The Gate

‘I’ can never realize what ‘it’ is…

When not calling things anything, any they "open up" , there seems to come the come the thought
"what do I do with this?"
"I have to do something with this"
"and what now?"
"action is required"

Are any of these answerable? Are any True? Are any knowable? Does anyone own them?

Love you too!

Goodest of mornings Becc :)
Before answering, it was sooooo absurd yesterday, I was just straight up back in puberty.
I got offended soo quickly, oh man, oh boy. and all the other kinds of feelings, it was so much like puberty, I swear.
I have no doubt it has everything to do with all this and is normal (honestly, healing really)

Are any of these answerable?

That does something. It exposes something that might be "guarded"

Asking myself:
> what does it guard?

quite a bit comes up.
thought: "but what do I do with this?"
> Is that knowable?
it feels like absence of an answer comes as an answer. Bit hard to describe, words like spacious or empty might fit as well.

> Does anyone own that?
This one's not as easy and clear. It's not like nothing happens. There's actually perception interpreted as "owning"

thought image of a person facing that tension comes up.
Tension is in chest. Hands.
Thought: "I don't want to do this" comes

> Who owns that thought?
Same image comes. Lightness in right side of chest.
Thought: "I'm gonna die"
Thought: "Pain center flares up"
not calling pain, tension (or structure) is felt.
"Structure" feels like a really fitting description.
Left leg is felt intensely, left side of torso now. Lips.
Thought "I'm doing this good"

> Who owns that thought?

Lips are felt. Corners of mouth.
Heart, transforms to neck-vein (or so).
exhilarating spaciousness (around head??)
Thought image of head
gracious Sensation of microsoft teams ringing now. Aaaaaah

man Becc.
I just saw how many people you are guiding. I feel really touched by your moving in this world. I'm not sure if it means anything to write this, but it's honest.

thought: "but what do I do with this?"
> Is that knowable?
it feels like absence of an answer comes as an answer. Bit hard to describe, words like spacious or empty might fit as well.

Is this the same as when searching for self? The absence points to the answer…

Heart, transforms to neck-vein (or so).
exhilarating spaciousness (around head??)

Again, pointing out the non answer in who owns that thought?…

Can this sensation be located again? Can it be sat with, as a meditation? (sans teams call)

As for guiding, you are welcome to guide too. The only requirement is clear seeing. ;) The rest does itself.

The number built over time, for a while it was only one. Sometimes there is a thought, ‘ah I have plenty on my plate for now’ and then ‘I’ read a message and something is touched and a reply is written and there is another client. So I don’t own the movement in the world, it is more of a surrender to it, though even that word implies some sort of doing or choice which there isn’t.

The absence points to the answer…

huh, it's not as easy to phrase this, upon trying.
One one hand, no answer or not answer is really there, thought makes everything into something and the song goes on.
Okay. that out of the way.

ahm. Everything just is, as it is.

Oh man, Becc. I thought I had something to write down, but it's not at all like this looks as good when shaped into words 😄
Okay, now, DE.
Can't really say anything about this. Things already are, without "content"

I trust there is something about the absence of an answer, but I don't get the joke yet :)

"Who owns that thought?" seems to be useful still :)

Sometimes there is a thought, ‘ah I have plenty on my plate for now’ and then ‘I’ read a message and something is touched and a reply is written and there is another client

For what it's worth, I'd like to offer compassion. Whatever that really means 😄

so, there is some absence.

One one hand, no answer or not answer is really there, thought makes everything into something and the song goes on.

Yes precisely. Who owns that thought?
Who generates that thought?
Who is responsible for that thought?

Is there a joke to get? What is the expectation?


❤️

Yesterday I heard something in a bit of a non-spiritual contex, but I enjoyed it and want to share the words:

That which you are searching, is searching for you

Don't know what gives me so much joy about that phrase :)

Okay!

Side note;
I wonder if all tension is a resistance to look and an assumption.

what owns that thought?

It's like a tension or pulling away can be noticed upon asking that. Also floating, nothing Ness

Oh, "who owns that sensation? " seems like a good question!

I notice an increasingly simple and pointed inquiery in that direction.

What is the expectation?

I don't know. Right now there's little minding expectation.


There's just resolving here.
I feel like I'm barely able to differentiate the questions you ask here. It's all just resolving here and investigating

I wonder if all tension is a resistance to look and an assumption.

Find out :)

I feel like I'm barely able to differentiate the questions you ask here. It's all just resolving here and investigating

Yep. words words words…

Is seeking present?

Pretext_: just now seeing, that you wrote in the meantime :) will send regardless, even though it doesn't just yet address your comment. Love!

what seems most fruitful is that these investigations make points of resistance obvious. (just now I thought I'd write about how much this sucks, and what do I tell you, that was just the resistance i mean).

Sincerely, it's also a bit of a complex feeling. Like I'm sorry for myself, that I have to "go through this" (resistance).
But even more frustratingly, I would be miserable in ignorance.
I wish I could just pull out what's inside here, and show you. It's not at all easy (resistance).
There's a tiredness in me. And I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry for that and I feel so used up. (intense sensation in muscles of leg and foot.)
I wish I could die. (I'm not suicidal, though not writing that would be resisting it. It's a sentence that occasionally comes. It feels okay)
I don't want to fight anymore (thought. resistance easing).
I don't want to die.
(thought. confusion is felt.
Sensation around the eyes and somewhere nowhere, that I often call "pain in heart".
I feel like part of these exercises get very difficult when doing them "cold" and without the heart.
I'm not sure if the words "heart" in these last two sentences mean remotely the same thing.
But right now, there is a lot of heart with me. It makes everything okay.).

Who owns that sensation?

I feel afraid. Like I'm not ment to look there. I also feel hurt, or failing, like a fraud, because I wouldn't know, what "look there" means or how to do that. I'm crying. thoughts come and I just note how alien they feel and hug them.

What about me, where am ?

Like staring in a black hole. Or as if it's staring at me.
Trying to hug this direct experience is like pouring love out and it's gone.
Thoughts come, and I hug them. (I don't know, what that means, I just do)

I'm afraid, obviously. Hugging turns sensation into love really, and I'm even afraid of the love.
(Sorry, this has so little to do with your teachings here, but I trust it's meaningful).

I can huge the "afraid", and only the shaking remains, as if felt from inside the body.
In a way there is no witness.
holding my couch and it's very grounding.
Door ringing, the thought comes like I'm a little bit relief, that this looking is over. That's Resistance.
I'm also afraid it's over and I don't have time. Anxious. Wow, quite a dive into timelessness. The purity of sound coming. Like waves, undisturbed.

Maybe it doesn't take a lot to do these exercises and lookings. Maybe I won't find a final answer to anything.

Feeling anxious about losing this.

She's about to take a nap now, I wanna go and hug here :)
Thought comes about doing so many things (like showing here a lego set looking just like her horse), and there's suffering. in that. Being overwhelmed, not being able to do everything, or worse, having to do everything. That concepts hurts really.
Or it is hurt. (hugging it)

HHOOOOLY SHUIT What was that? Bppppppppp. Fuck. What? Am I reading into this? FUCK.
Thought: Am I just pretending, that something has happend? <= resistance.
Sensation/thought of: "there was something right now" like it's attainable "again" with effort, which is an Illusion.
Thought: I can't possibly know that.
Thought: Fuck you thought <= resistance. Hugging.
Hugging everything.

a very intellectual persona comes up. hugging. a very tired persona. hugging.

me?

hugging

who's doing the hugging?

thought: I wanna die
thought: Not this again.
resistance, hugging it.
off to a nap

Is seeking present?

Something flares up, when asked.
Tension ins forearms. Heart. Feet (?). Toes. Right Cheek. sound of breathing. Lips. Relaxation.
Thought: I don't know.
Sensation in Eyes. Around the eyes. Slightly further to the ears.
Thought: I never understood, what the purpose of this is.
Asking again.

Is seeking present?

Feels like an arrow pointing at "me". Now it's not so easy to word anymore.

Holy shit, this is supreme. Fuck. Sorry for swearing, is it too much?

There's this pattern of "giving up upon not knowing what to do".

God, it's good.

Again, that pattern.
Annoyance comes. Compassion is offered. It's all so very good.

Is the hugging, and/or the compassion a doing? Or is it what remains in the absence of a chooser, a controller and a separate self?

Is there anyone here to ‘go through this’?
To fight?

Is the hugging, and/or the compassion a doing?

When asking, the hugging can already be found. That seems to have meaning, but it's not yet the answer.
there's no me to be found, that does the hugging. That is not yet understanding, but also good to see.

Everything outside of the "currently focused" sensation is thought, right? Wow, that makes the world smaller again.

Nowhere to be found a doing or doer, just "preexisting condition" (that is too formal to hit the nail on the head by the way. Just the best I can do to describe this).

Or is it what remains in the absence of a chooser, a controller and a separate self?

There's something interpreted as a "controller". A tension that feels personal.
Thought: "I haven't breathed (fresh) air for a long time"

That is eye opening. I feel very in contact with something, that has been here since immensely long

(sending for now)

There's something interpreted as a "controller". A tension that feels personal.

Does the tension itself say “I am a person”?
…or does thought say that ABOUT the tension?