Confused about self inquiry

[Danadd]

There are some thoughts where it’s super clear that they arise from nowhere sort of, and some have more feeling of control even though I can say where it is.
There are instances when I have a thought and after it happens I have another thought “oh that came out of nowhere!”
Maybe this is getting ahead of things but I just wanted to tell you also that there are small moments when my body does something and I realize I didn’t plan or decide to do that. I am recalling things from the last guiding and putting them together too so that’s why I think. I wouldn’t have noticed it without the last time.
Dana

[Vivien]

Nope, it seems like that thought just appears. For some reason there’s more of a sense of “me doing it” but when I look at it they just come up.

Look at this 'sense of me doing it'. Look at this very closely.

What kind of SENSE is this?
How is it SENSED, by which of the 5 senses?

Spend a whole day revisiting this as often as possible. Let me know what you find.

V

[Danadd]

It seems like… I can’t find the sense of it. It’s not a feeling. I can’t really describe it. But maybe I need another day to revisit it. Could you specify for me what to do when I’m trying to find it? Like an exercise or something more specific that I can do when I’m looking?

[Vivien]

So you can't find the sense of self and yet it SEEMS that it's present quite often, right? So when it's here, investigate:

What is the FELT sense of Dana?

Just notice, here and now, the feeling and sensations called Dana.
Just hold this feeling, be with it like it's some new phenomenon for which you have no name.

What do you discover about the feeling, as a feeling only?

[Danadd]

This is quite an annoying exercise! 😹
I can’t find the feeling of it. When I’m trying to find a feeling and hold it and observe it, of Dana and the sense of self, I can’t find one. There’s just the feeling of my body (or a body), the sound of the AC, etc. Only when I think about myself, what I did, the thoughts I’m making happen, what I’ll do, is it there. But that’s not a feeling.

[Vivien]

Exactly!

So look into this:
the sense of me is nothing else but certain sensations of the body.
Certain sensations are MISTAKEN FOR an actual self/entity.

Please investigate this... and see if it fits your own, immediate experience. What do you find?

V

[Danadd]

I don’t really know how to investigate this. It feels more theoretic and like it’s hard to find this in my experience.
Dana

[Vivien]

Here is how you can look at this.

Say the word I several times out loud. And notice, what does this word pointing to?
The word table is pointing to an actual experiencable thing.

What does the word I point to?
Notice, it not just simply the body, but to a certain part of the body. Maybe the chest, or the head, forehead... find the place.

When you've got it, notice that you feel something there, a sensation. There is a sensory experience there.

Now, repeat the word I several time again, but at the same time keep the focus on that sensation that you've just localized.

Is that feeling/sensation seems to be you?
Isn't that sensation seems to be your location, where you are?

I hope this helps,
V

[Danadd]

Hi,
It sort of seems to be where I am. It’s where my attention is. But then my attention is on something else and like now the sound of the clicking on my typing. And then that seems to be me…
Also when I say “I” out loud it doesn’t point to anything, maybe to a general more awareness of my body. And then to the face. But it’s not really that clear what it points to.
Dana

[Vivien]

So there is nothing in experience, literally nothing that feels or seems to be you?

Please spend another day with this.

Love, V

[Danadd]

I tried the “I” test again. It points to my forehead and to sensations there and yes it seems to be that that’s where I am at that moment, that sensation is me. And then I listen to the AC and that seems to be me. Sensations that are changing, where my attention is, is the only thing I can find as me. my body isn’t exactly me, because I’m aware of it. Maybe it’s mine though.
Have a great day,
Dana

[Vivien]

I tried the “I” test again. It points to my forehead and to sensations there and yes it seems to be that that’s where I am at that moment, that sensation is me.

Yes, exactly. Nice work. These sensations are so often under the radar and mistaken for a me, as my location.

And then I listen to the AC and that seems to be me.

Are you the sound of the AC, or you are aware of the sound?

my body isn’t exactly me, because I’m aware of it. Maybe it’s mine though.

Ok.... not let's look for the one that owns the body.

Where is the owner?
is it in the forehead, where that sensation is?

The body is owned by what exactly?

V

[Danadd]

It’s very slippery. I think I saw it clearly. There are small moments if I get into a certain state of concentration, I see. That I am what is aware of all these sensations, sounds, etc. and of the body. The body is moving and I am the one aware of it. I had a moment where it was very scary. If no one is here to control it then how is it moving?? Who is writing this or how is this being written and thoughts formed into words on here?

[Vivien]

The body is moving and I am the one aware of it. I had a moment where it was very scary.

Fear is very common in this inquiry. When there is fear there is always a story to negative consequences to this inquiry. What seeing this would mean to me or about me.

So let’s have a closer look at this fear. It is here to protect. Can you see that? It’s here to keep something safe from something.

Can you look behind the fear and see what is there that needs this protection?

And protection from what exactly?

Does that protection (as a fear response) help?

What is it that is being feared?

Is that fear needed?

What do you get from this fear?

If no one is here to control it then how is it moving?? Who is writing this or how is this being written and thoughts formed into words on here?

Well, is there a need for a doer or a controller to pump the blood? To beat the heart? To digest? To make the immune system work?

Why would thinking or movement be any different?

It's important to mention here that no controller, or no separate self doesn't mean that "I don't exist". Rather, I don't exist in a way I thought I was. There is existence without an identity.

V

[Danadd]

Regarding the fear, I actually can’t really bring it up it’s only in certain moments, very specific ones.
So when they happen I’ll look closer.