Hi Sarah,
I've used a lot of 'I's but it's hard to communicate without.
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there never was, just life happening.
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
This illusion of self began as an infant. Words and language have a big part to play in this illusion. Parents give you a name and so you 'become' a person who is separate from others. 'Given' your life by the world without questioning it. I never felt truly at ease with this world and became a victim (in my mind, Sarah) of every person and circumstance. I felt like I didn't belong and didn't want to.
The illusion is that we are all separate beings in control of 'our' life which has to be protected and we have to 'be' someone instead of just being. We and everything else in this play are just one great ocean of life.
How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There hasn't been a big reaction apart from 'it was there all the time, why couldn't I see it?' Plus a quiet smile.
I first said I just wanted to stop fighting life, and that has happened. Nagging worries have stopped. 'Story of life' problems still come up but they are seen also as part of everything and not a 'blip' that has to be agonized over or controlled. They just happen, pass and are gone.
Guilt has gone - there really was not guilt to 'answer to'. No more compulsions to keep going when I am tired because this or that needs doing, I just rest now and start again when I am ready or get the chance.
What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Funnily enough, the 'fight' did it. I was striving too hard and had had enough of 'intellectually' getting it but not truly 'seeing'.
After reading the piece by Joan Tollifson you kindly sent me, all the fear of 'not getting it' or 'losing it again' left me and I just kind of relaxed into it. No big 'this is it' moment. Just realised I was already here and had been all along.
So, I started with trying to 'get it' then on to intellectually understanding it. Then frustration mixed with anger because 'it' wouldn't stick, going around the houses to try and find what was already there. After releasing all the 'angst', frustration and questions I realised I'd never been anywhere else.
Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
Not at all, although I used to think so. Yesterday I was reading Joan Tollifson's book 'Nothing to Grasp' when all of a sudden thoughts kicked in on a tangent ( I presume a word or phrase in the book triggered them). It was a story about what I would do if I was on a world cruise which had been taken over by terrorists! I have no idea where that came from and I really laughed. I live in a quiet village with no great urge to travel so it was utterly beyond me why the thoughts would go in that direction. There is no control of events Sarah, you only have to look at what happened to my 'chilling' plans for the weekend. Never happened. And that definately was nothing to do with 'me' lol. I suppose some 'happenings' or 'events' do seem to start with 'me' (booking train tickets, choosing to go out for a meal etc) but really they don't. This leads to this leads to this without any help from 'me'.
Anything to add?
Everything and nothing has changed. I still have preferences and dislikes but they're also part of 'lifeing'. Everything is.
I would also like to add a very big thank you Sarah. For sharing and helping people in this 'ocean of life'. I feel it comes as part of realisation to want to help others to 'see'. After all, the help benefits all of life.
Love Lynda lol
x
