The Gate

Dearest of all Beccs ever

It is I, Nils!

silly openings aside, today's really so cool. Such a grace to be mildly non identified with thoughts today.

Still, I want to tell about the habits that come up.

There is "trying to do something to non identify" here.
grasping for a plan or recipe to stay non identified. Trying to figure out, what I can learn from this, how I can learn to be here more often etc.

Oh, so much of that struggle is here.

in the end, what I notice is, sometimes listening to the noise around me happens, and things feel more clear.

What I'm writing here isn't clear at all to me.

I think there is fear of going back to suffering here.

But that's already here, time and place are thoughts, great!
Feeling the tension behind that thought in "lips".

HUI, what a roller-coaster. And relaxation feels scary now.
This is very different from imagining someone who is not identified with thoughts. Though that's trying to assert itself, of course.

By the way. It seems that whole "appreciating things as being immensely valuable" just comes to aid in dropping resistance.


I feel like I am trying to understand everything really hard, because there were always some things obvious to "everyone around me", that seemed completely invisible to me, Impossible for me to see.
Sadness flooding through this body like waves.

It's a bit like the tension of "understanding" can be felt here neutrally.
And on occasion the thought "thought is bad" can be noticed coming up. Somewhat a preverbal thought.

Gosh, it is like really still here. Albeit a bit grieving comes with it.
No good, no bad.
Writing this is anchoring.

Go for another walk. Is anyone doing any of that which is happening in nature?

The grasping for a plan is fine… just notice that it is separate from what happens and is itself unowned.

I feel like I am trying to understand everything really hard, because there were always some things obvious to "everyone around me", that seemed completely invisible to me, Impossible for me to see

Is this true? (that things are obvious to everyone, particularly this particular thing)
Can it be known what is happening over there in the system of that ‘other’? Do you need that in order to know what is in direct experience here? Or is it always only a thought that props up this self structure?

Is anyone doing any of that which is happening in nature?

Hearing and seeing this, that (doing) would be a thought on top of the direct experience.

Is this true? (that things are obvious to everyone, particularly this particular thing)

I don't know. It's not the whole truth

Can it be known what is happening over there in the system of that ‘other’?

Absolutely not

Do you need that in order to know what is in direct experience here?

I wonder, what is needed for that...

DE seems unconditional... Let's check :)
"I'm listening" is a thought.
"Willingness to look" seems like a thought.

Answe: no, not really.

is it always only a thought that props up this self structure?

It's nothing more? o.o
Hm.

Yeah, probably

Is it possible to just marinate in this… the direct experience?
To let go of figuring out/analyzing/interpreting?

yeah

I almost don't want to write it, but right now it felt like it's ripping me apart. Felt like getting torn in every direction at once

Hi Nils,

Break it down for me. What is it in direct experience to be torn apart? Who is owning the center which feels pulled in different directions?

Becca

I want to respond something, but it's all just thoughts that come.

Who is owning the center which feels pulled in different directions?

Dunno, but asking this things for weird in a pleasant way

so, today it's really weird (and not weird at all. I don't know where that weirdness supposedly comes from).
It's a bit like I almost can't practice, yet practice all the time. Sometimes I feel like I forgot everything previously explored.
intellectually I can reason why that's good and stuff, but intellectual affirmations are really half hearted.

Something here feels shaky and uncertain.
I think it will be really good to not have to focus on work tomorrow and the day after.

Something here is afraid.

I thought about writing this before, but its really so silly, embarrassing even, but it comes back.
In a way everything feels so uncertain, that I just wanna feel a hug man. You can even scratch the first part of that sentence, I don't even know why I just want to feel a hug.

And life here is great and really fell of hugs, but it's still like nothing scratches the spot.
It's a bit like I can't really communicate to anyone what it feels like over here anymore.
I don't really know that myself. It's not even really a loneliness.

But I also ask myself, what is there even to console here? Somehow there is a bit of a yearning for just being consoled?

It's so odd to write about that. I kind of want to scream that none of that makes sense or is really here, like I'm on the verge of being angry about it, talking about it. It's like a part of me just doesn't even know about any of the stuff I'm writing about here, and is irritated and wondering, why I would write such a thing to you.

Okay.
That already helped clarify things.

Lots of love and happy weekend later :)
Nils

Before the word “hug” what is the raw sensation underneath that which is interpreted as longing?

Stay with that. Don’t name it.

What is here without the sentences or interpretation?

Before the word “hug” what is the raw sensation underneath that which is interpreted as longing?

The entire body, down to the legs is felt.
There's a bit of a shocked/stunned sensation.

I will go into interpretation a bit, as a crutch.
It feels like having to face something. Or facing something itself.

Staying with that intuitively makes sense. I have little to no words for this.
It feels there just something wrong with my interpretation of facing something, a tension "behind me".
Turns into tension around collarbones.

This feeling of "stunned/shocked" gets more "fresh".

It feels like there's energy (tension?) positioned to keep this "facing something" at a distance

I want to share an interpretation again, if just feels so descriptive, so graspable!
This feels like after an explosion, having the arms over your face still and not yet having looked at what has happened around you, knowing nothing about your surroundings yet.

There's tension resonating with that here, especially in the upper legs.

This might be bordering fear.

Staying with that fear. Feels like it comes rushing in.
Body feels pleasantly empty. Even the legs now, wich at the same time are full of tension.


Oookay, need to get going, helping a friend mooooove.
So much move it move it.


Oh
There just came something wide open and fresh from the heart

Tell me more about what is in the heart once all the rest of it has time to be felt.

Tell me more about what is in the heart once all the rest of it has time to be felt.

The opening in the heart didn't really come back yet.
Though there is a bit of a sense that this feeling of "having to face something" might be about not actually having any escape from reality, really. There was a sense of grief in looking at that I can't buy, consume, etc. out of this.
I think I'm escaping a lot, or trying to at least.

I wonder what I am trying to escape here?

Though sitting and doing half and half of "marinating" and "pointed looking / inquiery" control came up again.
The body felt crazy intense, breathing got really really deep. The body felt like it would mildly explode and everything jittered afterwards.

I wish these things like believing in time and control didn't come back to much. It's a bit of nonsense, but writing it helps being honest with myself here :)


Slowly there is losing interest in "awakening" in a way. I think I can observe that this practice were doing gets more integrated in my life, still I'm very weary of that feeling of losing interest.

is the amount of liberty I take in answering your questions okay?
I think I'm often not really addressing your point. Albeit taking care to use it as the starting point of looking it sometimes ends somewhere else when writing things down in our chat.

Thank you so much Becca,
good night :)