I want to know

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

It's a bit confusing because there's always been something aware, something that never changes, that's always present and I've called that "me". But it's definitely not a "thing". It's not something I could point out or find any "place", but I can always find it--it's never not here. I couldn't find someone else's, though. I guess I'd probably describe it as consciousness. That still presence is always here, no matter what else is going on in the world/life, and the perspective it has, never changes,

Yes, most likely that is simply awareness not a "self."

Expectation of your experience being like someone else's is both an obstacle & impossible. Your experience is yours.

At the same time, yes, it's unmistakable. I'll check in, but YOU will tell me when you've SEEN.

That's why I asked about the day when you told me that even things that seemed "bad" were fine. It sounded like you were beginning to see that day, maybe.

Those flashes you've had of hand table, etc. do sound like flashes of SEEING.

It may only be that you're not accepting the simple & obvious. A search for "more" keeps you from finding. What you're looking for is ever-present, as you described above in that 1st paragraph I quoted.

My gut tells me this is the thing I've been looking for

Trust that. Do not trust content of thought - it lies. You can feel the gut clench when that happens.

Are you sitting (comfortably ;) ) right now?

Look at the space where your butt touches the chair. Can you find any separation? Or only one sensation, as you did before ? Just LOOK! BE with that.

Relax. Sink into it.

Write what is true. Can any separate self" be found?

Loving,

[LesaD]

Hey Kid

Look at the space where your butt touches the chair. Can you find any separation? Or only one sensation, as you did before ? Just LOOK! BE with that.

Relax. Sink into it.

There is no separation, just sensation that I've learned to think of as a boundary.

Write what is true. Can any separate self" be found?

Wow! Just had an interesting experience! I was sitting, eyes closed on my chair and one of my dogs came up and nuzzled my hand. I kept my eyes closed and LOOKED. I couldn't find any separation between the dog and myself either. Very cool! I don't know how to say this really clearly, but if I sort of blur my sense awareness to the environment, this consciousness sort of pulls back and infuses everything. Interesting to think of the consciousness as projecting everything. It makes me wonder how this awareness might affect my art, my health, my circumstances...

Love,
Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa!

You're doing great. Keep LOOKING every chance you get. Relax and look.

Wow! Just had an interesting experience! I was sitting, eyes closed on my chair and one of my dogs came up and nuzzled my hand. I kept my eyes closed and LOOKED. I couldn't find any separation between the dog and myself either. Very cool! I don't know how to say this really clearly, but if I sort of blur my sense awareness to the environment, this consciousness sort of pulls back and infuses everything. Interesting to think of the consciousness as projecting everything. It makes me wonder how this awareness might affect my art, my health, my circumstances...

Yes, for me, it is a kind of sinking in and back. Yours may be different.

You are correct. There's no separation between anything and anything - none! But we want to SEE it, not *think* about it.

makes me wonder how this awareness might affect my art, my health, my circumstances...

Ahh, there you are back into content of thought, a future thought, etc.

The truth is it won't affect those things, mostly. It is possible for everything to stay the same, and yet be experienced completely differently. It's thinking that wants things different. Things may or may not change at all. Anything is possible. *Wanting* some change will get in your way, though. That's why we ask about expectations at the very beginning.

Just keep looking at buttchair and anything else in your field of awareness right now. It sounds like you have the idea and just need to practice. There are a few other exercises I could give you, but you are doing fine without formal exercises. Repeat anything you've done before. They are all valuable to repeat.

Loving,

[LesaD]

Hi Stacy.

Wanted to let you know that I'm going on a trip into the mountains until the 13th and will most likely be out of touch during that time. I'm excited to try some of the exercises when I'm away from all the chaos and hustle-bustle of everyday life. I'm going to focus primarily on being aware of the content of thought getting into the mix. It seems to be the biggest challenge for me. It's so bloody habitual! If you have any exercises that will help with that, I'd love to have them. I'm leaving in the morning, so might be able to print them and take them with me.

I'll let you know what I find. :)

Have a great weekend.
Love,
Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

Thanks for letting me know. Normally we give one exercise at a time or refer you back to re do some you've already done. Print & Reread your entire thread while you're gone. You've got at least a dozen exercises & more than that given some of the books you've read.

It isn't that you need more exercises, although I will keep giving you more. It's just going into the ones you have to find more clarity.

You already know the difference between thought and content of thought. It's only a matter of remembering to notice.

"Me" or "I" or "self" is only content of thought.

The story of "me’ can seem to have continuity. Is it really continuous? Or are there simply isolated thoughts that never can truly touch each other, some of them claiming that there's one continuous story?

When we look very closely and precisely we come to see that “me” thoughts only refer to other “me” thoughts, not to an actual abiding “me.” Observe thoughts with precision; can you ever find a ‘me’ within the “me” thoughts and feelings, or just a sense of me?

How's that? :) Got enough to do?

Love,

[LesaD]

Hi Stacy.

It looks like several of my posts to you didn't upload for some reason.

I've got camper issues and I won't be leaving until the 16th. I've spent the morning noticing "I/me/my" thoughts. Very annoying! But I'm able to let each drop as I notice that it's only CONTENT. It's been really helpful and I can sure see why they say "all thoughts are untrue". I printed out the exercises (didn't realize there were so many until I put them all together). I'm so upset about my thoughts and am noticing a lot of "crap" in my life that I don't need, both physical and mental. Feel weighed down and not sure what to do. I'll keep noticing and realize that even "feel weighed down and not sure what to do" is CONTENT. It feels like I'm bleeding and just need to bleed out

Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

You're doing great! I can't comment on "bleeding out" content of thought - first because it's just content of thought & also, we just focus on the exercises.

But I will say that many of us feel drawn towards minimalism and clearing out junk as we let go of the clutter in our minds, or rather, as we stop *believing* the clutter in our minds. Mostly, it will still be there for a long time . You just won't attach to it so much.

As always, what to do is just LOOK. Then write what is true.

Loving,

[LesaD]

Stacy

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm losing my mind! That's a good thing! Hahahaha! what I meant by

It feels like I'm bleeding and just need to bleed out

is that lots of crazy thoughts are arising and sort of demanding my attention. They're painful and I'm just letting them go. 'Bleeding out' was just a way of saying 'not engaging with them, no matter how painful or demanding, just letting a lot of mental garbage drift away'. The thoughts that reappear most often are the painful ones.

I've noticed that I'm still labeling events, but the labels are becoming simpler. For instance, "the dog just walked into the room" is a thought I just had. Normally, I would have thought, "Oh, Charly is bored and wants me to play with her. I've been ignoring her too much today. She wants some attention". Ugh. 'The dog just walked into the room' is so much easier to take, though I know it's also just CONTENT.

But I will say that many of us feel drawn towards minimalism and clearing out junk as we let go of the clutter in our minds, or rather, as we stop *believing* the clutter in our minds. Mostly, it will still be there for a long time . You just won't attach to it so much.

Glad to hear this, and it makes sense. It occurs to me that much of the junk I have has 'represented' some sort of Rockwellian image of security/family/home. Not! Just stuff that represents a lot of memories. Clinging...

Love,
Lesa

[LesaD]

Hi Stacy

You had mentioned some exercises that were about 'time'. I'd like to try those. Could you send, please?

Thanks!
Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

Yes. But I can only do that now. ;)

From your responses, it seems that you have a pretty good grasp on the difference between Actual Experience (seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, tasting & thought arising) and made up stories. You seem to have become comfortable with noticing the you are not doing anything and cannot decide or control anything. You even seem to be a little more comfortable with there being no division between your seeming body and seeming other things.

Through these exercises, you seem to have had some glimpses of seeing that there is no self. Certainty is lacking. That's OK. You see when you see.

Is that about how you see your experience?

Time Exercise

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward
on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?

Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

How long does the ‘now’ last?

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?



[By the way, I am copying most of these exercises from some resources that we have. They were put together in an Australian punctuation and spelling. Usually I change them to American punctuations and spellings. I didn't do that with this one.]

Have fun! Let me know how it goes.

Loving,

[LesaD]

Hi Kid

Yes. But I can only do that now. ;)

pretty funny!

From your responses, it seems that you have a pretty good grasp on the difference between Actual Experience (seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, tasting & thought arising) and made up stories. You seem to have become comfortable with noticing the you are not doing anything and cannot decide or control anything.

Yes, but still habitually try to 'make decisions' and feel responsible for actions.

You even seem to be a little more comfortable with there being no division between your seeming body and seeming other things.

Yes, and there is this odd feeling of 'airiness' or 'floating' associated with it.

Through these exercises, you seem to have had some glimpses of seeing that there is no self. Certainty is lacking. That's OK. You see when you see.

Is that about how you see your experience?

Yes, that’s pretty much it! I have to stop and concentrate on applying the parameters for Actual Experience still, but I am “seeing” more often.

Time Exercise

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward
on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

No.

Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?

No. Just one event apparently changing to another.

Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

No. Just thoughts arising that indicate that that’s what’s happening, and events apparently changing. (This is where I have to really stop and question. My mind still wants to go to, "Yes, one moment/event follows another." then I remind myself that any information that thought carries is NOT TRUE, or not Actual Experience.

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

No movement at all.

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

No.

How long does the ‘now’ last?

It doesn’t ‘last’, it just always IS.

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

No place/time can be found.

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the ‘past'?

It doesn’t.

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

Thought CONTENT about memories.

So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

Just thoughts about time. I love this!!

[By the way, I am copying most of these exercises from some resources that we have. They were put together in an Australian punctuation and spelling. Usually I change them to American punctuations and spellings. I didn't do that with this one.]

I was going to ask you if you were from Europe or somewhere else abroad. Of course, it makes sense that the exercises are all copied and pasted. :)~

Have fun! Let me know how it goes.

I really enjoyed this! I, like most people, have had experiences where there was no time, or where a 5 or 6 hour block of time just flew by and felt like minutes. Sometimes driving over to see my grandkids was like that. Looking back, I think I was just very present at those times. Seems like the lack or presence of 'time' might be a good indicator that "I'm" present or not. (Words!!!)

Love,
Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

Pretty much spot on. (my attempt at British phrasing)

Seems like the lack or presence of 'time' might be a good indicator that "I'm" present or not. (Words!!!)

Yes. And yeah, words just don't do it, do they?

Some guides simply have a conversation with less exercises than I do. Both work. I've had the thought to take on someone and do only the conversation, but that hasn't happened yet.

You even seem to be a little more comfortable with there being no division between your seeming body and seeming other things.

Yes, and there is this odd feeling of 'airiness' or 'floating' associated with it.

Through these exercises, you seem to have had some glimpses of seeing that there is no self. Certainty is lacking. That's OK. You see when you see.

Is that about how you see your experience?
Yes, that’s pretty much it! I have to stop and concentrate on applying the parameters for Actual Experience.

So, what would you like to practice?

Focus on telling me when you see. We don't really care about the thoughts or content of thought.


Loving,

[LesaD]

Hello

So, what would you like to practice?

Anything that would make the fact of the body not being me, more obvious. I still seem to automatically go there. Another thing that’s of interest is anything that would highlight the connectedness of everything.

Some guides simply have a conversation with less exercises than I do. Both work. I've had the thought to take on someone and do only the conversation, but that hasn't happened yet.

I'm open to trying a ‘conversation’ from this point on, if you see that as a possibility for us. :)

Love,
Lesa

[Anastacia42]

Hi Lesa,

I'm open to trying a ‘conversation’ from this point on, if you see that as a possibility for us. :)

It seems like we've primarily been doing that for a few days, now that I look at the past few days!

The best pointer there is is simply LOOK.

Can you find any "me" in the body. LOOK very closely.

Write what is SEEN, what is true.

Loving,

[LesaD]

Hey

Can you find any "me" in the body. LOOK very closely.

No, only a lot of CONTENT of thought saying there is a me there.

Write what is SEEN, what is true.

The body looks like a “thing”. Sometimes my hand looks like a claw. It’s a bit creepy. There is a lot of tension in the body and there is pain in my back. There is a body going through the day, doing things. There are thoughts arising all day long. There were bad dreams last night—unusual for me. It’s almost as though something is fighting inside.

I listened to one of the podcasts with Ilona, I think. She was asking someone what their mind or heart wanted. I tried asking my mind what it wanted and got the answer, “security”. I did what Ilona suggested, thanked it for doing its care taking, and reassured it there was no reason to feel insecure—nothing bad would happen, it was all just a dream. It occurred to me that life really is meaningless, totally meaningless. I’ve heard this characterized as freedom, but didn’t really understand what was meant until now. No decision I make could be important. In fact, there’s no one here making decisions, so there’s no need to stress over them, or the responsibility of making the right decision. That realization is here for a few minutes, then the mind rushes back in again. I still get hung up over animals suffering, and wanting to guide my children in the right direction, etc. And though I went to sleep with these thoughts of freedom in my head, I had nightmares.

Love,
Lesa