I don't know anything absolutely.

[Fallawake1]

Feeling good those days. Spring, sun, cycling, prayer of the heart.
In the last few weeks feeling more and more the heart area.
No burning questions.
Love

[Ilona]

Wonderful. Would you say we are done here with our conversation?
In your intro you said

I want to bring more love, consciousness and light in life. I want to use it as a tool to become consciously, rooted in beingness. Also, these days, I’m pondering with the question: What is ‘’my purpose’’ in life? So if light can be brought on that question, it would be great. I’m looking for uncaused and lasting peace and happiness. By happiness, I don’t mean always having a big smile on my face. I mean being at peace with what I am as a human. I want to love myself unconditionally. I want to always be honestly able to answer yes to the question: Do I love myself right now? I want Truth. I want to be more authentic in all my relations.

Is this resolved? How do you see this now?

Much love.

[Fallawake1]

Feeling you are right.

Relations are what they are.  Some time they will be more superficial, sometime they will be more profound.  In the last few months, noticing that there is more openness on my part in many of my relation with people. Of course, my openness fluctuates. I am as I am.

In the journey so far, there is more openness with all the spectrum of emotions.  So, in my experience, feeling more at peace in the human journey (including inner conflict).  There is less suffering (psychological) in my experience.  Noticing that for me, acknowledging an emotion helps being at peace with it.  The suffering points to where there is still a belief in separation.  In some way it’s a teacher.

As I was saying, sometime, there is still inner conflict.   In those moments I can’t answer yes honestly to the question: Do I love myself right now? But that’s ok.  Aknowledging that non-love.  Loving that non-love. There is more space.

Of course there is still some identification going on (ex: with my family).  It’s ok.  It’s all manifestation of Life.  Aknowledging those too.  Also the knowing that some of those identifications can be at the root of some suffering.  Evolution continues.

The Truth is that, there is no separate self.

There is the knowing that there will still probably be times in which there will be the feeling of being lost, but for now my purpose is to live Life.
Life living itself.
Much Love

[Ilona]

Mm, it took m a few days to answer. I can see that you are on the right track. I can see that your quests for more love is going well. But you say, that there is some identification still. That tells me, that we can chat a little more.
Can you describe what happens when there is identification with someone. What is there that claims identity, what does identity stick to? Expand on this identity thingy.

Love.

[Fallawake1]

I will give an example to show a type of identification that keeps popping into my relations:
Last Tuesday I spoke with my brother on the phone and we fixed a meeting for Friday. At first, I had in mind that it was going to be a short visit by myself to activate a new phone and I was also going to help him with mathematic problems. The next day my girlfriend tells me that his wife told her that I was going. She decided to come. On Friday, I learnt that they have decided to make a thing out of something that I first thought was going to be a short visit. I became very irritated. I didn’t want to go have supper. I don’t know exactly what it is but there is something on my side (hard to put the finger on) of the relationship with my brother. As I was saying to my girlfriend there is something latent (unconscious) on my part and it’s been there for a very long time (decades). Then there was a conflict because there was also the belief that I have to be nice with people but I didn’t really want to go have dinner with them.

The thought: old conditioning.
The thought: maybe identification wasn’t the right word.
The thought: Many conditioning are operating. Still some unconsciousness, automatic response.
The thought: Conditioning is a manifestation of life.
The thought: There is no conditioned one, there is conditioned response that emerges and disappears.
The thought: Seeing more and more those conditioning.
The thought: One of them is to go to thinking for answers.
The question: Every manifestation of life is conditioned?
The thought: It seems so.
In the last few weeks, very often feeling something equivalent to a hunger situated in the chest instead of in the stomach.
Much love

[Ilona]

Dear friend,
How is it going? What are you noticing?
What’s popping up to be seen?

Love

[Fallawake1]

Hello

Recently, while I was in my bed before going to sleep that thought emerged:
There is no objective reality.

Also, there is an exploration on love that is going on. What is love? Not talking about the emotion. Is love the recognition of the non-separatedness? Is Love the same as the desire, the impulse that allows any manifestation of Life?
Recently recognise jealousy and envy in the thought that emerged. However, do not really feel it in the body. They are the next in line to be loved. Feeling gratefull for what’s in my life.

Did a holotropic breathwork session on Saturday. It was very surprising and there was quite the emotional release. There was the intuition of asking on of the facilitator to put some pressure on my chest. He put a pillow on my chest and he laid on it. As soon as he put pressure, my eyes were full of tears. Was pushing against the pillow, screaming, crying, sobing. At some point, there was an image of a baby that was being born. Also the question: There is still that much on my heart?

Felt a bit of anxiety recently. Still more situated in the fact that there was recurring thoughts about that ‘’stressfull’’ situation. ‘’Sent’’ love to those thoughts. In general those thoughts pass more quickly.

My relationship with my girlfriend is deepening and is more and more open. Still doing the prayer of the heart.
Much love.

[Ilona]

Dear friend, this is lovely to hear. I can see you are on the right track and all is going well.
Is our conversation finished? Is there anything else you want to explore? Is it absolutely clear and obvious what is this I that we talk about?

Love

[Fallawake1]

Dear friend

I was quite busy this week (work, wedding planing), hence the delay.

It's clear and obvious what I is. I is a word, a thought, used to point to every experiencing (sensing, feeling, thinking, perceving). But there is no separate subject or object that is experiencing or experienced. It’s just experiencing that’s happening every moment, now. Thinking happens, feeling happens, perceiving happens, sensing happens. It’s all a manifestation of Life. The manifestation flows, forms evolve. The essence never changes.

Yes, I figure our conversation is finished. The exploration continues. On the path of more and more love.

Much Love

[Ilona]

Wonderful. Planing a wedding sounds like good fun :)

I’d like to invite you to answer the final questions again. I know you did already, but I think it would be good to get a fresh look again.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it ufully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Love

[Fallawake1]

Hi Dear friend.
With, the rehearsal, the shows, the dance classes, and the wedding preparations which is on June 23rd (Yeahh!!), couldn't find proper time to work on those questions. But here it is. I used the original answers for some questions and changed others. So much gratitude. If you're ever in Montreal, I would be happy to meet you :)
Much Love

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

For me being conscious and experiencing are synonymous.  Of course the mind is there only when a thought is experienced which is still very often in my experience.  Every ‘’object’’ of experiencing is inseparable from the experiencing of it, therefore inseparable from being conscious of it. 
Separate self isn’t in any of the experiencing.
It isn’t in the thought because even the thought ‘’I am separate’’ is experienced in consciousness and is not separate from it.
It isn’t in the feeling.  In my case I tried to feel the separation and it was impossible.  To be honest, in my experience, it’s quite the opposite, when the thoughts are less present to judge the feelings, any feelings brings to the present.
It isn’t in the body, body is a set of sensations and perceptions (touching, hearing, and seeing).  
Perceptions (touching): if I close my eyes and I touch a table.  Concentrating on the touching. Of course, at first there is an image of my hand and of the table in my mind.  But after a while it dissolves and either it’s being replace by a totally new, random, unrelated image but there is still in the background of consciousness the touching, or there is no more though (very rare) and there is pure touching.  And in that touching I can’t put a frontier to where the hand start and the table start.  It’s just touching. No separation.

Perceptions (hearing): if I close my eyes and I hear the clock ticking.  Concentrating on the hearing.  Again, image of the clock (thought) image of the sound waves (thought), image of my hear (thought). Dissolution/change of thought.  Hearing is still in the background.  No need to think about it.  It’s happening automatically.  Can’t say where the hearing start.  It’s just there. Happening. There is no separate self in the hearing.

Perceptions (seeing): Roaming the dining room where sitting whit the gaze.  Looking at my hand.  It’s just a different colour and shape than the rest.  But it’s not separate in any way.  Specific that’s it.  

The illusion of a separate body comes when we don’t pay attention.  

Sensations:  Inner body sensation, Strong sensation of tingling in the back of the head. Sensation of my abdomen and of the heart area.  Sensation of the face.  Sensation of the throat.  All those sensations happens in consciousness. They appear and disappear but can only be sensed with consciousness and there is no separation between these sensations and consciousness. 

There is nothing outside experiencing and it’s nowhere in the experiencing. So there is no separate self. 

There is a fear of what is painful. We reject it naturally. As most human did, in my upbringing, I’ve experienced being punished for doing something bad. When we’re young we do those “bad” things because we feel strong emotions (anger, jealousy, envy, sadness) and don’t know how to deal with them. We associate the punishment and the rejection from our loved ones to those feelings. In those moments, I felt the pain of being heart broken. I therefore rejected those feelings as being bad and later on any tendency to show those feelings or even just to feel those feelings where rejected. And guess what. We don’t choose what we feel. They say there’s two tendencies regarding negative feelings which in both cases makes us not feel them. The first one is suppressing them inwardly and the second one is letting them explode. In either cases, we don’t live with them because it would be to painful to feel them deeply. In my experience it would almost exclusively be the first tendency. In any case here is the resistance to what is and the birth of the illusion of the separate self.

What will make that illusion emerges in the now? 
When an event happens in the now that recalls that punishment or simply that feeling of being less loved in some way, the protection mechanism kicks in and there will be resistance.  If I do that or let that be, I won’t be loved. But that’s false because love is not there.
   
Example: I was five years old and the bus driver was upset with me because I was sick and I had vomited in the bus.   I felt less love because it was wrong. So being wrong brings the feeling of not being loved. So now everything that triggers the idea of being wrong is rejected because I believed that being wrong is bad. But being wrong is neither good nor bad. And even being wrong is relative to a point of view. And ultimately, something wrong now will be right at other times. 

In my case, the illusion of a separate self was also often generated when there was a lot of thinking going on, then there was the thought that there shouldn’t be that much thoughts.  Right there, there is resistance in the form of a thought, to the thinking mind itself. It created a contraction in the body (sphincter). That resistance still happens but it’s not believed to be a separate self anymore. In fact, that resistance is noticed more and more. But, even that resistance/fear is not the separate self, because there is simply no separate self.

Also, a lot of interactions with people will still bring that resistance/contraction in the lower body.  In my case, there is still some conditioned pattern of behaviour.  The story I am the nice guy, I am patient and so on and so on, all nice stories, they are all deeply rooted.  So when there is interaction with people there is that tendency to protect those stories/illusions and to dismiss authenticity.  That tendency was there to bring a certain comfort/peace in relations.  To a certain degree it’s a form of people pleasing.  I’m not saying that people pleasing is good or bad but in my case it brings a certain degree of anxiety. That habit is deeply ingrained. Guessing it is rooted in the belief that love and happiness is at least partly in the opinion that people have of me. But love and happiness are not there.

How does it feel to see this?

It feels liberating. Grateful to be able to experience feeling, sensing perceiving, thinking. It takes an existential guilt off of the shoulder. That’s the way things are. It’s Life. It will evolve as it always does.

What is the difference from before you started the dialogue? Please report from the past few days. 

The difference is that there is Consciousness almost immediately of when resistance emerges.  But now, that resistance/fear is not believed to be separate. That resistance brings the Consciousness to the body, to the Present. Sometimes, it brings even more contraction, sometimes it brings relaxation. I cried a lot in the past few weeks. Emotions passes. I feel more emotionally connected with some people. Also more and more aware of conditioning related with some people I know from a long time. More and more able to tell how I feel. I express myself more clearly then before. There is much less ruminating thought.



What was the last bit that pushed you over made you look?

I couldn't tell exactly but I can relate a few experiences that were definitely eye opening.
Two years ago, I did a MDMA assisted session.  I was listening to some beautiful classical music properly selected. The mind was very chatty during the first hour and a half or so.  At some point, there was a very sad piece that made me have thought about death.  I guess that death was viscerally accepted for a moment then boom, it was Grace accompanied by the quietest mind I had ever experience.  It only lasted a couple of second. What happened is beyond word.  It was the deepest peace I have ever felt.  My hand went to my heart by itself.  

In November 2018, I was quietly walking home from the subway station in meditation. Then for a very brief moment, there was no outside or inside.  Still accompanied by a quiet mind. 

On February 22nd 2019, I was participating into a non-dual satsang. At some point the satsang leader was explaining something.  After a while she fell into a silence in the middle of her explanation.  At the very same moment I recognized there was irritation in me.  She immediately said: Irritation.  I shared that with her a few days after.  It’s all connected.

On March 4th 2019 I was meditating on the metro on my way to work.  I had my eyes closed and I was concentrating on the ambient sound.  Then for a very brief moment, I guess the best way to say that is that there was no distinction between me and the sound. Again, the mind was very quiet.

On March 6th 2019, I was participating in a yoga nidra class.  For the last ten minutes or so of the class, and it’s the first time it happens, the teacher started singing very softly. At first, concentrating on breathing.  At some point, starting to listen more to her.  For a while, there was an image of her in my mind.  Concentrating on it then it dissolved.  Right at that moment there was a moment of pure listening. Feeling the music in my heart, or more exactly, Hearing with my heart. It was so beautiful.  I cried.  Experiencing that consciousness is not located in the head.  From that experience there is the thought: Consciousness has it’s center in the heart area.

On May 12th 2019, I was participating in a week end long silence retreat with some friends and the Yoga Nidra teacher I work with. On that last day of the retreat a good friend of mine was saying thank you to every one in the circle. It was very emotional. When it came to my turn. I could feel my heart kind of being torn apart. It was really intense. He was crying as I was and he also touched his heart. Such a connection.

On May 25th 2019, I was having my bachelor party. At the end of the party, after a beautiful and quite emotional day we were packed in a car. There was eight of us. No one was talking. At some point, my mind became quiet and there was something that came in a wonder. I was seeing the landscape (industrial) as colours and shape, no more. It was wonderful. Guessing it’s like seeing world through child’s eyes. Right after that, the mind puts words on it: The natural state of consciousness is wonderment. I arrived home. Cried with my girlfriend. I told her: I feel so much love but I don’t even know what it means.

Decision, Choice: 

In my experience, when a decision has to be made or a choice taken, there is very often that automatic movement to go to the thought. It’s a pattern/habit. For now, Life often manifests itself that way in me.

Control 

There is no control over what is going to be the next thought, don’t know what’s going to be the next thought. There is no control over what’s going to be the next feeling, don’t know what’s going to be the next feeling. There is no control over what’s going to be the next perception. A movement can happen and the perception changes. Blinking of the eyes, the perception changes. What decides if there is a movement or a blinking? Habits, pattern, conditioning, reflexes, natural process, Desire. There is no control over those. In my experience, there is still often an automatic movement to go to the thought/inner dialogue to see if an action should be taken or not. It gives the illusion of control because for a long time there was that illusion/belief that this dialogue/voice was an entity/me that is separate from everything (Life) and therefore, that can control at least part of it.

But there is no such entity. So there is no control. There is no control over what is decided either, because decision (in my case) often comes from thought but there is no control over what will be thought. The thoughts seems to derive from habits and patterns.

Free-will: 

Life is completely free. It’s even free not to be free, which is I guess often the case in my experience. It manifests as form not to be free. A form appears and disappears, a form always transforms. The human journey is conditioned (by education, beliefs, circumstances). The more I get conscious of those conditionings/patterns and with time, patience and practice, those conditionings can be given space and love and they will evolve. But it’s Life that bring consciousness to these, through relations, situations.

Intention: 

Energy put toward a goal that comes from a desire/love. It’s a concentration of consciousness/energy. Consciousness concentrating on a form.

Contraction followed by relaxation.  The greater the contraction, the deeper the surrender.  In the Yoga nidra class I was in on March 6th the teacher made us do an exploration about concentration and relaxation.  At first when we were asked to concentrate, the thought came to concentrate on the breath.  The first movement is to think about breathing, so there’s a kind of tension in the head.  In my case, it’s like if to concentrate on something, there is first this movement of thinking about that thing. It is then followed by a relaxation/surrender of the thought and then there is true concentration.  The concentration is within the relaxation. 

It’s a never ending automatic movement.  Noticing it very often. There is nothing to do, it’s like breathing.

What makes things happen? How does it works?

In my experience, Life is everything. Don’t know how it works but in every moments Life manifests itself through thoughts, feelings, perceptions, sensations. All those are never the same. Every form appears, seems to last and disappears. Life makes all things happen by pure desire, out of love. In my case, the mind is still very busy at finding explanation and reasons for things.  It all appears so effortlessly. I have the feeling that it’s just a big exploration of Consciousness into form.  Somehow, Consciousness, through the mind, puts a meaning on Life.  In that way, Consciousness gives itself its own meaning. But there is no meaning outside what is. Any explanation falls short because of the dualistic nature of language.  There is just that one Reality, and in each moment it is what it is, nothing more and nothing less.  Simple, beautiful, ever changing, always the same, ineffable, transparent, spacious, loving, contraction-relaxation, a show.

What are you responsible for?

The responsibility is to be Present to what is and see what the situation demands.  In that way, the responsibility comes moment by moment and we all do our best.

In the last two years, I have had many insights.  Recently, the main one was that ultimately, the teacher is in me, I have to look in me for answers.  Of course when looking, one sees everything that was hidden. I have had the chance to start that process a few years before, so the healing was already started. After seeing, one can accept the human journey and heal that human journey by giving it attention and space. For me, it has been through listening and sharing that a lot of work was done so far.  A lot can still be done and there is faith.  The responsibility is to heal that human journey.  Healing will bring healing in all my relationships

Much Love

[Ilona]

Dear friend. Thank you for your answers. I will be honest. It has been very challenging for me to walk with you. It’s like I read your words and I can’t tell where you are. Same this time. There are significant shifts and experiences. There are insights. And there is also a mix of feelings about what you write. I always look for shiny clarity and with you somehow I have doubts. I don’t want to tell you anything about your experience, to confirm that you see or not. I need this confirmation from you. And reading your answers I get confused, which tell me, the shiny clarity is not there. And I appreciate your unique expression and unique experience. It’s incomparabe. Only you know when you are done.

Your reply is is honest and it speaks about human experience. You say that your responsibility is to heal human journey. That’s really nice and that’s what is happening for you. But what is that that has a human journey? What are you without the story?

For me, one is done with LU process when one arrives at the spaciousness, that no longer identifies with form. When one is clear that there is nothing there to identify. With you- I see there is identification with being human and having to work to make the human journey better.

That’s all fine, as human journey is included, everything is included. But without a story, without thinking, what are you?

Do you feel that seeking has ended?

Another thing, it’s not about experiences. You describe experiences that were significant and meaningful. But it’s not about states that come and go. It’s about knowing that there is no one here to have experiences. Is that your seeing too?

I know it’s difficult to communicate over writing... but let’s keep talking.

Much love

[Fallawake1]

Hello
But what is that, that has a human journey? What are you without the story?
Life.

That’s all fine, as human journey is included, everything is included. But without a story, without thinking, what are you?
Life

Do you feel that seeking has ended?
That seeking was that belief in being a separate from Life human being. But there is only Life.
It has ended.

It’s about knowing that there is no one here to have experiences. Is that your seeing too?
Yes it is. Essentially, there is only Life.
The thought: Life manifesting itself in an infinity of forms.
Much love.

[Ilona]

Nice! Thank You! Simple and clear.
Hope to see you around on Facebook!

Much love