The Gate

Dear Terry,

yes, there is resistance to looking. Welcome it, feel it, let it come closer as you did with the fear. And then ask it what it is protecting you from.

Also look behind the resistance. Can anything be seen it is protecting you from?


The looking is very simple. It is the same looking you do when looking for the keys or for a matching sock. Nothing more.

Here is lovely article from Delma on looking. Enjoy it!

http://liberationunleashed.com/articles/dear-seeker/

Warm regards,
Ghata

Dear Ghata,

Thank you for your persistence and honesty.

I read Delma's article, and thought about how you said, "the looking is very simple. It is the same looking you do when looking for the keys or a matching sock."

OK, so I'm looking for self, the Terry-controller. I'm looking in my experience. Do I find the Terry-controller anywhere in my experience? Is she there on the couch? No. Is she in my ears? No. Is she on top of my head? No. The rising and falling of my abdomen with breathing--is that her? No. OK, how about that sensation at the back of the throat that seems like it might be her -- is that her? No, that is just sensation. Well, how about that place inside the head where it seems these questions are being generated? This is where it seems different from looking for the keys. I know what keys look like and anyplace I look, unless it's really dark, I know immediately whether the keys are there or not. I don't know what a Terry-controller would look like in my experience. It seems possible that it could be the place inside the head. What do I observe inside the head? Just sensation. OK, I can't be sure there is no self there, but I can say that all I observe is sensation. Is the idea to just keep looking all over the place like that, over and over?

there is resistance to looking. Welcome it, feel it, let it come closer as you did with the fear. And then ask it what it is protecting you from.

Resistance, what are you protecting me from?

Answer: I don't really want to see. I just want to be comfortable, and I'm pretty comfortable. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole. What is on the other side? I like everything to be complex. I don't want nothingness. I like working hard because working hard keeps me safe. I don't want to find what I seek because then I will no longer have the search; I will have to say good-bye to it. And I will feel silly for having sought for so long.

Also look behind the resistance. Can anything be seen it is protecting you from?

Spaciousness, freedom, moving forward, no bearings, no direction, sadness, sadness, aloneness, feeling silly, feeling dumb, sadness, grief. Knowing that the past does not exist, that I can never go back there.

I see that these answers are very similar to those I gave when inquiring about fear. Now what?

Terry

Dear Terry,

Thank you. You are as honest and perseverant and did a wonderful job on looking! It is really that simple :-)

OK, so I'm looking for self, the Terry-controller. I'm looking in my experience. Do I find the Terry-controller anywhere in my experience? Is she there on the couch? No. Is she in my ears? No. Is she on top of my head? No. The rising and falling of my abdomen with breathing--is that her? No. OK, how about that sensation at the back of the throat that seems like it might be her -- is that her? No, that is just sensation.

Perfect direct looking! And yes, the sensation in the throat is just a sensation.

Well, how about that place inside the head where it seems these questions are being generated? This is where it seems different from looking for the keys. I know what keys look like and anyplace I look, unless it's really dark, I know immediately whether the keys are there or not. I don't know what a Terry-controller would look like in my experience. It seems possible that it could be the place inside the head. What do I observe inside the head? Just sensation. OK, I can't be sure there is no self there, but I can say that all I observe is sensation.

What of the head can be experienced directly, with eyes open? What can be seen? Anything that can be heard? Smelled? Is there any taste?

Now close your eyes and find out what of your head can be felt. Is there any head at all? Where is the border of the head and the surrounding?

Is there a place where thoughts are generated?

Place a hand on top of your head. What sensations are there? Can you tell that there is something below the sensation at all?

Can the 'I-Terry-controller' be found in the head? Isn't the sensation "in the head" just the same as the sensations in the throat?


If you want do more, look for the I in the same way you would look for a racoon in your house, after you neighbour told you she saw the animal slipping into the house through the open door.


Warm regards,
Ghata

Dear Ghata,

I casually looked for Terry throughout the day, then just now spent about 30 minutes "having a long good look", as you said.

What of the head can be experienced directly, with eyes open? What can be seen? Anything that can be heard? Smelled? Is there any taste?

I can see my nose, but it doesn't look the same as it does in the mirror. There is one translucent image to the left and another to the right, as though there are two noses. I also see strands of hair framing my field of view. I can hear the air passing through the nose. At the moment, I cannot smell or taste my head.

Now close your eyes and find out what of your head can be felt. Is there any head at all? Where is the border of the head and the surrounding?

There is sensation in the head. The sensation gives an impression that is very different from the impression gotten from seeing the head in the mirror. There is pulsing in what I imagine is the region of the throat, jaw, and nasal cavities. As I breathe, air can be felt passing through the nose and throat. I can feel the tongue pressing against various parts of the mouth, and there is sensation in the mouth where there is contact with the tongue. I can feel the lips pressed together. I can feel a sensation of dryness in the left eye, and I can feel the eyes blinking periodically. I can feel tensing in the jaw, a light, periodic clenching.

Is there a place where thoughts are generated?

As I compose this message, it seems that the throat constricts at the word "I". Also, there is light sensation in the ears, as though the ears are hearing the words. And sometimes, simultaneous to the thought, there is sensation in the right side of the head behind the eye and in the right jaw. These sensations give the impression that thought is being generated by some mechanism in the head.

Place a hand on top of your head. What sensations are there? Can you tell that there is something below the sensation at all?

When the hand is on top of the head, there is sensation in the scalp: the sensation of contact, and sensation of pressure. There is also added sensation in the jaw, seemingly in resistance to the pressure. There is no perception of anything below the scalp.

Isn't the sensation "in the head" just the same as the sensations in the throat?

Yes.

Can the 'I-Terry-controller' be found in the head?

I spent quite some time looking about for her as though I were searching for my keys. The idea was, "there is an impression that a Terry exists--where is she?" When a thought arose, there was an impression it was arising from a certain spot. My attention would then go to that spot, and I would find simple sensation. The spots included the throat, the back of the mouth, and inside the back of the head--never anywhere else. To mix it up, I sometimes looked in other places: the lips, the tongue, the ears, the eyes. The answer would then immediately be, "No, of course she isn't there."

During the course of reflecting and writing the above, anger repeatedly arose for me in response to my partners (I have two intimate partners whom I live with, one of whom is also working with an LU guide right now) doing innocuous things like getting into bed next to me, giving me advice, and asking me what I was doing. The anger was sticky and distracting. I eventually left the room to sit alone on the couch, although the thought arose, "Perhaps it would be more useful to sit here and experience this anger, these instances of the ego defending itself against perceived threat, than to escape in order to write back to Ghata."

Terry

Dear Terry,

that was a good look into what we refer to as head :-)

I can see my nose, but it doesn't look the same as it does in the mirror. There is one translucent image to the left and another to the right, as though there are two noses. I also see strands of hair framing my field of view. I can hear the air passing through the nose. At the moment, I cannot smell or taste my head.

Right! There is only very little direct experience regarding the head.

There is pulsing in what I imagine is the region of the throat, jaw, and nasal cavities. As I breathe, air can be felt passing through the nose and throat. I can feel the tongue pressing against various parts of the mouth, and there is sensation in the mouth where there is contact with the tongue. I can feel the lips pressed together. I can feel a sensation of dryness in the left eye, and I can feel the eyes blinking periodically. I can feel tensing in the jaw, a light, periodic clenching.

Good. Could you actually directly experience the "tongue", the "mouth", "lips", "jaw"? Or are these names already a conceptual overlay over pressure, clenching and other sensations, experienced in different places?

As I compose this message, it seems that the throat constricts at the word "I". Also, there is light sensation in the ears, as though the ears are hearing the words. And sometimes, simultaneous to the thought, there is sensation in the right side of the head behind the eye and in the right jaw. These sensations give the impression that thought is being generated by some mechanism in the head.

This sounds like there was a silent attempt to speak and hear the thought. Is the Impression right that the thought is generated by some mechanism?
Directly looking means noticing what can be experienced through the senses without overlaying any thought concepts . Can you find this mechanism without using a thought construction?

When the hand is on top of the head, there is sensation in the scalp: the sensation of contact, and sensation of pressure. There is also added sensation in the jaw, seemingly in resistance to the pressure. There is no perception of anything below the scalp.

Good!


Please, sit down and simply look, hear, feel...

In this "reality"... in this pure experience without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay... where are "you" to be found?


Warm regards,
Ghata

Please, sit down and simply look, hear, feel...

In this "reality"... in this pure experience without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay... where are "you" to be found?

Without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay, NOTHING can be found other than thought+sensation. No couch, no table, no hand, no keys, no raccoon--these are all concepts. So, it doesn't make sense to me to look for ANY of these things in pure experience. The answer is immediately, "no Terry is to be found, no table is to be found, no couch is to be found ... just thought, sound, color, pressure, pain, itching."

I will give this a go anyway. I am looking for Terry. I am closing my eyes, hearing, feeling, and asking, "Where is Terry?" as I direct my attention in different directions. Wherever I look, there is only thought, hearing, sensation.

Did that for about 10 minutes. Have to get ready for work now; will look some more for Terry on the bus :-)

Terry

Dear Terry

Without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay, NOTHING can be found other than thought+sensation. No couch, no table, no hand, no keys, no raccoon--these are all concepts.

Right.

So is there any 'I'?


Warm regards,
Ghata

Dear Ghata,

I just spent 20 minutes observing what is going on in the region of the head, noticing thoughts, noticing sensations. Noticing the sensations that arise simultaneous to thought. Noticing that the sensation and the thought are two distinct phenomena that happen to co-arise. Noticing that what I experience is not head, but is sensation and thought (plus some strange nose-like images if my eyes are open).

There is still this thought-sensation combination that has this strong flavor of "I". The sensations really make it seem like the thoughts are being spoken inside my head. So when a thought arises, it's not seen as just arising and passing, but as being generated. I figure that if I just keep observing this, it will eventually become clear that the thought and the sensation are separate things co-arising, and the illusion of thought being generated will evaporate.

Or maybe I should keep looking for Terry as though I'm looking for my keys, or a raccoon that my neighbor told me has slipped into the house. Instead of indulging this fascination with the co-arising of thought and sensation. What do you advise?

I feel interested to keep looking.

Delma's article inspired me to keep looking, but I also wasn't sure what she was pointing at. She said something like, "Look at the image of the dewdrop in this article. Look at anything at all! What is seen? What is not seen?" When I look at the image of the dewdrop, I see light, color, blue, lines, brightness, darkness. I don't see anything else. I don't see a dewdrop.

I am reminded about a story I once heard about a famous scientist. Can't remember his name. As a young student he had a mentor, another famous scientist. The mentor gave him an assignment: Please look at this preserved dead animal in a jar and report to me what you observe. It was a very simple animal, perhaps a worm, and the student thought he'd seen all there was to see after perhaps an hour. He wrote it down and proudly went back to his mentor. His mentor told him that he hadn't looked thoroughly enough and that he had to go look again. Dejected, the student spent a boring session looking at this thing from every angle, not able to find anything new. He reported back once again and the mentor said, "You haven't looked enough. Look again." The young student ended up spending many hours over the course of several days looking at this thing. After a while he started seeing new things that he hadn't seen before. He became very engaged and kept seeing more and more new things. Years later, as an established, successful scientist, he credited this teacher with giving him one of the most important trainings of his career: to look deeply.

Dear Terry,

The sensations really make it seem like the thoughts are being spoken inside my head.

This is a very common phenomenon. Many people just hear thoughts.

Keep looking. Best is to keep the inquiry simple. There is a lot that is fascinating to explore. Who wants to explore all this? Is there a you, deciding to think about it or look into it?

Without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay, NOTHING can be found other than thought+sensation. No couch, no table, no hand, no keys, no raccoon--these are all concepts.

Right.

Can any 'I' be found?


Warm regards,
Ghata

Keep looking. Best is to keep the inquiry simple. There is a lot that is fascinating to explore. Who wants to explore all this? Is there a you, deciding to think about it or look into it?

There was a thought process that concluded it would be a good idea to investigate exactly when and how sensations co-arise with thought.

Without thoughts adding a conceptual overlay, NOTHING can be found other than thought+sensation. No couch, no table, no hand, no keys, no raccoon--these are all concepts.

Right.
Can any 'I' be found?

I've been looking. It seems silly to keep looking for some 'I' because I know from long experience that there is nothing to be found besides thought and sensation. But I just keep scanning my experience in the region of my head and upper body, asking, "Is Terry there?" or "There is no Terry -- is it true?" Certain sensations catch my attention because they are the sensations that are associated with the feeling of being Terry. I look at them and see, "it is only sensation." I ask, "is there anything to be found other than thought and sensation?" The answer is "no".

This evening I feel inexplicably sad and frustrated. Also, resistance has arisen. I once again asked the resistance to speak. It said, "I don't feel like doing this! It's not working! Nothing is working out for me! I'm tired of all this!'

It just occurred to me, intellectually, that the sense that certain thought/sensation combinations are self is itself a thought. Can that be directly experienced? I just now looked. This "sense" of self was not experienced as a thought this time around.

Earlier today I also felt sad and frustrated, but less so. I looked a lot. I skimmed other dialogs you've had with people. There was a thought that it was wrong to do this, since my partner's guide told her not to read other dialogs while she was being guided. I know that each person's process is unique and there is nobody to do anything correctly or incorrectly, but the comparing mind couldn't help but notice, "Oh, so-and-so got it in only a few days." Although there was a recurring thought that it was wrong to look at these dialogs, there was also a lifting of the spirits to see that this is possible and has been successful for so many others.

Dear Terry,

It just occurred to me, intellectually, that the sense that certain thought/sensation combinations are self is itself a thought.

Yes. That is right. Sensations are there and then a thought labels it. Pain, unease, low self esteem, joy,....self.

There was a thought process that concluded it would be a good idea to investigate exactly when and how sensations co-arise with thought.

Yes, that can be looked into and is very interesting. At this point I have the feeling though that it might be a distraction. A way of postponing the full seeing.

In an earlier post you wrote:

Resistance, what are you protecting me from?

Answer: I don't really want to see. I just want to be comfortable, and I'm pretty comfortable. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole. What is on the other side? I like everything to be complex. I don't want nothingness. I like working hard because working hard keeps me safe. I don't want to find what I seek because then I will no longer have the search; I will have to say good-bye to it. And I will feel silly for having sought for so long.

Is it that what keeps you from seeing? What would happen if you saw through the illusion NOW?


Warm regards,
Ghata

Resistance, what are you protecting me from?
Answer: I don't really want to see. I just want to be comfortable, and I'm pretty comfortable. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole. What is on the other side? I like everything to be complex. I don't want nothingness. I like working hard because working hard keeps me safe. I don't want to find what I seek because then I will no longer have the search; I will have to say good-bye to it. And I will feel silly for having sought for so long.

Is it that what keeps you from seeing? What would happen if you saw through the illusion NOW?

Here is what arises when I ask myself the question: Peace. An end to struggle. Clarity. New challenges, new struggles. Separation from others: they will not understand. New friends who do understand. An end to my relationship with you.

Dear Terry,

Here is what arises when I ask myself the question: Peace. An end to struggle. Clarity. New challenges, new struggles. Separation from others: they will not understand. New friends who do understand. An end to my relationship with you

.

Good to talk about it!

The I is an illusion. So when you see it is an illusion, nothing real will change. Even now, as you are reading these lines, it is already the case. Everything that is there now will be there after the gate.
It is not nothingness that is awaiting you.

Peace will sometimes be there and sometimes not. Also clarity will sometimes be there, sometimes not.

The struggle regarding the search will end. And yes, if you like it, you can pick up new challenges and struggles in life that excite you.
Yes, you will no longer have the search. And maybe you feel silly afterwards. That feeling will pass, it is not a problem.
Certainly most people will not understand. You can still have a relationship with them and love them. And you will find new friends who understand.

Our relationship will not end. We have Facebook Groups where people meet after the gate and I am around. If you want to connect to me you can also always tag me or write a pm.

Let's also look at your older statement.

Resistance, what are you protecting me from?
Answer: I don't really want to see. I just want to be comfortable, and I'm pretty comfortable. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole. What is on the other side? I like everything to be complex. I don't want nothingness. I like working hard because working hard keeps me safe. I don't want to find what I seek because then I will no longer have the search; I will have to say good-bye to it. And I will feel silly for having sought for so long.

This is something you really have to ponder. If you don't want to see - and there seem to be several reasons for it - there is no way you will see. It won't work.

Do you prefer struggle and search or do you want to see?

It is up to you.

Warm regards,
Ghata

Dear Ghata,

I continued to feel agitated and vaguely unhappy for the first part of this day. This evening I had a really nice dinner with my dad and brother and cousin, none of whom do I see very often. As far as looking goes -- in the first part of the day I barely did anything because I was agitated. Later in the day I enjoyed doing some looking, but also felt a bit discouraged thinking perhaps I've hit a wall.

I don't really want to see. I just want to be comfortable, and I'm pretty comfortable. I don't want to go down the rabbit hole. What is on the other side? I like everything to be complex. I don't want nothingness. I like working hard because working hard keeps me safe. I don't want to find what I seek because then I will no longer have the search; I will have to say good-bye to it. And I will feel silly for having sought for so long.

This is something you really have to ponder. If you don't want to see - and there seem to be several reasons for it - there is no way you will see. It won't work.
Do you prefer struggle and search or do you want to see?

Consciously, I think I don't want to work hard or struggle -- but I do find that I am almost constantly working hard and/or struggling through life. Consciously, I desire for things to be simple, but I find that there are personality forces that make things complex. Consciously, I feel that I am craving to see. Or ... am I? Hmmm.

Later, I wrote that if I saw through the illusion NOW, I would be more separate from others. The other day I had an upsetting interaction with a co-worker. Something that seemed self-evident to me, she did not see at all. This is a common experience for me: that the more deeply I understand life, the more separate I am from others. It is sad for me. I do not consciously have regrets about seeking and understanding. It is lovely to understand. And it also brings sadness and frustration. I can feel it right now.

This evening I was talking with my cousin about meditation. She is a complete beginner. I have a lot of experience. I am so happy for my experience, and at the same time it is very hard to try to communicate what I've learned to those with no experience. My cousin looks to me for guidance and I feel lost about how to guide her ... words are tricky; one must consider how they will be received ... time is limited ...

The part of me that is craving to see is the part of me that senses I've been going through life, including the spiritual quest, with earmuffs over my ears, clouds in my eyes, and shackles on my feet--in the form of obsession with self. I long to be free of these hindrances ... I think ... but maybe not!

Something that's been coming up for me in psychotherapy is a strong fantasy that I will someday be able to return to my childhood and get it right this time. Obviously insane, yet it's clear that some part of my belief system includes a belief that this is possible. It seems that I may hold myself back in several areas of my life in order to keep this fantasy alive.

Will it help to tell myself that this seeing really will not change anything?

I figured out about Santa Claus by myself. I can remember where I was, in my grandmother's kitchen. It fell into place in my mind. I felt a quiet satisfaction about it. I asked my mother for confirmation. She confirmed the truth, and told me not to tell my younger brothers. I was happy. I went back to my coloring book.

I think I have heard of children who feel sad when they learn there is no Santa Claus.

Good night, dear Ghata!

Terry

Dear Terry

I long to be free of these hindrances ... I think ... but maybe not!

There is ambivalence. It is alright. It is just a feeling. You can just let it be there. No need to identify with either side.

The part of me that is craving to see is the part of me that senses I've been going through life, including the spiritual quest, with earmuffs over my ears, clouds in my eyes, and shackles on my feet--in the form of obsession with self.

I smiled reading this :-). It is so true! You barely noticed when you were seeing the truth and forgot about it quickly. Here:
http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/v ... 30#p167330

This is a common experience for me: that the more deeply I understand life, the more separate I am from others.

In the beginning it may look like it because not many people will understand your experience. When you are diving deeper though you will come to know that there has never been any single separate being ever. This diving deeper will happen after the gate.

My cousin looks to me for guidance and I feel lost about how to guide her ... words are tricky; one must consider how they will be received ... time is limited ...

Yes. We cannot convey experience in words. Everybody has to walk the path for themselves. Otherwise I'd happily give it to you. It isn't nice to see somebody struggling...

thing that's been coming up for me in psychotherapy is a strong fantasy that I will someday be able to return to my childhood and get it right this time. Obviously insane, yet it's clear that some part of my belief system includes a belief that this is possible. It seems that I may hold myself back in several areas of my life in order to keep this fantasy alive

Whatever happened in the past, whether happy or unhappy events, they are experienced in the present moment as thoughts with a content about the past and sensations in the body that come up. The content itself isn't real in the sense, that the past is not happening right now, neither the happy nor the unhappy one.

It seems there wouldn't be that much to gain in changing the past, even if would be possible.

I figured out about Santa Claus by myself. I can remember where I was, in my grandmother's kitchen. It fell into place in my mind. I felt a quiet satisfaction about it. I asked my mother for confirmation. She confirmed the truth, and told me not to tell my younger brothers. I was happy. I went back to my coloring book.

What a sweet memory :-)

How do you feel? Do you want to go on, fully committed to seeing or stop?

Warm regards,
Ghata