Hello Kay
I've had another go at the final questions...
Can you answer the following questions with some detail please, and answer what's true for you , rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer. Also please provide examples where asked.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. There is not and was never a separate self. There are times when the illusion of a separate self seems very real but when I look I see it is an illusion.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self arises when the content of thought is taken to be real - that thought identifies actual experience of sound, colour, taste, smell, sensation and thought as belonging to an 'I' and labelling everything else as 'not me'. This illusion is further elaborated by thought stories about this 'I' choosing, controlling , desiring, feeling. For me, the illusion seems always to be coming from taking the content of thought too seriously, not looking, and thereby forgetting that the self all the thought refers to is only another concept and not AE.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
It feels like putting down something I've been carrying everywhere, suddenly realising it's not needed. Sometimes it feels like a barely noticeable difference and other times like more of a substantial weight.
So I've had a few mental/emotional highs and lows the last days which has been a useful contrast for looking. It seems it has been getting easier to interrupt thought and either drop it or challenge it. I have especially noticed this in relation to thoughts where I compare my self to others and also generally worries, big and small. It doesn't really change anything but feels freeing.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I think in the last couple of days it was helpful having one day where I think I said before, felt very peaceful, pleasant when looking and seeing no self. You asked if there was any expectation there. I wasn't sure but then when I had a more challenging situation the next day I looked and found no 'self' that this bad feeling was happening to. That felt ok. There was still this feeling thought labels unpleasant but there was a detachment from it, a (at least temporary) cutting off of more thought stories coming and adding layers of thought upon thought. So I understood that when I thought there was a pleasantness to seeing no self actually what I was experiencing was thought, albeit quite subtle thought.
5) a) Describe decision, interesting ntion, free will, choice and control.
They are all concepts, the content of thought and cannot be found in AE. They all depend on a separate self, in control and coordinating them.
b) What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things just happen.
c) What are you responsible for?
Responsibility also depends on there being a separate self who is the one responsible, so there is no 'me' to be responsible for anything.
d) Give examples from experience.
There's a growing list of chores to be done and thought comes in saying 'I- separate me- better get organised and prioritise and stop being lazy and get on with it. Nothing happens. Later, I find myself busy having done almost everything without thinking about it. To me this kind of situation highlights how there is no 'I' controlling or choosing what happens.
Mix up with bus tickets and thought comes in again shouting and complaining. Remembering to recognise it as just thought, the situation doesn't change but I feel lighter.
Feeling very concerned about a personal problem I stop and breakdown experience into colour, sensation etc. Seeing there is no self this problem is happening to there is a sense of greater ease.
Looking very closely at sensation when eating I see that there is no pleasant or unpleasant. Thee are thoughts that label this ways but the AE is taste and sensation and sound and thought. This was important for me as I had been finding it hard to separate pleasant and unpleasant from sensation.
With love
Anna