The Gate

Can no answer be an answer?

Can everything being experienced right here right now be all of it?

Not a person doing, just this, all of this, being…

Can no answer be an answer?

there's just relaxation reading this.
it's not graspable, but I think there is a "coming to terms" with that.

Can everything being experienced right here right now be all of it?
Not a person doing, just this, all of this, being…

huh, there are thoughts coming about "all the exercises I should do again first". resolves to tension and relaxation throughout the body. cheeks, teeth, feet.

rereading the question.
there's a mental image coming up, of an "experiencer". where in the body...?
jittering coming slightly.
the frustration labeled "I will never be able to do this" coming up


I'm really afraid of looking.
when everything is noticed to be a mental image, what will be there to hold on to?
What will be there that is known?


there's a thought image of "a dark space behind the eyes / visual space, behind the world that I see"
felt finely in the cheeks and the lip, throughout the body. the temples, forehead. attuning and dissolving into this sensation.

oh becc..

it's like there's a movement here, that wants everything to stay the way it is used to know it.

when everything is noticed to be a mental image, what will be there to hold on to?
What will be there that is known?

You tell me…

Take a look and describe what is seen.

it's like there's a movement here, that wants everything to stay the way it is used to know it.

Is that possible? Does anything ever stay the same?

Feel where that resistance is in the body. Look there. Breathe.

Does that sensation in the body have anything at all to do with that thought?

when everything is noticed to be a mental image, what will be there to hold on to?
What will be there that is known?

You tell me…

Take a look and describe what is seen.

it's greatly relaxing. birds outside, a clock in the room making some noise
thought commenting

asking "what is *known*" a familiar sensation like fuzzy fog is felt.
breathing feels very fresh.
stories come and go.

each with a bodily sensation attached. Comes and goes.

asking "what is *known*" a sensation wanders through the body, massages through the face.

there comes an intuition about "solidity" or "grasp-a-bility" maybe.

is holding onto just a concept?
asking "what can be held onto"
specs of tension throughout the body.
it might seem like they can be held onto, but they just contract.

infinite expanse of nothing is felt.

thoughts about who it is that could fail this exercise.

there's a thought image concerning tension throughout the "body". the thought image "trys" to keep tab on all spots of tension, visually "maps" them out.
the image itself is felt as tension of face. arm. ear. lips.

Does that sensation in the body have anything at all to do with that thought?

no, it feels like there is body sensation first and foremost and then there's noise.

Is that possible? Does anything ever stay the same?

i don't know. I don't even know what it means to be a thing that could stay. from the body perspective it's just noise that uhm...
"colors and shapes" is a description that also hints at this "it's not really a thing".

With focus drifting anyway, there's no continuity like that outside of thought, for anything to stay the same.

Thought: "But is that applicable (...to my conundrum) ?"



Thought: "It feels like at any moment, "the shift could happen" (hard to word)
this, in a way, implies doership. it points to me, doing something.



Okay, I need to go, the ice cream shop closes soon, and between liberation of suffering and ice cream... well, that shop has super rare flavors like spring onion! (I will likely take the same sort I always take)
jokes aside, thank you becc and hope you have a very warming day:)

so, it was cucumber ice cream they have, which is much more reasonable

I think I want to talk about my "inner life" a little. Or what some call shadow work maybe.

I'm redoing the exercises about everything again these days and I just can't help feeling like a failure.
Even if they work (or seem to work a bit). I guess that feeling itself is what keeps clarity at bay.

part of me wants to just be "done with it", part of me wants to give up.
I wonder if I'm just misinterpreting shadow work that comes up.
because some things do become much more apparent

With the first thoughts every morning "I" feel awful, being drenched in thoughts right after waking up. And occasionally, these last few days, a recognition came, that it's all a story.

And when that recognition doesn't appear, there's quite a dread. On the one hand it resonates with that "failure" feeling, on the other hand, I just crave that relief.
Am I avoiding something here?

Am I circumventing something that presents itself?

i guess there's a lot of explanation or understanding "chatter" here.
maybe you know, what that means. stories explaining the world, describring and categorizing.


and you know, it's not quite understanding everything, it's more of an: "explanation comes".
And there's surrender and relief in giving up listening to explanations. it's felt very bodily.

Wanting to know everything, and giving up on it.

What is the dread actually about?

Take a look, what is the dread protecting?

The “failure” feeling is worth examining.

Not the thoughts of failure, the feeling itself. What is the raw sensation before the word failure arrives to explain it?

Yes this is a type of shadow work…

And what is the part of you that wants to be done with it outside of thought?

Thought: "It feels like at any moment, "the shift could happen" (hard to word)
this, in a way, implies doership. it points to me, doing something.

Exactly. There is an imagined future event… And an imagined someone who will receive it. It is a wanting to escape the actual sensations that are here. So that is where to go.

With the first thoughts every morning "I" feel awful, being drenched in thoughts right after waking up. And occasionally, these last few days, a recognition came, that it's all a story

It IS all a story. When recognition doesn’t come, is the story any less a story?

What is the dread actually about?

Take a look, what is the dread protecting?

So, there's sensation (in the stomach) labeled as "not so nice" or "too tense"

There's an impersonal sensation, like a "wall or protective layer within me, above the heart"

Thought coming up: "I can't do this (again and again)" (that last parst is somehwat implied here).

Oh, but that's "the spot", definitly.
And this feeling here is all about "giving up" or having given up. or rather interpreted that way.

it's really opaque and hollow now.

this feeling that opens up maybe mainly characterized by the surrounding uhm... by it's surroundings, which are thoughts like:

• it's difficult to know, what to do with this
• I don't know, what to do with this
• I don't understand it.

all of that is, you know, somewhat true, but more interestingly it's felt as tension here.
That feeling is somewhat of a "dumbness".

I wonder if "dumbness" can be accepted here?
it's not thought-level dumbness. it's sensation labeled as such.
(if you want to hear thought level dumbness, we have that in stock anytime. Just ask about my opinions on java programming or the current Bundeskanzler)

but can "dumbness" be accepted? here?
it even feels as if opinions (about the Bundeskanzler, that really got me annoyed and going) are protecting something.

for some reason what comes up is that "I'm completly done because you can just die, one moment to the next". probably just losely related.

maybe i don't enjoy feeling dumb, because "it doesn't protect me". maybe that's what they mean with "control". maybe all these explanations are a bargain for control and "dumbness" doesn't change anything.

there's that sensation, and also the assumption of a boundary to that sensation, which doesn't show up outside of a mental image.

The “failure” feeling is worth examining.

now, right now, I really see that "spec" of "i failed that" in every movement of thought and so.
Like that "I" in the sentence.

Just now the "but what if nothing can be held onto" thought came, and I just saw, and it was thouroughly fine.

failure feeling

ah, right, yeah.
it's a bodily sensation "underneath" the movement of thought.
labels such as "oh,... oh, right, ...i am sorry" come.
dissapointment is in there
labeled as "it must be dissappointment about myself".

"I don't want this feeling/sensation" thought came, as "too many thoughts dropped away"

there comes a state of recognizing this body sensation and the thought:
"but i can't always have that, so what's the use anyway?"

Thought: "I'm so worried about just rambling to you, wasting your time" comes,
along with mental image of a child, labeled "me" being really down and sorry and small and exhausted and sad and beaten (as in opposite of victorious).
and unloved.

very bodily (stomach/ tummy) relaxation. It's working through this body visceraly.

thought: "I don't want to feel like failure"

oh yeah, I think that's what "keeps" me from really trying this sometimes. Or trying and fighting myself in the process. or, you know, wants me to give up.

Not the thoughts of failure, the feeling itself. What is the raw sensation before the word failure arrives to explain it?

sensation/thought like "I'm sad, that I have to look there" comes.
which feels like a "lack of inhabiting sensation/space". Okay.

again.

Not the thoughts of failure, the feeling itself. What is the raw sensation before the word failure arrives to explain it?

it's a fleeting sensation. easy enough to find really.
a bit jittery and air-y (i.e. fleeting), like standing at the edge of a cliff and catching yourself, just before falling.

a bit like briefly pulling back from sensation and "inhabiting" it again.

but also thought labels.
like "I can't do this anymore"

again, it's noticed how "dumbness can't protect me", just sitting here.

what is the part of you that wants to be done with it outside of thought?

it came as a suprise, but there's not tangible thing that's dreadful about this.

It is a wanting to escape the actual sensations that are here. So that is where to go.

I will carry this with me.

It IS all a story. When recognition doesn’t come, is the story any less a story?

huh.. theres wondering about that here

its interesting to settle into what feels like "suffering" "unfullfilling" "missing" or "somethings wrong"

What is interesting, aside from a thought about it?

oh yeah, I think that's what "keeps" me from really trying this sometimes. Or trying and fighting myself in the process. or, you know, wants me to give up.

Is there a you who is responsible to try or not? to look or not? Is there a battle of these? Or just what is happening?

Is there a you who is responsible to try or not? to look or not? Is there a battle of these? Or just what is happening?

I think there's something labeled "conflict" or "struggle" and "intention to resolve that".
Somewhat of an desire to "explain" it as well.
The physical sensation is tension.

there's a gap between sensation and interpretation.
The sensation isn't really that awful.

What is interesting, aside from a thought about it?

that the suffering isn't suffering anymore.
it makes me sad in a way.

there's a gap between sensation and interpretation.
The sensation isn't really that awful.

The sensation is never that awful.
What is possible, or I guess a better word is available, in that gap?


And what is the sensation of ‘sad’? (if still accessible)

Hey Becca,

a "core" sentiment, reoccurring in all these practices, has become more clear.
There is want for "this to be over".

Showing up in practice as the sentiment "okay, so are we now with it (and can return back to everyday life)?"

when being in the body it's there as well.
the assumption that one can be done i guess.
Wait, is it an assumption?

an assumption that there's an "I" that wants to be done and get this over. move on to the next thing maybe.

an assumption that this has to be over at some point.

this being watching thoughts, sensing the body.

"What will I be without the possibility of this/anything being over?"
"will I be hurt?"

the assumption, that all this existence a prison
...that needs to be escaped

drugs, alcohol, coffee, self harm, youtube, reddit, enlightenment, seeking, food,
(know that I don't do all those anymore)

I find that desire to escape in everything, throughout life.
feeling it viscerally now.

what is "prison"?
because it is here now.

it has to do with the idea of a separate world and a separate me.
about not being able to walk out of this world for a while or for good.


(some hours later)
AAaaaaand, that how deep that got so far. That was really interesting.

What is possible, or I guess a better word is available, in that gap [between sensation and interpretation]?

a cheerful and content feeling became (more) obvious :)

I don't know how to answer this yet, but there's something. It does take something off my chest,
it's not all that bad.
there's not-believing thoughts, very nice.

testing assumptions is available.
Yeah, sitting with this a bit. Coming and going :)

And what is the sensation of ‘sad’? (if still accessible)

well, it's not uninteresting.
The innermost points of the respective eyes are felt. there's some other things going on, not at all yet describable.
(thought image of movement like in a lava lamp comes along sensation)
I think that's around it for now with "sad". that distinct tension inside the eyes corners is... might be "a good bulk of it" .


Good night Becc,
thank you for guiding (me) ❤️

it might be, that I won't find time to answer the second half of next week.
I'll be visiting a festival (that feels very new to me).
Let's see what happens, I'll say that again anyway. It just feels more right to give a heads up.

Lots of love!! :)

its a little bit odd to describe this, so here we go :)


"recent days" there's been a lot of watching what is labeled as "addiction to thoughts".
maybe it's just going to the sensation "underlying" thoughts, leaving interest in thought content and feeling into what that sensation actually is.

now, today is mainly about offering compassion. an asking for some compassion was noticed here.
it's still the same practice, even if it sounds different.

also interesting to see how "trying to hold on to some pratice" (i.e. the thought "how did I get here, how can I get in this state everytime I intent to") becomes apparent as futile here.
The the very same practice comes up again in a very differenet light. That couldn't have been found on purpose.