Wanting to wakeup feels like its what's stopping awakening

[Anastacia42]

Ok

Keep looking.

[mayafreedom]

What does "separate" mean? I'm really looking at my experience but I don't know.

[Anastacia42]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/separate

ˈse-p(ə-)rət
1
a
: set or kept apart : detached
b
archaic : solitary, secluded
c
: immaterial, disembodied


Does that help?

[mayafreedom]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/separate

ˈse-p(ə-)rət
1
a
: set or kept apart : detached
b
archaic : solitary, secluded
c
: immaterial, disembodied


Does that help?

Yes, because it seems like the doubt thoughts are talking about dissolution, not seeing non-separateness. Like they are looking for ego to be gone, but clearly that's 8th not 1st fetter.

In my direct experience right now: there's spacious, open awareness. There's the senses like hearing and feeling and light. There are thoughts. There is witnessing/watching all of that, including the doubt thoughts. Nothing is apart.

It seems like it oscillates between feeling the spaciousness and then seeing doubt and not believing it and then dipping into and believing the doubt or intense craving/wanting awakening, and then back out into the spaciousness. Many times in a day.

[Anastacia42]

Yes. That's the 8th

Yes. You've watched 2 videos about how this back & forth is expected.

When you can say 100% there's no separate "self " you can try those questions again.

Loving,

[mayafreedom]

🙏🏻thank you 💕

I have an insight. I'm very clear that I'm not the first 4 khandas (body, feeling, perception, thought). I've clearly seen all of these come and go. Even time no longer makes sense as a continuous self.

But I think I am what's seeing -- the consciousness itself.

I know I saw that when I looked at the perceiver all I could see was the perceived. So this is clearly beginning to crack open.

Can you advise any pointers for seeing no separate/continuous self in consciousness?

[Anastacia42]

They're all for that.

Do you mean "awareness? "

That is not a self.


Loving

[mayafreedom]

They're all for that.

Do you mean "awareness? "

That is not a self.

Yes, consciousness (as it's said in the 5 khandas) or awareness.

Haha yes I assume you know awareness is not a self...

Hmm you say all the pointers are for seeing that. I don't get that.

I must be missing something.

[Anastacia42]

I don't know anything about "khandas."

Just practice ButtChair & letting go of doubt.

I suspect you're trying to go farther than we go here. We only get to the point of seeing no self. There are 7 more fetters. .

Loving,

[mayafreedom]

ButtChair: I woke up in the night just now and I could directly feel that this body is continuous with everything it's touching, it's ridiculous to think anything else.

I had contemplated before bed what can be seen so easily about time (not a little homunculus moving "through" but more "flat") must also be true about form/space, but couldn't see it.

There's no "separate" any*thing*

[Anastacia42]

That's great!

How does it FEEL to see this?

Loving,

[mayafreedom]

It feels light, clear, bubbly, energized, kinda hilarious, like so mundane the same way seeing the only place experience is happening is now was so obvious. Like saying the sky is blue.

And it's all still here. Not like a "state" it just feels obvious that the body form is part of all other form. That past/future are only thoughts, that consciousness co-arises with what is sensed (there's only the perceived, can't find a perceiver). I know these things directly from experience now. I didn't a month ago. Wow maybe even a week ago, except in fuzzy glimpses.

It's also obvious that doubt is in thoughts. Doubt thoughts come up saying sure sure you see some new apparent truths about perception, time, and form BUT don't delude yourself! You're probably missing something. There's got to be more to this.

[mayafreedom]

Oooooooohhhhhhhh I can see what's happening with the doubt thoughts. They are a categorizing thoughts themselves as "not forms" like sure the body is a form but thoughts... They must be some "separate things."

That can't be true! But that's where the stuck is! It's not 8th fetter it's still first, but it's much clearer where the delusion is now.

[Anastacia42]

There's got to be more to this.

There is not. It is that simple & that obvious.

feels light, clear, bubbly, energized, kinda hilarious, like so mundane the same way seeing the only place experience is happening is now was so obvious. Like saying the sky is blue.

That's exactly the kind of shift we're looking for.

Let me know when you're ready to answer the questions from where you are now.

Loving

[mayafreedom]

Reading through the questions it's mostly stuff about free will, decision making, some sense of agency that I still don't see through, or have doubt that I can 100% say for sure