The Gate

There's a reoccurring thought saying "I'm close / I'm almost there / it will happen any day now probably"

Is this somehow different from any other thought?

What is here without thought?

There's a kind of pleasant nothing.

Yes. Bingo, and then....

blah blah blah "I truly don't live in reality" blah blah blah thought

This is reality. You are not outside of it.
You are not missing it. Everything happens including thoughts. Nothing is outside.

And all that said... there is no one to get into or out of reality.

It's just that looking at this nothing really confronts you with pain that's aaaaaaaaaaallmost there.

Where is that “almost pain”? What is it made of? Does it say anything? or is it just sensation?

There's a reoccurring thought saying "I'm close / I'm almost there / it will happen any day now probably"

Is this somehow different from any other thought?

Not really. I suppose I just overlooked, that
- "this is a reoccurring thought"
- "I have thought this for a long time now"
is another thought.

What is [almost pain] made of?

It might be tension and expectation and fear.
I notice fear around "dealing with it the right way".
It might be an expectation and then I find nothing and nothing, and interpret that as a huge problem. I know, this is thought.
It felt right to write that though. Is that blah blah?
I can find expectation, but when looking I can't find the pain.

Where is that “almost pain”?

The expectation of pain in the chest is felt in the lower/outer jaw. Inner eyes/nose. Under the eyes. Lips.
This and that :)

Does it say anything? or is it just sensation?

Right. Not sure where that question went, but the thought
"I'm worth nothing" came.
That felt a bit unexpected and shocking.
Sitting with this.
I'm a way it's just a lot of pleasant nothing again. Not really much thoughts coming right now.

You saw several precise things here but let's look at where you landed.

Where is the “worthless one”?

Not the feeling or thought, the actual entity.

Is there one who is worthy or worthless?
Is there one who does things right or wrong?

Where is the “worthless one”?

Not the feeling or thought, the actual entity.

Immediate rushing of energy through the legs reading this.

Thought image of "looking" comes (i.e. a bit like a flashlight combing through a white room)
looking instead reveals.... the laptop I'm typing on.

more "rivaling" of thought image (image of looking at inner world / image of white room being searched) vs. plain old reality.

There's a feeling of a barrier / division / separation.
Chest and Neck it is. Lightness/nothingness in the heart, expected like missing a step on a stairway.

thoughts of separating barriers vs. plain old view (Monitor and laptop)
Thoughts come...

It's a little like the thoughts are hinting at a spot where "I am blind", which is a thought iamge and the spot turns out to be body sensation.

something very unknown is felt. not quite frightening, but that's the best word I can come up with.

this blind-spot-illusion is a bit of a pattern.

feels like everything is spinning or falling here.
the left hand is felt a lot right now. Hmmm ?

apparently that's as far as it goes with this question for now.

Is there one who is worthy or worthless?

Took some time with this. I didnt realise why, but I felt so awful yesterday...; feelings surrounding this are coming up again! Which is probably what I asked for :)

I can't find such entity.

Is there one who does things right or wrong?

It sure feels like this here.
I'll hit send for now, but will investigate further

Keep falling… :)

something very unknown is felt. not quite frightening, but that's the best word I can come up with

Is this still accessible? Tell me more.

And can work with the parallelquestion: Do right and wrong exist outside of thought?

Is this (Very unknown) still accessible? Tell me more.

I think it might be accessible, yeah.
I'd describe it with the words

Weightlessness.
Loss of "anchor"
Unobserved (?)
Unowned

Do right and wrong exist outside of thought?

Well, whenever it does pop up while observing, it's in thought.


A lot comes up that makes looking not so obvious.
I think it's emotional stuff that presents itself. I just sit with it.
Also feels like more perspectives on the control illusion aren't yet seen through, but things come.

Do you have a song you really enjoy? Is that okay to ask?

Best and good day :)

Nils

Do right and wrong exist outside of thought?

SO, I think the question is ripe.
I don't understand why I'm so afraid of suggesting this, but I think it would make sense to take some days with this.
With other tasks this has really helped and I feel this is the same again.
btw. letting that fear just be there, it also feels like this huge unknown again. That also feels alive, the feeling of body is becomes very "real". Ok, I'm lacking words here anyway :)


Can I take some days to investigate and come back to you? :)

Of course. Take whatever time is taken. :)

Here's my whole spotify. Many many many playlists.
https://open.spotify.com/user/31chvqr67 ... af7d534bc1

Much love,
Becca

Dear Becca

Fuck, I feel like I'm dying.
I have nothing to say, but honestly expressing myself would b a myriad of swearwords. In fact, they come on their own all the time.
Have about a thousand things to say, whatever the fork kind of inquiery is going on here.

Does good and bad exist outside of thought?
Probably ridiculous to call something good or bad.

There's something deeply intimate about "giving" time and attention while knowing how they are deeply valuable.
I don't have it in me to find the right words for that. Oh man.

Your playlists seem to be a labor of love. That's quite a curation.

I actually just wrote because I wanted to show you this meme:

Much love,
Becca

Thank you. That means a lot today

Best
Nils

I think I want to continue taking time on this good bad/right wrong thing.

For now it feels like a trove of teachings and inquieries come on their own and it seems right to take that wave

The playlists are journeys.
They are also waves.
I trust the waves that come certainly. :)

And because I can’t resist…

Are time and attention valuable?
Can they be given or transferred, owned or claimed?

Are time and attention valuable?

Well, I'm a bit more stable to talk about it right now.

So, its a bit like they are.
It's like it helps "embracing" them. Embracing whatever is labeled as such.
And it becomes more clear, that what is labeled as attention and time isn't exactly owned or "mine".

It's a bit like some sort of separation drops.

I have a hard time putting this in words, but here's something I think I noticed:

Here some phenomenona are not truly experienced / embraced, because they are too precious to deal with losing them.

I feel like today happened so much, I want to cry just to digest it (nothing bad, them opposite) and this reply is probably all over the place.

I guess I'd like to come back and ask that question myself tomorrow:)
Today it was answered a lot from memory/thought to be honest.

Love
Nils :)

What is here today, fresh, right now?

Here some phenomenona are not truly experienced / embraced, because they are too precious to deal with losing them.

What can be kept? Does embracing or not embracing prevent appearance or disappearance of what is?
And what exactly would be lost?

What can be kept?

There's sort of nothing (that could be kept).

Throughout this day I notice a bit of an inquiry going on about ownership.

It's odd, words never really mean the thing itself, and then there is no real distinct thing behind words ever really

Does embracing or not embracing prevent appearance or disappearance of what is?

Thought: I'm sure there is something (about embracing).

Just noticed, that this movement of "valuing something to embrace it full" was believed to be an action.

I still don't know, what looking or not looking really is.
Okay, blah blah here, I know.

Can nothing be done? I'm not sure, if there's something special about embracing something. But it's not a doing, so its not a thing in on itself really. There's something that feels like intuition about causality, oneones and separation here but it just makes me feel wonky when trying to phrase it. It might be just in the head.

what exactly would be lost?

It's a bit weird.
For something in direct experience to be loseable it would need to be here already.


Yeah. I don't seem to get the answers or the questions :D
It's odd though. It feels a little like losing my mind. I never quite know anything. Don't even know who I am or how I get where I am, without querying memory.