The Gate

Conditioning, which I assigned to the self. Duh.

Are you assigning it?

I don't experience one moment giving away to the next, but somehow I feel there is a timeline. I am baking bread, I need to wait for it to rise. Time. This is really pushing some buttons, I feel a little upset, maybe even angry.

Where is the timeline? Can you see it?

Who is waiting for it to rise?

Ask the anger what it is about, and welcome it.

Oops, sent the last bit by mistake. I will continue.

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

When I sit and feel it, the present moment isn't moving at all. But for my life in general, I live in a timeline. Morning, Day, Night.

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began? How long does the ‘now’ last?

It is just one continuous moment.

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

It starts when I recognize it, and ends when I come out of it. I become aware of it, and then I think, and drop it.

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?

When i begin thinking.

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

It doesn't exist, except in thought.

Look at a thought about the past or the future, where is 'time' in that?

It is just a label I have been conditioned to believe. Thoughts cannot represent time. I can think of when I am 7, 8 ,9 years old, but I am putting them in a timeline. Actually that isn't even putting them in a timeline, it is all just thought and visualization. Time is thought!

Is there actual experience of ‘time’ or just thoughts about ‘time’?

Just thoughts about time. Everything about time is thought. I can sit without recognizing time, but thought wins eventually, almost always by a thought of what needs to get done. And here is a thought/story: I can't seem to stay with "IT" and perform tasks. Thoughts bring time, more thoughts, bla bla. The conditioned self.

Wow, thoughts about time have become much clearer, and I recognize the difference between thinking and 'IT'.
Gonna go make some bread.... and try to stay in 'IT'. :)

When I sit and feel it, the present moment isn't moving at all. But for my life in general, I live in a timeline. Morning, Day, Night.

Do you live in a timeline?

Where is you? And where is the timeline?

Just thoughts about time. Everything about time is thought. I can sit without recognizing time, but thought wins eventually, almost always by a thought of what needs to get done. And here is a thought/story: I can't seem to stay with "IT" and perform tasks. Thoughts bring time, more thoughts, bla bla. The conditioned self.

Wow, thoughts about time have become much clearer, and I recognize the difference between thinking and 'IT'.
Gonna go make some bread.... and try to stay in 'IT'. :)

Yes, this is more of an introduction to the illusory nature of time. Like with memory, not meant to delete the sense of time, but to question it.

Where is you? And where is the timeline?

I have such a distinct separation between 'IT' and self. The timeline is the doer Lori, and when I am in that mode, I am not aware of awareness. It does come into my attention with a feeling in my head, but if I cannot sit and let it take over, it just goes away.

Where is the timeline? Can you see it?
Who is waiting for it to rise?
Ask the anger what it is about, and welcome it.

i can see the timeline in my head, it is a loose linear arrangement of nondescript event.

Ahhhh! Who IS waiting for it to rise? No one. We are back to where we came from. LORI isn't real.

The anger is from the self. It doesn't like no time, as that where it lives! So, this ends with my friend, fear.

I am going to sit as much as possible with this, bringing the love to the fear.

Side note: Things seem to be changing a little for me with all of this inquiry. I am no longer being gripped so tightly with thoughts, I am seeing them, sometimes, for what they are: distractions. I am becoming bored with things that usually grip my attention. There are little nudges. The constant thought is sometimes moving in the background. So, it's baby steps, but that is linear time isn't it? There is a fog, but perhaps not so thick as it was.
Thanks so much Henri!

Side note: Things seem to be changing a little for me with all of this inquiry. I am no longer being gripped so tightly with thoughts, I am seeing them, sometimes, for what they are: distractions. I am becoming bored with things that usually grip my attention. There are little nudges. The constant thought is sometimes moving in the background. So, it's baby steps, but that is linear time isn't it? There is a fog, but perhaps not so thick as it was.

This should be a main note, not a side note. This sounds great :)

The anger is from the self. It doesn't like no time, as that where it lives! So, this ends with my friend, fear.

I am going to sit as much as possible with this, bringing the love to the fear.

Use vipassana see-hear-feel here. If it's more helpful, you can use image-talk-feel. These components become entangled and it feels like there's a self. Vipassana helps you see them as they truly are--separate.

It's like a school. There is no such thing. There are buildings, students, teachers, parking lots. No school. It's a concept.

Where is the self that is angry? Can you find something other than sensations and thought labeling sensations as anger?

Look for the self that lives in time. Where is it? We need more evidence than thought, because if it's just a thought, I can say that cookie monster controls my brain. I feel it, so it must be real, right? 😎

Broken down, there might be a fast sequence of image, talk, feel, talk, feel, talk, etc.

This should be a main note, not a side note.

Okay! i am understand that IT is always here, I just not making myself aware of IT, until IT shows up. I still have the belief that I need to think about everything.

Where is the self that is angry? Can you find something other than sensations and thought labeling sensations as anger?

I of course can't find a solid 'self' but I can feel the sensation in my body, and it's so tight and drawn! I understand the 'contraction' you mentioned, my whole body contracts when looking for the self. It is holding itself in this, or the idea of the self makes the body tense? I don't know which it is, but it doesn't matter. Self = contraction.

Where is the self that is angry? Can you find something other than sensations and thought labeling sensations as anger?

It is an automatic reaction! I can't find a thought or series o thought that lead to a conclusion of anger, there is just instant anger. AND, I am surprised to realize that it happens way more often than I ever thought! Lori resists a lot of things. I am equating resistance to anger, which is a strong word, but they seem to be the same feeling. Just Lori building herself up, continuously.
In the case of no time, it was a knee jerk reaction that was understood by self that no time = no self. It didn't seem to be a conscious thought at the moment anger was felt.

Look for the self that lives in time. Where is it? We need more evidence than thought, because if it's just a thought, I can say that cookie monster controls my brain. I feel it, so it must be real, right? 😎

Okay, the self that lives in time isn't anywhere!, but i do feel that contraction in my body, literally hanging onto the self! Thank you for this pointer, it is a new outlook.

I am hoping to move through the next week with Vipassana noting. Have a happy Holiday, i will be back online by Monday at the latest, but hopefully sooner. I don't know if I will have time in the mornings/evenings or not.
I have so much gratitude for your help, Henri. Thank you!

Okay! i am understand that IT is always here, I just not making myself aware of IT, until IT shows up. I still have the belief that I need to think about everything.

What are you afraid will happen if you stop thinking about everything?

I of course can't find a solid 'self' but I can feel the sensation in my body, and it's so tight and drawn! I understand the 'contraction' you mentioned, my whole body contracts when looking for the self. It is holding itself in this, or the idea of the self makes the body tense? I don't know which it is, but it doesn't matter. Self = contraction.

Use vipassana noting here. Look for the self and then note (see-hear-feel) what comes up.

How do you know the contraction is the self? Let's take this one step deeper.

What I meant earlier when I said that the self is a contraction is that there is contraction in the body that is mistaken as a self.

It is an automatic reaction! I can't find a thought or series o thought that lead to a conclusion of anger, there is just instant anger. AND, I am surprised to realize that it happens way more often than I ever thought! Lori resists a lot of things. I am equating resistance to anger, which is a strong word, but they seem to be the same feeling. Just Lori building herself up, continuously.
In the case of no time, it was a knee jerk reaction that was understood by self that no time = no self. It didn't seem to be a conscious thought at the moment anger was felt.

Is it really automatic though? Or do you just assume it is :)

Is something leading to something else? Zoom in and look.

Also now might be the time to really look at the Lori you're referring to, which is another way of saying self.

Is Lori resisting something, or is there just resistance? Where does Lori/self come in?

It's also important that you look in direct experience. If you're just thinking "Oh there is no self... but Lori" then that doesn't do anything. Look and see the components of experience, the physical senses coming together and the illusion of self seemingly being there.

Okay, the self that lives in time isn't anywhere!, but i do feel that contraction in my body, literally hanging onto the self! Thank you for this pointer, it is a new outlook.

Yes, there will be contractions. This path seems to be about unbinding and unfixating. Even when seeing through the separate self, there will be contractions.

I am hoping to move through the next week with Vipassana noting. Have a happy Holiday, i will be back online by Monday at the latest, but hopefully sooner. I don't know if I will have time in the mornings/evenings or not.
I have so much gratitude for your help, Henri. Thank you!

My pleasure, Lori!

Feel free to go through my questions above when you have time. If nothing else, then next week.

Enjoy!

Hi Henri!
You may be surprised to hear this, but I am at an Angelo Dilullo silent retreat in NC. I won’t be home until Sunday night, Dec.3rd.
I am not sure how these two things fit together, but it seems to fit! What now? The energy here is mind boggling, literally, combined with opening this page, I am gobsmacked.

That's great, and funny, I have another person that I'm guiding from LU that is there at the retreat :)

Hi Henri!
I am reeling from the weeklong meditation with Angelo. If I search for a 'self' I find nothing. As a matter of fact, I find a whole lot of nothing inside. Empty space. Not sure how long this will last, as my brain seems to be on the 'off' button. Not many thoughts. I plan to sit in this as much as I can.

Sounds great!

Let me know if I can help at any point.

Checking in. How are things going, Lori?

Do you still want to keep sitting in the space?

We can also start wrapping up our conversation and see if there's anything that needs to be further clarified.

Wow, it was so nice to open this page! I can feel so much All-that-is in it! It grabbed me immediately.

I have been having a very interesting week. I feel like I am walking through waves of swirling awareness. A lot of the time, everything seems like it is perfectly unfolding. There is no one managing anything. It does come and go, though, so there has not been a permanent shift. It is such a busy time, with so much to do, that doesn't help. It feels like the old patterns could easily creep back in, and i can't sit in meditation all day to stop it. It's here... then my mind gets busy, and it thins out. Does that make sense?

Not sure what the route is, for permanence? Is it even within my control? feel like I could meditate with this page open and it would have an effect, the awareness is so strong coming off it.

Thoughts?

and i can't sit in meditation all day to stop it. It's here... then my mind gets busy, and it thins out. Does that make sense?

Eventually you want to bring this into daily life. It's challenging but also an opportunity.

Not sure what the route is, for permanence? Is it even within my control? feel like I could meditate with this page open and it would have an effect, the awareness is so strong coming off it.

Thoughts?

No. What would be in control of it? :)

Inquiry and conversation can happen, which are just inputs for your system, which will then use, or not, what is shared.

And like in the video from Ilona on the integration: Old habits and programming will come up, but it doesn't really work anymore, like a broken computer trying to start up. Have you noticed this?

So would you say that you had a clear shift in seeing that there is no inherent self?

I would say that when I look for self, I don't find one. Anywhere.There is empty space.I want to say, clearness, it is clear and empty. However, when lost in 'doing' there can be a sense of self 'doing'. So, not sure what that means.