Is there anybody to help me to cross the Gate?

[Freddi]

Hi Manana

The only obstacle to your clear seeing is your IDEA of what it should be. It is an expectation. Like the content of a thought, it is not real.
Sometimes expectations are seen and dropped, sometimes they are not. Both are Life Life-ing and both are perfect.

I respect your wish to stop communicating with LU. This thread will remain open in case you feel you want to continue this investigation at some point. It has been a real pleasure and privilege to have this conversation with you.

I will leave you with one question: what is this resistance? What is it that Life is presenting to you, which is being resisted, which is not good enough? Consider what emotions, feelings, sensations come up at this question.

Sending love

Fred

[Mani]

Misunderstanding, Fred. It wasn't my wish to say you good bye. I think I used conditional incorrectly. I meant: If this was it, there would be no point to communicate with LU. BUT I suppose this is not it, so…I should continue this investigation. Is it clear now? I told you my English isn't good enough unfortunately.

I was thinking about your last question. It was difficult to admit this but what life presents to me which is not good enough is…myself. I know there is no me, but there is strong conditioning in this "Manana structure" about failure, about missing something important, about not being good enough. I'm not sure, of course, but I suppose this is the strongest obstacle, resisting point. Do you remember what did I say in the beginning about my fear that it wouldn't be possible for me?...

So after apparent farewell - still here, trying again and again. I even know what kind of comment will come soon: there is no need to try. Life is good enough. Yes, Fred?

Warm wishes
Manana

[Freddi]

Hi Manana

Glad to read you’re still on board :-)

but there is strong conditioning in this "Manana structure"

Conditioning, habitual thinking and the sense of self do not all fall away at once. This working through of learned patterns and conditioning can take some time, Manana, ultimately a life time. In fact, when this process is complete, we have a couple of support groups which can help you with this.
Seeing that there never was/is/will be a self is only the first domino in a long line …

conditioning about failure, about missing something important, about not being good enough

This is a great opportunity to do some deep looking.
Can we invite this feeling of ‘not being good enough’ to the table? Go and sit somewhere, allow it come up, give it your full, undivided attention. Let it be there. Welcome it like a long lost friend at the door. Let it speak to you and see what it wants to tell you. Thank the feeling for its protection and tell it it is no longer needed.
What is behind this feeling? Is it protecting something? Would it be OK if liberation did not change anything at all?
Stay with this for a while, let all the emotions come out. Let me know what comes up. We are looking at what is happening right now, in your most immediate and intimate experience.

Warm wishes

Fred

[Mani]

Hi Fred,

I spent some time with the most unsolicited feeling, as you suggested. It wasn't my pleasure to invite it to the table. I was wondering what could it be that this feeling wanted to protect because I was struggling with this belief of "being not good enough" for almost all my life. And there were even long periods of time when it seemed to be overcome. But now it jumped out with the new strength pointing me that there was no chance for me to pass this important "exam". Yes, this terrible feeling is perceiving the process I am engaged here as examination which probably will be failed. So what is it protecting now if not the sense of ego which happens to be in serious danger?
You are right, working through of this self-humiliation must take some time…

Good night, Fred

Manana

[Freddi]

Good morning Manana

Thank you for this honest, deep look. Let’s dig a little further together.

It wasn't my pleasure to invite it to the table

This is key, because what we resist persists. Resisting the resistance only adds to it, reinforces it.
Can we try to do this again? This time really welcome the feeling ‘not good enough’, Turn the feeling of resistance into one of curiosity, embrace it fully, like a little child needing attention. Even cradle it like a baby. It does not mean any harm, it is only trying to protect something that has been believed in. Can you see the sweetness in that?

Do not look into the past of Manana, just what is happening now, what the feeling is saying now. Reality is here, now. The rest is imagined. Be grateful for its protection, tell it it is no longer needed, now that you see that no self ever needed protection.

So what is it protecting now if not the sense of ego which happens to be in serious danger?

The sense of self/ego is not in serious danger. It is only seen to be an illusion. Once seen to be unreal, it remains, but a bit like a deflated muppet.

You see, Manana, sometimes the head tries to protect the heart, because it knows no better. There can be this belief that something needs protection from the ‘tough’ world outside. But the head functions in a parallel world of thoughts, not real.
No exam here, so failing is not an option. Looking is all that is needed.
Stop, look, can you see a ‘self’ anywhere, or the source of one?
Is Manana any more than a bundle of thoughts? Does a thought need protection? And can a thought protect another thought?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Mani]

Hi Fred,

Thank you.
This time "the operation" was much easier. The feeling seemed more helpless, more pathetic even... Very gentle inner conversation: it's time to say good bye. Trees and grass and sky were witnessing. I think everybody understood that the feeling wouldn't be needed any more.

Manana is a bundle of thoughts, just some of them are very attached to "manana notion". But I think this attachment is slowly weakening from day to day.

Warm wishes
Manana

[Freddi]

Thank you, Manana, for your dedication and earnestness to get to the bottom of this resistance. I get a sense of peace and letting go from your last post. Is this correct? No one to let go, just letting go happening …

I encourage you to do this deep looking every time this resistance, this ‘not good enough’ feeling shows up. It may well come back, because conditioned thinking does return, for a while. It is like a defence mechanism that kicks in, even when no longer required.
Don’t push it away, invite it and spend some time with it. Do the same as you have just done.

Manana is a bundle of thoughts, just some of them are very attached to "manana notion".

Yes, the notion of Manana appears to invite itself, unannounced, along with some (sometimes very) tenacious thoughts and habits. Does that make it real? Sensations in the body, accompanying emotions can also arise along with these. This process is what is commonly called ‘selfing’. It does appear more when confronted with stressful events, and less while in meditation, or in a more mindful setting.
When seen through as not real, it starts loosing its potency and a detachment, a kind of equanimity, can occur. It is just seen as a bad storm coming and going.

Earlier, before this deep-looking session, you said:

The problem is I don't have the permanent access to this Life which is good enough

Can there be a little corner of Life, which we call Manana, that can stand apart and not have access to Life? Could this be true?
Does the notion of Manana, brought about by thoughts such as ‘not good enough’, claim that there is this little corner of Life, standing alone and apart? What is the reality behind this? Where is the separation between Life and ‘I’ (that which does not have access to Life)?
Look deeply into this question and let me know what you see and find.

Warm wishes,

Fred

[Mani]

Hi Fred,

it was really difficult to answer your question "where is the separation between Life and "I". I had to focus much longer than just for one glimpse between various impressions during very busy day in Berlin (visiting my relatives here).
This "I" is not real, it is distorting the true image of reality, so it doesn't belong to Life. If there is engagement in thoughts and emotions connected with this little Corner standing apart, access to real Life must be closed. Illusion therefore becomes the substitute of Life. Isn't it like that, Fred?

Regards from rather gloomy, cloudy Berlin
Manana

[Freddi]

Hi Manana

it was really difficult to answer your question "where is the separation between Life and "I". I had to focus much longer than just for one glimpse between various impressions during very busy day in Berlin

So what answer did you come to? All it takes is one look, Manana. Don’t scan your thoughts for an answer. In this moment, do you see a separation or not? Look.

This "I" is not real, it is distorting the true image of reality, so it doesn't belong to Life.

Please explain this. How does something not real distort anything? Does it have that power? Does a unicorn, Santa or Batman distort anything?

If there is engagement in thoughts and emotions connected with this little Corner standing apart, access to real Life must be closed. Illusion therefore becomes the substitute of Life.

Yes, thoughts are not by themselves distorting anything, they do not have that power. Only when believed does the illusion seem very real.

Take a moment to look around you. Notice all the happening, the moving, shifting and dancing of Life unfolding. Feel with all the senses, smell, see, listen, touch.
Then the mind labels ‘table’, ‘birdsong’, ‘feeling confused’, ‘Manana’. When you take away labels, what is left? Just a sense of aliveness, impossible to describe?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Freddi]

Hi Manana
How is it going?
Fred

[Mani]

So sorry, Fred,

I had problems with wi-fi where I stayed in Berlin and I was in almost permanent motion that's why I couldn't contact with you. I'm back in Warsaw now and not going to move anywhere for a while.

There is no separation between "I" and Life, because there is no I. But what can I do, at the same time the separation is being felt. Paranoid feeling...

Warm wishes
Manana

[Freddi]

Hi Manana
Glad you’re back on wifi!

There is no separation between "I" and Life, because there is no I. But what can I do, at the same time the separation is being felt. Paranoid feeling...

How is the sense of separation actually manifested in your present experience? Can you be more specific? What are the physical sensations? What is actually happening, below the label ‘feeling of separation’?
Try and describe what is happening when you say the words ‘sense of separation’, and what is it that feels separated?

Warm wishes

Fred

[Mani]

Hi Fred,

after pondering a bit on "sense of separation" I'm ready now to describe it.
How is it manifested and when:
1. When I explode with anger sometimes. This anger is "mine" and this is directed against somebody or something else separated from "me" (in habitual family situations, but also when I see, for instance, Putin's face and hear about his vicious manipulations in Ukraine; I must add here that I know that destruction forces are natural part of Life, yet I can't experience it like that in "my" life)

2. When I think, especially worrying about something – about my future, about my sons, about my relationship. Such a thoughts are definitely separating "me" from the rest of the world. They create the strongest sense of "being me" and "having my own private life".

3. Reveries; thoughts again, which are not so stressful but still make present experience impossible. They force me to live in some alternative dreamworld.

And what I also noticed: good emotions, joy and happiness don't create the separation. Unlike those above they allow to feel connection with other people and Life itself. And maybe this is not a big discovery but I've just understood that what people call happiness is just the unity with Life, being part of it (although most of us doesn't experience this consciously).

Maybe I missed something but I think these are the most important aspects of "sense of separation".

Warm regards from very sunny Warsaw

Manana

[Freddi]

Hi Manana

I was asking you about direct experience. You gave me stories, in fact many examples of ‘thought’, ‘thinking’, ‘rêverie’ etc. I can also give you plenty of nice (and not so nice) stories involving a character called Fred, but that does not mean that Fred is real!
I see there many commentaries, ideas, thoughts, stories. Some thoughts labelled as ‘bad’ make you feel separate, and other thoughts labelled as ‘good’ make you feel connected.
You did not give me any direct experience. I asked you how this sense of separate self is manifested in your most present experience.
Let’s look at this another way:
Ask yourself: what does it feel like to be ‘me’? Observe and describe what is going on with your five senses. What is being seen? What is being heard? What is being touched? What is being felt?
For each one ask yourself ‘is that me’? Does that define ‘me’?

Warm wishes,

Fred

[Mani]

It's always like this. You ask me something and I immediately begin to speculate, even not knowing that.

But really, when I turned tv on in the morning and I saw Putin's face I thought: this is where the sense of separation is born. Where the illusion is felt in the strongest way. That's what I thought I was supposed to do – to describe when the illusion of separation comes out. Wasn't it the direct experience of illusion?

I'll answer you tomorrow what does it feel to be "me"...

Warm wishes
Manana