Still searching

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah, back again. Strangely enough, I really enjoyed this exercise.

Here's what I found:

It's the thoughts that make life so unbearable- if only - why? etc. Hurts, not physical but mental (more thoughts!). They've stuck and stuck and become the 'story of me'.

Sensations - They are always the same, just more or less intense. It's a tenseness in my solar plexus area and my head. When it's very intense there is a vibration. This is very old, and began when I was 12 years old. Won't go in to detail but there was a lot of stuff happening at the time which I found hard to cope with and the accompanying sensations were labelled not just bad but VERY frighteningly bad. So it's been labelled for a long time. The only reason it has a history is because 'I' gave it one. It is a painful sensation and only the intensity changes, it's always the same sensation. It IS a problem because this stupid 'I-thought' makes it one.

When looked at without labelling the sensations are not that bad! Wow. More interesting than debilitating. It feels exactly the same as fear - without thoughts it just becomes a different sensation from others. Everything about this sensation is fear (just realised that). Bodily fear, social fear, death fear. Even life fear.

Soul of the foot is just a tingling vibration. The chest/head area is more intense. Sensations are the same, just sensations but the sole of my foot is a lighter one. Can't really fiind the right words to express myself properly so I hope you get the gist Sarah.

I could easily live with the sensation, and yes, I can almost see the thoughts grab it and 'stick it to me'. Thoughts arise, sensations begin, thought intensifies it. It's like a ruddy loop. The resistance itself in the thoughts, why couldn't I see this?

As you know, this a difficult time for me at the moment, though I have been describiing feelings that come up (the same ones) in lots of other areas of life, not just this one. Anyway, I've been practising a bit today. When the thoughts and feelings arose, I first deliberately allowed myself to join the story, and the result was, shall we say, depressing? When they came again I examined them and let them go. Result! I felt a lot lighter.

When I have thoughts about how unbearable life is, what is noticed by the senses is - (I'm thinking hard here...) not a lot! It's a mild body discomfort and exhaustion (is that 'sensed'? I'm not sure) with the constant fight. No touch, sight, smell, sound so I guess it's them damned thoughts again.

I've realised that what I was hoping for was to make the world not real so it can't hurt me.

Thank you so much for listening Sarah

Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hey Jackie!
Lovely post. Keep going with this exercise.

it's always the same sensation.

Are now. check that. Can you know that for a fact? Or is a memory thought telling you that?

It IS a problem because this stupid 'I-thought' makes it one.

Thought wanting! See it and have a good laugh! How can that be? See the story right there Jackie! :)

Bodily fear, social fear, death fear. Even life fear.

Is fear yours? Don't answer this too quickly - look, look and look again! Do you bring it? Do you send it away? Imagine a radio. Does the radio ever know what song is going to come out next? Does it resist some songs? Like others? Or does the song simply come and go? Now go back to the exercise. Whatever happens - is it simply another song?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah,

Dangermouse wrote:
it's always the same sensation.
Are now. check that. Can you know that for a fact? Or is a memory thought telling you that?

The anxiety knot in my chest always comes so I think it is. It feels like an automatic reaction to hurtful thoughts. Hmm... not the nice ones though.

Dangermouse wrote:
It IS a problem because this stupid 'I-thought' makes it one.

Thought wanting! See it and have a good laugh! How can that be? See the story right there Jackie! :)

I have seen it Sarah. It IS funny. Fiction in action lol.


Dangermouse wrote:
Bodily fear, social fear, death fear. Even life fear.

Is fear yours? Don't answer this too quickly - look, look and look again! Do you bring it? Do you send it away? Imagine a radio. Does the radio ever know what song is going to come out next? Does it resist some songs? Like others? Or does the song simply come and go? Now go back to the exercise. Whatever happens - is it simply another song?

Bingo! How can fear be mine? I don't bring it and I don't let it go. The radio analogy is brilliant. It's just another song. There are some bad ones though lol. The problem arises with the resistance (this is the constant 'fight' that so tires me). Thoughts come and go just like the songs on the radio, good or bad are processed by the receiver in the same way. Flying through and gone again. It's ok to have bad/sad thoughts, they will probably always happen but they don't need to be attached to a story, just accepted as they are and let go.

Chuckling at the mo.

Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hi Jackie
You: The anxiety knot in my chest always comes so I think it is. It feels like an automatic reaction to hurtful thoughts. Hmm... not the nice ones though.

Me: so when experience any sensation what tells you it is the same? Your right there is an almost automatic reaction, so no worries if forgetting happens. Keep trying to catch it. What tells you it's the same. And is it really?

You: Bingo! How can fear be mine? I don't bring it and I don't let it go. The radio analogy is brilliant. It's just another song. There are some bad ones though lol. The problem arises with the resistance (this is the constant 'fight' that so tires me). Thoughts come and go just like the songs on the radio, good or bad are processed by the receiver in the same way. Flying through and gone again. It's ok to have bad/sad thoughts, they will probably always happen but they don't need to be attached to a story, just accepted as they are and let go.

Me: keep looking. Is fear yours? Does the radio own the songs? How do you control fear in any way? And what you are fearful of, is there actually anything threat there? Or is thought projecting into the future or past?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry I've been a while (babysitting weekend = exhaustion lol).

Me: so when experience any sensation what tells you it is the same? Your right there is an almost automatic reaction, so no worries if forgetting happens. Keep trying to catch it. What tells you it's the same. And is it really?

I'm not really with this one yet Sarah, but this is what I've noticed so far. All the bad feelings (whatever the reason) feel the same (anxiety knot etc) but there seems to be a whole range of good feelings experienced in different ways. Happy/funny/proud/love/appreciation etc. How can that be?

Me: keep looking. Is fear yours? Does the radio own the songs? How do you control fear in any way? And what you are fearful of, is there actually anything threat there? Or is thought projecting into the future or past?

The fear is not 'mine'. It's part of the story that the word-thought 'I' invented. Like a radio receiver I have to receive but there is no-one making the choice of what. There's no choice to begin with anyway. There's no way to control fear as it's a mind creation which isn't real. There's no actual threat there Sarah, just thoughts creating it. Thoughts constantly take me to the past hurts and dread of the future but the past and future cannot 'cause' anything - they don't exist now.

Thanks again Sarah,
Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hey Jackie
You: I'm not really with this one yet Sarah, but this is what I've noticed so far. All the bad feelings (whatever the reason) feel the same (anxiety knot etc) but there seems to be a whole range of good feelings experienced in different ways. Happy/funny/proud/love/appreciation etc. How can that be?

Me: what describes bad feelings? What explains them? What tells stories about them? What tells you they are all the same and experienced in exactly the same way every time they appear? And you are right, how can that be? Look.
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah,

A quick reply as I'm being naughty and doing this at work:

Thoughts describe bad feelings! Thoughts explain them and ‘tell the story’. All feelings good or bad are just that – feelings described by thoughts creating feelings etc in a ‘loop’. I’m a funny old aerial Sarah. I’m looking at these thoughts and each one is just sliding away and being replaced by others. There’s no-one making them do that.

Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hey Jackie
You: Thoughts describe bad feelings! Thoughts explain them and ‘tell the story’. All feelings good or bad are just that – feelings described by thoughts creating feelings etc in a ‘loop’. I’m a funny old aerial Sarah. I’m looking at these thoughts and each one is just sliding away and being replaced by others. There’s no-one making them do that.

Me: wonderful noticing! Pay attention to this. Just watch. Does anything happen to the story when you simply notice it coming in and then moving off?
Keep noticing that you don't bring any of them. Even the ones that describe something that usually ends up with uncomfortable feelings AND the ones that bring nicer and more preferred feelings.
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks again for being such a good pointer.

Me: wonderful noticing! Pay attention to this. Just watch. Does anything happen to the story when you simply notice it coming in and then moving off?
Keep noticing that you don't bring any of them. Even the ones that describe something that usually ends up with uncomfortable feelings AND the ones that bring nicer and more preferred feelings.

I'm giggleing a bit now Sarah, because the story sort of disappears. Just like 'I' does when I look for it. Life seems to become full of curiosity again without the 'story of me'. In a 'wonder what will happen today' kind of thing. I am thinking more thoughts like 'walking is happening' 'seeing is happening' instead of attaching everything to the non-existent 'me'. I'm judging people/things less and less and watching life just happening. It's very curious and interesting.

It would be great to think that we could not bring bad thoughts and only bring good ones but it doesn't work like that does it? While I can watch the thoughts come and go they will always come. I think they come from nowhere and go back to the same place. Hope I'm making sense here. The thoughts are definately less 'sticky'.

Have a great weekend Sarah
Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hey Jackie
You: It would be great to think that we could not bring bad thoughts and only bring good ones but it doesn't work like that does it? While I can watch the thoughts come and go they will always come. I think they come from nowhere and go back to the same place. Hope I'm making sense here. The thoughts are definately less 'sticky'.

Me: ok. So keep noticing. Notice the thought that doesn't want bad ones and only good ones. Can you see that thought? Can you see the thoughts that try and explain? That try and predict? Can you see the thought that might use the above noticing as something to 'do' when stuff is not comfortable in order for bad uncomfortable stuff goes away? Can you see that?
Get real curious about it all, wonderful way of saying it by the way! Open it all up.
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah, hope you are well, this is a bit of a rant...

Me: ok. So keep noticing. Notice the thought that doesn't want bad ones and only good ones. Can you see that thought? Can you see the thoughts that try and explain? That try and predict? Can you see the thought that might use the above noticing as something to 'do' when stuff is not comfortable in order for bad uncomfortable stuff goes away? Can you see that?
Get real curious about it all, wonderful way of saying it by the way! Open it all up.

Yes, yes, and yes! Again, it's the thoughts doing their own thing. I can see that thought very well, and the ones that try and make sense of it all. Chuffing 'eck I thought I'd made real progress and it's the thoughts just doing their own thing again. Not the done thing I know, but I'm getting really angry with this. It's crazy, the thought that doesn't want bad thoughts using noticing as a distraction, and this 'me', who doesn't exist, is lapping it up! So it's another thought that's 'lapping it up'! Aarrgghh!

Can you still drag your brain out through your nose with a hook Sarah? I might find it handy lol.

Do I have to think? Can I ignore it all and just watch and live? No, because there's no 'I' to ignore it. Thoughts are just part of the life experience.

I am now going to eat chocolate.

Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hi Jackie!
You: Yes, yes, and yes! Again, it's the thoughts doing their own thing. I can see that thought very well, and the ones that try and make sense of it all. Chuffing 'eck I thought I'd made real progress and it's the thoughts just doing their own thing again. Not the done thing I know, but I'm getting really angry with this. It's crazy, the thought that doesn't want bad thoughts using noticing as a distraction, and this 'me', who doesn't exist, is lapping it up! So it's another thought that's 'lapping it up'!

Me: lol. :) Progress? Explore that.
Get very curious about the anger. Is it any different to thoughts passing by? They come they go. Does anger? Did you bring that? Where does that come from? Is it yours any more than the fear or uncomfortable feelings? Any different?

You: Can you still drag your brain out through your nose with a hook Sarah? I might find it handy lol. Do I have to think? Can I ignore it all and just watch and live? No, because there's no 'I' to ignore it. Thoughts are just part of the life experience.

Me: to ignore would imply a doer. Where is the doer Jackie? Do you have to think would imply a doer. Where is the one who brings these? Who sends them away? Who controls them in any way? To ignore would do the same? What are all of these? More thoughts wanting something other than what is? Notice theire coming and going.
What stays the same? What doesn't move? Anything?

You: I am now going to eat chocolate.
Me: Yes please! :)
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah, the choccy was yummy!

Me: lol. :) Progress? Explore that.

Nothing to explore. It's a mind thing again making 'sense' of what's happening and creating a goal.

Get very curious about the anger. Is it any different to thoughts passing by? They come they go. Does anger? Did you bring that? Where does that come from? Is it yours any more than the fear or uncomfortable feelings? Any different?

No Sarah, no difference. Just a thought that was fleetingly stronger than the others. None of it is mine - it's like watching a food processor working and 'I' certainly didn't bring it. The anger just comes from thought processes, the brain is a pretty good story teller.

Me: to ignore would imply a doer. Where is the doer Jackie? Do you have to think would imply a doer. Where is the one who brings these? Who sends them away? Who controls them in any way? To ignore would do the same? What are all of these? More thoughts wanting something other than what is? Notice theire coming and going.

There's NO DOER. No little 'me' controlling anything. Spot on with thoughts wanting something other than what is. As you say, they come and go seemingly from and to nowhere. They're not 'mine' - they just are and that's it.

What stays the same? What doesn't move? Anything?

Nothing stays the same, all is life in motion in it's various ways. 'Lifeing' as the 'enlightenment quotes' state.

Typing is happening, drinking coffee is happening, breathing etc is happening and there's no doer - it's getting to be really funny.

Thanks so much Sarah,
Love Jackie
x

[Sarah7]

Hey Jackie!

There's NO DOER. No little 'me' controlling anything. Spot on with thoughts wanting something other than what is. As you say, they come and go seemingly from and to nowhere. They're not 'mine' - they just are and that's it.

OK - so can thoughts think? Can thoughts want? OR is it just thinking happening or wanting happening?

Take some time to find something that thought doesn't explain, story spin or label. Can you find anything?

What notices all this happening? Anything? Nothing? Can you see anything? But if nothing is seen - is noticing happening? And when noticing is happening - does 'it' mind what is being experienced?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Dangermouse]

Hi Sarah,

Back again after some looking.

OK - so can thoughts think? Can thoughts want? OR is it just thinking happening or wanting happening?

No, one thought just follows another, a thought cannot think. That's like asking if an eye can see itself. They just flow and make a story. Thinking and wanting happen in exactly the same way - all is just mind work (thoughts).

Take some time to find something that thought doesn't explain, story spin or label. Can you find anything?

I can't find anything, not one thing - they even try to explain dreams (meaning of etc). They explain, label and make stories about everything that exists - including this person/body.

What notices all this happening? Anything? Nothing? Can you see anything? But if nothing is seen - is noticing happening? And when noticing is happening - does 'it' mind what is being experienced?

I can't see anything that's doing the noticing, it's a blank space. I can't understand how noticing is happening (because it is) if there's no noticer. Is it awareness? But what 'thing' is being aware? Noticing doesn't 'mind' any experience (good or bad) because it's just watching and not attaching.

Ha! Noticing is just doing it's thing and trying to make it feel like 'I' am doing it.

Help.... lol

Love Jackie
x