Artzo need guide

[artzo]

Self is only showing up as a story in the mind.
It is a story talking about me, I, attaching attributes to it.
Keeping the illusion alive with more stories, always more stories, never questioned if it is real or not.
If doubt, more stories, if clarity more stories, it loves stories.
It will tell stories about anything and often connect it with the word, me or I.

It must start in early years when learning language and when learning to communicate to others.
Through pointing and repeating, we learn and start to believe in the I as something real.
Then we are told our history, attributes are added as name, gender, hair, physical strength, IQ.
And we add add add and then at some point try to remove or change this I.
But words are words, story are story. One day the story tells you are great, the other you suck.
It is impossible to change as it is just words, thoughts drifting by.

It affects life in that way that belief, thoughts, feelings, conditioning filter experience, so what we interpret as life is very colored and narrowed down to old boring patterns.
Through the illusion of I and taking thoughts to be truthful each moment is made into a re-run of an old show, compared and categorized instead of something new and fresh.

[Ilona]

Great noticing. Now focus the other way, what is here besides stories?

[artzo]

Present moment of life.
Experience, smell, sight, sound, taste, sensations

[Ilona]

What about thinking, is it too part of experience or is it somehow separate?

[artzo]

Thinking is very much part of experience.
They can talk about things not happening now but they are very much part of what is happening.

[Ilona]

yes, thinking IS happening, but content of thought is not the experience itself, just a description.

so where are we? is it clear that there is no i - a separate independent entity in charge of life? if not all clear, what is still here that wants to be looked at?

sending love.

[artzo]

Been observing thoughts the last days. But can not find an creator and when looking they come spontanously and automatic as everything else.

Thoughts arise what will happen now, but it is just thoughts.

Pretty blank right now, nothing comes to mind.

[Ilona]

How about the doer, is there one? In everyday ordinary actions, are you the doer? Are you the chooser, manager, controller of what happens?

Write what you see.

[artzo]

Doing is a natural response to situation.
There are very strong old patterns that play themself out on automatic.
Today strong social phobia showed up as usual,fear of being with people.
It played out very strongly today when meeting some new people.
Tension, fear, feeling of not belonging or knowing what to do. Get all quiet and stiff in body.Stories of wanting to avoid it, lack in intrest in the normal social conversation.
Feelings of powerlessness.
Story about being an outsider.
Then feeling of depression kicks in and story about life never getting easier or better.

Would lie if I said I welcome these feelings and thoughts with open arms.
Would rather be easy going and feel relaxed in social situations.

It happens by itself, no controlling or doer, but there must be some idea that feels there is something to protect in these situations.
There is a strong story about a fearful and unsocial artzo.
And it affects the situation in a big way.

Maybe these patterns must play themself out and be seen as just stories and feelings arising automatically due to earlier patterns and belief?

[artzo]

Thoughts feelings arise, have story about a me at times.
After a while it loosens in power and dissapears.
Struggle more pain, letting it have it course it loosens in grip faster.


It is situation based. The stories and feelings where triggered more and more during the years by repeating it over and over again, continuing the story of an I.

[Ilona]

thank you for honest answers.
take a look, is there a separate self that is disconnected from the whole? is there a center, to which stories are happening and patterns belong?

the story of i, me, artzo, does it belong to you? are you the one that is creating it, listening to it, watching it unfold and manage what happens in the story? are you the actor, director, spectator?

what is separate from everything else?

[artzo]

Just checking in. Not had time to look so much into questions today.
Write more tommorrow.

[Ilona]

No problem, write when you ready. :)

[artzo]

take a look, is there a separate self that is disconnected from the whole?

There are separate experiences, separate feelings, thoughts. As what is experienced here is not experienced in the exact same way anywhere else.
But experiences happen in the whole, it is a part of all that is as it happens now.
There is unique experience happening all over the place by different forms, but all is life experiencing life.

No self separated from the whole.

is there a center, to which stories are happening and patterns belong?

There is no center to which stories and patterns belong.

the story of i, me, artzo, does it belong to you? are you the one that is creating it, listening to it, watching it unfold and manage what happens in the story? are you the actor, director, spectator?

The story is happening here, not somewhere else. So the story is somehow connected to this experience happening right here.

The story is happening it is not owned. But there is definitely story about both, not creating and creating it.
Creating happens on the fly, but in some clever and smart way gives a feeling and new story of an I as creator and controller of it.
There is also story about an actor, not actor, director, not director, spectator, not spectator.
This is all stories creating feelings and new stories.

Watching it would mean a separate watcher, but the experience happens right here, there is no separate watcher watching from somewhere else.

All the managing, listening, acting, directing, spectating would have to have a separate entity doing the managing, listening, acting, directing, spectating separate from what is happening and that is not the case.
It all just happens right here right now.

what is separate from everything else?

Nothing. Story can create a feeling and continual story of an I being separate from everything else, but story and feeling is not separated from what is happening, it is very much part of it.
So even if there is thoughts and feelings of separated I'ness it is still part of the whole.

And still the story of I continues and still there is some belief in it.
So all above could also be just a neat story.

It feels I could write anything and it can feel true while writing it, afterward there is no idea to what is real and not.

There are always new stories, approaches to the questions. Is it really like that, can it be like this.
Maybe you see something of value how we could continue. I would like to delete it all though, feels like another rerun, when fooling oneself there was some seeing when all it was just some storytelling and time wasted on both you reading it and me writing this shit.

Tired of trying, tired of games, tired of pretending, tired of it all.
And still it continues.
There is so much disappointment and anger, sorrow to it all.
Feelings of total failure yet again.
Hate this fucking process.
Hate this feeling of I, not much joy when everything is wasted on this I I I I I I I I I I I.
And hate continuing life stuck in this continual story of a worthless meaningless I.

Wow that was sure a guy that wasted a life and managed to fail in all aspects of it as well.
Woohooo yipe kah yeah said the frog and left the building to do some sightseeing in a crazy man's brain.

[Ilona]

Good stuff, artzo. Thank you for honesty and openness.

Having enough of lies sometimes can be the last push one needs. So if you are feeling anger and frustration around this process, don't judge it as wrong, let it do its job.
It's an opportunity to look, how thoughts-feelings are connected and how the mechanism works in action. Bring your attention to sensations in the body. Watch how all works together. Take a look, what is behind it? What is behind the sensations, thoughts and feelings? Take a peak, what is there that feels threatened and wants to be protected. What do you find?

Trust that all is happening as it should.

Sending love.