Grateful for any help

[Elad]

Dear Sharon, first of all I feel care and respect hearing this. I think you expressed a lot of clarity in your message, so I will not necessarily renew anything, but for what it's worth:

1) Respect all feelings, listen what they might "tell you and teach you" and allow yourself to conventionally feel and deal with whatever needs attention and heart. Don't let inquiry detract you from that, or from taking your feelings and needs seriously, and the actions of yourself and others seriously, in the positive sense of the word. Feel free also to take a break from inquiry to focus on practical and relational matters that need attention, and return to inquiry, as your intuition and heart calls for. Let it be intuitive and kind and down to earth.

2) Be curious about what in reality might be resisted in the moment, what kind of efforting (in thoughts or actions) might take place in the moment to change or control what all ready is. Look if it is helping. And look if there is anyone controlling or choosing any of that.

Write me soon again how it moves.

[SharMen]

Hi Elad, thank you for your kind words, they have really touched my heart.

Be curious about what in reality might be resisted in the moment, what kind of efforting (in thoughts or actions) might take place in the moment to change or control what all ready is. Look if it is helping. And look if there is anyone controlling or choosing any of that.

Interestingly, this morning there was a sudden recognition of a belief that did not even occur to me last night when I was making my list: She needs to change. Lol, this is basically resisting everything about what is happening. There was a softening and much more of a shift later when I read your words quoted above. The anger is in response to this one big belief: She needs to change.
There will be lots of opportunity to explore this more today. Thank you so much for your timely response!
Sharon ❤️

[Elad]

Beautiful Sharon 💚 How are things?

If you feel space to continue inquiry:

She needs to change. Lol, this is basically resisting everything about what is happening.

1) What is the she that can stay the same OR change?

2) What resists or don't resists?

[SharMen]

Good morning Elad

1) What is the she that can stay the same OR change?

2) What resists or don't resists?

Lots of looking and processing of emotions that arise. There is less resistance noticed but this may be bc there is belief that my dtr is safe at the moment. When a feeling of resistance is noticed I ask myself the question you suggested. What resists? I notice just a feeling of contraction. I notice that thoughts create a story.

This morning, a thought caught my attention. (as I type the word attention another thought arising about attention and what is it? A question I have be asking a lot lately. I am reading Christianne's book, thank you for recommending it. I have some writing in relation to her exercises I may share for guidance but that is not for now).
Back to this a.m.'s thoughts:
There are thoughts about things happening and these thoughts are creating a relationship between me and out there, strengthening the sense of separation. My thoughts about my dtr and how I can help her are creating this sense of separation bc I am strongly believing in this ME and HER. There is no ME, there is no HER. There is not a separate entity that is suffering and another entity helping. When I ask What is happening then? The only thing that can be said is life is happening and these thoughts of ME helping HER are just keeping the illusion of separation going.
This noticing felt like an aha so I wanted to share.
That's all for now.
Thanks Elad.
Sharon 🙏

[Elad]

Hi Sharon, good to hear from you!

I am strongly believing in this ME and HER. There is no ME, there is no HER

This is important. By telling yourself that there is no ME and no HER despite the belief being there, you can make it harder to experience the belief, kinda "repress it to the unconscious", but it will still have it's effects as you see.

So please stay with this strongly believing this is me and her. Pay ongoing close attention to exactly how it is experienced. First try to lose yourself in it and experience it as totally as possible. Like you were watching a movie or reading a poem and wanting as full and emmersive an experience as possible. You would not destroy the feeling by breaking it down quickly to its components (sensations, thoughts, etc) or by reminding your self all the time that it is only images or words, right?

Then when you have experienced it richly, look in more detail at what it consists of: where is it, what sensations, what thoughts, when is it, does it have a duration, etc etc? And then look if there is anything there that could ever be a real enduring you/her, agent, reciever, etc.

Explore this and write me how it goes.

And yes, write me with any comments or questions about Christianes book.

[Elad]

Oh and yes, thoughts and language inherently create a narrative with subjects, objects, actions, relationships etc. It is good you pay attention to when the sense of self is more obviously there, more obviously believed in.

[SharMen]

Hi Elad,

By telling yourself that there is no ME and no HER despite the belief being there, you can make it harder to experience the belief, kinda "repress it to the unconscious", but it will still have it's effects as you see.

Your guidance has been very helpful. I had previously highlighted something similar in Christiane's book but didn't understand it deeply until I read your response above. I definitely understand what is being said.
The first night after reading your reply, I spent time being the I, trying to experience it fully. Asking all the questions you suggested. I was laughing bc it was so absurd that there is a belief in something that can't be found, experienced.
But no shift occurred and the next morning, the belief was still there. Every day, throughout the day when there is noticing of I thoughts or noticing of selfing occurring, I exaggerate this feeling of I then look for it. I keep looking and cannot find it.
Frustration keeps arising. Thoughts arise Why is there still belief in something that I cannot find to be true. All I find are thoughts.
I have been doing this practice and only this practice of looking for I.
What to do with this frustration?
Thanks for your help Elad!
Sharon 🙏

[Elad]

Hi Sharon, sounds really good! Two pointers:

1)

I exaggerate this feeling of I then look for it. I keep looking and cannot find it.

Don't exaggerate it, don't try create something unnatural. Just try seeing it as clearly as possible, as is, like in watching a movie or hearing music, and letting one self enjoy without effort.

And then see if this is actually a self in reality.

2)

The frustration is a natural expression of where the process is at. Allow it to be with maximal simplicity and kindness. Keep feeling, looking.

🤍

[SharMen]

He Elad, I’ve been wanting to check in but a lot going on around here. I am comparing two things that happened this week. Not sure where you are in the world but yesterday here in Florida and S.E. U.S. we experienced Hurricane Helene. There were stressful events happening but not a lot of selfing. Not a lot of stress or story making even though there was uncertainty about what would happen. Just doing tasks that needed to be done to be safe.

The second event was earlier in the week and there was so much selfing (stories, emotions, a feeling of heaviness). I am looking at the situations to see why the difference.

I figure it has to do with my identification with my role as mom. It involved my dtr and my beliefs about what she shouldn’t be doing. My beliefs that I had to do something about the situation. So many beliefs. Especially a belief that there is a right way to handle the situation. And I wasn’t sure what this right way was. Just like with the storm, there was uncertainty but in this case, the uncertainty led to intense feelings.

What little frustration or resistance to life that I feel, 90% involves my children. How do I unhook from my identification as a mother? It seems when I am identified as mom who needs to do something to help her dtr (who I identify as needing help bc of addiction issues), then all these beliefs arise. I act on these beliefs. Then there is so much guilt, anger, sadness, fear. All based on thoughts. It sneaks up on me and I am lost in the character.

I get hooked into this identity again and again. There are tears and feelings of frustration as typing this. So tired of being sucked into this play that I can’t stop. I will try to allow with simplicity and kindness as you suggested.
but I really want help with dis-identifying with mom role/belief.
Thank you Elad
Sharon 🙏

[Elad]

Dear Sharon,

First of all glad you are safe and doing what you can for your safety and wellbeing on a practical level. I live in Israel, so many possibilities here too, to see what happens in the face of threats and conflicts.

I think it is pretty normal that relational/family dynamics are some of the last "arenas" where equanimity and clarity come about. Ram Das famously said "if you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family".

I would suggest two things:

1) Work with this at a broad psychological and relational level. Don't bypass that. These days you can find many videos on YouTube on shadow work methods like Focusing, IFS (internal family systems), Sedona method, Byron Katies The Work, TRE (tension release exerfise) and more that are inquiry compatible. There are instruction videos for working with these things on your own online. It is easy to find inspiration to be with feelings, give understanding to and release relational dynamics and past trauma. If this seems insufficient, and if it is an option, it can be great to do some work with a good psychotherapist, maybe one who is amicable to inquiry.

2) On the inquiry level and where it feels sufficient, look at "mother" and "daugther" and "responsibility of mother".

Can they be found? Can they act and decide things? If there are judgement on mother and/or daugther - what does this judgement refer to in DE?

What is the difference between judgement and seeing, feeling and discerning?

Are the judgements (including judgements of judgements) in any way needed for clarity and caring action?

[SharMen]

Hi Elad just a quick note to express my gratitude for your response and guidance. To read that you live in a part of the world that is experiencing so much conflict and uncertainty, and you are able to show up and help others allows me to see that our experiences do not have to become our stories. Sorry, I am not capable of putting into words the strong feelings of gratitude that I feel for your help. There is so much feeling here right now.

This a.m. when I woke up, I read your response. I am familiar with all of the modalities that you suggested and this past week was asking turn it around questions from B.K’s work. So I decided (lol there was no decision made and that’s what this post is about – I want to show how everything just flowed without a ME to make decisions). Within a few minutes I was shown a ChatGPT program for The Work. I typed in my first belief that I struggled with about my dtr. The whole experience lasted less than 10 minutes and I felt a huge shift and lightness.

Then immediately after I was shown a list of many of Byron Katie’s recording, listed by topic. I saw one titled My Son is an Addict. I clicked the link, I pushed play and it was as if what was being shared was directed towards me.
While this is not a new experience, I am always in awe when life just presents what is needed and it flows. There was no efforting, no decisions about what to do. Everything just showed up. Such a great reminder that life is what is happening. It cannot be any other way.

I am looking forward to see what happens with me and my dtr. I was able to unhook several beliefs already this a.m. I appreciate the inquiry questions you provided. I will be using these and let you know what happens.
I will keep you updated.
❤️ Sharon

[Elad]

Big smile reading you message Sharon. Happy how things flowed for you with The Work and etc. And look forward to hear how your inquiry continues.

[Elad]

How are things Sharon?

[SharMen]

Hi Elad, I just wrote a bunch and now it's gone from the page. 🤦‍♀️.
We just went through another hurricane. I'm still inquiring. Now I'm very tired and don't want to rewrite. I hope you are well and safe.
I will write again this weekend and update you on my inquiry.

[Elad]

I thought about you and the hurricane. I hope you and your close ones are okay and safe under the circumstances!