "hurt" and it would work as well.

:)

Read this again a few times.

I have this expectations that people coming to LU usually only need a couple of days

Stories. Imaginary timelines.
What does comparing actually accomplish right now?


If there were no awakening to achieve, no timeline to meet, and no judge keeping score, what would be wrong with this day?

What does comparing actually accomplish right now?

Well, the comparing hurts. Stresses and tenses.
That's what the body says.

If there were no awakening to achieve, no timeline to meet, and no judge keeping score, what would be wrong with this day?

I feel like on the way to an answer I get lost in thought too much. This is believing in a past somewhat. A past where I was lost in thought, and now I notice that

Another attempt to answer:

I guess it's just a day.

Im in my head a lot at times, very much suffering.
At times hesitant to believe, that everything could be perfectly fine in the moment, just being in the body.

There's what I called an addiction to thinking observed here. I notice what you mean by this being an addiction to self. It seems like every thought comes with context implying a self with a story

Very good. Thoughts want awakening to be a dramatic revelation that permanently settles everything. Yet here you are, looking at a day, and finding… a day.

Well, the comparing hurts. Stresses and tenses.
That's what the body says.

Bravo.
I is a lie, and the body knows that.

What does the body point the way to when there is relaxation?



Also, WHO cares what habit has been there??. The noticing of that is another loop of comparing. Keep looking and seeing through NOW.

Can the implied self ever be found separately from the thought?

Uh, I want something that permanently settles everything, yeah.

It does feel alient to the body though, that sentence.

Reading what you wrote feels spacious and less cramped.

I is a lie, and the body knows that.

Starting to read that sentence "I was sure I'd feel anxious (...about expectations maybe? Dunno).
But feeling into the body everything was fine, which was a suprise.

There's something that rejects these teachings and maybe the explanations for that (like expectations) are not real. And maybe shadow material, but maybe even those stories are not real.

Okay

What does the body point the way to when there is relaxation?

Nothing to hold, that is.
Breathing.
Also nothing sticks to it.
It even permeates tension.
Freedom.
A shower of colours.
Opaque in their nature (oh now what is that supposed to mean?)

Also, WHO cares what habit has been there??. The noticing of that is another loop of comparing.

Uh, there that opaque quality...
In front and around the observer.
Theres tension in my stomach.
There's an appearing and slight fleeting of "me"
There's a wish for more dissapearing of "me"

Emotions and sensations can come along with the thought of a "me".

Can the implied self ever be found separately from the thought?

That is interesting. Tension can be found.
I guess that's not separate from thought anyway.

There's something that rejects these teachings and maybe the explanations for that (like expectations) are not real

What rejects? Again, follow the body. No teaching, no other, can see this from there. A thought of another’s method or seeing will always remain in the realm of thought.

Sitting in a room, curtains closed, you wonder what the weather is like outside. You can think about it, look it up on the internet, watch the forecast on TV, call your mother and ask her - or you can simply open the curtains and have a look…

There's an appearing and slight fleeting of "me"
There's a wish for more dissapearing of "me"

Are these appearances a problem? Notice too the appearances of the mechanism that checks everything against another thought… can you stay out for just a moment with what is and not check back? Not follow what is thought about what is?

Hi Becc!
I'm back from the festival. I didn't had internet for some days, but took notes about inquieries that were coming. I'm not sure if they are relevant, I'll put them at the end of the text, so you can skip them, if they are not.

There's something that rejects these teachings....

....A thought of another’s method or seeing will always remain in the realm of thought.

Oh, I worded that poorly. I am confident this is the way. Especially because of that "rejection" thing I feel.
There's occasionally a strong aversion to really looking, really confronting, and I feel like that aversion itself is valuable to look at. Oh I'm so sleep deprived, it's hard to form a normal sentence, wow.

an you stay out for just a moment with what is and not check back?

wait, there's something up with that. The feeling of a confusion biting it's own tail.
There are assumptions around this, I could probably put some of them into words.
yes yes yes yes, there's an expectation to find something.
oh it's almost scary to find nothing.
ah, now there's just thinking about finding nothing.
I'll take a walk


Lots of love :)
Nils

START OF NOTES

There is some stuff coming. Desires having an element of "you can have that, you can get even closer to having it, by being infatuates with this thought"

----


I guess when just "letting things come as they come and looking at them"
There's a fear of losing control coming, that says: "if I don't do anything,I can't work towards awakening"

The small Becc in my head asks: "working toward awakening? Can such a thing be done"

Well, I don't know, Becc in my head. I guess I thought so. There's a movement here saying "what else (could possibly work)?"
What else?

That question seems to be underlying the fear of losing control about awakening. There's genuine wondering about that.

What is there to work towards to?

This feels like a confrontation, working through the body.


---

The self does come up with thought, sometimes as hidden context, but very much there.

Between thoughts, no self can be found

This is all felt in intuition, though very lightly only.

there's an assumption that enlightenment is something that could happen "to me"

Or…
could it happen without you?
Already always present in all the spaces in between

Is ‘not awake’ always only a thought?

There's a fear of losing control coming, that says: "if I don't do anything,I can't work towards awakening"

Circling back to this post:

imagine for a moment a scene, one of a little mountain stream which is tumbling down a hillside gully, not far from its source. It has been raining and so the level is quite high.

Consider in your mind's eye, if you can, how it flows to the right over a little rock (where, had the level been lower, it would probably have gone around the rock), then the flow goes to the left over a tree bow, and then slows a little in a broader place, before splashing over a small cascade into a pool, and so on down the mountain side.

Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground etc? Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

1. Can you find anywhere where 'Nils' autonomously intervenes into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?
2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, or to wear the gloves and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are color preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look hip and cool for that person!) etc. Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life? Can you find someone somewhere?
3. Can anything be found for which 'Nils' is responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?