Scared right now

[AttheGate]

At the family gathering yesterday a number of times the same old story came up, same old reactions. The difference was that they were noticed, there was an inner smile and the reactions went away. The other difference was that I had compassion for the conditioned character. Not a big deal. Just a gentle seeing. I also had compassion for the other characters caught in the drama. At the same time I noticed Judith, at times, feeling pangs of annoyance at herself and the other characters for slipping into roles. But, the annoyance came and went; came and went quickly.

However, with my brother I wanted more. I wanted a level of being seen and accepted. I wanted to let him know we dont have to keep acting these roles. These reactions are not new. The difference at the time was a certain level of compassion for the characters. The large difference is that right now now none of this matters. All just popping up in the moment yesterday have just vanished. Completely gone.

Right now I feel free. New options for love without the stickiness of the Judith character. A love that’s not personal. At the same time knowing the stickiness may continue. At the same time none of this matters— not the stickiness, not the level of love, not the concern that I’ll become a mute, disengaged blob.

So the big differenc is how fast feelings and reactions come and go and don’t matter. Absolutely don’t matter.

In a certain way my exploring these questions doesn’t matter. Yet, there’s continuing openings as Ibexplore these questions with you.

The key to seeing this? There was no one key.
Somehow each time I write you there are shifts. I thought it was because I wasn’t alone on the journey. Thought it was a “vibration” between us. Thought it was the way your specific responses/ questions pierced the illusion. I don’t really know.
Somehow I’ve been able to relax, allow and trust. But, that trusting didn’t come natural to the Judith character.

I truly have no answer to your last question. A mystery.

Much love,
J

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Thank you.

Last question, again, no need to over-think it, just notice your experience with respect to these things and share whatever shows up.

- Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Does ‘me’/‘myself’ make things happen? Is ‘me’/‘myself’ in control of anything? How does it work? What is ‘me’/‘myself’ responsible for? Give an example from experience.

With much love!
John

[AttheGate]

Just returned from an apt.with my surgeon. Anxious about the appointment.
Worst ever Uber ride. Arrived pretty angry/agitated. And remembered to breathe.
Very quickly slipped into awareness and slid out of the nerve racking drama the character, Judith, was obsessing about.
Don't have a sense that the character has control— even of choosing to breathe. The character will feel what she feels, do what she does in response to the moment. There is a certain sense that the character has new skills and a new perspective. So she has more options for responding to what’s emerging in the moment.

The Judith character is well trained. She did not scream at rhe Uber driver. She breathed before seeing the nurse and doctor. Seemingly the character was taking responsibility.
However, the Judith character just has a particular conditioning.
On the level of no me/no character there isn’t any control, free will or responsibility.
😂😂😂😂 haha The nice, considerate, moral Judith character will SEEMINGLY! choose a particular responsible way of responding in the moment.

And, obviously, the entire Uber, doctor, character Judith drama was just stuff popping up. At this moment, words free will, choice etc. are as silly a controlling the shape of a cloud.
(Seeing this with such clarity is fun. I See how the Judith character created the entire drama! No control because the drama just is)

Love, j

[AttheGate]

Ps. I love the clarity that’s coming as I reflect on these questions. Amusing. Smiles and more smiles

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Ps. I love the clarity that’s coming as I reflect on these questions. Amusing. Smiles and more smiles

Your smiles are infectious. :)

It's been an honour to walk along with you.

With much love and kindest wishes,
John

[AttheGate]

Saying goodbye to John of Wales? A pang of “no”.

Our connection has, obviously, been transformative. Gratitude doesn’t nail it. But, I’ll try:

Thank you for your patience.
Grateful that I’ve had such precise!!! guidance on a personal level from someone who allows the keys to freedom to flow out in words— and vibes.
Thank you for being a friend and guide as I’ve struggled with pain and large body challenges.
Thank you for allowing our process to be just as it’s meant to be. Thank you for being flexible.
Thank you for being completely committed to our process. A big factor in being able to let go and trust. A keystone on this journey.

May what I have received from you touch others — in whatever way— as you have touched me.

Blessings on you and this powerful— seemingly simple — work you are doing.

With much, much love, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

Saying goodbye to John of Wales? A pang of “no”.

Our connection has, obviously, been transformative. Gratitude doesn’t nail it. But, I’ll try:

Thank you for your patience.
Grateful that I’ve had such precise!!! guidance on a personal level from someone who allows the keys to freedom to flow out in words— and vibes.
Thank you for being a friend and guide as I’ve struggled with pain and large body challenges.
Thank you for allowing our process to be just as it’s meant to be. Thank you for being flexible.
Thank you for being completely committed to our process. A big factor in being able to let go and trust. A keystone on this journey.

May what I have received from you touch others — in whatever way— as you have touched me.

Blessings on you and this powerful— seemingly simple — work you are doing.

With much, much love, j

That's very kind Judith. I'll PM (private message) you with contact details should you wish to keep in touch.
(You can see private messages on the right-hand side of the website forum page, just by your forum name.)

Till then :)

With much love and hugs,
John