Monday, Sept 16 20:00 PDT
Hi Silvia,
The looking continues. I have read only one outside source: In "Gateless...' Charles' Story. Very closely parallels my experience. Your guidance has shortcut several of the issues in that piece for me. My "mirror experience" and the seeing that all thoughts are linear, serial - actually unconnected - have been helpful recurring perceptions. It gives a certain freedom. Your question "what more is there to be seen?" arises. Also, your statement re "relaxing in." Charles' story, however, reminds of your questions re direct experience rather than my customary cerebral leaning to "talk myself into profound stuff." That said, there's a felt need to look deeply into those direct experiences again. So, again, The looking continues.
We have covered so much: expectations, Identification with the self, sense of control, ... that the urge comes up to sift thru and build a "practice" out of it. But then, that's seen thru too.
HOWEVER, surely it's the new medication (last two weeks) but there is great anxiety, depression, SELF-talk and fear of death arising. I want to go hide, stay in bed. But this is also seen as a great opportunity under duress to really dig in and investigate what this sense of sense of self is. Dying people in great pain wake up, after all. And, my Dr. says this is temporary-another week. Your pointers on the medication complication will be greatly appreciated! (Yes, this is stories.)
It feels like you are censoring yourself, in case you say the "wrong" thing.
I hope you'll stay with me! Your guidance has moved "me" to a new good place. Right now, these days, are difficult. But, there is a felt need to make contact today. You said not to be afraid to write what's going on.
Oh yes, my good friends have invited me to their Rupert Spira gatherings. The last time I went, I wrote you some words that had "different definitions." :)) I've made my apologies to them lately. So, Silvia, there is a feeling of anticipation to returning to our posts.
May you be well,
charlie