Absolutely helpful, thank you!Here is a link that may further strengthen your resolve from adyashanti.
https://soundcloud.com/casagenovia/1-ve ... m=facebook
I have mulled these questions over for some days, as I wanted to wait and see what my experience would be. I see it is variable - some days easier than others to recognize what I have seen as it is happening.And here are the questions, take your time. You can do a few a day. But again from direct experience not analysis here. Just whatever the senses report when you ask the questions.
[/quote]1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?[/quote]
No, there is no separate entity of self to be found anywhere. It has always seemed that there was an "I", but when examined in DE I cannot find it. In DE I have seen that sense information (sight, sound, smell, touch, taste) arises automatically without any effort on the part of an "I", as do thoughts that label each bit of sensory information; however, there is no sensory or thought controller to be found that is "doing" this. There is no way for "me" to stop sensory information or thoughts from arising, it is just happening with or without "my permission." So it seems that the apparent experience of being an "I" has been purely assumption, just another thought.
Given this state of affairs described above, I do not think it is possible for there ever to have been a separate "I", but not having examined this previously in DE, I can only assume there never was (if there isn't now, there never could have been).
The illusion of separate self is based upon the assumption made that there is a "me" that is in control of life - choosing the thoughts, feelings, etc. that are experienced. In actuality, the organism has stored past experiences as memories and these are automatically "selected" by the mind to identify and label all of the sensory information as it arises today. In actuality, there is no choice in this occurrence, it is all automatic and arises from internal programming based upon how the organism was conditioned from past experience. As this is done repeatedly, it is familiar to the organism, thus creating the illusion of a "familiar me", and this is perpetuated by continuing to take credit for all choices and actions as "mine."2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
As all sensory data is labeled and interpreted automatically (in the form of thoughts) based upon past experience, it covers over the actual direct experience with labels. As this has been done repeatedly over years, assumptions are made that this is the way it is. For example, I have the recurrent experience of awakening with fear during the night; I would identify with the thoughts/feelings as "mine" and they would be labeled ("oh, no this means that this horrible thing could happen to me!") and I would become more frightened. Then when I learned that the human organism's brain/nervous system is wiring to awaken periodically during the night to be vigilant for predators (based upon early man's need), I realized this is just a biological function of the human body, and that due to past conditioning (trauma, etc.) this is now being interpreted/labeled as something personal, as meaning that some fearful event is happening to a ME.
So, the illusion of a separate self is merely an assumption that is perpetuated over the years because its' validity has never been questioned.
Initially it felt like a huge relief to see this, to know that there is no "me" making choices, that there is truly no fault or blame for myself or anyone else, etc. Although I have seen and accepted that there is really no "me", there has not been any big shift in my perception of life. I do see that there is the potential for freedom from suffering with knowing this.3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The biggest difference from before, is the understanding that all of this is just arising automatically, that these thoughts are not "mine" and do not need to be identified with. When conditioned thoughts and feelings arise, now I have the opportunity to remember/recognize that these are just conditioned thoughts and feelings arising from prior conditioning, and that I do not have to identify with them or make them any more real than anything else. Sometimes this is simple and I am able to see the truth easily and drop it. At other times, it seems that I am more easily identified with the content of the thoughts or feelings and doubts (yes, doubts are just more thoughts) arise and I have much more difficulty clearly accepting the truth. This is the way it has been for the past few days. I am hoping it will get easier over time, and that this recognition will arise more naturally and frequently.
The one thing that feels so much better is to know that nothing that ever happened is my fault or anyone else's ("... they know not what they do"). That is a huge burden lifted! Blaming myself for things I had no control over ("if only I had done XY instead of Z!") has been a big source of suffering in the past.
Even though I saw the illusion, I could not accept it. When I did a "Direct Looking" session with Ilona, and experienced thoughts and feelings from when I was a small child as if they were happening today (some 50+ years later) this seemed to "push me over." I saw that these thoughts and feelings were coming from the programming of early childhood trauma, and that they felt as totally "real" as something happening today. I experienced that these thoughts and feelings simply arose - I did not choose them - and were experienced in the present, when the fact is I am now 62 years old - not 2 or 3!4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It always seemed that "I" could choose to do this or that, that I had control over the outcome of my world to some extent. However, it never made sense to me that I would consciously choose things that caused pain to me or anyone else - yet these things happened. Now I can see that things just happen outside of any apparent control by a "me", and I can see that there is no one to fault or blame (myself included) ... they just happen. There is no "I" with control or conscious choice in these things. We are all playing out our parts due to conditioning (and likely other factors that I have no way to know). The suffering comes when I blame myself or others.5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
For example, the desire to have a cup of tea arose and I went to get one. It appears that I "choose" to have a cup of tea, but in reality the desire for this likely arose from some past conditioning/memory/body's biological need for something, etc., and I attributed this to my consciously choosing to perform this action.
Another example is when I am awakened with the experience of fear. I can identify with the fear as "mine" and get more frightened making a scary future out of it or whatever, or I can recognize that this is likely coming from the body's physiologic wiring to protect me from predators, and go back to sleep :)
I am seeing that this seems to be the very beginning of a process of unraveling the false self. I think that my expectation was that once the illusion of self was seen, that I would not "fall for it" again ... quite unrealistic. It seems to be a process of recognizing the thoughts and feelings experienced for what they are, beginning to dis-identify with them more and more,and gradually disassembling the illusion over time. Is this a correct assumption? Please let me know if I am missing something here.6) Anything to add?
I want to add that I am very grateful for all of the time you have lovingly spent in wading through the mire with me.
Love, Daria/Sita
