Hi Vivien,
Please answer the following questions with some detail please, and answer what's true for you rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer. Also please provide examples where asked.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
There is no separate entity that can be called a self, me or I at all anywhere in any form or shape and there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
Illusion of a separate self is the not seeing the truth of there is no entity that controls everything in life.
When did it start? Honestly, no idea, because ever since I remember, I was operating as a self (under the illusion of a self, but not knowing it), so was everybody else around. The language also indirectly not only supports the notion of self but 'insists' on it. We can't use the language without at least pretending that the self exists. The self illusion is much deeper than something the language can create or remove. It is a complex construct with the other illusions such as the 'body', 'time' 'memory' making a network of illusions that was created by thoughts surrounding the raw experiences.
When the self illusion is not seen through you are struggling to control everything. Whatever happens is taken as it happens to "me". When a good thing happens you are elated and bad thing happens you are sad and depressed. The elation set an expectation that I should have this mental state all the time. Then there is a craving for it and trying to avoid any negative emotion. One struggles to change everything that can't be changed to achieve this, causing lot of stress. Even though these stress, emotions, cravings etc. all those are thought constructs, one under the illusion feels them as real and feels as suffering.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is a feeling of joy and relaxation. Mostly it feels ordinary though; there are many occasions that there is no difference is felt as the life just goes on as usual. There are other times things happening is seen as automatic. There happen to be no strong emotions to observe how they are seen. Perhaps need to wait for a while until such times happens to know the effect.
There is still 'to do lists', planning for a 'future', but less worrying about the plans unlike before. There is a sense that what has to happen will happen. Sometimes when an array of thoughts start criticizing somebody soon it will be seen to be irrelevant. Some thought flows of stories get interrupted without going on and on at length whereas previously it can go on for hours or even days depending on the case. Perhaps thought patterns have changed, even though not consistent.
Prior to starting of the dialog I didn't know how to investigate the truth of self/no-self. Studying by reading and listening to talks did not bring about realization, only gained a knowledge about perspective of others.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
What made me look? Of course your guidance, Vivien. I didn't know I have to look (not to think) or how to look. I just started wanting to find out the truth and followed your guidance.Looking pushed the perception little by little. First by seen the lack of control over thoughts and no thinker, then seen the body is a mental construct, then the illusion of time all of which in combination created the illusion of self constantly. All proved themselves to be imaginary and the self illusion got shattered.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
So called decision, intension, free will choice and control are all thought contents. They don't exist in reality, they can't be experienced. they can only be noticed in thoughts giving a false perception that these are actions we do. When there are apparently several options to choose from, one will take place and a thought arise as a self/I/me deliberately chose it. Every human being is with the same view and it is accepted as true.
It is hard to know what makes things happen as there is nothing to be experienced as the "what" or any kind of mechanism. It works nevertheless. It works automatically, meaning it happens without involvement of a self or any other entity. It all must be working the same way as it did before as there never was a self before either. For example, when there is hunger which is body sensations plus thoughts, looking for food takes place. Seeing several food items there is some apparent choices and selection takes place. It could be conditional or habitual as before. It happened before and it happens now, the only difference is previously it was claimed as done by "me" in thoughts.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
There is no self or nobody to be responsible for anything, but the responsibilities are taken care of automatically. Every chore I used to do while being under the illusion is still being performed as before, the only difference is 'doing' is much lighter now. Its more like effortless. When someone calls for help, the help is offered right away, even though there is no 'I' doing it in reality. How it works must be the same way as it worked before as there never was a self before either.
6) Anything to add?
I would like to express my gratitude to you for your dedication to guide me and help through this process and also gratitude for those who established the on-line system of meeting with those who seen through the illusion already. You didn't even skip a day without posting replies even during holidays. I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
