The Gate

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

I have been in the forest for a long walk again today, following the circles. I have started to witness more during the day how things appear spontaneously. During work for example things just come. Then there is a contraction of thought, then the next string of words comes. Then some editing happens. No self to be found in any of this.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

There's always something not clear. Like I can't imagine how the shift will happen, I know that. But my stupid brain can't stop coming up with silly projections ideas and hypotheses about parts of this. Aaaaahhhh!!!

3)

Hi good stuff! Re imagination, as before I believe you and I have some similarities, it used to be more that way here also. I would describe it today that the rational/logical part of the mind would try to control and get right the imaginal part and thus stifle it. I found out there is much more imaginal here, once there was more disidentification from thinking/logical certainty. I would not be surprised if the same will open more with you over time.

Let's hope so :) I did get some glimpses through the black veil that keeps me from my visual imagination, and the insight that it's because parts of me are worried that I would be so excited about what I would see there that I wouldn't pay attention to anything else anymore…

Language operates with subject and object and we need a concept of self, to be able to coordinate relationships and communicate. So we are not looking for the sense of self to go away. Actually you might get healthier sense of self and an increased capacity to see "your" needs and preferences and act accordingly, as a result of this process. All we are looking for, is that it is clearly seen that ultimately, no separate self is underlying or controlling anything, including the unique expression we call Synes. So you can think about Synes and be in touch with the feelings of Synes and act on behalf of synes - conventionally speaking - doing it more easefully and lovingly then before, and at the same time you can sense and see how all of it is ultimately coming from/as mystery.

For today contemplate what I wrote here, and if you can clearly recognize it in direct experience. And if not, what is not clear.

It's mostly clear, especially the first part. You said "So we are not looking for the sense of self to go away" this got me confused. Are we talking of the same thing?

Jeah there is a sense of "looking" of trying every possible thing to make this process work. But it's not possible. I know that, and yet it's looking. It's like "don't think of a pink elephant".

so "no separate self is underlying or controlling anything". Things just happen spontaneously, but why does it still feel like effort?

There is a sense of "should" of proving myself, of having to put the right kind of effort.

This dialogue teaching/pointing situation brings up a lot of material from my past, mostly school related. Not any specific images or memories, but a continuous sense of effort and confusion and fawning.

So I am still seeing this a bit as a mysterious thing here. Puzzling. But I like the new habit of going for long walks. That's new and very appreciated :)

Good good things are moving well. I think you might be seeing all ready and we are now working through resistances and confusions around it. What in LU sometimes is called "cleaning up after seeing".

Regarding "sense of self". We are not looking to get rid of that. The sense of self, the identity, is a normal part of functioning as human. I would not wish to be unable to refer to me, to remember memories, to have dreams. What we look for here is just that it becomes clear that all this in direct experience is not found to refer to anything findable and also that all this in direct experience is not found to relate to anything concrete in control or choosing. Seeing this brings a looseness with stories of self, the relation with them becomes more fluid.

This process also naturally brings up our past traumas, issues, our conceits and petiness, our hurts, our confusion, as well as our gifts and beauty and longings, etc etc. This relates to your feelings about the guiding and past experiences with teacher/student relationships and pain and anger and scepticisim about that, and the deeper uncertainties and lack of control in that. This is an opportunity to meet this patterns with compassion and interest and look with fresh eyes what thoughts and patterns of thoughts and actions are serving and skillful and which ones less so. And a key part of this process is to bring acceptance and compassion to this not-knowing-for-sure and not-being-in-control.

I recommend doing the nature exercise on one of your walks and writing me what you see.

Look forward to hear from you again.

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

No, it's all just happening spontaneously, continuously. Breathing is happening. Thinking is happening. Sensation is happening. Attention is happening. I am not able to observe a moment of choosing happening. It's a continuous thing.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

Why or maybe how come this sense of identity is so engrained there almost as if it's dug in some trenches or whatever?

I believe you that you say you sense it shifting. I don't experience it like any "big shift" yet but why should there be, what's the expectation there? What is searching this confirmation.

There is some well meaning but determined doubt, that is tied in with the ancient belief of having to prove myself of not being good enough. Lack of self esteem.

3) I didn't manage to do the nature thing today, but I'm in the countryside again so I have high hopes for tomorrow.

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

No, it's all just happening spontaneously, continuously. Breathing is happening. Thinking is happening. Sensation is happening. Attention is happening. I am not able to observe a moment of choosing happening. It's a continuous thing.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

Why or maybe how come this sense of identity is so engrained there almost as if it's dug in some trenches or whatever?

I believe you that you say you sense it shifting. I don't experience it like any "big shift" yet but why should there be, what's the expectation there? What is searching this confirmation.

There is some well meaning but determined doubt, that is tied in with the ancient belief of having to prove myself of not being good enough. Lack of self esteem.

3) I didn't manage to do the nature thing today, but I'm in the countryside again so I have high hopes for tomorrow.

Hi Synes, maybe look into why part of you seems to think there should be less sense of self/identity. Why not enjoy and celebrate the unique experience of "being Synes"? Even while knowing and feeling you/this cannot be reduced to anything limited, except in limited thoughts that are not the whole. Maybe feel into your heart in regards to all this.

I wrote yesterday but fell asleep while writing it. I will maybe check it and post it later, but now I'm doing today's writing.

I'm having a hard time pointing my system towards the tasks you are giving me. There is some sense of un-awareness in that.
The parts are quite adept at redirecting the flow, judoka-style, to more pleasant alternatives.

I also notice that I need more time to really connect with what you're writing.

I wrote the part "you don't need high concentration ability, you do need high motivation, …" down on paper, and it helped me a lot re-reading the parts that I was struggling with over the last week or whenever that was.

And so today I wrote down your previous to last post, the one that goes "this process also brings up our past trauma,..." It's helpful even just to write it down.

I have a question about one of my ADHD Symptoms, do you have any tips or experience with parts that are way off the chart? Like I have these aspects when I manage to tune into them there is an ungodly amount of restlessness, and as such a looooot of pushing connected to that.

How to relate to those when they become more accessible/visible?

Also, I have an operation on Thursday, so I don't know how fast I recover but I'll try to at least check in but just so you know what's up if I don't.

Hi Synes, maybe look into why part of you seems to think there should be less sense of self/identity. Why not enjoy and celebrate the unique experience of "being Synes"? Even while knowing and feeling you/this cannot be reduced to anything limited, except in limited thoughts that are not the whole. Maybe feel into your heart in regards to all this.

I don't think there is a part that wants less "sense of self/identity". I think the question for me is about wanting to be less identified with the sense of self/identity, or maybe take it less serious. Or maybe be more ok with it being what it happens to be in each moment. I had something similar to that once. That was somehow very pleasant for the ADHD symptoms. They are physically painful most times.

This is from the day before yesterday (when i fell asleep before posting it)

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

Can't find anything like that in direct experience.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

There is a clear difference between looking inwards seeing that there is no controller and not looking and operating from the old assumption of there being a self.

I can relax into the noticing that things are moving by themselves. That there is no mover, no chooser.

I'm noticing more throughout the day how things are moving by themselves.

Noticing for this exercise is still exhausting at least today. Today there is a lot of pain in my chest and it's somehow more resistance to seeing. I don't feel like doing this exercise. It is exhausting me.




This is from today:

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

There is no self controlling or doing. All I can witness in direct experience is things happening but nobody is choosing them.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

It's clear. I am partially waiting for something to change. Something should be happening, right? A shift? More moments of clarity. Effortless joy? More witnessing things happening on their own? Why does it take effort to notice things happening without anyone choosing them to happen?

3) I haven't been able to do the nature exercise yet.

Thank you so much for your patience and your kindness.

Hi dear Synes,

This is response to your last three messages in one. Get a sense things are moving beautifully. Maybe paradoxically to enjoy and benefit even more from the seeing that is happening, it will help to let go more of all expectations for more release/change/joy/effortlessness... What happens if you let go as fully as possible of any expectations for anything else than just what is seen and allow how it feels no more no less?

At the same time we do want this to "go into the heart". Play with asking your heart how it feels about this seeing and just be open to whatever sensations and thoughts are seen/felt. How does it feel to see?

Regarding reslessness, your question from the other day. Working with restlessness is considered one of the dominant aspects of "advanced" deep realization practice. Often way beyond the inital seeing that LU aims for. It has to do with accepting that we don't get permanent happiness as we would want - comfort is not permanent, experiences and states are not permanent, meanings are not permanent. Does this resonate with you? Restlessness also can be about feelings that are wanting to be felt. Sometimes maybe it can also be a bodily phenomenon that cannot be understood in terms of feelings or insights (maybe). As you can hear there is no sure recipe to work with this, except to bring sincerity, patience, kindness, acceptance, courage, love, compassion - the ingredients that are always helpful :) Oh and body work and energy work can also be great (everything from martial arts to yoga/tai chi/chi gong to release teqniques to expressive dance to whatever intuitively speaks to you). In the end: listen/feel, explore, discover...

I started writing, didn't finish. I will continue tomorrow

Get a sense things are moving beautifully. Maybe paradoxically to enjoy and benefit even more from the seeing that is happening, it will help to let go more of all expectations for more release/change/joy/effortlessness... What happens if you let go as fully as possible of any expectations for anything else than just what is seen and allow how it feels no more no less?

Omg this is brilliant, of course. Makes complete sense. I got stuck in this student / achievement / getting things right mindset. Forgot to check where it's right already. Great catch, Elad :)

If I let go of expectations I have more freedom.

At the same time we do want this to "go into the heart". Play with asking your heart how it feels about this seeing and just be open to whatever sensations and thoughts are seen/felt. How does it feel to see?

Seeing feels like foundation for existing. Like there is no life without seeing. There is a wish for more seeing. And more seeing is happening. Seems like a shift.

A nurse came to take blood samples and I made a joke "the buffet is open" he was surprised he didn't get it at first but then there was a instant connection after that. Today he came with the jokes. When the thoughts are trying to come up with something like that, it doesn't connect like this smoothly. Trying to fit in during school and life afterwards, my brain just works differently to most other people that i grew up around. So I tried to analyse my way out of there. Understanding "musical taste" for example. Impossible. Autism. Or monotropism it's maybe called now.

After the operation my heart has been rather quiet. But this question has been moving a lot inside of me. I noticed in a new way the difference between being in my heart and being in my head. And being in my head is still the default go-to movement but it's now seen that there will be an end to this. It doesn't feel impossible to overcome. Now there came many many opportunities to do the apple>bird>self exercise. And I notice clearer when it comes to drag me away into thoughts.

And what notices the pull into thoughts is this: it's some type of wolf instinct. It doesn't need to be "Appled", i mean I tried but there is nothing to apple there. It's in service.. I don't know how else to describe it.

Regarding reslessness, your question from the other day. Working with restlessness is considered one of the dominant aspects of "advanced" deep realization practice. Often way beyond the inital seeing that LU aims for. It has to do with accepting that we don't get permanent happiness as we would want - comfort is not permanent, experiences and states are not permanent, meanings are not permanent. Does this resonate with you?

Yes, that tracks. I am fully aware of that being the case. There is grasping but it's seen and I allow it to happen and to play out and it's been less and less. Comfort is nice but it's part of the same thing as discomfort. I think I got this initially from my deep deep integration of nonviolent communication practices.

Interesting because I did it the other way around. This seems like initial seeing to me. This process we're doing here feels much more "out there"

Restlessness is always there. I am aware of it and I'm setting the intention to welcome it more in this body and this life. Right?

Restlessness also can be about feelings that are wanting to be felt. Sometimes maybe it can also be a bodily phenomenon that cannot be understood in terms of feelings or insights (maybe).

Jeah I am talking about the super restlessness that comes with my ADHD, that I'm getting closer to somatically in the last year or so. There's just such an incredible amount of energy there and the parts that are stuck in this energy seem to be suffering a lot a lot. And I'm very curious how this will play out and integrate. I can sense a deep shaking vibrating in my body that is moving me to seek for escape.

As you can hear there is no sure recipe to work with this, except to bring sincerity, patience, kindness, acceptance, courage, love, compassion - the ingredients that are always helpful :) Oh and body work and energy work can also be great (everything from martial arts to yoga/tai chi/chi gong to release teqniques to expressive dance to whatever intuitively speaks to you). In the end: listen/feel, explore, discover...

Courage is a good one. For me courage is capacity for fear. Holding space for fear in a bigger container. I have lot of experience with chronic fear because of my undiagnosed adhd. I also had a big shift relating to anxiety. Used anxiety for motivating me for everything, now it's less and less and less and less. I was able to release a lot of that and now I have times when I'm without anxiety which i haven't been since i was a teenager at least. Maybe even before that i already had the chronic anxiety.

I do dancing and singing which helps. I want to do more of that but the thing you wrote in the first paragraph also applies here. There is a broad tendency to bet on controlling, planning, "should" as a strategy for "getting things done" which has shifted to noticing things flowing on their own during the last six years..

2-3 years ago I started working on the "should" parts these aspects that escape into constant doing huge ambitious projects. It feels like a train that has to stop fully before being able to drive into the other direction. Now I don’t know if we fully stopped or changed direction already but it seems like it's done.

The problem is the sense of not enoughness... Proving myself which I wrote about in my introduction. Yesterday I noticed ok what does "I am not enough" and "I am too much" have in common?

"I am" ;)

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

In direct experience, thoughts, sensations, movements, shift of attention, if I look and observe them they are happening without being initiated. They are continuous. Beginning and end are concepts. Ways that thought patterns cut continuous experience up into pieces.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

There is doubt and lack of self esteem. Low self-esteem is another universal adhd symptom. Some thought that I'm faking it.
The doubt is still waiting for some proof, something to happen for this to be truely seen. Maybe some official paper like with the adhd diagnosis could help? :D or some magical rollercoaster or something.

Ok here we are full circle again to the top of this post." Focus on how it's already seen" instead of how it's not seen. I gotta write that down and reread it a couple of times.

Why not enjoy and celebrate the unique experience of "being Synes"? Even while knowing and feeling you/this cannot be reduced to anything limited, except in limited thoughts that are not the whole. Maybe feel into your heart in regards to all this.

Reading this again I get the feeling that it is seen but it's not fully realised yet. I don't have more than an intuition but I get the sense that there is some key insight missing or something isn't clear yet. But maybe this will happen also over time. Also now I realised that there is this deep fear of stepping into the unknown.. I believe there is still a big step needed to welcome this existential fear and look beyond it.

Lovely to read this, lots of clarity here!

"Reading this again I get the feeling that it is seen but it's not fully realised yet. I don't have more than an intuition but I get the sense that there is some key insight missing or something isn't clear yet"

Can you say more about this?

The wast majority of us - if not all of us - keep deepening insight and get new insights after the initial seeing. Typically the initial seeing is that it becomes clear that "I" is only a thought amongst other thoughts, that thoughts do not control or chose and do not have a permanent nature, I.e. that there is no doer/controller and no separate self. After that there is for most an ongoing process where more subtle identifications are seen through and worked through.

"Also now I realised that there is this deep fear of stepping into the unknown.. I believe there is still a big step needed to welcome this existential fear and look beyond it."

Can you say more about this? Any thoughts on how to test this/move forward with this?

One thought that comes here is that we will all face deeper levels of existential fear only in situations that trigger them, however they might come about. Of course if we sense a certain fear is close to the surface and/or possible to invite/trigger and work through, we can do it if we want.





If you have not yet done this exercise below, please do:

Explore ‘Sense of Self’

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken. This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.


Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?
Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?
Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

I started writing but I didn't finish. I will send it tomorrow.

"Reading this again I get the feeling that it is seen but it's not fully realised yet. I don't have more than an intuition but I get the sense that there is some key insight missing or something isn't clear yet"
Can you say more about this?The wast majority of us - if not all of us - keep deepening insight and get new insights after the initial seeing. Typically the initial seeing is that it becomes clear that "I" is only a thought amongst other thoughts, that thoughts do not control or chose and do not have a permanent nature, I.e. that there is no doer/controller and no separate self. After that there is for most an ongoing process where more subtle identifications are seen through and worked through.

I am somehow under the belief and expectation that I should be aware of no doer all the time. And that's not the case. It's only clear if and when I'm looking. But I am not sure in between these moments of looking if something in my awareness should change? That's why I'm guessing that there's some insight missing.

Like I get it that there's no controller or doer but I also don't get it at the same time. Like there is no deeper insight about this, things move the same way they did before.

Don't get me wrong, i do notice the changes that come with realising this but I feel like there is still a big doubtful part that doesn't get it. "I don't get it. I'm a bit dumb and slow in some ways"

Also the insight doesn't feel that dramatic to me. I've pondered the question of selfhood intuitively (without following a teaching) for decades, like I'm not my body because my body is made up of cells and they constantly die and recreate themselves without me even noticing. My body is more of a molecular tornado that processes food into compost and energy, also I don't really end where my skin ends because things are just so deeply interdependent at soo many scales and levels and we all influence each other in some way. Really basic stuff.

So the point is to see that "I" don't have control, and that things just happen by themselves? I feel like the thing is that I've been hiding inside my "head," in (and behind) a reality mainly made from, and based on thoughts for so long, that it was my home for such a long time, the understanding doesn't crystallise that easily. I was dissociated from my body and emotions for most of my life.

I used to "see" words instead of reality. Like the first step of this was in 2016 when I discovered flowers. Before that all flowers looked the same to me. Like the word flower. Then I started actually seeing them and realising how different and varied and alien looking they really are if I looked longer than a millisecond :)

Simply put: there's a lot of thoughts still. Ruminating, being in thoughts feels safe and familiar. Even though I know deeply that it's not safe or familiar and I have been working really hard to get out and back to my body and feelings for the last 22 years. And I have had so much success. Many emotions came back, some that feel like I haven't felt them ever in my life. (still waiting to get my tears back though)

But now there is some final boss still standing, it's made of several aspects. I've been grinding down "should" for the last 2-5 years, there's the "narrator/parrot" which has also significantly lost influence during the last two years.

Adhd and autism is a very paradoxical combination to work with. I'm so happy that I know this about myself now. But that combination is like my mind's settings are at maximum "distractibility/restlessness/chaos" aaand maximum "stubbornness/rigidity" at the same time.

I don't feel bad about it, it just means that I gotta experiment a lot to find a path that works for me.

"Also now I realised that there is this deep fear of stepping into the unknown.. I believe there is still a big step needed to welcome this existential fear and look beyond it."
Can you say more about this? Any thoughts on how to test this/move forward with this? One thought that comes here is that we will all face deeper levels of existential fear only in situations that trigger them, however they might come about. Of course if we sense a certain fear is close to the surface and/or possible to invite/trigger and work through, we can do it if we want.

I had this intuition at some point in our process because I heard people describing this existential fear that you gotta jump into, like "forever falling with no ground," you know?

At some point I had this again, which happens very very rarely after having a short nap that there is this mega profound fear that's very existential and very voidy and takes my breath away for a second. And I remembered that and somehow started wondering if that is the same fear that I heard folks talking about.

How to test it? My hunch is jeah like you said trying to invite the fear, increasing capacity for it, at the beginning of our process you mentioned something about asking the fear what it is afraid would happen or somehow to get to look behind it?

I believe that obviously I'm already falling. Like the thought structures are not protecting me from dissolution and change, cause they aren't solid. So I guess there's nothing to be afraid, just to take my hands off my eyes and enjoy?

My journey with existential fear started when I was a kid at some point I just realised how massive the world is and how I never ever will experience all the precious and amazing things that are happening. And I just got this huge fear of missing out. I think I remember getting a bit numb after that. Jeah and before that i had episodes of micropsia and macropsia with high fever. And i was "seeing" and "sensing" some external/internal "structures" I couldn't explain. And that went away also with the bullying in high school latest.

I know that I'm ready. I don't know how to proceed.

One hunch has to do with the sense of "this is really really real!" i had these experiences with cannabis in my twenties where I felt like I got a strong fear and then I fell through the ceiling into a realisiation that everything was real! It was euphoric in a terrifying sense but there was also a sense of pleasant groundedness to it, like a deep deep knowing that it's all good.

And sometimes I would fall through a second layer, "no, but it's really really REALLY real!"...

Anyway, in 2013 I got to try MDMA for the first time at friends home in Poland and it was very fascinating. First I started crashing but then I understood that I gotta get moving, so I started dancing in the kitchen and then I went to the balcony. And then this realisation happened that was like the above mentioned thing with cannabis but instead of breaking through 1-2 layers I broke through ALL of them like a meterorite, it felt like a proper skyscraper of layers, at least 20. And I came out the other end feeling I was both tiny and completely insignificant, and extremely powerful/all encompassing at the same time. And then my whole entire body was on fire.

Is this helpful?

If you have not yet done this exercise below, please do:

Explore ‘Sense of Self’
Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken. This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.
Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:
Does the sense of self have a location?

Yes. The location is changing though. Depending on the time.

This is based on: I've been observing the sense of self throughout the last few weeks. I am not able to do this exercise right now because my adhd is through the roof and I cannot focus long enough.

please clarify if i misunderstood your instructions.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Yes. Or no. It co-arises with sensations usually of tension or constriction. The "sense of self" doesn't have a shape or size it is a thought.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

"everything's ok, keep walking, nothing to see here"

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Telepathy. The label is just there. Or is it a very engrained hunch?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

It co-arises with a sense of tension. That is interpreted as "ownership"

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Thought and sensation. But as I mentioned above the sensation is not connected to the thought except that it arises at the same time.

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

No. This is not something I can find in direct experience.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

How is no-self different from what I'm experiencing now?


I'm noticing that it's getting harder for me to get into beginners mind with these questions the last few days. Do you happen to have some other questions to switch it out to for the sake of my novelty based brain? Or is the repetitions purpose to grind down my defenses? If yes it doesn't seem to be working :D cause doubt and frustration are rising. Just fyi.

Thanks for working with me <3

I can continue answering the same questions. I had a bit harder time today because I'm overwhelmed with being in the hospital. But I'm getting out tomorrow, so my mood & symptoms will be better I bet :)

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

Let me check real quick. So I look in my body first. There are sensations in my legs. Movement in my attention. Thoughts are grasping different directions. I don't control any of it.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

So the process is one of logical elimination? Meaning because I can't find anyone controlling things happening in direct experience it implies that there is no self?

Who's thinking, if it's not me?
I had once shortly a shift happening when thoughts didn't come in my "own voice" from my head but from the outside in some other sounding voice. Is that's the kind of shift that we're looking for? I'm so looking forward to be able to watch my thoughts pass by, that sounds like a wonderful thing to come true, I am so ready for that to happen!

"Who's thinking, if it's not me?"

Do you see the assumption here is that there needs to be someone. Can that be verified in direct experience or is it just a belief?

If you don't let stories and assumptions about how seeing should be and what experiences and changes it should lead to (= not direct experience) get in the way, then how does it feel to see?