Hellou friends

[Elad]

Oh and lets stop for now with daily structure with three points. Just stay with my questions from today and if you want more input for looking, do this exercise:


Seeing Exercise

The usual belief that 'I am this body' is usually tied in with the belief that the body as a separate item is responsible or 'DOING' the senses - 'I see', 'I hear', 'I feel' etc

We will begin with 'seeing' - Just that one sense on its own.

Close your eyes.

With eyes closed, you will now experience 'blackness'. There may be other things you can find going on, sure. If you are looking at a bright light, there may be a red glow. There may be sparkly bits or cloudy flecks appearing and disappearing - It really doesn't matter about the specifics.
Just to make things simple, whatever you can see with eyes closed, I'm going to refer to it as 'black' or 'blackness' just for simplicity.

1) With eyes closed, can you confirm that what is experienced is 'blackness' as I mentioned?

2) Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'blackness'?

3) Can what is witnessing the blackness be found?

4) Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', a person be found that is witnessing the blackness? Or is there just 'blackness' to be found?

What do you find?

Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the see-er, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

[WoollyShower]

Oh and lets stop for now with daily structure with three points. Just stay with my questions from today and if you want more input for looking, do this exercise:

Hi Elad

Can you please elaborate the change of the structure in a bit more detail? I do not understand it. :)

I am assuming that I am still going to write here every day, right?

What am I writing about?

[WoollyShower]

Get a sense things are moving beautifully. Maybe paradoxically to enjoy and benefit even more from the seeing that is happening, it will help to let go more of all expectations for more release/change/joy/effortlessness... What happens if you let go as fully as possible of any expectations for anything else than just what is seen and allow how it feels no more no less?

Oh and inspired by this message I've been writing a list of thing that I've noticed how they changed, in which way there is more openness etc. It has been useful to increase the motivation :)

Because I realised that what got me in this corner of seeing how things are NOT moving was answering your question number 2 every day

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

Which had my system focusing on how things are NOT moving every day. Do you understand what I mean?

I'm sharing this in case it is useful for you as feedback for guiding the process.

[WoollyShower]

I was not able to write today. I'll write again tomorrow. Hope you had a good day

[Elad]

Get a sense things are moving beautifully. Maybe paradoxically to enjoy and benefit even more from the seeing that is happening, it will help to let go more of all expectations for more release/change/joy/effortlessness... What happens if you let go as fully as possible of any expectations for anything else than just what is seen and allow how it feels no more no less?

Oh and inspired by this message I've been writing a list of thing that I've noticed how they changed, in which way there is more openness etc. It has been useful to increase the motivation :)

Because I realised that what got me in this corner of seeing how things are NOT moving was answering your question number 2 every day

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

Which had my system focusing on how things are NOT moving every day. Do you understand what I mean?

I'm sharing this in case it is useful for you as feedback for guiding the process.

Hi Synes, yes this is all helpful. Good to hear, please share the list of benefits noticed. And please write every day. Change just that we let go of the format with the "question one and two plus exercise response as standard, let it be more fluid for now and continue discover.

[Elad]

"Who's thinking, if it's not me?"

Do you see the assumption here is that there needs to be someone. Can that be verified in direct experience or is it just a belief?

If you don't let stories and assumptions about how seeing should be and what experiences and changes it should lead to (= not direct experience) get in the way, then how does it feel to see?

And please respond to these questions 🙏

[WoollyShower]

Today was an intense and full day. I'm longing for some silence to rest and recover after the operation. Here's the list of things I've noticed moving.

I wrote this for myself initially so let's see if it translates to you:

Get a sense things are moving beautifully. Maybe paradoxically to enjoy and benefit even more from the seeing that is happening, it will help to let go more of all expectations for more release/change/joy/effortlessness... What happens if you let go as fully as possible of any expectations for anything else than just what is seen and allow how it feels no more no less?

There is doubt associated with that. There are complex and slow moving thought constructs in the way.

There is an effortful "trying to figure it out", doing it like a task. I need to focus, to prove my dedication. Checklists.

Yet there is also freedom in that, it feels like something big is freeing itself from some kind of clumpy slow moving swamp.

I can feel your kindness more now in your messages, that's a change i noticed. There is more trust.

Also my visual imagination started opening up, swirls, shapes, some trees. It's very restless but nice exciting. I'm wondering if it's the maybe related to the strong painkillers I'm getting in the hospital but I'm hopeful. No it happened today again and i haven't taken any painkillers at all day.

Now I also starting to notice what you said that I wasn't able to see before. You mentioned that I was interpreting your words as hostile. I found this presentation on effects of childhood trauma and there is a list of things that tracks with that and other things that i started to realise about myself. Being here in the hospital for a few days people are very friendly. But now on the last day there came this idea more and more present that they must despise me. I'm exhausted and making myself small in this routine of bed, toilet, food, blood test,...

A lot of hatred and judgement towards myself is coming up.

In this talk about childhood trauma which is a list of all the most common expressions of it and I noticed that many of them I recognise in myself have actually moved and either moved more into my awareness and other resolved.

The vibrations are back again. I thought they were because of the painkillers but now they're happening also without the painkillers. And I asked my partner to check if they're seeing them on my body but they couldn't so I guess it's not physical. But it's quite strong and consistent..

I'm somehow more funny and lively when I talk to people. Especially on the phone.

More flexible and intuitive and flowy with doing things.

Healers and shapes of people in the hospital again, in my peripheral vision. More clear somehow. Sensing their personality from their movement and posture.

More creativity. Coming up with simple and engaging ways to convey complex spiritual experiences to friends.

I noticed doing rituals for myself without any thoughts or emotions (self) having to pressure or plan for it to happen. Sensed some snooping energy in my room after coming home from the hospital. Smudged the space and myself and my wounds which would anyway be a good idea after returning from the operation.

Starting to notice more and more parts that I've not had the capacity yet to welcome and thank them and tell them i love them. Like they were always knocking and I pushed them back habitually from a sense of subtle fear. Then whispering "i love myself, i trust myself, i honour myself, i value myself into my glass of water before drinking it"

Scanning my body in the night for many hours. Decluttering, emptying ancient structures. Asking for help from guides to lift heavy steel foundations from my body. Emptying my body from parts. Complete inner renovation, extraction of everything, all structures. Like the end of a party only a few stragglers still around. Finding some strange places under the floorboards etc.

I'm laughing wholeheartedly with my friends, and while watching a tv show that i watch a lot where I usually don't laugh.

Had a shouting argument with my Roomate after she kept taking things the wrong way, hearing it through her past experiences not what I was actually saying. I am needing A LOT of care and slowness in my surrounding after the operation and people don't seem to understand that at all. Had to explain it to my partner the previous two days and... Anyway the content doesn't matter that much here the main point is: I've always been quiet and shy. Controlling my emotions since as far as I can remember. taking it. I felt calm before and after.

[Elad]

Wonderful.

Is there anything you need to control?
Is there anything you can really control?

Is any of what seems to be "your controlling efforts" needed or helpful in DE?


Not asking if responsible thoughtful behavior is called for in some contexts conventionally speaking. Of course. Asking if upon looking in DE any of it happens through/needs a separate efforting you.

[WoollyShower]

Is there anything you need to control?

Hmm, good questions. Let's see. First thing that comes to mind would be learning a new skill. This reminds me of when I shot my first short film back in art uni, we used a remake of the "mechanical turk" chess robot mechanical arm from 1770 to move chess pieces. And I came on set and didn't think to test drive the arm before and it turned out that it was actually pretty hard and counterintuitive to use. And I was not able to get it to do as I was trying to figure it out. It was very frustrating and confusing. And the lights and everything was set up, the crew was waiting to film and I was messing around trying to get the arm to pick up chess pieces from the table. Then I realised that instead of trying to "figure it out" which had a lot of thinking and "trying" to control in the way, i would instead focus on the chess figure and just try and pick it up. Without thinking oh if I move the mechanism this way the hand moves that way. Just focus and try and catch it. And it worked. That was a major aha moment. That it's more about doing and focus than "figuring it out" or understanding. Ok so for learning control is not needed.

What else... Emergency situations? No. Presence is needed, trust and surrender. Not control. (I'm gonna skip the proof, but in my experience trying to control extreme situations makes them worse.)

Playing the guitar? No. Singing? No. The opposite is true. The more I let go and the more I am ok with also potentially atonal things coming out of my mouth, the more beautiful the results are. And then I can use my focus and attention to adjust and refine some of the notes or the expressions.

Creativity? No. Kissing? No. Talking? No. I used to have this inner critic who's job was to suppress my verbal expression but it disappeared after a panic attack last year and my life has radically changed for the better.

Ok so what's the opposite of control? Chaos. So maybe to get into flow state from chaos the strategy could be to counterbalance chaos with control. That might be a valid usecase. But then again I don't think it works tbh. Like ADHD is very chaotic. But controlling my symptoms by masking creates a lot of pain and stuckness. Not really best usecase either. Also it's impossible. Parents and teachers used to tell me: Synes, just focus! Stop getting distracted! Looking back at that time what I did to "focus" more was to tense my body and control my breathing in order which would do something. And cause a lot of damage in me over time. Don't wanna go into details there. Anyway. After trying ADHD meds for the first time it was like this AHA! moment, "now that's what they wanted me to do when they said 'just focus' - no, I literally cannot do that, that is impossible for me"

Now I'm getting angry at the lack of empathy or what, the whole situation

Anyway the attempt at "controlling" my focus did waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaaay more damage than it was worth. Like it didn't really do anything.

Can I ask you the question as well? I'm curious reading what I'm writing I get the hunch that control is what's in the way. Does that track for you or do you have something in mind where control is actually not in the way but even useful? There must me something, no?

Is there anything you can really control?

I cannot control my thinking. I cannot control my attention, I cannot control the content of my thoughts, I cannot control getting distracted, I cannot control coming back from being distracted, I cannot control my ok
..I'm getting tired. I can't find anything that I could control right now. Control implies ownership. Agency. Oh this is a really interesting tangent.

The pain that comes from the difference of people doing something from their own agency vs if something is imposed on us. Like the same situation happening could be pleasant if there's agency but unplessant if there isn't. I've observed this so often in so many ways.

But so if I'd assume that we do not actually have control that would mean that having agency or not, is not actually about ownership of action but about avoiding suprise. Right?

Sorry, so about your question. I can't find anything I can control in direct experience. Maybe my awareness? I can bring a certain sense of softness to observing the sensations in my body. But that might be a thought, I'm not sure.

Is any of what seems to be "your controlling efforts" needed or helpful in DE?

Nooooooo, definitely not. It's what's in the way and I really really wish it would just stop already. Or like wait, "my controlling efforts" you wrote. My controlling efforts. I'm not sure if they are actually mine. They seem come preloaded with a sense of ownership but I didn't choose them, and I didn't choose them to be associated with selfing. I cannot control my controlling efforts. I just get associated with them for some reason.

[WoollyShower]

"Who's thinking, if it's not me?"
Do you see the assumption here is that there needs to be someone.

Yes, I see that it's an assumption. It's unthinkable that there is thinking happening without someone doing the thinking. If I try to imagine what thinking without a thinker would be like it says 404 file not found.

Can that be verified in direct experience or is it just a belief?

Can it be verified in DE that there is someome doing the thinking? No. Thinking is just happening. And the assumption that there is a thinker is not questioned.

It's a bit messy and tricky for me to investigate this because thoughts are very fast and I am very slow and there is a lot of doubt and worry. And some frustration. The sequence is not easy to follow. There is A LOT of mental movement. And now disappointment and sadness.

It's fast jumping over the question and just go with what I'm "supposed" to say, without deep & direct looking. I have to do it over and over and over again, go back to the question, read it again. Write some more, or start over.

Now that I do manage to do it for a bit longer there is silence. Instead I can sense a throbbing in the center of my brain. Omg this is very nice. It suprisingly doesn't need effort.

Now I'm inviting a bit of softness and heart into the awareness, to stabilise it. So it doesn't turn into grasping. I notice a small tendency to shift towards a doer, compulsive ownership of whats going on, some flavors of fear and worry. But it's suprisingly easy to balance since there is no antagonism to that inherent in the seeing.

A lot of fuss about nothing.

If you don't let stories and assumptions about how seeing should be and what experiences and changes it should lead to (= not direct experience) get in the way, then how does it feel to see?

Calm. Peaceful. Sweet. Open. Ok so somehow I always mistakenly assumed that it is supposed to be something specific. But it's nothing like that. Like something in me was looking for a... Something. It's unclear, undefined. Inward and outward facing proof. A goal. This is nice. There is still doubt. And fear. And worry.

Ok I want to bring some love and care and kindness to this now. So much pressure in this seeking. Very happy that it's not that. That it's not an achievement. That life doesn't require this level of pressure or understanding to unfold.

Thank you Elad, thank you for believing in me and trusting me. I feel small and sweet but also quite fierce and expansive at the same time. Curious to see how it will stabilise here.

There keeps popping up this thought that I need to do something to keep it now. I guess it's looking for a new job? It is welcome here too. Uncertainty. Worry. Ok I wanna get some food now. Talk to you tomorrow.

[Elad]

"Who's thinking, if it's not me?"
Do you see the assumption here is that there needs to be someone.

Yes, I see that it's an assumption. It's unthinkable that there is thinking happening without someone doing the thinking. If I try to imagine what thinking without a thinker would be like it says 404 file not found.

Can that be verified in direct experience or is it just a belief?

Can it be verified in DE that there is someome doing the thinking? No. Thinking is just happening. And the assumption that there is a thinker is not questioned.

It's a bit messy and tricky for me to investigate this because thoughts are very fast and I am very slow and there is a lot of doubt and worry. And some frustration. The sequence is not easy to follow. There is A LOT of mental movement. And now disappointment and sadness.

It's fast jumping over the question and just go with what I'm "supposed" to say, without deep & direct looking. I have to do it over and over and over again, go back to the question, read it again. Write some more, or start over.

Now that I do manage to do it for a bit longer there is silence. Instead I can sense a throbbing in the center of my brain. Omg this is very nice. It suprisingly doesn't need effort.

Now I'm inviting a bit of softness and heart into the awareness, to stabilise it. So it doesn't turn into grasping. I notice a small tendency to shift towards a doer, compulsive ownership of whats going on, some flavors of fear and worry. But it's suprisingly easy to balance since there is no antagonism to that inherent in the seeing.

A lot of fuss about nothing.

If you don't let stories and assumptions about how seeing should be and what experiences and changes it should lead to (= not direct experience) get in the way, then how does it feel to see?

Calm. Peaceful. Sweet. Open. Ok so somehow I always mistakenly assumed that it is supposed to be something specific. But it's nothing like that. Like something in me was looking for a... Something. It's unclear, undefined. Inward and outward facing proof. A goal. This is nice. There is still doubt. And fear. And worry.

Ok I want to bring some love and care and kindness to this now. So much pressure in this seeking. Very happy that it's not that. That it's not an achievement. That life doesn't require this level of pressure or understanding to unfold.

Thank you Elad, thank you for believing in me and trusting me. I feel small and sweet but also quite fierce and expansive at the same time. Curious to see how it will stabilise here.

There keeps popping up this thought that I need to do something to keep it now. I guess it's looking for a new job? It is welcome here too. Uncertainty. Worry. Ok I wanna get some food now. Talk to you tomorrow.

Right, lots of good seeing here.

"Yes, I see that it's an assumption. It's unthinkable that there is thinking happening without someone doing the thinking. If I try to imagine what thinking without a thinker would be like it says 404 file not found."

Right the "computer program" of language doesn't work without nouns and verbs, subject and object, and etc. And yet without thinking of a thinker no thinker is found.

What is controlling the inner stream of thoughts and understanding? If you sit really still and look...

[Elad]

What is controlling the inner voice, the inner narrating and meaning making and focus shifting?

[WoollyShower]

Hi Elad, I wasn't able to sit today, but I'll try again tomorrow

[WoollyShower]

What is controlling the inner stream of thoughts and understanding? If you sit really still and look...

I don't know if controlling is the right word but a lot of thoughts seems like they are propelled by fear, or like low key anxiety.

What is controlling the inner voice, the inner narrating and meaning making and focus shifting?

I don't know. I don't see anything controlling it. If I look I just see it happening.

[Elad]

What is controlling the inner stream of thoughts and understanding? If you sit really still and look...

I don't know if controlling is the right word but a lot of thoughts seems like they are propelled by fear, or like low key anxiety.

What is controlling the inner voice, the inner narrating and meaning making and focus shifting?

I don't know. I don't see anything controlling it. If I look I just see it happening.

What is Synes?

What is separation?

What is clear and simple, something even a baby or a 7 year old could potentially see?