Hello Rali, yes christmas, new year and now a birthday. That's enough for a while I think.
Thank you Rali, for your time and effort, it is so appreciated. I never thought it was so simple. More than that actually, it's the directness and immediacy of it that is surprising. How all these years I have taken the contents of thought to be real...madness.
Here are some responses to your questions. Love to you, Ken
Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. There is just experiencing. There are jut the 5/6 senses functioning without a manager. if ther isn't one now how could there have ever been. It's all been imagined.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It is a thought/label which then because it is attached to “presence” to “being” feels very real. That as I see it is because “presence” or “being” is real. It appears to be a central point which for me was/is around the eyes or just behind. I thought I had to get rid of the separate self, but when you said that we just need to see its true identity something clicked. It is reinforced by memory/thought, and when there is strong emotion and those “personal” thoughts are believed. It is reinforced by the constant “selfing” of thinking about self. Crazy. It’s all a story.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
A relief, a lightness but also realising that this is only the beginning. I know enough to realise that there is some “clearing out” to do of old repressed stuff. However, even now I can see how much more accessible the emotional life is. Before starting the dialogue there was a lot of frustration and many questions, but now I don’t have any questions whatsoever. I see now what my first teacher Charlotte Joko Beck was pointing too, but I wasn’t ready.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
A few areas, what I mentioned above was a ha ha moment. It was exploring what the “seer” looked like which was the turning point. Then came exploring intention. If I had to choose one it was exploring what the seer looked like.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Deciding to have a cup of tea. There is a movement to make a cup of tea from where I don’t know, and I don’t think I can know. Then thought comes in and says I think I will have a cup of tea. It comes in after a decision has already been made.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
This has been helpful. There is no “personal” intention anywhere. Thought can say move your foot and nothing happens. Thought doesn’t control anything. I notice when the thumb moves it just moves, when the head turns it just turns. It’s like nothing is moving it, but it moves.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free will is just an idea…a thought. If there isn’t a thought about free will…then what! It’s an idea to give us a sense of direction and purpose and to make us feel like we have some control.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choosing happens, it’s not that there is no choice but the choosing happens. I can’t say exactly how it happens as there is a whole load of conditioning gone on which determines the choices made.
When making tea in the morning I always went for a certain cup, my favourite cup. About two weeks ago I noticed that I was picking up any cup of a good size. There wasn’t a conscious choice to drink from a different cup it just started happening.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
It’s imagined like everything else. An image/thought of the future pops up then the desire to steer life in that way. It’s all imagination. I imagine walking my dog, but when the time comes to walk him it just happens.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
The best I can do here is to say they just happen. There is a natural intelligence “behind” all of this which, I am coming to trust in more and more. I don’t know what it is.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
The first thing which came to mind is… What is Donald Duck responsible for? Not really sure about this as I haven’t really explored this.
But a few words anyway…
I am responsible for everything I do and nothing I do. I am completely guilty and completely innocent.
I shouted at my dog the other day which I am responsible for because it wasn’t my wife who did it, but it just happened and it happened because of all the threads of conditions at play, including the feeling of being sorry to my dear little boy.
Relatively I am responsible for driving on the right side of the road stopping at traffic lights etc, but these just happen - it’s natural functioning as far as I can see.
6) Anything to add?
This is very subtle and I realise it’s only the beginning.
What surprised me the most is how I missed the absence of something. The absence of a lot of mental struggle was completely overlooked until it wasn’t. Not sure if I am through the gate or not but, “who cares”?
Much love to you Rali, ever appreciative, Ken
