Hi Rali,
How nice, enjoy the retreat!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there isn’t and never was. The only thing that ‘self’ or ‘me’ is, is a thought. That was always the case.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is assuming that “I” is a real entity that can be hurt, who things happen to, who can be happy or sad.
Seeing through the illusion of separate self means seeing that there is no entity, but that instead there are thoughts that say “I”, feelings, and other thoughts creating a story about thoughts and feelings. But there is no entity, just thoughts about thoughts, feelings or other things that are there.
The illusion starts when thoughts about thoughts aren’t recognised/ seen as thoughts. This means there is no thought that labels a thought as “thought”. When this happens often (no recognition of thoughts being thoughts), thoughts keep cascading about other thoughts. There are many thoughts then. For example, a thought about the future or the past can come with feelings of worry and thoughts can comment on that, and keep commenting on it for a long time, trying to solve the problem or pacify the feeling. A thought about the self can be “I am doing badly” and thoughts can comment on it by saying “I should do this instead” or “I shouldn’t be hard on myself”, all building on “I” as a real thing. When this happens for a long time, this is a strong habit built by thoughts instead of doing anything else, like for example “looking” or labeling thoughts and feelings, sounds or colours. That’s how the illusion of the self starts.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is more certainty in what the illusion is. At first, there was frustration because I couldn’t find a self and thoughts kept looking for it and narrating about it. Now, thoughts give a more simple narrative: There are thoughts, feelings, colours, and thoughts can comment on many things, but they are still just thoughts. The self is just another thought.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Thinking back, the koan about looking vs not looking made me realise that looking/ searching is also a thought narrative. Searching for a state of always looking is also searching, when the question of whether the self was an illusion or not had already been answered. I don’t doubt that the self is an illusion, but I kept doubting that that was it. Doubt is also thought. There was never something controlling thought, so the content of thought doesn’t matter for seeing if the self is an illusion.
As Im writing this doesn’t seem 100% clear, but it feels like it comes from looking instead of logic.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decisions are thoughts narrating one choice over another. The actions happen by themselves and thought narrates why an action is being done or will be done. For example, a thought comes up saying “I will write this sentence next”, and the sentence is written. The thought and the writing just happen by themselves.
Another example is deciding to eat chocolate. Thoughts can pop up saying “I want chocolate” “Maybe better to not eat chocolate” and go back and forth between eating and not eating. At some point, the body stands up and gets chocolate. Sometimes the thought narrated a conclusive thought before the body gets up “I will just eat a small piece of chocolate”, but often this thought appears when the body is already on the way to get the chocolate. There is no causal relation between the thought and getting the chocolate.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
In the chocolate example, intention would be a thought saying “I will get chocolate” before the getting of chocolate happens. The thought is labeled as happening “before” the action took place, so it gets labelled as “intention”.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free will is a thought-concept to describe how thoughts and actions appear. The assumption is that a thinker can control what action comes next. It’s not a correct assumption, because thoughts and actions appear by themselves and are not controlled by anything.
For example, in the thought “I will lift my finger…now”, the “now” part appears in thought simultaneously with lifting the finger. There is no one and nothing that controls when the thought “now” appears and when the finger is lifted.
Another example is deciding to go left or right. The decision-thought appears and the body usually goes to the corresponding direction, but the thought doesn’t necessarily appear before the movement. It can appear afterwards, it can say the wrong direction and it can not appear at all and movement can happen without the thought.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choice is the same as decision but using different words. “I choose to pick A” is the same as “I decide to pick A”. To “make a choice” is to have thoughts about different options, and then “pick one option”. This is again a narration in thought, no one chooses or picks, thoughts just appear saying “this choice was made”.
For example, in choosing to drink water or tea, a thought comparing the two appears and then the body drinks tea. Thought can then say “I decided on drinking tea because I feel cold”.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
I don’t remember the last time I had a thought about control, so it is hard to give examples from experience.
When people talk about control it’s an illusion like free will or the self, that there is an “I” that can control their choices or future. Control is just a way for thought to narrate about cause and effect, in which there is “something” that “controls” something else. In this sense, cause and effect and control exist only in thought.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things just happen. Colours, sensations, sounds appear. No one controls when a bird flies by or the rain starts to pour. No one controls when I type a sentence or a thought pops up. I dont know “how it works”, things just happen.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
There is no “I” and no “responsibility”. Things happen by themselves. The body goes to work and cleans the house, thoughts may comment on the importance of doing things, but it’s just thought commenting like commenting about the ice cream flavour.
