Help needed

[annarodriguez]

Looking around the room. No barrier to pinpoint. Still feel like the seeing is happening from a center and if it was happening outside of 'me'. Although there is no proof. So it is a feeling and nothing more than that.
It SEEMS to be easier when I close my eyes and 'look' at sensations. Then not an inside or outside feeling.

[annarodriguez]

This morning laying with my head on my arm. Eyes closed. Noticing thoughts calling it a HEAD ON AN ARM.
Noticing thought called it PRESSURE INSIDE THE BODY.
Noticing thought calling it PRESSURE.
Noticing thought called it FEELING.
Noticing thought called it EXPERIENCE.
Noticing that thought calls it...
But it can't be called, not really.

Time is a thought.
I am 'before' thought and feeling. That can never be unseen.
Even if I wished, but that would be a thought.

Still, thoughts come and go. Sometimes 'they take 'me' over'. Although it is seen that's just not true.

However Nick, with eyes opened its a different STORY.
Thoughts 'take 'me' over.
Just have to LOOK.

Thanks man.
Keep asking questions.

[Nick]

Eyes closed or open is no different. It's just a picture. Is there anything watching the picture?

[annarodriguez]

Today was very busy at work. A lot of adrenaline, total identification with thought and feeling.
Habitual responding as if there was a me.
So, although nobody can convince me NOW that there is a seperate self, it can be completely 'forgotten' at times.
I see it does not really matter, just thoughts and feelings, nevertheless the contrast between today and yesterday could not have been bigger.
What's the same is thought and feelings always happening NOW. Everything allowed.
Just letting you know the feelings and thoughts here and those were: stress, contraction, disappointment.
When yesterday they were: happiness, openness, hope.
Now they are stories. Thought telling them. And apparently there are still expectations, why else would there be hope OR dissapointment. Nevertheless, expectations are thoughts, images, feelings, that have something to do with a 'future' or a 'past' which are also thought.

Did not have a chance to sit down until now. Didn't check out the picture :)

[annarodriguez]

Hello,

Don't know what to write anymore.
Is there anything left to know or to say? Is there anything left to understand or to see?
I don't have the idea that I've got IT, but I don't think there is any concept to be grasped.
I could keep writing thoughts and feelings down, which I don't own.
When I read back what I wrote down yesterday then they are just words. Don't have much meaning NOW.
Seperation is still here, but does it matter, does that mean it's real? Should it not be? What should be? Woulda,coulda, shoulda. :)
What is your take on this Nick?

[Nick]

"Separation is here"...

Describe the feelings and thoughts that equal separation.
Notice how they appear and disappear. Not eternal, not true or real.
Notice what IS real and true, what's the same now and now and now.

You call these feelings a separation but is there any real person or entity that is able to "have" that experience of separation?

LOOK right now, you're at the Gateless Gate... What is looking? What is experience-ing?!

[annarodriguez]

Hi Nick,

I need a few days. Is it okay if I send you a PM when I feel I have something to say?
I tried to respond to your last post a few times, but nothing holds.
I don't know how to explain, feel like I'm in a twilight zone.
Sometimes it feels like I don't really want to continue, I feel nauseated. I don't want to be left with no-thing. I don't know if that sounds strange. It's inevitable anyway, its gone too far, there is not really a thing to turn back to.
It's not like there's a choice in this. I did not choose to visit batgap, did not choose to come here.
Choosing never started. There is only now now now.
What is looking, still don't know. What I am? Don't know. Seperation? Yes, it will be here until it's not, due to thoughts or feelings, due to a feeling or thought that there is still something experiencing. But I understand your questions.
Sounds a little dramatic? Yes it does:). Do I take myself seriously? Not really.

PM you? Or just respond again on let's say, tuesday?

[Nick]

keep at it, don't give up.

"Sometimes it feels like I don't really want to continue, I feel nauseated. I don't want to be left with no-thing."

THAT is the fear coming up for real now. The ego will do anything to make you quit, it will play tricks to make you look away. It will even try to make you feel physically sick to force you to do something else.

Just keep focusing, keep looking at it. SEE where all this resistance and fear is coming from. It SEEMS like there's a "thing" called the self that's playing tricks with you but really there's nothing there, just a bunch of thoughts, patterns, habits, a complex process but nothing at its core. It's nothing dangerous or scary in reality. There never was a self, so you can't lose anything. There can't be nothing, if that were true then there would already be nothing, hahahaha. You see it's all a big joke. It's time for you to "get the punchline" and join in on the laughter.

So no, you do not have my permission to quit or take a break.
Nick the guide hits you with his stick **SMACK**
What is looking?
I await your next report.

[annarodriguez]

There can't be nothing, if that were true then there would already be nothing, hahahaha.

That's very true, I'm laughing now.
I guess I meant that once thoughts are seen to not be true, then anything so long believed in is also not true. Do I really want to face this. But you're right. No thought was true to begin with. So nothing to lose. Just illusion.

But what i have to keep doing is focusing on direct experience.
Did that a lot today. During showering, riding a car, attending a birthdayparty.
What's always here now?
Presence, awareness, experience in the shape of feelings and thoughts.
What's present, aware, experience-ing?
Can't describe it.
Just don't know. It feels like I'm looking for my glasses and they are on top of my head all along.
Nick the guide is pointing to them, but i don't know what he means, not really although there is a vague hint.
I can sense it's too simple.

Thanks for the smack/love.

[Nick]

i'm glad that you felt the love, hahaha, that's how i mean it to be.

yes, keep focusing, relaxing, letting it happen. you can't control it of course but its nothing to be afraid of really.

LOOK>> there is no you.
all this other stuff about pointing, looking, experienc-ing, can you find it in real life? you can find thoughts and words describing life but is there such a thing as YOU or ME or LOOKING or EXPERIENCING?? What do you find?

Nick :)

[annarodriguez]

Again, very busy today, work first, now visitors, so can't really take my time and reply, too busy to relax, almost no time to focus, although I try to gently focus anytime I remember or see a chance. I'm not stressing myself, really and if occasionaly I am, just feeling the stress, asking who is feeling it, not forcing it.
I was reading your post at work and the words made me relax more. Very clear.
Could you write something like that again? It may sound strange but the words hit 'something'
Tomorrow no work. Can keep relaxing, gently focusing, feeling.

Anna

[annarodriguez]

A lot of time today to sit.
Experience NOW:
Friends of my daughter are over, listening to their voices. Feeling annoyed now and then, trying to concentrate on what I'm writing.
Who is listening? There is not a me listening. Can't find a thing that is a me. Who is trying to find? Thinking about it, then only thoughts are noticed and tension in the body.
Where is my body? Can't locate it exactly. Can feel what I think are my legs on the chair. But if it's not named it's just experience. You told me that there is no such thing as YOU or ME. I believe that, but believe is just a thought.
Telling myself to trust that and drop the belief. But who is telling what to who? Again thoughts.
Feeling as if I'm close to seeing through the illusion as if the curtain is about to lift.
Many times today feeling as if 'I'm almost there' but those are just feelings. Still feelings and thoughts about a me getting somewhere. I see that they are just feelings and thoughts and so no problem.
I'm clear on the fact that what I'm looking for is not outside myself. It is not in what you say. It's always here now, direct. Although sometimes conditioning tells me to pick up a book or to go to youtube and to try to find some more information, it's known that that will just keep 'me' busy. Keep thoughts going in circles, because that's whats noticed too. Thoughts are just going in circles. Same circle over and over again. It's definitely not in what is thought or what is felt. It's about that there is not A ME feeling it. Just feeling, thinking.

Today sometimes sitting, waiting for what I'm gonna do next, because when one really pays attention, or rather gets still for no reason, it is noticed that you can't really know something until it happens. Won't know when I'll think something and act on it Was sometimes curious to see when 'she' was going to lift the arm. It was thought a few times already, but when it happened it was still a little surprise.

So I'm wondering what is giving the feeling that there is still a me doing and thinking although when looked for nothing is found, just sensations and thoughts. What is keeping this belief in place although it's an illusion. The illusion can't be willingly seen through.
All that can be done is follow the thoughts that want to find truth. To be still. To notice what's not true.

Time is a thought.
I am 'before' thought and feeling. That can never be unseen.
Even if I wished, but that would be a thought.

Still, thoughts come and go. Sometimes 'they take 'me' over'. Although it is seen that's just not true.

I wrote this down, very sincerely. That was just an experience. A memory now.

[Nick]

Anna, this is really good. Keep digging here.
You are so close, you are staring right at it, you just need to relax and stop pretending that you're not seeing it :)

"gateless gate"... what does that mean to you?

Nick

[annarodriguez]

Gateless Gate:
I'm already that. Recognizing that, meaning that BELIEF has dropped.

Today noticing that I still expect experience to be different than it is here/now.
But I notice it a lot so it is recognized as being just thought.
Focusing on the now. Which sometimes gives funny bodily responses. Like falling deeper and deeper when eyes are closed. Then thought starts yapping: "yeah, this is great, maybe you'll finaly see it now and then you can go and tell the world!" Seeing that for what that is, but it is annoying. Try to stay relaxed.

At work now, in front of the computerscreen.
I work in a rehabilitation centre for people addicted to any kind of substance or behaviour pattern.
A lot of stress, a lot of adrenaline inside the body, a lot of stories, a lot of dissatisfied people.
Hard to relax and look with 'soft' eyes. Responding to them as if there was a me and believing it.
Late shift today, early shift tomorrow, no time to relax in between. Already worrying about all the things I have to do tomorrow, at the same time seeing that that is totally useless.

I understand what you are saying.
It must be a little annoying sometimes to see that somebody is staring right at it, but keeps dancing around it.
I have that feeling sometimes, when I try to explain something which is very clear to me, but the other person is just not getting it.
Thank god annoyance is happening to no person :)
Good night.

Anna

[Nick]

Im glad that this seeing is happening, Anna. Belief is dropped and Gateless gate is here. You can try to dance around but I'm not fooled, haha.

Is there any you in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

Nick