The Gate

Hi John,

Good to hear that you are staying with it. In the discomfort, not turning away.

Without a thought, there is only this. Only silence. No John. No person.

That’s it. Simply this.
Now without thought is there a past or a future? Was there ever a John?

Still seems that if behind the thoughts and sensations is an observer not “awaring.” If that makes sense.

Look closer. Right now, is there an actual thing observing? Or is there just observation, happening by itself, with no center? If you don’t assume an observer, does one appear?

One thing I’ve notice is the ability to be with discomfort more without trying to distract. Like I want to stare into the discomfort. It’s not as fearful.

This is everything. What seems in the way is the way.

A thought. No clue where it comes from. Literally seems like it is a magic trick. Arises from thin air. I also can watch the movement of the thinker/thought. It’s pretty fascinating. Maddening as well.

Yes. Seeing through thoughts is fundamental to seeing through self. They come from nowhere, go nowhere, belong to no one. The “thinker” is just another thought. Catch this in real time. Watch the mind say, “I thought that,” and then see—was there actually a you doing it, or did it just appear?

I did notice in direct experience yesterday whatever awareness is or isn’t, it’s nothing. A blankness. I really sunk into the experience saw for the first time possibly there is nothing here. A contradiction from above but it was like “shit, there is nothing here.”

Stay with this. Is there nothing or is there just not someone? If there is no “John,” no self anywhere, what remains?

In gratitude,
Becca

That’s it. Simply this.
Now without thought is there a past or a future? Was there ever a John?

It appears without thought about past or future, there isn’t a John. Only an experience of senses. John was taught and then a series of thoughts.

Look closer. Right now, is there an actual thing observing? Or is there just observation, happening by itself, with no center? If you don’t assume an observer, does one appear?

The observer seems to appear when there is attention to a thought or sensation or hearing or looking. Otherwise it is a nothingness to it or aliveness.

One thing I’ve notice is the ability to be with discomfort more without trying to distract. Like I want to stare into the discomfort.

This is everything. What seems in the way is the way.

Yes, it’s not always easy. It appears to be effortful to stay with a sensation or not distract. The mind is a trickster and Catastrophizer making it difficult at times to stay with a ln uncomfortable thought or sensation.

Catching the “I thought this” or credit. I need to investigate this further. Looked and many thoughts a subtly being assumed to be made by me. But I have seen enough from randomness of thoughts that it’s not me.

I did notice in direct experience yesterday whatever awareness is or isn’t, it’s nothing. A blankness. I really sunk into the experience saw for the first time possibly there is nothing here. A contradiction from above but it was like “shit, there is nothing here.”
Stay with this. Is there nothing or is there just not someone? If there is no “John,” no self anywhere, what remains?

Maybe not a John but a beingness or something is what it seems. Like an aliveness. Definitely haven’t experienced a deep recognition but glimpses of the no John. Intellectually it makes perfect sense. The years of conditioning, beliefs, misunderstanding of what I really am or am not. A mental prison.

Much appreciation,

John

This “beingness” you mention—does it require a “John” to exist? Or is it simply here, undeniable, without an owner? Look. Right now. Without thought, without referring back—what is present?

Maybe go for a walk, see the birds, feel the wind, smell the air…
As you move, notice:
There’s movement.
There’s sensation.
There’s seeing.
There’s hearing.
But is there a “you” doing it? Or is it all just happening?

Can you locate a center that is “doing” the seeing? Or is it all just happening on its own?

If you don’t assume a self, does one appear?

Before thought labels everything—before it claims ownership—what is actually effortlessly here?

Hi Becca,

Wanted to see if you could give me some guidance on a situation.

Here is the long and short. For months, a co-worker and I have been at odds. Definitely, a "me" thing. I have been truly trying to see that this is arising because I need to look at it. Life teaching and showing me that I have work to do. The mind has been running incessantly finding constant complaints about this person. I am watching it but have gotten pulled into it especially when the sensations arising in conjunction with the thoughts.

I see it is my own doubts and insecurities running the show instead of accepting. I also know it is a power thing. Although I am trying to "grow" out of that. The insecurity lies in doubting my own competency. Intellectually not true. I know I am competent. However, the mind is nonstop with it.

How do you suggest I inquire into this? This morning while meditating, I tried to feel and allow. The sensations were very strong and consuming. Certainly, it felt that my body was trying to show me or wanted me to see. What can I do further? I don't want to distract. And think since working with you, I am welcoming things more than pushing them away. I don't want to ignore these things any longer.

It is like the mind is on overdrive lately.

Thank you in advance for your help.

John

Ah, what a gift!

From a wide lens, can it be seen that this person is also moving through the world on automatic, a product of the thoughts and belief structure they hold? Also a no self in the illusion of a separate self? Their actions and words represent their own paradigm and thus have nothing to do with you. It isn’t personal.

I think you already see this since you know it is a ‘me’ thing, so let’s dive in.

There is something here that is being activated in the body, probably something very old. Drop the entire story around it being about this person and dive headfirst into the sensations themselves. Sit with them certainly, but also WELCOME them. They are indeed trying to show you something.

Follow the discomfort. Feel into its edges and boundaries, without any interpretation, let it consume you fully, and then gently ask it, “what do you want me to see?” and/or “what do you want?” And just sit and see what answer emerges. Be attentive, It may not communicate in words. You can answer follow up questions if an opportunity for conversation with it emerges.

Part two of this exercise is to peer behind the sensation, and to see what it is working so hard to protect. This makes absolutely no logical sense, so stay out of thoughts and give it a go and let me know what you see. What is it protecting?

One more thought… It isn’t anything you can ‘grow’ out of, this resistance is likely foundational to the sense of self. There is a core belief about what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ that this person is bumping up against… find it and we will inquire together if it is true.

-Becca

Ok, I will do this in a few hours. Thank you!

Gift:)?

It is. I know that.

From a wide lens, can it be seen that this person is also moving through the world on automatic, a product of the thoughts and belief structure they hold? Also a no self in the illusion of a separate self? Their actions and words represent their own paradigm and thus have nothing to do with you. It isn’t personal.

I get this. And I definitely their own paradigm.

I think you already see this since you know it is a ‘me’ thing, so let’s dive in.

There is something here that is being activated in the body, probably something very old. Drop the entire story around it being about this person and dive headfirst into the sensations themselves. Sit with them certainly, but also WELCOME them. They are indeed trying to show you something.

How do I welcome them? I think I am but the sensations seem to persist.

No doubt old. These sensations have been with nearly nonstop for the past 5 years and much of the last 20.

Follow the discomfort. Feel into its edges and boundaries, without any interpretation, let it consume you fully, and then gently ask it, “what do you want me to see?” and/or “what do you want?” And just sit and see what answer emerges. Be attentive, It may not communicate in words. You can answer follow up questions if an opportunity for conversation with it emerges.

I did this. There isn’t a boundary but a seemingly central area. No edges. A ball of hot fur.

I didn’t get much of a response to the question. I’ve done this before she have gotten wanting peace, lack of worry, not to be afraid. Not as much today.

Part two of this exercise is to peer behind the sensation, and to see what it is working so hard to protect. This makes absolutely no logical sense, so stay out of thoughts and give it a go and let me know what you see. What is it protecting?

It doesn’t appear to be anything behind. But I need to investigate further. I wasn’t sure how to look behind it. Not sure if anything is being protected.

One more thought… It isn’t anything you can ‘grow’ out of, this resistance is likely foundational to the sense of self. There is a core belief about what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ that this person is bumping up against… find it and we will inquire together if it is true.

So much resistance. All the time. I have no control over it. And I guess that’s because there isn’t a me but it’s not resonating.


The core belief is not being good enough. Been the theme of anxiety and insecurity for a long time. It is a story. No doubt. The story keeps playing like on repeat.

How do I welcome them? I think I am but the sensations seem to persist.

No doubt old. These sensations have been with nearly nonstop for the past 5 years and much of the last 20.

By being present with them without the agenda that being with them will make them stop.

Can you release even the attachment to how long it has been and welcome them fresh, in this moment?

It doesn’t appear to be anything behind. But I need to investigate further. I wasn’t sure how to look behind it. Not sure if anything is being protected.

Keep looking. Not with the thoughts that are asking how to look or saying you aren’t good enough at it or don’t know enough to do it. Just look.

So much resistance. All the time. I have no control over it. And I guess that’s because there isn’t a me but it’s not resonating.

What is resisting what?

Don’t answer from the head. Feel into it. There’s a sensation, yes? A tightening, a holding? Now look closer—what’s actually holding? Can you find something that is doing the resisting?

If it’s just happening, without a you controlling it, then who is suffering because of it?

Sit with this. Drop all effort. What happens when ‘resistance’ is allowed to be exactly as it is, without a single move to change it?

The core belief is not being good enough. Been the theme of anxiety and insecurity for a long time. It is a story. No doubt. The story keeps playing like on repeat

You’ve already seen that this is a story. But look deeper—what’s fueling it? What would happen if the story completely vanished right now? No trace of it, no lingering doubt, no need to resolve it—just gone.

What remains? Is there anything missing? Or is it only the habit of returning to the story that keeps it alive?

By being present with them without the agenda that being with them will make them stop.

Can you release even the attachment to how long it has been and welcome them fresh, in this moment?
It doesn’t appear to be anything behind. But I need to investigate further. I wasn’t sure how to look behind it. Not sure if anything is being protected.
Keep looking. Not with the thoughts that are asking how to look or saying you aren’t good enough at it or don’t know enough to do it. Just look.

It appears it’s just a sensation. Nothing else. Without thought, it just “this.” With thoughts, suffering. The thoughts are so subtle when it comes to pain/discomfort. I never see a thought, almost implies, “this hurts.”

What is resisting what?

Don’t answer from the head. Feel into it. There’s a sensation, yes? A tightening, a holding? Now look closer—what’s actually holding? Can you find something that is doing the resisting?

If it’s just happening, without a you controlling it, then who is suffering because of it?

It’s like an automatic program running. It’s resisting itself. Or in some way my not wanting it to be here, keeps it here.

The dropping effort is tough. I feel trying to relax. Again, I think it’s a conditioned reaction. I know it’s not me. But I do feel helpless to it. It doesn’t want to dissipate. If I personify it, it is a restless ball of energy wanting to release but doesn’t.

You’ve already seen that this is a story. But look deeper—what’s fueling it? What would happen if the story completely vanished right now? No trace of it, no lingering doubt, no need to resolve it—just gone.

I don’t know what’s fueling it- thought? I think if it vanished so would all the suffering. Feels ingrained.

What remains? Is there anything missing? Or is it only the habit of returning to the story that keeps it alive?

Without resistance and though, it’s nothing. Blank. I believe it’s a habit that keeps repeating.

Keep it rolling!!! Thank you!

Without thought, it just “this.” With thoughts, suffering

Yes! That’s the whole game. The moment a thought, however subtle, arises to suggest—“this hurts,” “this shouldn’t be here,” “I want this to stop”—that’s where the suffering happens.

It doesn’t want to dissipate. If I personify it, it is a restless ball of energy wanting to release but doesn’t.

Can you clarify this? This restless ball of energy, is this a sensation you are describing? Is it directly experienced? Or is it a thought that is creating an image of a ball of energy wanting to release?

Close your eyes. Breathe.
What is here that is not a thought?
Spend 10 or 20 minutes just looking.
What is here that is not a thought?
If you have doubts about doing this correctly, notice that these doubts are thoughts.
If emotions arise feel into where they are centered in the body and notice if they are tied to an underlying thought.

Write back with anything you notice that is not a thought.

Just checking in to see how everything has been unfolding…

Becca

Thank you for reaching out. As I said, work responsibilities have been pretty overwhelming. Yesterday that ended. I am very excited to really dive back deep into things. Last 3-4 weeks have been a blur.

Current status, struggling to see the truth in things. I think work along with the “story” that plays in the mind/body is kicking my butt.

Feel very vulnerable about everything. Insecurity. Never have felt this “broken” before. Like the ego is battling itself. I try to stand back and observe. Pretty powerful. Every seems like a battle.

I see it’s me. The story. But it’s tough.

Great.

Yes, it’s tough because the ego is fighting for survival. It will throw everything at you in thoughts—fear, doubt, insecurity—because it knows it’s being seen for what it is: a story.

Can the idea of battle be examined? Is there a villain ‘ego’ or is that just another layer of the story? If you look directly, what do you find? What is being directly experienced right now?

Looking forward to seeing what emerges

Right now- breathing, seeing, hearing, thinking, feeling. The mind hijacks that. Plays its story. The villain so to speak is just thoughts. Just thinking. I know it and see it. Body reacts to the thinking. Becomes a big mess of dis-ease.

Here's an exercise that I would like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Strip away the labels and stories from each aspect of a daily activity, noticing simply color/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation or thought (the thought existing not its content).

So for example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup, simply= image/color
Smelling coffee, simply = smell
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought

Send me a few lists formatted like the above from your adventure with this exercise and let me know how it goes and what you notice.