Hi Bill
This is long! Hope you don't mind me rambling on a bit - I wanted to answer fully
1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, it can clearly be seen that there is no me. However there is an appearance of a me that does things and still feels like the doer a lot of the time. However, the belief has gone and maybe this feeling of a doer will become less pronounced. The urgent need to get rid of this feeling of a doer seems to have gone.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
It is a bundle of ideas, thoughts and beliefs, often manifesting as a physical contraction or just a general assumption of a person managing life. If I go to thought I cannot remember a time when it was not there, but there is something else that remembers just being aware and open when I was very young. It often creates a narrative about Kathy doing this, then that. It works by continually thinking about itself, its effect on others, others' effect on it and how it can be best cared for.
3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
It is not how I had imagined. It feels like a mixture of relief and shock to the system, in terms of it not having its usual props and protections as much. It was first seen in glimpses lasting a few hours, then there was a deeper seeing and knowing and now I know. If I am really honest, despite all the writing about expectations, there is a tiny bit of anti-climax that it was not a Ramana moment. There is a lot of gratitude, because even if it is not a constant knowing, it feels like the beginning of new possibilities.
4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
I would say it is like an imaginary controller, that completely believes it is there and which tries to help by protecting and managing. It can be felt in physical tension and it colours everything with its belief. It is a bit like an invisible structure that everything else hangs upon
5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
It is hard to say as there were glimpses at first, without being convinced. They happened after writing these posts and answering questions. Then when the knowing arrived, it did not happen in a flash, it was more as if it seeped into awareness and then was there. I was sitting for a long time looking very hard at thoughts about I last week when this happened. For me it seemed very effective to look at the thoughts themselves, where they came from, how they created a me. There was one point where there was close looking at the thought creating the I, and then a strong realisation came that I still existed, but was watching the I being created, so could not be that I. Actually looking for an I seemed more difficult than watching the thoughts at first, but now when I look for an I there is just openess and sensations and sounds etc, interspersed with thoughts.
6) When you say "I", what are you referring to?
There is still a habit and acting as if there is an I, despite the knowing. I have to keep going back to the knowing to have a look, but the habit is strong. Apart from that, it is difficult to communicate without using this language.
7) Is there an experiencer experiencing, or is there only experience?
Actually look. Does experience belong to the body, or does the body belong to experience?
This feels more difficult, as if the body has its own habits that are pretty entrenched. When I look there is just sensation, but I cannot make out whether it belongs to the body or whether the body belongs to it. I will keep looking and feel that this may unfold in its own time. With looking at thoughts during these past weeks, the ability to see more and more detail and depth has increased, so maybe it will with the physical experience too.
8) What did you experience at the moment you awoke? (if you feel this is applicable)
It was very simple and a relief. I had to keep looking to see if it was really so. I still do
9) Describe your experience in the hours and days following awakening
This has been of normal life continuing but with an extra bit of knowledge. I have had a lot of very strong feelings, most notably anger. Something feels as if a bit of protection has been taken away. When I used to feel uncomfortable I would reach for the spiritual book, or practice, but I have avoided all of these during this process, except mediation and even that over the last week. A lot of stuff has come up and I was not sure if it was because there was a continual pushing to see, or because of recent losses, or because of this process. Maybe all three.
There has been a knowing underneath it all. It is as if I am going through my life, I feel as if there is a me doing things and acting and feeling, but also, underneath it all there is a knowing that there is no me. Doubts come in from time to time, but these are now seen as doubts and not believed, at least since last Saturday.
I have been reading more of the Gateless Gatecrashers book and that has been good for seeing that others have these same reactions and that this is a beginning only.
All in all, I would say it is not at all like I had expected, but the relief and happiness that come from this knowing are there like a quiet current underneath it all.
thank you
