Hello Jon,
It's my duty to point out that excessively anxious rumination about 'self' can sometimes indicate the need for some effective therepeutic work and not just self-inquiry. There's no judgment either for or against this idea Nuss, but sometimes people try to "transcend" illness or anxiety via spiritual inquiry , in an effort to make it go away, when another approach might be good.
Duly noted. Thank you, Jon.
That doesn't have to happen many times before "self" pops and doesn't really stick back together again.
Since that "popping," feelings of anxiety have seemed smaller-or perhaps, more "true to size." I cannot say if that is because of the popping or particular conditions of the past week.
I was rear-ended by another car on my way to a morning meditation sitting. Sadly, the driver quickly left the scene, leaving me with some new marks on my bumper and a louder muffler. It was easy to give into the self in that moment.
"They hit ME," "They damaged MY car," "this will likely affect MY insurance rates."
After the sitting, it was easier to examine all of the thoughts in reaction to the accident. All of these contained a common denominator: "me"
Is it clear that belief in "a future" for a "myself" is what has been going on here?
What you describe is a belief/ assumption that is not at all uncommon . The notion of a "me" that appears to be some thing that is fixed and unchanging, and is then imaginitively mapped onto an imagined future?
Something or somebody then appears to be subject to threatening circumstance. Scenarios are imagined to await a character from a story, and because it is not recognised as fiction or speculation,anxiety appears.
All it takes is a momentary seeing that the character was never more than a story about a character. From then on, identification with an imagined self can still happen but the 'baseline' (if you like) is that this is increasingly noticed to be a narrative ABOUT suffering.
Yes, it is quite clear that this anxiety (and much of what I would label "my anxiety" as) is based off of a false belief of a "future" for a "myself." When the question is asked: "Why is there stress?" the answer usually involves how the situation in thought will affect "me," much like the thoughts mentioned above about the car accident.
Suffering is also there as a baseline, an aversion to something in the so-called "future." Something which might be uncomfortable, cause of loss in some way; time, money, possessions, opportunities, etc.
Just an idea but have you ever tried noticing the flow of thoughts, how one thought seems to occupy attention at a time? Then follows another, and others after that? Each thought seems to vanish as it is replaced by the next.
See if it is possible to notice any kind of space or gap where the current thought has waned but the next one hasn't yet appeared? If that seems possible remain aware of the space or gap . What happens?
I'd like to add an extension to my previous findings on this question. It seems as if between each thought there is a space, a moment of silence, nothingness, seeing the thought as a thought, perhaps even sensations which accompany it as well. Quickly followed by that space are more thoughts related to the previous thought.
With gratitude,
Nuss