I'm ready to investigate

[Antony]

I'd kinda like to bring in something else, which was interesting to observe. Last night i experienced void. This has occurred in the past and was always very terrifying. Now it's like the body still has it's reactions of fear and unease to the experience but ultimately there's no real fear of nothing. The body contracted quite strongly to this surrender. Mind considered that it was perhaps a little too much for the body and perhaps there's a more gentle dissolving over time. So we walked out of that experience.

[vinceschubert]

Antony, i'm just going to get some others to read this thread and maybe ask you some questions then will invite you to join our aftercare Facebook group where we bed this new way of being down a bit more.
Welcome brother.
Just as a matter of interest, now that you are through the gate, if you (metaphorically) turn around, can you see that there never was a gate ?

[Antony]

Thank you Vince.

There are some confusions arising. On one level, yes, there is no gate. It doesn't make sense to consider. On another level it appears there are still knots of identification that are not undone. Particularly with feeling. Not complete yet. Like there is the potential for an integration. There is still a lot of searching going on.

[vinceschubert]

Of course, Yes, this is just the beginning.
Welcome to Human Adulthood (Jed McKenna)
There is much to learn. NOT!
There is much to unlearn.
There is a lifetime of brain conditioning to contend with.
Habitual ways of thinking, habitual ways of feeling, all will be shaken up for review.
This is the integration stage.
It requires no effort, no doing.
Seeing and recognising (re-cognising) is how it happens.
You will catch yourself (just a linguistic self) repeating an old reaction to something, a light will go on and you will chuckle. No judgement, no criticism, just a welcoming acceptance that it occurred. It may never return or it may come again weakened but determined and each time it is seen it will wither more until...
Searching. This is the kind of stuff aftercare will deal with.
Searching has built into it the failure to find.
Your searching and seeking is finished (unless you are determined to go back to the dream)
Now you will discover (un-cover) how things really work.
You don't have to search for anything. What you want is right in front of you - waiting to be seen.
Don't you feel that there are no more questions ?
Lots of undiscovered stuff but nothing you need chase.
Consider this;
The Sweet Spot.
When quiet and still and focused on a recognition of the fact that what is, IS, the sweet spot is appreciated.
When there is a knowing that the situation as it stands is the current situation, the sweet spot is experienced.
When there is an acceptance of everything in the Now of this life, the sweet spot is known.
When the infinite details that make up the current experiencing are seen as irrelevant to the Fact of Now, the sweet spot is here.
When the bullshit that thought/mind is using to camouflage the actual is accepted as part of the actual, the sweet spot is now.
When welcome acceptance of the totality of Now is present, that is the Sweet Spot.

[Antony]

Thank you Vince.

When you wrote, 'Searching has built into it the failure to find', a light went on. Very funny :)

The fixing mentality is still storming around at times and still tinkering with knots of tension in the body. It's like it doesn't really get the non-doing bit. Perhaps this drops in over time?

[vinceschubert]

Perhaps this drops in over time

Certainly.
Maybe more accurately you might say that the other drops out with exposure (each time you see it happen)

On another level it appears there are still knots of identification that are not undone.

Rant a bit about this...

[Antony]

Ok. So..... what i see is at the level of feeling sensation in the body. Mind has constructed an image on top of the direct experience of feeling sensation. Tagged with this image is a 'me'. I'm observing reactive behaviour that is based on this belief. It's like it is not completely seen for what it is. There is still fear of really looking in to it and seeing it for what it is - whatever that might be.

[vinceschubert]

There is still fear of really looking in to it and seeing it

Looking into WHAT! seeing WHAT!
Does the fear exist at a body level or a thought level ?
(i love your honesty and ability to express what you See Antony)

It's like it is not completely seen for what it is

Is something hiding ?

[Antony]

Looking into WHAT! seeing WHAT!

Haha. Ok. What if i say.... oh. Wait a minute. It's like the exploration of sensation and what i call pockets of sensation (knots) are just thought images. However, it doesn't change the fact that sensation is experienced.

Does the fear exist at a body level or a thought level ?

It's the sensation that i've learnt to label as 'fear'. So what is fear actually? In this case all i see is a bodily reaction to an apparent threat that is based on a 'me' concept. So, whatever the event was that took place the other day, this death, then why is this apparent identification still functioning. It's like there's a potential for another death associated with this particular 'sensation and tag'.

(i love your honesty and ability to express what you See Antony)

It's a joy to explore this with you.

Is something hiding ?

Yes, that sums it up pretty well. Something is round a corner to stay out of sight.

[vinceschubert]

Is that something a 'you' that you want to keep ?
Is it a story to hang on to ?

[vinceschubert]

Is it composed of thoughts ?

[Antony]

I don't want to keep it. The story is of wanting to get rid of it. That one has been running for many years. Belief that i would feel free if i unlocked that knot. The belief that freedom would be a freedom from undesirable sensation.
The story is thoughts. The sensation is sensation. So the thinking is of wanting to change sensation.

[vinceschubert]

So the thinking is of wanting to change sensation.

So what happens next in this story?

[vinceschubert]

No Sorry - i take back that shitty question.
replace with this one;
what happens next ?

[vinceschubert]

going to bed.
Good night Antony