The Gate

P.S. Is what I put in the previous post really all I should report when I do ButtChair?

Relax into it. You must be relaxed.

My direct experience in this morning’s ButtChair practice:
I felt touch sensations in the butt-meets-chair area (varying degrees of pressure), interspersed mostly with noticing thoughts but also with noticing hearing, seeing (with closed eyes), and touch sensations in places other than the butt-meets-chair area.

ButtChair again:
Basically the same report as earlier today, with the addition of noticing sensations of temperature in the butt-meets-chair area.

Good. Take your time.

Loving

Recently, during my afternoon meditation time, I’ve mostly been doing Angelo DiLullo-style self-inquiry. Today, for part of that time, inspired by ButtChair, I tried noticing the sensations in the area where I generally seem to imagine my “self” is located: mainly in my head (sometimes a little bit down into my chest area too), especially around and behind my eyes and sometimes a bit in my mouth and throat.

My direct experience: The feel of the area around the eyes, including some tension or pressure across the brow line. The feel of breath moving through the nostrils, including the coolness of the air. The contact of tongue with teeth and the roof of the mouth. The lips touching and feeling a little dry and stuck together. The feel of the jawline back to the ears. The feel of the front of the throat. The feel of the cheeks and area around the nostrils.

I also noticed sounds, sensations in other parts of the body, and plenty of thoughts arriving. But I kept returning to the head, especially the face. (I usually meditate with my eyes open, but I had my eyes closed.)

Okay. try this:



Explore ‘Sense of Self'

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

Loving

Explore ‘Sense of Self'

OK, cool.

In all but the last question for this exercise, I'm assuming "sense of self" means "imagined sense of the fictional self," right? And the last question is about direct experience?

Yes.

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

My sense of self is located mainly in my head, sometimes with a sense that it extends down into my upper chest. I especially locate my “self” behind my eyes (like that’s the perceiving or witnessing part of “me”), maybe sort of extending down a bit but tapering off behind my nose. Sometimes (and this is something I noticed only recently, and it surprised me) I also have a sense of self in my mouth, especially the back of my tongue and back of my throat (maybe like that’s the speaking or acting part of “me”). And I sometimes also have a sense of self shaped roughly like a disk in the center of my upper chest, a little larger than a coaster. All of this feels connected in a wispy sort of way behind my face and a bit back into my skull and down my throat.

I think I occasionally have a sense that all or most of my body is my “self.”

I also have a sense that my thoughts appear in a vague bubble like an oversized astronaut’s helmet that almost bumps up against the back of my skull but extends at least a few inches above my head and maybe at least a foot in front of my face. But, come to think of it, the “me” that observes the thoughts still feels like it’s inside my head.

A couple of times recently, while doing self-inquiry, I have felt like the back half of my skull is like a catcher’s mitt that catches all the sensations coming at it, and everything in front of that is wispy and insubstantial. And once recently, I had a brief sense that my whole head was dissolving.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

Hmm . . . No, I don’t think so.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

n/a

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

Maybe not, or maybe just barely. It mostly seems like empty space or slightly misty: open, spacious, quiet, more or less transparent. But it’s aware. I guess that’s the key characteristic.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Hmm . . . Awareness? From this suggested list, the closest thing is thought.

What is found?

Through direct experience, I have no access to the space right behind my eyes, which is generally the focal point of my sense of self. I can feel my mouth and throat and chest, but if I examine those sensations, well, I just feel physical sensations (which certainly don’t seem like a “self").

That was fun.

That was fun.

Good. It helps to be relaxed & lighthearted.

Can you directly find any cell anywhere?

The made up "self" is only a contraction Sensation of the lie plus a thought or story.

It's okay if you only see this intellectually right now. That sets the stage for it to dawn on you viscerally.

Your thinking and your mind will be no help at all. All of this thinking is preventing you from seeing. Asking who am I maybe keeping you thinking there's some "I" to find when there is not.

Stay relaxed and keep looking.

Loving,

Can you directly find any cell anywhere?

Nope. There's no individual self accessible to direct experience.

It's okay if you only see this intellectually right now. That sets the stage for it to dawn on you viscerally.

I only see it intellectually. For decades now, I've been longing to see it viscerally also. (More than 35 years ago, while in residential training at a Zen monastery, I noticed with some amusement that I located my sense of self an inch or two behind my eyes, and I thought, "What's actually there? Just some brain matter.")

Asking who am I maybe keeping you thinking there's some "I" to find when there is not.

I understand your concern, but I don't think it's an issue. I have approached self-inquiry, even when explicitly asking "Who am I?", with the sense that it's a sort of trick question: that I'll see directly that what I thought was my "self" is a fabrication and that all I'll ever find is a sort of open, spacious, aware nothingness that isn't even specifically "mine." Although I've learned from teachers in Advaita traditions, where the "self" might be imagined differently, my perspective is largely shaped by Buddhism. And most recently, I've mostly been sticking with Angelo DiLullo and Adyashanti (and, for a while, Henry Shukman), who are grounded in Zen and, thus, in a no-self perspective, even though they incorporate some Advaita.

Even so, in the past several days, I've been playing around with different self-inquiry questions like, "What is here?" or "What is this sense of self?" or just a sense of "???" But I do think "Who am I?" works the same way for me. I am absolutely looking for and hoping and expecting to realize no-self.

expecting to realize no-self.

Remember that only fear & expectations can keep you from seeing there is no self.

Expectations have you thinking about a non-existent future. So do fears. You need to simply focus on what is right here, right now.

This pointer is one way to do that: It is often used for anxiety.

This focuses a person in the present, and in a part of the brain that cannot do anxiety. Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________." A minute or two of each and usually anxiety is gone.

I see the couch.
I see the keyboard.
I see the glass. Etc.

I hear the train.
I hear the keys clacking.
I hear my breath. Etc.

I feel the couch under my butt.
I feel my fingers on the keys.
I feel the cold air. Etc.

I taste a metallic taste in my mouth.
I taste the coffee.
I taste the food. Etc.

I smell the humidity in the air.
I smell my husband's shampoo.
I smell the soap. Etc.

As far as I can tell, the only time this doesn't work is when someone won't do it.

Loving,

Remember that only fear & expectations can keep you from seeing there is no self.

Expectations have you thinking about a non-existent future. So do fears. You need to simply focus on what is right here, right now.

Yes. Good reminder. Thank you.

I recently commented on one of Angelo’s videos that I wondered if the main thought/belief/story getting in my way is something like “Awakeness is in the future” (as opposed to the present).

Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________."

I'll give this a try.

Should I be continuing with ButtChair?

Let me know how it FEELS to be so present to your senses.

Should I be continuing with ButtChair?

Yes. Pretty much forever.

The others are just to give you a little bit of variety & more practice at being present.

Loving