The Gate

Hello dear Deborah,

I got nothing for the longest time, then it came – - The little girl-memory thought who believed in Santa and fairy tales.

What is it that these beliefs provided? And also the Christian belief structure. What are the illusions? Safety? Comfort? Hope? Unconditional love? Someone else to entrust with control? Let’s investigate the underlying belief directly. What did the sense of a you attain by these beliefs?

Sometimes there are feelings of overwhelm with thoughts of all the things I think I want and need to do, but just don’t have the time for - all these practices, meditating…. For who?? To fuel the seeker who never finds?

Excellent noticing here.

What happens in the body the moment the thought hits: “I should meditate… I should do more… I’m not doing enough”?

Is it a contraction? A pulling in? A subtle closing?
That’s the seeker.

It’s not you feeling overwhelmed, it’s the pattern of seeking revving its engine again. Same loop, different content. Before it was Christian devotion. Now it’s meditation and “awareness.” Different clothes but same hunger.

And you see it. So the invitation is: Don’t feed it.

No more checking whether you’re progressing.
No more practicing for some future state.
No more effort on behalf of an imagined someone.

Right now can you stop? Not physically stop, but stop chasing the phantom of “a better state”?

What is left if there’s no “you” who needs to improve?

Feel that. Let the body respond. Don’t reach for silence. Don’t reach for stillness. Let whatever is here explode in its rawness.

Then tell me:
If there’s no seeker… who are all these practices for?
And who would you be without that story?

Much love,
Becca

Hi Becca,

Thank you for your reply. I’m glad you could make sense of what I sent last night.

What is it that these beliefs provided? And also the Christian belief structure. What are the illusions? Safety? Comfort? Hope? Unconditional love? Someone else to entrust with control? Let’s investigate the underlying belief directly. What did the sense of a you attain by these beliefs?

Those beliefs provided hope for sure. Hope that things could be different, better, happier… that maybe, just maybe, Deborah’s dreams could come true and she’d finally be happy. I’d like to say - a form of unconditional love - because it certainly wasn’t unconditional. There were many conditions and thus the feelings of not being good enough - for love, for the fulfillment of dreams, hopes, and even awakening to the truth of my true nature.

I know that is all incorrect and skewed by years of conditioning and misperceptions and misunderstandings, but that’s how it played out and those are the beliefs.

What happens in the body the moment the thought hits: “I should meditate… I should do more… I’m not doing enough”?

Is it a contraction? A pulling in? A subtle closing?
That’s the seeker.

Pressure, tension. It feels like being pulled in two directions at the same time! And conflict and confusion.
I guess that describes the seeker, hey?

It’s not you feeling overwhelmed, it’s the pattern of seeking revving its engine again. Same loop, different content. Before it was Christian devotion. Now it’s meditation and “awareness.” Different clothes but same hunger.

I read this and remembered reading something like it years ago, thinking, “that won’t be me. I won’t make that mistake.” Haha!
You are absolutely right. I totally see it. Feel it.

What hit me just now was a feeling of fear. I questioned it and I think that I’m afraid to stop seeking because I’m afraid that I’ll never find what I so deeply long for - intimacy with the truth of my being/Being Itself - because I’m not good enough. I have to do more, etc. I see that much more clearly now and I don’t know how to stop the seeking. The pull of that fear seems strong.
There’s always been an attitude of never giving up on finding my true self. It appears that I’ve gotten in quite a rut in that regard.

So the invitation is: Don’t feed it.

Okay. I will do my best to SEE that those are thoughts appearing in THIS. Whatever I am, I am aware OF those thoughts. They are not me; they are not mine.

Right now can you stop? Not physically stop, but stop chasing the phantom of “a better state”?

It’s so hard because there are many desires about wanting life to appear differently than it is (I see the belief that 'I can control things' there), but if I can stay in moment-tight compartments, I can stop chasing that phantom.

What is left if there’s no “you” who needs to improve?

(deep breath) oh my goodness. What a relief! If there’s no me, no Deborah, who needs to improve, then there’s just this. Then tension slips away.

If there’s no seeker… who are all these practices for?
And who would you be without that story?

Wow… That is powerful on so many levels, not just ‘the seeker.’
Who would I be without the story? Free. Not trying to change anything or be somebody. (Wow - that last bit just came out as I was typing).

… I wouldn’t be the seeker.


I’m going to sit with that for a while.


Thank you, Becca.

Warmly
Deborah

Wonderful Deborah,

What a beautiful process is here unfolding.

Read back through your last post and continue now to be with the echo of what wrote itself at the end.

And then…
if it can be seen that the seeker is an illusion, can it also be seen that there never was a seeker?

Can there be a release from this loop?

there are many desires about wanting life to appear differently than it is

Do you generate those desires? Or do they just appear? Look at the moment a desire shows up. Does it announce itself? Does it ask permission?

Or does it just show up? Like a ripple in water.

So now:
WHO wants things to be different?

Just stop and watch the wanting rise. Not the content of what arises. The process itself. Is there a “Deborah” behind that craving? Or is it just another ripple pretending to be someone?

The fear may rise again. The thought may scream “But I’ll never get there if I stop seeking!” See it as an automatic process, the mechanism of the illusion.

There is no self to improve dies alongside there is no thing or state to attain. It is all a hallucination about the future.

Come back to the senses. What is seen, heard, tasted, smelled. Thoughts continue to arise in this experience but the content of the thoughts is always a hallucination about past or future, an attempt to control or predict what can never by anyone throughout the whole of time be controlled or predicted.

So what is all the efforting for?

Does anything at all need to happen for this to be whole?

Much love,
Becca

Hi Becca,

Thank you very much for your note and bringing so many things in my blind spots to my attention.
The last day and a half I’ve really done my best to stay focused on direct experience as much as possible. I’ll catch a thought or story and bring my attention back to a sensation or sound.

if it can be seen that the seeker is an illusion, can it also be seen that there never was a seeker?
Can there be a release from this loop?

This seems trickier. I’m going to let this one percolate some more. I’m sure the answer is ‘yes,’ but I want to sit with it longer.

Do you generate those desires? Or do they just appear? Look at the moment a desire shows up. Does it announce itself? Does it ask permission?

Or does it just show up? Like a ripple in water.

So now:
WHO wants things to be different?

Just stop and watch the wanting rise. Not the content of what arises. The process itself. Is there a “Deborah” behind that craving? Or is it just another ripple pretending to be someone?

I got to live this many times in the last day and a half.
Do I generate those desires? ‘I’ who? The I-thought? No. That thought is already long gone. Awareness? No. Deborah? Nope. I couldn’t find anyone who generates those desires. They just appear. They seem to appear in relation to something that’s been seen or heard, but not always.
They don’t announce themselves nor do they ask permission.

WHO wants things to be different? I couldn’t find anyone, only thoughts. Not even ‘my’ thoughts. They’re thoughts from society, tv, social media, etc. (Wow… very Interesting).

…See it as an automatic process, the mechanism of the illusion.

That’s helpful - thank you.

Come back to the senses. What is seen, heard, tasted, smelled. Thoughts continue to arise in this experience but the content of the thoughts is always a hallucination about past or future, an attempt to control or predict what can never by anyone throughout the whole of time be controlled or predicted.

So what is all the efforting for?

I’ve really been noticing this more and more - especially as I continue to bring my attention back to the senses. I see the attempt to control and predict for safety or comfort.
What is all the efforting for?
I think it’s mostly programming and habit. We overlook our true nature then use effort to try to get back to ourselves rather than just stop overlooking and be with what is here right now.


I also want to share more about your note from yesterday.
You wrote, “If there’s no seeker… who are all these practices for?
And who would you be without that story?”

When I read that, it hit me. And at the time, I could only think of what I wrote - that I’d be free; not trying to change anything or be somebody. That hit me, too, because it came out of nowhere.

On my walk yesterday evening, I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had leaped ahead 2 steps and made 10 steps backwards because I’ve been having such a difficult time exposing the false-I... so I prayed. The All has helped me in the past so I asked for help in seeing through this belief.

My contemplations led me to really dialing into what Deborah is. I sat this morning for a while noticing the sensation in the chest that ‘feels’ like ‘me’, the thought, the sound of the voice, and asking - does a sensation, belief-thought, and a sound make a person? No. They only make a sensation, a belief-thought, and a sound. They don’t make anyone nor do they belong to anyone.

Then, the past week or so, I’ve been looking for this me/I person when doing everything. When driving - I ask where’s the driver? In the foot? In the legs? The hands? The head? Nowhere can I find a driver. I’ve been doing this during other activities, too. I’ve been looking for the hearer of hearing, the sensor of sensation, etc.

A (seeming) big one came tonight. I stopped reading your note after your words:
“Read back through your last post and continue now to be with the echo of what wrote itself at the end.”


So, I did go back. The question came again - WHO is Deborah? A vision-thought of a tornado came to mind. How a tornado is just energy or wind appearing as a solid funnel, but when it dissipates, it goes back to being just air. Then the comment about ‘the story.’ WHO would I be without the story? Without the story of being the spiritual one? Being the pretty one, the ugly one, the goofy one, the stupid one, the smart one? The fearful one? The shy one, the misfit or the special one?
Then the realization came —-- and the tears, too —---- I’d be NOBODY.
Nobody.
Free.
Free to BE. Be whatever. Free to flow and change, not have any labels. Or stories.


Warmly,
Deborah

Hello, nobody,

Free to BE. Be whatever. Free to flow and change, not have any labels. Or stories.

Yes. Undefined. Vacant but not empty.

There isn’t much to offer here. The dismantling is occurring, the trance is breaking. The stories are being seen through one by one.

With respect to there never having been a seeker though, I’ll offer this exploration of time.

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?
Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?
Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?
How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?
Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?
How long does the ‘now’ last?
Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?
When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?
What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?
So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

Can anything you’ve ever called “Deborah” be found, now, without referring to memory or thought?

Much love,
nobody

Hello :)

The whole subject of time is very fascinating and mind blowing. Something I want to spend more time with.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

No.

Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?

It seems that way. Speaking is an example — words flow together to make sentences.

Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

Speaking is the example.

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

It’s either faster than a nanosecond or it’s a complete misnomer because in it’s very moment of coming, it’s already leaving.

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

I can’t find where it began.

How long does the ‘now’ last?

See above.

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

I don’t know. Before I even finish saying, “I..” the now is already gone into the next ‘now’.

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?

The ‘now’ never becomes the past or it wouldn’t be now.

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

In actual experience, all I can find are thoughts.

So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

Just thoughts about ‘time.’ BUT - what about the image in the mirror? There’s a familiarity with it. Where do the memory-thoughts come from? And the conditioning of this image/character?

Can anything you’ve ever called “Deborah” be found, now, without referring to memory or thought?

No - nothing. I don’t even recognize the image in the mirror. There’s the familiarity, but it’s not the same face from 2 years ago, 10 years ago, etc.

The ‘seeker’ is just another story that makes the ‘tornado’ of Deborah seem real/substantial.
And if there is no Deborah, there is no seeker either. If there’s only now, there never was a seeker. It was just a web of thought to (seemingly) get tangled up in.


Warmly
Just this

Bonjour,

You’ve peeled back a major layer here: there is no direct experience of time, only thought about it. Let’s go deeper.

When you say “words flow,” pause.

What is actually happening? Don’t answer from memory or analysis. Let it stop you. Right now. Are you speaking? Are you hearing sound? Is there “a next word” arriving? Or just sound… followed by more sound?

Is there a line of time anywhere in that?



Where is “the past” stored, really? Go looking. Not in your head—feel into it.

Can you feel the past, or do you only find present sensations, with a thought overlay?

Before I even finish saying ‘I…’ the now is already gone into the next ‘now’.

That’s the lie of thought trying to catch something that doesn’t move. The ‘now’ doesn’t pass. Only thought creates that illusion.

Look anew:
Is there anywhere that now begins or ends?
Is there ever more than this?

Where do the memory-thoughts come from?

Almost everybody believes that a memory thought is referring to something that has happened. That a memory thought is a different thought than a non-memory thought.

Please don’t go to thought explanations, but just let a memory be there, and look at it. Look at what is actually going on and not what thoughts say - but what actually is.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

Then, look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?
WHEN does the future thought appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

Then let’s compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference and how is that difference is known exactly?

Do you see the memory “coming from” somewhere?
Or does it simply… appear?
Is there any difference between a memory thought and any other thought?

Also, speaking of the image of the mirror, I never gave you this exercise, but it is a good one if there is time for it this weekend:

Here is an investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen.
Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a large mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body perhaps cannot be seen. If not, adjust position so some parts are cut off in the image.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs or whatever is cut off in the image, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

❤️

Becca, there's a lot here (in your last note) - - I'd like to take another day to sit with it and do the questions again.

Thank you!

Deborah

Wow, Becca, there was lots to sit with. Here are my replies:

When you say “words flow,” pause.

What is actually happening? Don’t answer from memory or analysis. Let it stop you. Right now. Are you speaking? Are you hearing sound? Is there “a next word” arriving? Or just sound… followed by more sound?

Is there a line of time anywhere in that?

Where is “the past” stored, really? Go looking. Not in your head—feel into it.

Can you feel the past, or do you only find present sensations, with a thought overlay?

I, Awareness, am not actually speaking. I’ve spent a fair bit of timeless time looking at this one and have discovered that speaking is just thought with a soundtrack. All speaking is just verbal thinking. I’ve only learned to associate the sound of the voice with ‘me,’ but it’s not me at all. It’s like anything else that comes and goes - sounds, sensations, etc.

“A line of time” has me stumped because it really seems like one sound follows another in a coherent fashion, whether it’s the voice speaking, a particular line of thoughts, traffic noise - the motorcycle quiet, getting louder, then disappearing again.

The Past - I can’t find anywhere that the past is stored. ‘They’ say the body keeps the score, but I can’t find anywhere in the body that the past is actually stored, either. I can’t feel the past; I can’t go back in time and feel the full feelings that were ‘there’, all I have is present sensations overlaid with thought.

The ‘now’ doesn’t pass. Only thought creates that illusion.
Look anew:
Is there anywhere that now begins or ends?
Is there ever more than this?

This makes perfect sense… ‘the now doesn’t pass’ otherwise it wouldn’t be now. So, are you saying that time passes through me? Or is the whole thing of time an illusion? I think it’s an illusion (there goes thought again) because if there’s only Awareness/Consciousness, which is only ever present now, then there is no time. I just don’t understand how events seem to flow.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

Memory is just thoughts or a thought.
It is made of thought-stuff or Consciousness (me, my true nature)
Memory thoughts only appear now.
A general thought is just general - it can refer to anything, but a memory thought refers specifically to something that (apparently) happened in the past. They are both made of the same thought-stuff.
How is it known EXACTLY? I can’t say unless I have a photograph to ‘prove’ it. Otherwise, there’s no way at all to know that a memory thought refers to something that actually happened.

But wait - looking at the photographs in the room here… for the great majority of them, I, the character, wasn’t even around to witness the time/place/event. They are just images of familiar faces AND if the face in the mirror doesn’t belong to me, how can those other images belong to anyone at any time or place? Hmm. (I allow the mind to be blown).

Re: the future.
The same answers except that the future is way more uncertain. Or so it seems/feels.

What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference and how is that difference is known exactly?


Do you see the memory “coming from” somewhere?
Or does it simply… appear?
Is there any difference between a memory thought and any other thought?

My understanding of the difference between thoughts of the past and future is that the past happened; the future is strictly fantasy. Even if we’ve gone for coffee everyday for the last year and the mind believes it will happen again tomorrow - it may not. Something unexpected may happen and we never get that coffee.
Both past and future thoughts are made of the same thought-stuff/Consciousness.
How is the difference known? I think it’s only the familiarity that makes them different. The past seems sure, the future doesn’t. The past HAS happened, the future has not.
I don’t see memory ‘coming from’ somewhere literally. I don’t see it coming like a car coming down the road. The majority of the time they just appear, although many times they seem to be triggered by something in current experience. As an example, if I’m spending time with my daughter, I’ll remember things about when she was little or even last year or week.
I think there is a difference - I think a memory thought refers specifically to an experience of the past and other thoughts can be about anything even though they are made of the same stuff.


The mirror exercise”
I only did this twice and will come back to it as there seems to be much more to discover here.

(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?

There is no connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror.
There are just thoughts trying to make that connection, but it clearly doesn’t exist.

(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?

No connection.
When I look at the hand directly there definitely SEEMS to be a connection, but I’ve played with this a bit now and I’ve noticed that sensations almost always feel bigger than the visual of the body part it supposedly represents. It still seems tricky/sticky. As I type, the sensations in the ‘fingers’ match the movement of the fingers. But the sensations linger longer. And… If I didn’t know that I had a hand or fingers, there would be no sense of connection at all.

(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?

No, the image by itself does not, in any way, suggest that is me or my body.
“Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?”
This seems more challenging to see, but the image itself could just as well be a mannequin or a random shape of something; not necessarily a body.
Without memory, there are only colors and shapes.

(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body perhaps cannot be seen. If not, adjust position so some parts are cut off in the image.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs or whatever is cut off in the image, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?

Just by the image in the mirror, there is no knowledge that there must be a leg or arm. Only thoughts and mental images suggest so.

(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

7. No body can be found - just sensations.

8. Without seeing, there is just sensations and thoughts ABOUT walking. Walking can’t actually be found.

9. The second one - just an image labelled ‘room’ and sensations without any location.


Thank you!

D.

Really nice looking here. It was a lot of deconstruction in one go. :)

I, Awareness, am not actually speaking

Hold on a minute. You just left the fire and ran back into a concept. I=awareness is a thought. It is not direct. It is not what is happening. It’s the seeker’s last line of defense.

Here’s how it works: you burn the idea of “self,” but then smuggle it back in through the back door as “Awareness.” Capital A. Nice and spiritual. Untouchable.

But look. Where is Awareness?
Can you show it?

Not the idea, not the sense, not the state. Right now, raw, can you actually find a thing called Awareness?
Or is it just a label pasted on the fact that something is happening?

Strip even that. Stop trying to be what’s happening. Just let it be. No knower. No witness. No “I.” Let it all fall through.

So, are you saying that time passes through me? Or is the whole thing of time an illusion?

Forget what’s “said.” What’s here?

Do you move through time, or do only thoughts arise, now, that imply a past and predict a future?

Right now can you find “time”? Not thought about time. Not change. Time. Where is it?

How is the difference known? I think it’s only the familiarity that makes them different. The past seems sure, the future doesn’t. The past HAS happened, the future has not

Are you sure?

Check. Go look. Right now. Where is the certainty coming from? What is the actual, felt difference between a “memory” and a “fantasy”?

If you can’t find that difference what happens to the belief in “past”?

Can you prove the past has happened? Or is a thought, just like any thought about the future, plus another thought saying “this happened” or “I experienced this”.

It still seems tricky/sticky. As I type, the sensations in the ‘fingers’ match the movement of the fingers.

That’s where the stickiness is. Thought glues one to the other. But pause. Is there really a single, unified event called “typing” happening? Or just flashes… tactile pulses, light changes… stitched by narrative?

If I didn’t know that I had a hand or fingers, there would be no sense of connection at all.

That’s the gateway. Stay there. Sit and not know you have fingers. Feel how the narrative tries to rush in and paste identity on sensation. Can you let it fail?


Lots of really clear seeing going on D. Just exploring some gaps in more depth.

-B

Hello,

Let’s deconstruct some more!

I=awareness is a thought. It is not direct. It is not what is happening. It’s the seeker’s last line of defense.

Here’s how it works: you burn the idea of “self,” but then smuggle it back in through the back door as “Awareness.” Capital A. Nice and spiritual. Untouchable.

Wow. Thank you for showing that blind spot. It’s evident that that still creates a subject/object split. I am not aware OF something, there’s just hearing (if there’s sound), seeing (if that’s what’s happening). Even saying that everything appears IN this awareness is a misnomer because there is nothing else. Is that correct?

But look. Where is Awareness?
Can you show it?

Not the idea, not the sense, not the state. Right now, raw, can you actually find a thing called Awareness?
Or is it just a label pasted on the fact that something is happening?

Awareness is here. It’s this. I can’t show it; I can’t find a thing called Awareness. It’s just a label.

Strip even that. Stop trying to be what’s happening. Just let it be. No knower. No witness. No “I.” Let it all fall through.

That really hit this morning.

Do you move through time, or do only thoughts arise, now, that imply a past and predict a future?

Right now can you find “time”? Not thought about time. Not change. Time. Where is it?

I don’t move through time. It’s thought.
I can’t actually find time.

Are you sure?

Check. Go look. Right now. Where is the certainty coming from? What is the actual, felt difference between a “memory” and a “fantasy”?

If you can’t find that difference what happens to the belief in “past”?

Sitting with this, I couldn’t find an actual felt difference. What I did find, though, was I-thoughts and me-thoughts - perhaps that is what makes thoughts of the ‘past’ feel familiar. They are thoughts appearing now with the ‘me’ or ‘I’ in them.

With no difference between the two, the belief in the past falls away, and all the sting that was attached to it.

Can you prove the past has happened? Or is a thought, just like any thought about the future, plus another thought saying “this happened” or “I experienced this”.

I can’t prove that the past has actually happened, but what about a scar or tattoo or grown child? Is it all just appearing now for the first time? And thought lays ‘the past’ on it by saying, ‘this happened’ or ‘I experienced this’? Is thought gluing these together as well?

That’s where the stickiness is. Thought glues one to the other. But pause. Is there really a single, unified event called “typing” happening? Or just flashes… tactile pulses, light changes… stitched by narrative?

Yes, I see this. It appears that the whole of life is stitched together by narrative.

That’s the gateway. Stay there. Sit and not know you have fingers. Feel how the narrative tries to rush in and paste identity on sensation. Can you let it fail?

Yes.


Thank you, B

Hi,

I am not aware OF something, there’s just hearing (if there’s sound), seeing (if that’s what’s happening). Even saying that everything appears IN this awareness is a misnomer because there is nothing else. Is that correct?

Yes. Nothing in between. No barrier. No bubble of awareness within which all of it takes place. No separate self.

“In the seen, there will be only the seen. In the heard, there will be only the heard. In the sensed, there will be only the sensed.”

Right now — can you find any line, edge, or border between “you” and “this”? Look closely.

If there is only seeing, and no seer — is there any room left for an “I” at all?

Does that “I” arise except as a thought about what’s happening?

And if so, is the thought of “I” doing anything? Does it see? Hear? Decide? Or is it a label slapped on after the fact?

Is there any separation in actual experience (not in thought, but here) between experience and experiencer?

What I did find, though, was I-thoughts and me-thoughts - perhaps that is what makes thoughts of the ‘past’ feel familiar. They are thoughts appearing now with the ‘me’ or ‘I’ in them.

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?

Let me know how you go and what you notice.

I can’t prove that the past has actually happened, but what about a scar or tattoo or grown child? Is it all just appearing now for the first time? And thought lays ‘the past’ on it by saying, ‘this happened’ or ‘I experienced this’? Is thought gluing these together as well?

Yes. Thought is gluing it all together. But glue only works when there’s something to stick to, and in direct experience, there isn’t!

Look at the scar. Look at the tattoo. Look at the grown child. What is actually present?

Color. Texture. A shape. A face. Just visual sensation. Or maybe sensation-plus-thought.

Isn’t the “history” of the scar just a thought appearing now? Is the scar doing anything? Is there pain from it right now? Or just a certain shape, a feeling, and then: “This means __.”

Same with the tattoo. Same with the child. The child is not “grown.” That’s a narrative. There’s just this human, this size, this face, now.

So yes it’s all appearing for the first time. Every time.
There is no continuity outside of story. There is no past without a thought claiming “this happened.”

Can you find anything, anything, that proves something existed a moment ago… outside of a thought appearing now??

Test it. Don’t answer with logic. Sit in it first.

Is there ever anything but now?
Then where are you in it?

-B

Hello -

QUOTE; “In the seen, there will be only the seen. In the heard, there will be only the heard. In the sensed, there will be only the sensed.”

Right now — can you find any line, edge, or border between “you” and “this”? Look closely.

Nice quote to sit with. No line, no edge, no border. Just wide open this.

If there is only seeing, and no seer — is there any room left for an “I” at all?

Does that “I” arise except as a thought about what’s happening?

No separation = no room for an ‘I’ at all.

The ‘I’ only arises as a thought about itself or about what’s happening

And if so, is the thought of “I” doing anything? Does it see? Hear? Decide? Or is it a label slapped on after the fact?

Is there any separation in actual experience (not in thought, but here) between experience and experiencer?

Thoughts don’t DO anything, they only THINK they do.
There is no separation.

Get a sheet of paper…

I expected a lot more I-thoughts, but perhaps it was less because there is tiredness here. I set a timer and the first thought was an image-thought of my daughter and ‘there’s no one there.’ Then a noticing/label of the sound from the furnace fan. Then the selfing thought, ‘I’m tired.’ Then noticing sounds outside - traffic, birdsong, then the thought, ‘It’s this.’ Then the timer went off.

So, I counted 4 ‘other’ thoughts and 1 ‘self’ thought.
I think being tired really quieted the mind, but that could be a story. The mind was just quiet.
I noticed how incredibly peaceful it is when the mind is quiet AND that it can be quiet.

I had read a portion of Ilona’s book where she recommended someone think of thoughts and thinking like a radio, so that’s what I did today. Thoughts would come ‘on’ and I’d just think, ‘oh, that’s just the radio in the background. I don’t have to give it/them any attention.’

Isn’t the “history” of the scar just a thought appearing now? Is the scar doing anything? Is there pain from it right now? Or just a certain shape, a feeling, and then: “This means __.”

Same with the tattoo. Same with the child. The child is not “grown.” That’s a narrative. There’s just this human, this size, this face, now.

Yes - that’s what I suspected. Will sit with this some more to SEE it clearly.

Can you find anything, anything, that proves something existed a moment ago… outside of a thought appearing now??
Is there ever anything but now?
Then where are you in it?

Nope. Nothing.
Only now.
Only this.
No ‘me.’


Nome :)

Hello to the emptiness,

I think being tired really quieted the mind, but that could be a story. The mind was just quiet.
I noticed how incredibly peaceful it is when the mind is quiet AND that it can be quiet.

Lovely.

I had read a portion of Ilona’s book where she recommended someone think of thoughts and thinking like a radio, so that’s what I did today. Thoughts would come ‘on’ and I’d just think, ‘oh, that’s just the radio in the background. I don’t have to give it/them any attention.’

Great. Now, can the volume ok the radio be turned down?


How is life these days? What is being noticed or appearing outside of these inquiries?

Is there anything that seems ripe to investigate or explore?

❤️

Thank ‘you’ - hello ❤️

Great. Now, can the volume on the radio be turned down?

I think so. Not sure how that would happen, though.

How is life these days? What is being noticed or appearing outside of these inquiries?

Is there anything that seems ripe to investigate or explore?

Funny, you should ask. I found Pernile and the Awakening Curriculum a couple weeks before Liberation Unleashed, not knowing that they were related in any way, and have been thinking about getting a guide to go through the fetters. Not sure if that’s something you do, as well, or not.


To answer the question - - Life is okay/good. ‘Same old’ it seems. Noticing a lot of thoughts and feelings of longing for something different still - wanting a ‘positive’ change.

- Fears of starting and failing at business have diminished to virtually nil. I’ll notice a random thought, but the charge is gone. I’m starting a business for the enjoyment of it and to (possibly) change the way life looks, but the fear of failing is gone. It would be nice if it works, but it would be just as fine if it doesn’t.

- Still sitting in contemplation in the evenings, questioning the beliefs/feelings of being a person. Being openness just doesn’t seem as constant as I’d like (I know you’re going to come back to me on that one!), but it still feels like there’s a lot of selfing going on. I don’t know how to tell the difference.

- But - - I’ve also noticed more quiet. When something is being done, there doesn't seem to be as much random, wandering thinking going on.

- I noticed more of the mind stitching things together today (since your last note about it): like seeing something and a thought from the ‘past’ coming up about something similar. Looking at that and trying to see the randomness since seeing an object and a thought about it aren’t related (if I understood correctly).

- Also watched Lisa Kahale’s video on Liberation Unleashed home page. I love her. Her joy just radiates. In all honesty, I’m waiting for THAT; what she talks about. If you could help set me straight on that line of thinking (again) I’d be grateful.


That’s it for now.

Thank you, Becca

:D