Hi Karolyn, this is your thread, jump on in

[Karolyn]

Yes this identity is held together by emotion. I will do this today. Thank you for helping me flush this out.

[Karolyn]

What I am noticing is that when a (for lack of a better word) ... a habit is activated ... a reaction to external events ... the physical reaction can be very strong ... explosion of solar plexus, dissociation, etc .... and it takes a great deal of focus to separate the "me" ...

I honestly "know" it's not who I am ... it's a conditioned response to a historical event or something ... but a body deal ... I know that what is truly real is what is aware of this .... but that is the quieter voice.

I will continue to stay with what emotional reactions arise ... and find the awareness that is what is true ...

Just wanted you to know that this is a slower process for me than separating the thoughts .... but I know I'm on the right track ... because this is the track I've tried to avoid .. LMAO ....

But you know what ... I'm 64 years old .... enough is enough ....

[AwarenessIsHere]

What I am noticing is that when a (for lack of a better word) ... a habit is activated ... a reaction to external events ... the physical reaction can be very strong ... explosion of solar plexus, dissociation, etc .... and it takes a great deal of focus to separate the "me" ...

Great noticing here karolyn. You are seeing clearly that there is a strong emotional reaction arising, activated habitually under certain conditions. Now really consider this: is there a SELF that these emotions happen to? Can you point to a self that is having these reactions? Or are reactions just happening?

.

[Karolyn]

Thank you for this .... when I'm in one of these reactions I don't have great insight ... I mostly want it to stop because it can feel overwhelming ....

But on looking,.... clearly there is no self ... there are emotions and reactions that but there is no self attached to them ... ...but what I can see is how I have turned these feelings emotions and reactions into a "self" ...

This is great !!! I will continue with this .... it's not easy, because boy when a reaction is going full blast I just want to hide somewhere .... LOL

I really appreciate your insights

[AwarenessIsHere]

But on looking,.... clearly there is no self ... there are emotions and reactions that but there is no self attached to them ... ...but what I can see is how I have turned these feelings emotions and reactions into a "self" ...

YES! this statement of yours is right at the gate, not a foot away. :-)

keep LOOKING!

You say "I" have turned these feelings/emos /reactions into a self.

Even now, can you point to this brilliant "I" who crafted itself out of emotions? OR is it possible that just another thought, the thought of "me" magnetically latched on to the passing through of fearful feelings?

hugs

LA

[Karolyn]

Today was a different day ... when I woke up there was no "scanning" ... the habit has been to turn inward and scan ... there was a turn inward, but it was simply aware, watching, noticing that the eyes were open. And there was a deep relaxation.

Throughout the day I noticed a reaction from time to time ... not huge ... but I would ask ... "is there a "me" having this reaction" .. NOPE ... reaction is not an I ....

Feel like maybe there is a big toe in the gate because I get the glimmers ... there might be reactivity, there might be thoughts with goofy content, stories that are all made up ... but there is no "me" that is having these experiences ....

Not to say that I stay there ... but I do feel that the emotional reactivity that was fused with the "safety" issue is not as it was ... there is no 2 year old ... there is just this ... and it's the "this" that I want to be more involved with.

[AwarenessIsHere]

Not to say that I stay there ... but I do feel that the emotional reactivity that was fused with the "safety" issue is not as it was ... there is no 2 year old ... there is just this ... and it's the "this" that I want to be more involved with.

Hi Karolyn. You are doing great! (or doing great is happening:-)

So if you even dig a little deeper here, when you say "there is just this" (yes!) you also point to a self/I that wants to be more involved with the "just this".

What is there is just this, and no self to be involved? What if the just-this is always here in the happenings--from thinkings, to feelings to actions...just verbing through life, without a subject. Sure we language subject-verb, as a habit.

How about today, just looking for the "I" that can be involved in "Just this." Can you point to this self? IS it real?

Or....?! Is just-this, just happening..? Would just this, just happening stop in anyway without an I? Or is life just life-ing?

Watch your day...see if "just this" requires anything beyond, Just this! Is an "I" even necessary?

hugs

Lori ANn

[Karolyn]

"...verbing through life without a subject" ... I like that ... reminds me of Paul Hedderman's term of "self-ing" ...

You mentioned one time something about how the "me" thought is the most illusive of thoughts. That's for sure.

The "just this" is so subtle ... so quiet ... I'm noticing that when I keep the attention there for longer than a nano-second, there is a sense of peace, warmth, openness ... attention seems to stay in the body around the heart area instead of the head.

Anyway ... not quite there yet .. in a regular sense but see the glimmers .... I'm drawn more and more to meditate where that place is closer.

[Karolyn]

been staying with the "just this" as much as possible today .... seems the "just this" contains everything ... all that comes ... it's just experiencing .... without attachment, judgment ... taking it personally .... it's just all of everything. Even feelings of fear ... it's an experience ... a sensation ...

The dramas ... (that still come at me in the form of my son who now hates me for not helping him ...LOL) ... in the past that would have been devastating ... but it isn't ... I feel the feelings, but they don't stick .... it's not that I don't care, but the idea of "caring" isn't as it was.

Just a report back ... to stay in touch

[AwarenessIsHere]

. I feel the feelings, but they don't stick .... it's not that I don't care, but the idea of "caring" isn't as it was.

Hi Sweetie!

Great reporting. I apologize for the delayed reply--I did not see the notice in my email that you had gotten back to me. My mistake, but somehow perfect.

So, let's look at your statement above. Feelings pass through, but they don't stick--can you say more? Is there a self to which they might stick?

The idea of caring is not as it was...do you mean caring can look like a different happening than, say, rescue? And who is the carer? Or does, caring or not caring just arise?

hugs

Lori Ann

[Karolyn]

Good questions ...

I am aware of feelings but they don't turn into stories like they used to. The stories that used to get generated were centered around fixing something to make the feelings go away ...

This morning was a good example ... just now my son came in a raged at me for the umteenth time about not supporting him emotionally and not making things better. This has been the theme for weeks now. I think I've mentioned that he's been demonstrating more and more signs of paranoia.

Anyway, This used to be a huge hook for me. The intensity of the rage used to hit my nervous system and "light it up" .. mostly in fear. And I used to feel the need to defend myself again the accusations and try to rescue him from the pain. But events have intensified to the point where a dialog isn't even possible.

As for this morning ... I watch and listen to his rants, his attacks, blame, etc ... but it's impersonal. There is a process going on in him that is taking place and he's right, there's no one there to help him or make it go away. Guess he's looking for a mommy that's not there anymore.

Its getting easier to find the silence and rest there rather than stay at the edge of my nerve endings. In that space there is feel that warmth, the openness that allows for everything to be as it is.

[AwarenessIsHere]

Hi there again!

Good news to hear you are finding silence and peace, and that the drama is not hooking you with story. Yes!

So, you mention that the mother he knew is not here anymore, and that things are seen as impersonal. How would you respond to this then: Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Lori Ann
(ps, I will be flying to HI today, so might not get back to you until tomorrow)

[Karolyn]

Happy flight ... we'll be in touch later .... I'll ponder this

[AwarenessIsHere]

how goes it? :-)

[Karolyn]

Good question !!! LOL

I'm not sure how to answer that. HUGE dramas with my son who is showing more signs of paranoid delusion ... his ex brought the police for the custody exchange ... he was talking nutty so they gave him a drug test which he passed ... then one of the officers took me aside and suggested he was showing signs of mental illness ... YA THINK !!! Who doesn't .... I think to be human is to be a bit nuts .... the mind is such a troublemaker ...

So .... who is doing the living of this? ... Life is .... and this "shell" that people call Karolyn who used to think she had control over everything and everyone and could make "bad things go away" and could rescue people and herself from an overwhelming sense of fear of the unknown .... but all there is is the unknown.

Not fully to the place where there is an embrace of that ... but I like what Benhito Massaro ? says .... at least I can say yes, to the "no" ....

I do feel like I'm on Mr. Toads wild ride sometimes though ..... both as a "me" and a "not me" .... it's weird.