Hi Luchana!
Q.Here are the questions. Take a look and reply with honesty the way you see things right now, fresh, fresh. Do not rely on a memory of a previous seeing.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
It is looked directly right now and what is seen is that there is no 'Self', 'Me', 'I', from where, and through which a looker, watcher, cognizer, manager, doer to look, watch, comprehend, decide, or in brief, to make life happen and flow. There are plenty of appearances around, sights, sounds, sensations, smells, even thoughts and feelings that arise and dissolve in an endless continuity out of an inexplicable nothingness, wholeness and back there. However, can't be identified, found, or pointed out at a particular, certain place, certain a point somewhere within this space around, where I, Self, Me, a centre, sit smoking a pipe and drinking a cappuccino. Nor an entity can be identified that itself decides, controls, supervises and orchestrates such a glorious play of continuously arising and subsiding appearances.
Astonishingly, all of life is happening utterly on its own.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of a separate self is and how it shows up in experience.
Hahaha, this seems to be the easiest question, because the whole 'my' life proves to be under the merciless authority of a ceaseless delusion of I, Me, Self, and under the persistent and convincing feeling of me and the rest of the world distinctly separated. As a matter of experience, this delusion is felt much as a continuous struggle for these separated Me, I, Self to survive in a life and death battle against all and everything, which is felt to be "over there"" ,"outside" of I, Me, Self.
The result, predictably, is bloody fights of these illusory "I, Me, Self", against ''the rest of the world'', which is as well a construct as ephemeral as the Self. And these bloody fights never come to an end. These incessant struggles for I, Me, Self to take over, to defeat the "others'', leads the one who comes out to be their arena, to no other than anxiety, agitation, feeling of loneliness, separation, name it. What is more, even when I, Me, Self 'part' manages somehow to defeat its enemy, and achieve aparrently its innermost desires, oh, what a surprise, in the same very moment of a grandiose triumph, another battle is beginning,but this time, say, out of fear that this joy obtained with so much struggle may be lost. Although the whole suffering and hardships so far, there is no satisfaction as Mick Jagger said in a song, no nirvana, no lifelong pleasure, and beach and umbrella and gin tonic with a cigar.
3)How does it feel to see this?
When one sees clearly ,even in an instance,the absence of Self, or I, or Myself, or Me, or a Center, even in an eyeblink, what is felt is an enormous astonishment.
If there is something inexpressible, indescribable, it is it.
You are like, how is it possible, man? It can't be true!
Such freedom and relief arise out of dropping off all that is considered as an unbearable burden of existence in which all of us, countless Sisyphuses are life sentenced!
And finally, there is salvation!
It sounds like an evangelist pastor ranting, obviously, however, the event of seeing is so unthinkable, unexpected, that one should resort to religious lexicon and poetry to even slightly touch its nature.
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Before this dialogue, one considered himself as inevitably doomed to live in a constant battle against whoever and whatever were faced, and what's more, even without being able to notice being in this dreamlike existence.
At this stage of the dialogue, however, one is aware that since "one" does not exist, there is no central entity, I, Me, Self, to begin with. And much less an entity involved in any arguments or fights.
Before this dialogue, one was watching through the eyes of a solidified, petrified subject, Me, I, who inevitably divides the world of my things, my views, my beliefs, my possessions, and others things, set of beliefs, innermost values.
For the time being, when a direct looking is done, what is seen, is beyond the logic of, say, normal, ordinary seeing, a kind that a subject exercises to the objects around.
The realization, on the ground of direct experience, rather as a mere comprehension of a concept, a thought, a set of words, that 'there is no I, Me, Center', unlocks an experience that is not merely on another level. It is in another realm, so to say, however misleading this frame might seem.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
The first one came a long time ago, and it was simply a deep desire to somehow alleviate ceaseless everyday stress and psychological pain.
Honestly, I can't say or remember precisely what a particular bit of experience made the seeing the world through or rather beyond ''subject-to-objects" perspective.
However, the memory of this first seeing, though it lasted in an eyeblink, remains strikingly vivid.
5a. Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
-Decision
It is felt that a decision to prefer a banana flavoured ice cream to a vanilla one, somehow arises and then the very act of choice fulfills itself, completely on its own, and on top of it, comes out of nothing.
-Intention
The Intention to start and go on texting here for hours on end here ,instead of wasting time on something far more exciting like,say, taking out the trash :):), comes completely uninvited and somehow in random, and simply is happening. At least as a matter of direct experience,the arising of Intentions and decisions closely following them,are felt as though they come out of emptiness, nothingness or gods of non-duality know where from.
-Free will
It is experienced that things just happen. If, for example, I try to list three big European cities, the first three that come are Warsaw, London and Athens. And based on this, it may be claimed that this is a free will kind of choice because I am deliberately choose precisely these three beautiful cities amongst many others.
However, both decisions here,the first one ,amongst what popular things to choose,cities or states or continents,or meals, or pop groups and so on, and the second one ,which particular three cities to pick up, are arising utterly unpredictably and all on their own in and kind of ramdomly!And certainly, no I,Me,Self is involved in this choice.
-Actions
The moves of body parts, arm, hand, feet, abdomen, breathing, happen all on their own, no choice whatsoever, neither from the part of the one who is looking nor from any other.
When it is seen directly, it proves that both a decision for an act, say, moving a foot, and the very act itself originates....out of nothingness. When an attempt to understand is done where exactly this particular move comes from, a dead end is faced, which dead end, as a matter of experience, is felt as a mere nothingness, emptiness, bleakness.
5b. What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences of how this works.
By realizing the severe limitations of exercising free will as a "subject" toward various objects, the writer here eventually come to the realisation to trust in this empty endlessness, in this glassy wholeness,in this glorious space, from where whole life is felt to emanate.And for the time being, this act of trust leads to an existence which seems to be 'responsible' to the rest of world.
Since the personal direct experience of an absence of a subject who is in control not only of thoughts and feelings but in actions, as well, to hold myself accountable for thoughts, feeling and even actions that are arising seems as a pointless and futile approach.
Though, as far as the writer can, he will keep holding himself responsible for all aspects of existence.
From the perspective of the writer here, the lucky minority of individuals that has the chance to see through the illusion of subject-object perspective, even only for a split second, based on this seeing, probably will live by being much more aware and responsible toward the world.
6) Anything to add?
I don't think so.Too much was said. :(
Nevertheless,if a question is remaining overlooked,please let me know to elaborate on it.
And again,thanks a million for the patience and diligence! 🙏 🤗🙏 🤗🙏 🤗
